Tuesday, July 4, 2006

State of Independence- Toya
"State of Independence" is a song by my hero, Donna Summer. Donna Summer actually lives here and I see her often but have never had the guts to say anything to her. She has sat next to me, behind me, in front of me and I just can never work up the nerve. I kind of fear that I will have a Rex Manning moment. You know, like in Empire Records when he is signing autographs and that woman belts out "Say No More, Mon Amor"? I see her and I all I hear is Macarthur Park. I don't want to be that girl.

I am glad to be writing this morning as I have not been able to do anything for the past few days. Funny enough (funny now anyways) this exact time last year I spent three whole days in the bed sobbing over Guy A(it's in the archives). This year, I spent three whole days not sobbing but in a ball in my bed listening to sad songs, trying to numb myself from the world. This time not over Guy A but over the fact that I am completely unhappy with the limbo state of my life.

Now I know that seems like some high drama but it was never my intention to stay in my room for three days. It was my original intention to spend Saturday in my room working some things out in my head. Instead, I balled up and listened to Sade all night long. I couldn't write I couldn't pray. I really did not know exactly what was wrong with me. Melanie the Wise Pixie assured me that "sometimes you just need to wallow". And I really felt like it. So I did. Then Sunday came and I went to church and for the first time I got into Praise and Worship and could not manage to give praise or worship. "What in the world is wrong with me?" I thought. "This is my favorite time of service. Why can't I even open my mouth?" It then occurred to me that it is very difficult to pour praise and gratitude upon Someone that you are very mad at. I was mad at God.

I am happy that I am in a place in my walk with God that I have a hairline understanding of His grace and love for me (we could never even begin to grasp it all) that this reality did not send me hiding under the pew to keep from being smote into a puff of smoke. I realized that I had JUST realized that I had been mad at God since Friday. God of course already knew. I realized that while God's plans are "to prosper me and not to harm me" that does not always mean that His plans are not going to cause emotional pain and discomfort. I mean, why do I have to grow some more? I was doing just fine. Me and God were in such a great place and now I don't even want to talk to Him. And when I do it is always WHY THIS and HOW COME THAT? "Why do you want me to be alone right now?" "Why have I met three guys within the past year and half that all seemed like the perfect guy and none of them are the one?" "Why are you shaking things up in my life?" "Why can't I just be happy with a 9-5 job?" I hate the WHY ME game. Seldom do I play it because I know that there are billions of people that have it a lot worse. But Sunday, I didn't give a rip. It was my pity party and I could whine if I wanted to.

So Monday rolled around around and I managed to roll out of bed at 1 pm because I was starving. I made some breakfast and started to watch the BET Awards. And then it clicked:the world is going to hell in a handbasket and you can't get out of bed??? It's amazing to me the things and the people we will celebrate. For instance, 50 Cent. This man that glorifies violence and has some of the most hateful lyrics towards women has a doll and can be nominated for Best Rapper. And speaking of glorifying violence, why is it that it is senseless violence when young men die before their time like Proof, Busta's bodyguard, T.I.'s personal assistant, Biggie and Jam Master Jay die yet music glorifying violence is still being made and sold off as merely entertainment by the same people that mourn them? So it's cool to talk about running up on someone and blasting them in the head but it's a sin and a shame when that happened to Jam Master Jay? Yet, it's just music? It's just entertainment? And everyone wants to wear these RIP shirts in honor of the person that has been murdered but they dishonor them by continuing to make light of the senseless violence that has caused them to no longer exist.

My point is, no matter how unlucky I seem to be in love, no matter how my life seems to be in a constant state of limbo and uncertainty, I am still here. And yes, life is hard and it will continue to be this rollercoaster. However, I have a purpose on this earth and that is to help others and be a light in this world. I can't do it under the covers crying Whoa Is Me. So if I have to be a little uncomfortable in order for God to use me then so be it. It's lonely and it sucks but it's not for an eternity.

Later on I went to Eric and Betsy's house to get some moving boxes. They are the friends whose wedding I could not go to last year because I could not stop crying long enough to put on my makeup. I was about to pull out of their driveway when I stopped and said "Hey, I forgot to tell you. Happy Anniversary!" He leaned over into the window and said "Enjoy your day of independence" and winked at me. I know exactly what he was getting at.

So after another night alone, a Sex and the City Marathon (I know, I know, I said I would give it up but you know I love that Carrie), not clicking over for Tag when he called and hating that Tia was in Atlanta, I am up this morning to celebrate my Independence Day. I am going to start packing, head downtown for some coffee and window shopping and try not to kick and scream my way into the next stage of my life.

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