On My Own Part 1-Toya
"Now we're up to talkin' divorce and we weren't even married". That is a hurtin' lyric right there.
There have been a lot of changes and lessons learned within the past few months. Tia has been out of town literally the whole month of June so I don't know when she will be able to post her side. It is 12:48 am and this is bound to be one of the longest weeks of my life. Nevertheless,if I don't write this out it will continue to float around in my head, more "episodes" will happen and nothing I write afterwards will make sense if I don't at least set this up.
Now that I am on the other side of my nervous breakdown, the one that caused me to be completely incapable of getting out of the bed on time for 2 weeks to get to my NEW JOB (do I really need to get fired again? No. Who ever NEEDS to get fired anyway?), I can now discuss or at least begin to discuss the goings ons of Tia and Toya. It's official: I am moving out in August and Tia is moving to California in the fall, no later than October. As for me, I will continue to write because well, I just have to. I love it. Tia on the other hand, I will let her speak for herself.
My breakdown did not solely come from Tia and I not living together anymore. It was a continuous typhoon of change within my friendships that went through my life within a matter of days. 2 friends of mine have moved, two are about to, people are getting married, friends are hooking up(which totally changes friendships), I lost a friend (not by death but by circumstance), and to top it off the only thing almost as hard as moving away from Tia, Tag and I have decided that it is a good idea to not hang out so much anymore. Now I swore that I was not going to bring Tag up again but this is pertinent to my story so I am bringing him up. Not that anything has not happened since last time, I just simply did not feel like writing about him anymore. But this is key.
Tag is one of my closest friends. I don't know how this happened in such a short period of time. Neither one of us do. I am a big fan of guarding my heart nowadays and it occurred to me that our friendship is way too similar to how I would want my relationship to be with someone that I am in love with. Way too much. I didn't want to bring it up but I think that eventually he was starting to see it too.
"I feel like we are on a date, Toya".
"Because we just went to dinner, we are in the movies and we are going out to coffee afterwards."
*silence* Walking through theater door
"Hey just cause I open the door for you doesn't make this a date."
"Exactly, just like you opening the door for me doesn't make you a gentleman."
....Later on in theater...
"I feel like we're on a date"
I bring up this whole dialogue to prove a point: we have never dated each other. However, for two people that don't date we are pretty affectionate and way too attached. Thus, this is why EVERYONE (and I mean EVERYONE) thought that we were together. Someone even asked his girlfriend "How do you handle them being so close?". When Tag told me this, my heart went on Homeland Security alert RED and I knew that it was time to drift apart. I was quiet about it first and was pretty non-committal everytime he wanted to do something. So by the 15th time he asked to hang out, it was time to have a talk.
Tag: "Why can't things be like they used to be? We were best friends. Tell me we weren't best friends, Toya."
Toya: "It just can't be like that anymore. "
Tag:"Why? Because I have a girl?"
Toya:*Nodding, biting lip about to cry or run or both*
Tag: "True. I know. That hurts my heart, Toya."
Toya: "Yeah well, it hurts mine too."
Safe side hug, kiss on the forehead, exit stage right
See what sucks is that Tia is moving away and I can't see her. Tag is here and I WON'T see him If and when I do, it is not going to be some long all night kickin' it to the wee hours of the mornin' like it used to be. Someone told me that I was strong in doing this. I don't know that I am strong. I do know that I am scared.
I am scared because I know that God is moving me into a time of being alone. While you don't have to be lonely when you are alone, I suddenly started to feel smothered by loneliness. Tia, Tag, and Renee are the 3 people in my life who I can sit with in complete silence and it is perfectly alright. They know me, ugliness and all and they love me ugliness and all. And while I can go downtown by myself on any given night, walk into a room and know at least 5 people, I would much rather bum it on the couch with Tia and watch endless reruns of Friends in complete silence. Well,not in complete silence. We laugh at stuff that isn't even supposed to be funny. All the more why I am really having a hard time with all of this.
Before I knew I was moving, I felt this hankering to move downtown. I work with housing developers and so now when I go out for business and look at floor plans and condo models,for some reason I get this feeling of really wanting to move toward buying something of my own someday. Now this may not seem like a big deal but this is coming from someone who never thought that they would have anything of their own and would always have to be dependent on someone else. I wouldn't watch home shows or even read home improvement magazines because I honestly thought that I would never have anything. But God has been pushing me to dream. Everything that I dream about and the goals that I am making for myself involve no one else but me. I think that's what God has been wanting to do in me for a while.
So as soon as I made the decision to save, and budget and fix things and be all domestic, the opportunity finally came for me to move downtown. I won't be living by myself but with two people that are barely ever home. I honestly, did not want to move in with friends because I know deep inside that I need this alone time.
God is trying to get my attention and is preparing me for some reason. He has taken me out of my comfort zone on so many levels and now two of the people that I depend on the most, I can no longer allow myself to be so dependent on. It's exciting because I know that I am going to become a better person, one that I can be more proud of. It's heartbreaking because I never thought that I could love and need two people outside of my family this much and it really truly hurts. I can't believe how hard I am taking it but I know it's for the best.