Monday, October 29, 2007

Me, Myself and I- Toya

I would like to piggyback on what Tia wrote about the guy we know that committed suicide. I haven't written a lot since I moved into this house. In fact I haven't done much period and that's been on purpose. I need to know that I am ok.

What I mean by that is that I seriously needed to pause and say before I call to check up on anyone or even so much as drop a Myspace message of encouragement, where am I at? My life's work is and always has been about the encouragement and success of others. I love that. However, if not directed correctly it can turn into a terrible thing. You can become a person whose self worth is derived from feeling needed (Co-dependency. Pretty certain I've shared enough about that) to becoming bitter with people because you haven't spent enough time encouraging yourself and showing concern with your own well being. I've dealt with both, the latter most recently. I clearly remember a while back lying in my bed feeling "stuck" about my life and got severely depressed. In a matter of minutes, I was emailed a devotional that figuratively catapaulted me out of the bed. In so many words, it reminded me that the gifts God gave us should also be used for us! No one would come to me for encouragement
or advice if I encouraged them the way I have attempted to motivate myself in the past: "Get it together, Toya." "What were you thinking? You better not make a fool of yourself." We can be so cruel to ourselves. I've taken some time to reevaluate and I've had to ask some hard questions and make some hard decisions: if I want to serve and minister to others, am I effectively being ministered to? Answer: No. I was going to the same church for 5 years,not regrettfully but somewhat due to the fact that I was comfortable there. They have no women's ministry and truthfully I haven't really been growing there for a minute. I have wonderful peers but I need to grow up so I would like to be around some women that have been on this journey a bit longer than I. So I don't go there anymore. I haven't stopped going to church altogether but I am searching for a church that will provide what I need. Next, I need to be back in the industry and have a job that utilizes my strengths. Answer: I'm cur
rently looking for a new job. Not because I hate where I work. I LOVE where I work. But it's stagnant and frankly I really am not that good at this job that I am so thankful for. Also I need to learn disciplined independence and how to truly be alone,enjoying singleness. Answer: I need a place of my own. This has cleared my head greatly and has made me focus more sharply. It feels strangely selfish to pray for myself as much as I have been doing. I still often find myself interrupting my prayers with prayers for others. I don't know the struggles that this guy was dealing with but I know he spent his entire life ministering and being strong for others. I've read numerous testimonies from people whose lives he's touched that has led me to believe that he could've led the most desperate person off of a path of suicide. Depression can turn into a deadly snowball. I can attest to that. I was reminded earlier this year that Jesus said to not only love the Lord your God with all of your h
eart, soul and mind, but to love your neighbor AS you love YOURSELF. (Matthew 22:37-40). I'm working on that. Until I get a good balance, I'll continue to intentionally spend more quality time alone learning to love my God and myself so I can healthily love others. Be well.

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