Thursday, October 5, 2006

Pasttime Paradise- Toya
You can’t trust a person that does not love Stevie Wonder. This is the same kind of person who hates ice cream, the laughter of children and popcorn. Stay away from such an individual.

“Oh my God! I’m going to hell”.

This is an email I wrote to Tia from work after having one of the worst thoughts I have ever had in my entire life. For some reason, as of late I have been thinking about past boyfriends/relationships Actually, I was thinking about friendships in general and who I have been the most comfortable around. It wasn’t long until I got to Jason (not real name, We will call him Jason because he looks like Jason Kidd. Yes, that fine.)

Jason and I were sweethearts back when I was young and stupid enough to think that I wanted a guy who was “a challenge”. Ever heard a woman say a dumb thing like that? Men are challenges enough as is and so are women. To want an EXTRA challenge on top of that is ridiculous. Usually women that say this have low self esteem and think that if they can just get the guy that can’t get gotten then they are worth more as women. It’s usually the challenges that make a woman feel less of a woman.

Jason was so sprung on me and I ate it up selfishly. I didn’t know how to give back then. He wrote me poems, told me I was beautiful and I was his first kiss. And he was absolutely beautiful in every way imaginable! But I wanted the challenge. I wanted to be with they guy who I referred to back in my post “The Relationship that Jacked You Up”. The guy that I am ashamed to admit made some mistakes that my future husband may have to pay for in some way or another. So I left Jason for him and Jason told him why even though I asked him not to. And even though I wore Jason out and basically told him he was the scum of the earth, he cried and wrote me poems entitled “Why Doesn’t She Love Me?” hoping to win me back.

Years went by and I was still being strung along by that same guy . Eventually Jason and I caught up again and rekindled our friendship. He kindly but honestly told me that I had really messed him up and that he didn’t treat women too kindly after me. I felt so horrible. But God straightened him out and he had a girlfriend that was his best friend and she was the one. After I went on and on about the drama with the other guy, Jason said “Stop. There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful and you have so much to offer and well…if I …if I wasn‘t…” “You don’t have to say it” I interrupted. I knew that what was hard for him to say would be even harder for me to hear.

He married this girl shortly after I moved to Nashville and I have not heard from him since. So while I was sitting in my cubicle I was starting to wonder if he was still married. Soon wondering if he was still married turned into hoping that he wasn’t. When I came to, I just knew that I was going to hell on a scholarship. I called Tia shortly after I emailed her.

“I mean, I’m going to hell”.
“You called me to tell me that you are going to hell?”
“Did you get my email?”
“Yes I was working”
“Damn work, you haven’t had to work all day”.
“Ok, I was going to finish and call you to tell you that you are NOT going to hell. I mean, you are dead wrong for what you thought. I will not co-sign on that. However, we all have bad thoughts.”

She then went on to tell me about something that she recently thought about her ex that made me think that not only are we both going to hell but we are going to have a suite in hell. But then she assured me that sometimes things do just pop up in our heads that are just evil but it’s up to us to fight them and not entertain them. Entertaining these thoughts is what is sinful.

My mother told me that I would regret breaking up with Jason but I can actually say right now that I don’t. I regret breaking his heart and yeah, I wish that he would not have gotten married and that I could have him back right now. But I can’t regret the lesson that I learned because if I am ever fortunate enough to get a man half as wonderful as he is I know that I will know how to treat him with love and respect and will not take his kindness for weakness.

Like I said I have thought a lot about my past relationships , some of which have been my greatest friendships and I miss them terribly. And even though I feel lonely, by no means do I want to date anyone right now. I know that sounds odd but I am the type of woman that doesn’t want to depend on people for her happiness. I just want to get through this on my own. I’m used to being alone but not lonely so loneliness is a new challenge for me.

Like clockwork, while I was revisiting my past, I received a visit from a guy from my past and we started talking again. Bad boy, bad news. Tia often says “First time shame on you, second time shame on me.” I usually say “First time shame on you, second time, I’m a dumb ass”. I mean, he is straight out of the textbook under “Men Toya Attracts But Needs to Stay Away From”. I should’ve smelled him coming a mile away and even though I entertained bad thoughts for a while, do I really want things to get worse and have to come back and post another “See What Had Happened Was”? story. Uh, no. I shut the book on that one real quick.

I don’t know WHAT’s going to happen. I am in another limbo stage in my life and there is so much uncertainty. However, one thing I am glad about is that I have truly learned a lot of lessons from a lot of mistakes making me more prepared to walk into the next stage than I have ever been. Now if I could just stop looking back.

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