Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Time (Clock of the Heart)-Toya
This is a song by Culture Club. Remember when you were young enough to not know what gay was? My excuse for Boy George when I was younger was that he was British. I knew nothing of the Brits except that they were different. That is why George Michael wore earrings in both ears. Oh the innocence...

Let me share with you why I (and maybe you) are STILL single: because it's just simply not the time.I came to this realization, with much relief I might add, as soon as I was willing to lay the matter down. I was in my car one day talking to God and finally said that with everything going on and with all I had been through and was still getting over, I sincerely and not out of fear, did not want to date. Almost immediately, I felt as if God was saying "Good, cause I haven't wanted you to." And it makes sense. I am a firm believer that if you are where you are supposed to be, doing what you are supposed to be doing (even if that doing means just waiting for opportunities to open up career wise or whatever) and there is no crazy hindering gross sin in your life, then it is just not the time. It sounds easier than it is to accept but honestly for me, it is the truth.

If you are at all like me, you would be richer than Oprah if you had a dollar for everytime someone asked you why you were still single. Not only that, if you added up the two cents everyone wants to give you as to why you are still single, you'd be Diddy rich. I have heard some of the most asinine things from women that were trying to help:

"Well Toya, you are a cute girl but I just don't think you are applying yourself."
"It's probably because you can't cook". (I can now, by the way).
"You're standards are too high" (this was often said by little boys who weren't man enough to meet those standards or by women who had settled for these same types of little boys and believe that once you get one, you can train them up. You know, like a puppy? No thanks.)

And my favorite,
"You aren't married because you are selfish".

This last "winner" was told to me by someone who truly believed that they were led by God to say this. She was rather rude about it to be honest. She asked if I even wanted children and why didn't she ever see me with any guys. I explained to her that I have lots of friends, although mostly girls and being single wasn't that bad at all. "For instance," I defended," the other night me and my girlfriends went to my favorite coffee shop and stayed out until 2. I didn't have to ask anybody. I didn't have to explain to anyone when I was coming home or why I stayed out so late." She basically tried to guilt trip me for enjoying my single life so much. Unbelievable.

What bothers me about what she said is that she assumed that I have guys asking me out left and right and I am just turning them down because I am just SO enthralled with the single life. The truth is I rarely get asked out. I have heard guys say to numerous women including myself "Well you just don't seem like you need anyone. Like you have it all together. Guys are intimidated by strong women." That's crap. BOYS are intimidated by strong women. A wise woman once told me something that I will never forget (Tim, this came from Brenda who I swear is just like the Oracle in The Matrix)

"Boys NEED you, men DESIRE you".

A boy won't ask you out if they don't think that you will need them because of their need to be needed, but a man will desire you if he knows that you can hold it down. Now grant it, men like to feel needed because that is their nature but boys feel that way out of insecurity. If boys aren't asking you out because you intimidate them, they are doing you a favor.

And then of course there are reasons that we tell ourselves. A main one for women is attractiveness. We feel if we could just lose that last 15 (or 25, 30, 80) pounds, had straighter hair, clearer skin and didn't need to get waxed or tweezed as much, we would at least be dating. No? Just I used to think like this? Well, if you have ever thought like this also, as always, I have a story.

One day a friend of mine asked me to go with her to look at wedding gowns. Now I love this girl and we are cool but we aren't extremely close. She said she wanted me to go because we had similar taste. I was honored that she chose me to come along with her. So we went and while she was trying on dresses, I was trying on tiaras. I heard someone call out to me and with this $250 tiara on my head I slowly turned to see one of the heaviest women I have ever seen in my life wearing a snow white dress. She beckoned me over and the closer I got the more startled I became.

I am a nazi when it comes to my own facial hair. I am the tweeze queen. The first question I want to ask God when I get to heaven is "mustaches on women: WHY?" This has always been a point of insecurity of mine because what if I become sick and can't tweeze or wax and after a week my husband finds out what a sasquatch I am? So you can only imagine my surprise when I finally got close enough to this woman to see that not only did she have a full mustache but a goatee, hair on her cheeks and the side of her mouth and razor bumps under her chin. She was asking me about my hair and all I could do was stare at her and think "Someone has promised her forever." This girl had a beautiful spirit, sweet as pie and told me that she knew that she had made the right decision to save herself for marriage after watching Tyra's show on abstinence. All I could do was smile and nod, thinking to myself " Thank you God for letting me meet her and helping me to see how wrong and insecure I have been all along."

Another reason I have heard for why women feel that they are single (and I have heard this because it used to come out of my own mouth) is because guys simply won't ask them out. They feel as if the men around them are just too lazy and too wrapped up in being bachelors. I have heard this a lot amongst Christian women about men in their church and not just mine. This is going to sound mean because it is a blunt thing to say but it it is a real thing to say: Guys don't ask you out because they don't want to. If a guy really wants to ask a girl out, he will. This is usually proven when a guy ups and marries a girl outside of their church and/or circle of friends. It's not that they don't want to date, it is just that they don't want to date YOU and that is OKAY. Come on, YOU don't want to date everybody either! It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you at all. They very likely may find you attractive but trust me, they are doing you a favor by not asking you out. Every woman wants a guy that no matter how shy he is or how much he is loving the single life thinks that she is too amazing to pass up.

I have heard of instances where women have left their church because no one was asking them out and I don't feel so great about that. Truth be told, no woman is promised a husband. We aren't even promised tomorrow. What we are promised is an abundant life and if we aren't living it because we are continuously worried about the future and living our lives in the when instead of the now, we aren't living at all. If that is the only reason you would leave your church, your spiritual family, there is a priority issue. My youth pastor back home was a missionary who after begging God to send him anywhere in the world but Russia, met his wife in Russia. Another friend of mine getting married next month, is like me: in her 30's, busy career, thought she had no prospects in sight. While doing what God had called her to do and being about her business, she met the guy who she is now engaged to while she was on tour. Tia and I met him and wish they would speed up this legislation on cloning because we want one of him for each of us and all of our friends, he is so incredible. I know of so many stories where women although frustrated, did not go out of their way to find love but instead went on with life and love found them.

While I was talking to God about this in my car one night, surely looking crazy to those driving past me, I asked Him if I was where I was supposed to be. Had I been obedient to what He wants me to do and was I sure that it was God leading me there. There are so many instances where I could look at and say yes, I am on the right track. If God could bring Tia into my life and other friends that I have at met at the most perfect opportune times, why should someone as important as my husband be any different? I learned that while yes, I did have a lot of lessons to learn (that Tag one was a BIG one) and still do, for the most part, I am alright. I don't want anything out of God's timing no matter how long it takes.

Finally and this is hard to swallow, it just may be my (our your) time is later than most. I thought about this last week as I thought about blogging about this. I started to be concerned that if I started encouraging more women about patiently waiting that I was going to be one of those women that stay single for what seems like forever while constantly talking about how great it is. LORD, I do not want that to be my ministry, I am sorry. I thought, what if I was like Michelle McKinney Hammond who is fabulous and has written so many books on being single and satisfied but is over 40 (or close to being)? From what I hear, she is perfectly happy but what if one day I suddenly get fed up? Then I thought about Lakita Garth and in perfect timing as always, I found out that Lakita recently got married. If you don't know, former Miss Black California, and honorary BGLU Lakita Garth, got married last year at 36 years of age and a virgin. She has been on numerous talk shows including Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect. Maher said that Lakita would be the perfect woman for him if it weren't for her moral standards. She has spoken to audiences all around the country on abstinence and purity, is one of the most dynamic speakers I have ever heard and one of the most stunningly beautiful women I have ever met. She has said that when most guys found out that she was a speaker on abstinence, that completely stopped them from asking her out. Well at 36 Lakita got married to a Jeff Wright. Yes, she finally met MR. WRIGHT. Check them out at

So when I found out that Lakita married Mr. Wright (that still makes me chuckle), I was at ease. Because for me it really is about timing. I have to remember where as I see as far as only I can see, God sees in eternity. When you know you are doing what you are supposed to and doing all you can, you can be rest assured that God is moving on your behalf in a way that you can't and only He can. It is not about me being perfect, it is about God's timing being perfect.

5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure.

Psalms 16:5-9

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