Tuesday, September 18, 2007

My top 6 baddest bad guys of the 80s - Tia

I don't know why this even came to me. I was on the elliptical at the gym this afternoon and for some reason I got to thinking about all of the bad guys from 80s that I love to hate...Oh wait, I know what it was. There was a commercial on for some tv show that comes on ABC and James Spader plays a lawyer and from the looks of it he's basically doing what he does best, being snide. So I decided that I would do a countdown of my favourite (you like that queen's English spelling don't you?) bad guys from the 80s. You know what I'm talking about. The guys that were the best antagonists in the movies that we know by heart. You couldn't wait to see them get their comeupins...comeupence...come-uppance(I know it's one of those.) So here is a list of the guys that still I love to hate.

6. Roy Stalin (Aaron Dozier) - Better Off Dead
Before he was Lloyd Dobler he was Lane Meyer. And let me tell you I loved me some John Cusack then. I had Better Off Dead on VHS and I used to RUN IT. I loved that movie (and come to think of it, I don't know why I don't own it on DVD.) Lane was the every man. He was sweet and lovable, and he was being tormented mercilessly by the guy his girlfriend dumped him for Roy Stalin. Roy was, in the words of Lane's ex- Beth, cuter, taller, drove a nicer car and he could ski the K-12 and live to tell about it.

Roy tormented Lane at school, at his job and even in a freakin' cartoon. He was blond, and pretty and you wanted to kick his ass. And he is the reason why I had to change my list from my top 5 to my top 6.

For those who have never seen Better Off Dead:

5. Mistah aka Albert (Danny Glover) - The Color Purple
His redeeming act at the end of the movie does not make him any less of a jerk. And he was jerk from the get go, "I ain't never looked at the other one befo'." The fact that he beat Miss Celie and kept her from her sister was enough to make you want to cut his throat while you were shaving him. And don't even get me started on how he raised his son. Got him thinking it's okay to beat on Ole' Sophia.

4. Hardy Jenns (Craig Scheffer) - Some Kind Of Wonderful
Hardy Jenns, "with 2 N's." His name alone made me want to pound his face into the pavement. And he had that chin. That chin that just cried out to be punched. And he had some of the best one-liners. "He's the trash. You're just a whore." This fictional character had the power to irritate me to no end. Every single time I watched it I couldn't stand him. He just thought he was so badass. With his flashy car and his feathered hair and his "please punch me" chin. Dear God, every time I watch SKoW I want to slap the fire out of Hardy. Lea Thompson forever became my girl when she slaps him not once, but twice in about 3 seconds. Hardy Jenns, "with 2 N's"...I scoff in your general direction.

2. Steff (James Spader) - Pretty in Pink
James Spader was able to make every coked out white boy in my school look like a saint. Now granted, I didn't actually get to fully appreciate PiP until I was in high school in the 90s. But when I did, I realized how much I really, really, REALLY hated Steff. If you look up prick in the dictionary, there is a picture of Steff doing a line of coke.

Of course you want to root for Blaine "Blaine...his name is Blaine?!?!?" and Andie to get together. It was a classic 80s movie and that's what you were supposed to do. But the fact the Steff was such an ass and made Andie's life miserable just made you want to root for them even more.

I loathed Steff. I hated his face. I hated his swagger. I hated his white linen outfit. I secretly prayed that he would get hit by a truck the first time I watched the movie. And that's how you know that someone can act their behind off. When you secretly want the character to die, that's a thespian for your behind.

Oh and please don't even get me started on James Spader in Less Than Zero.

2. Johnny -The Karate Kid 1 & 2, Greg Tolan - Just One of the Guys, Chas - Back To School - Billy (I'm a grown-up and I now go by William) Zabka
I realize that Billy Zabka and James Spader are both number 2. I just couldn't figure out who to put where. They both played such colossal jerks that's they're pretty much tied in my book.

You may not have known his name but you darn sure knew his face. Billy Zabka couldn't make a movie in the 80s without playing the biggest, meanest, most arrogant sumuma (that's a King's of Comedy reference for those who don't know.) Every time I turned around he was tormenting some unsuspecting underdog type kid. And he was soooo good at it. It was like he was reading from the How to be a Colossal a-hole handbook.

And I don't know about you but he seemed a little crazy in Karate Kid, no? I'm sure some of it was the doing of his sensei, but a lot of that crazy was of his own making. You couldn't wait for Daniel-san to crane kick him in the face. Especially after the whole, "Sweep the leg" incident. He was dirty for that. (Can I just say that I still cringe at that scene. It really does give me that "OOOOH" sick in my stomach feeling. )

The 80s must have sucked for Billy. Because pretty much everyone must have thought he was a jerk. Every movie he was in he played a total jerk, and played it well. He is the quintessential jerky frat boy. Every movie made in the 90s and beyond that has a bully/jerk/antagonist pays homage to "give him a body bag" Zabka.

1. Sho'nuff (Julius Carry) - The Last Dragon
PLEASE do not sleep on a man that will tell you to, "Kiss My Converse." I mean, the man was the "Shogun of Harlem." It gets no badder than that. And if you didn't believe it he let you know.
Am I the meanest?
Am I the prettiest?
Am I baddest mofo low down around town?

He was a bad man. Wave Nuveau and all. You did not want to play with him, unless you wanted a good old fashion karate beat down. I know it was only a movie but I was really scared of this man when I was a child. You couldn't tell me that he wasn't serious. I was scared for Taimak the first time I watched the movie. (Cut me some slack. I was only 7 years old.) Clown me if you must, but I bet YOU wouldn't have said anything to him. And if he asked you who the MASTER was, you better had darn sure said Sho'nuff or that was yo' behind.

So that's my list. Feel free to add anyone I may have forgotten.

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