What It Feels Like For a Girl...-Toya
I absolutely LOOOOOOOVEEEEE this song by Madonna. One of the few songs post Borderline that I can get with from her.
Text from me on Friday sent to close friends regarding Juanita Bynum's report of abuse:
"Juanita Bynum got beat down by her husband in a hotel room parking lot. That's it. I'm getting me a Stedman and taking up horseback riding lessons. Screw it."
I have been very careful not to write anything about this situation in fear that I would sow seeds (or fertilize already firmly planted seeds) of fear into any other women. Tia and I have always felt very responsible for what we say on this blog. We know that women as a whole take things to heart. Something happens to a woman and we identify on some level. Guys aren't really like that. I asked a married friend of mine what her husband said once she told him the news and he plainly said "Wow. That's messed up." "Well, aren't you scared?" She asked. "No. That's them." Women don't always see it that way.
If you are at all like me, you thought this: This is a woman that is a prophetess; a woman that writes books and holds many successful conferences on seeking the will of God, getting to the heart of God and hearing the voice of God. If she is that close to the Lord, what didn't she see? And what does that mean for me, a woman that struggles to not be too busy to spend at least 15 minutes in my bible a day? If she didn't see that beatdown in the parking lot coming, how would I see one coming for myself?
These days, the positives of being single are FAR outweighing the positives of being married. Marriage is not a good look to me right now, I am not going to lie. I have never been in love and from what I know it is the closest you can get to insanity. That level of vulnerability is unfathomable to me. This being said, I am no robot. This situation touched me in a sore spot because I have always wanted the type of marriage where my husband and I are a team. Best homies, best partners. I always wanted us to have complimentary roles in the same ministry/field. However, when a woman is more successful, that's a hard way to go for some relationships.
That is why this month's Essence is very timely. Jill Scott, who made me hopeful for the love I have always hoped for in her song, He Loves Me (Lyzel in E flat), opens up about her divorce from the man of which she penned that song. To paraphrase the reason of her breakup, she said that things were all good when they were both struggling and on the grind. They had that in common. But once she started to succeed and what she was destined for launched her into stardom, he couldn't be the man to support her to where she was going. WOW! I have heard time and time again from a few women that they have heard sermons lately about how God wants to give you someone for where you are going and not for where you are now. To be honest with you, I don't know where I am going. I know what I want to do but God dreams bigger plans for us than we do for ourselves. What if I hook up with someone that is totally down with me 9-5'in it and doing my side hustle? They can encourage me all day long with that. But what if I get a book deal, a talk show, my own line of Chuck Taylors (I actually want to bring Lotto's back), but you get what I'm sayin'? Are there actually men that are secure in their own calling for their lives that they won't try to hold you back once you start to blow up?
I say, yes. The key word is "secure". How many times have I written on here about insecure men? "You're intimidating, Toya. Guys think they have nothing to offer you." Psst! If they think that a guy has nothing to offer me NOW, like Kanye said, wait til I get my money right! Excuse me, was you sayin' somethin'? My point is what God has in store for you is for you. You don't have to hold back on your gifts or your callings to make anyone feel needed so they will stay around. You want someone that can champion what God is doing through you and is not so shortsighted by his jealousy that he thinks that you are the one doing things by yourself and for yourself. Wait for God to hook you up for the one that compliments you and vice versa and together you can rock the world.
I was at church today and I heard a woman pastor speak. She and her husband are worship leaders at our church. Her husband is one secure dude. I can tell that and I have never really even witnessed them together. He can encourage her in what God is doing through her while she is in the forefront as our choir director. His role is not lesser as a musician. He excels in what he is called to do and together they are a great example of how these types of relationships can work. One thing she said tonight really stood out: instead of looking at Juanita Bynum and Paula White (and for a little extra I will throw in Jill Scott and Yolanda Adams) and saying "What does that mean for me?", we need to be boldly declaring, "No more. This ENDS with me."
Real talk? I want to boldly declare this in my life. I want to take it to the streets with a bunch of women with Chaka Khan singing "I'm Every Woman" on a big yellow float going towards City Hall. However, there is one thing that still remains that has been my number one fear when it comes to marriage and it is a fact: There are no guarantees that you or your mate will NEVER wild out. NONE. I don't care who it is. I don't care if it's my own mother. The reason being is that when you commit to someone, you are committing to someone that has free will just like you do. They have to choose to love you every day. They have to choose to love God every day and they have to choose to love themselves every day. I don't trust the person I could be without the obedience I have to Jesus Christ and therefore I don't trust any man a part from that either. I know for a fact that there are times that my father stuck around not because of his love for my mother but because of his love for God which commanded him to love my mother. If that element was not in place, they would not be celebrating their 37th anniversary tomorrow.
I don't want the news of Jill Scott, Juanita Bynum and Paula White to scare us into believing that there is just no hope in having a successful marriage. I do however hope that this is a wake up call to those that have been delusional about marriage. I also hope that this is a wake up call for all of us that are single to not even think of settling for Mr. Right Now. Take your time. Listen to wise counsel. Do not ignore the signs and red flags. Ask the hard questions. I will be the first one to raise my hand and say that this is hard as hell sometimes. However, the sacrifice is worth it to not be on the news and you best believe a fool puts his hands on me, myself, and Tia no doubt, WILL be on the news.