Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Blame It on the Rain

(First off let me apologize for the inaccurate paragraph spacing of my posts. I am blogging from my phone and it doesn't format correctly. My computer is acting "special" so I have to blog on my Treo.)----"Hi my name is Toya and I am not perfect." (Everyone in the world but Jesus says), "Hi Toya". ----I love the fact that I am almost that I am still learning about my flaws. What I mean is there are certain flaws that our obvious to me but then again there are certain flaws that are noticeable to everyone else but me. Those are the ones I am most interested in. I've always said that nothing hurts my feelings more than when people won't tell me the truth about myself. I think that's cruel. So everyone else knows I'm a jerk but me? Uh uh. ----Anyway, here is my deal: I have a tendency to be very defensive. If something is not my fault, you best know it's not my fault. If at anytime you have been able to rightly accuse me of something and then you turn around and do the same thing, you w
ill hear from me immediately. Tia and I have had few disagreements but while roomates,her Monica Gellar clashed with my Rachel Greene on occasion. You don't get to leave notes on the fridge about wiping down the counters everyday and then bake and leave out cookies (that I am free to eat) without cleaning up the kitchem without me saying something all be it in the middle of the night. Damn a free cookie, this is about justice! Well this bit of insanity has crept over into my job.---To make a long story short I have been majorly stressed at work. I have a very detailed position and I am far from being a very detailed person except when it comes to music. (Did anyone know that there are two different versions of Luther Vandross' "Creep"? They later added more BGV'S. I heard a different version on the radio the other day and noticed they were missing from the second verse). There was a blow up between a co-worker and myself last week while my supervisor was gone. When I went to discuss
it with her today, she took a deep breath pulled up a chair and confessed that I can be a bit frustrating to deal with. " No one here is blaiming you everytime something is wrong. Sometimes you don't listen to how something should be corrected because you are so concerned with how it happened in the first place. We all care about you here and want what's best for you. No one is out to get you." Here I am pointing the finger at my co-worker about how she never can say she's wrong(she can't really) but I was really wrong. My insecurities about how I feel about my job performance cause me to be defensive. There have been instances where I have made some careless mistakes at work so when something goes wrong that looks like it could be traced back to me, I go to great lengths to prove my innocence. I talked with my brother about this today because we both know that my being defensive has a great deal to do with my upbringing. ----I have great parents. I really, really do. When you grow
up however there are certain things that need to be reprogrammed because no parent raises their child perfectly. While growing up I got accused of doing things that I didn't do because my parents were sometimes fearful, paranoid and thus overprotective. Without going into much detail, I went through some very unfair punishment for some things that weren't my fault and beyond my control. I think the Lord has been trying to get my attention about this for some time now. I remember being at my desk once and feeling like I needed to turn my music off. When I did, this one painful memory came to mind. Suddenly I felt the Lord say "This has held you back for some time and it is not your fault. You deserve to try your best in anything that you do." It was as clear as day. I wasn't sure what was coming next so I said "Umm, do I need to go into the bathroom to talk about this." I kinda heard a chuckle and then He said "No. You're fine". ---- I've been asking myself lately why am I still at t
his job. It's not anything I am passionate about but I love where I work. I've just been wondering about my purpose for being there because I know it hasn't been sheerly for employment. I think dealing with why I feel the need to be so defensive and the pain behind it may be part of the reason. Maybe God is trying to show me that in situations where I barely feel that my head is above water and I am underqualified for life,let alone any job, I still deserve to do my best without paranoia regardless of past mistakes that I (and my parents) have made. Regardless of past mistakes, He is not out to get me, He just wants what is best for me and is not my enemy. It's the enemy who brings up those insecurities. No one is perfect at life.----So I later apologized and hugged it out with my co-workers and suggested a Blame Jar. When my dad used to curse a lot he had to put a quarter in the Cuss Jar for everytime he cussed. Sometimes he'd have a bad day and just stick a five dollar bill in th
e jar to cover his future cussin. Maybe I should stick a quarter in the jar for everytime I say something is not my fault. I don't know. What I do know is that I would like to learn this lesson so I don't have to repeat it anymore.

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