Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Got Til It's Gone- Toya
Janet's "The Velvet Rope" is one of the 5 records in my lifetime that literally changed my life. I used to be such a Janet fan and thought she was sooo perfect. Then I got this record and realized that she struggled with the same things I did. Janet Jackson, the most beautiful woman PERIOD, was insecure. Why does that make us feel better about ourselves?

Last night I sat in my room and commenced to packing. Numbly packing. I didn't think about the whole moving,life changing situation. I just started to pack. It then occurred to me that I have been listening to way too many love songs. Now, I am all in favor of a tight slow jam but as of late my mind has started to wander and while it was wandering this thought came to mind:

"How did I get picked to be single this long?"

Now this is not a Whoa Is Me question just an honest question. Like some people marry younger and some people marry older than most but what is it about me that has made God say that it needs to just be me and Him for however long and exactly HOW LONG is however long?? And how did I get so umm, "lucky"?

So I went to www.crosswalk.com/community/singles and found this article about finding joy in "extended singleness". "Who on earth signed me up for this?" I thought. It's not that I am trying to be married anytime soon but it occurred to me that Lord willin' I will indeed be 32 this year. I have no clue as to where the time went. I looked in the mirror and saw this 24 year old staring back at me with afro puffs and baggy sweats. Suddenly I felt like I was in a time warp. Like everything was changing at a rapid pace and moving painfully slow all at the same time.

I went in my room and took out the 90's Slow Jams cassette tape I found way back in the closet from packing and popped in Fred Hammond's Purpose By Design with "Let Me Praise You Now". It occurred to me that I have had quite a gripe with God's sovereignty and I needed to get my mind right because that is one thing that is never going to change.

Regardless of what anyone thinks of the bible we can agree on one of two things: it is either true or it is not (I'm deep, aren't I). If it is true, then I have to believe that God will give me what it is that I need to endure any season. If what I need is peace, I will have that. If what I need is my life long best friend (I hate saying husband. It always makes women sound so needy to me. That is MY hangup though. I am not judging anyone) then He will give me that too. I just need to trust that with God as my provider, He will give me the endurance and strength to get through any season no matter how long it is.

While sitting on the floor I realized that I was so busy complaining and whining that even though I heard the 4th of July fireworks in the background, I never lifted the blinds up to see them. As I shimmied over to the window, I pulled the blinds and saw some pretty green and pink fireworks. Then just like that, they were gone. While I was in my state of "why this" and "why that", all of the fireworks just seemed like a bunch of noise and clatter. But when I opened up my own window to see what I had been missing all along I noticed that it was quite beautiful from where I was sitting. Just when I started to pay attention and enjoy them, they were gone. I will let that preach by itself.

Today I found out that one of my best friends is in the middle of a breakup that is so painful that I am still literally nauseous over it. Another one of my friends seems to be having the same argument with their boyfriend over and over and over again. It's kind of like you can either have these set of problems or those set of problems. Maybe I am just selfish but I would rather take these set of problems right now because they just involve me and not the well being of someone else. I only have to think of myself and not the future of any significant other. Goodness, I couldn't even have a goldfish right now! I am truly, truly thankful.

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