Monday, May 8, 2006

Confessions-Toya
I hate this song by Usher. And I love Usher, but I hate most songs about infidelity. Except for Richard Marx's "Hold Onto the Nights", of course. Aww, the 80's.

1. My fat jeans are starting to fit again. You know, fat jeans? The ones that are too big but when you know you are about to throw down at the dinner table for Thanksgiving, you put them on? Yeah they fit...WITHOUT a belt. Hello, Billy Blanks. It's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you...
2. I just recently had to stop secretly stalking a boy on MySpace. I know, I know. I just randomly looked up this guy who I haven't seen in ages and there he was. We aren't "friends" so he has no clue whatsoever. Oh the shame.
3. Tia and I went to a sneak preview of Poseidon and I can't even begin to tell you how many times the guy in front of us turned around cause he was so annoyed at all of the Mystery Science Theater commentary that goes on between us. Yes, we are THOSE black people. We have commentary for everything. People come to our house and wonder why our tv volume is up at an ear bleeding volume and it is because we have to listen AND talk at the same time. By the way, this ruined my dream of EVER getting on the Tom Joyner Cruise. Unless the boat stays docked, I will miss my life long dream of seeing the Gap Band play until about 3 in the morning.
4. Yesterday, I spoke with someone for about 20 minutes and have NO clue what her name is. The thing is, it's not the first time and I am too afraid to ask.
5. I have been challenged to write down my goals for where I would like to be in 5, 10, and 15 years with or without a husband. I have had this challenge for about 2 months and can only come up with "I want to be debt free" and "I want to have a maid". In five years, I will be 37. That is almost 40. I can't even get passed that reality enough to write down any more goals.
6. I have been telling people I am 30. Not because I want to lie but because I honestly forget that I am over 30.
7. I am miserably home sick.
8. Using lame excuses, I have purposely bowed out of events as of late in order to not run into any ex-crushes. Why? Because I love me. I need a break. Honestly, and I highly recommend this for any one, sometimes you think you are completely over someone and then you see him somewhere and you still feel like you have been punched in the stomach. Just say no. Women can be such people pleasers sometimes, putting aside their own feelings to make someone else feel good. I need some time off and I am taking it.
9. Friday night, Tia and I went out for our traditional Cinco De Mayo dinner and UNBEKNOWNST TO ME, the infamous lightweight drinker, I had a little bit too much Sangria. It really wasn't a lot at all but in the middle of talking to a friend of ours, I realized that I could no longer feel the left side of my face. It went numb. I immediately put my drink down and vowed to keep my drinking to a one drink, one 8 oz drink, minimum for the rest of my natural life.

By the same token, it has occurred to me that perhaps I should not drink in public at all. People perceive Christians as non-drinkers. I remember being at work once and someone just spoke up for me and said "Oh, Toya doesn't drink". I corrected them and said that I did have the occasional drink. The only reason this person said this is because they know I am a Christian and not because I said otherwise. I don't think there is anything wrong with drinking, only with drunkenness. However, if someone is going to look at me as a hypocrite for drinking in public and it ruins their ability to come to know the saving grace of Christ, it is not worth it for me to drink in public.

Lately, I have been thinking about what that actually means when I say that I am a Christian. So many times we look at artists like Destiny's Child who say they are Christians and some say they are not. Oh I think they are Christian. But I think a lot of people who consider themselves to be Christians see it as something that you would check on a survey if someone asked if you were atheist or agnostic. Most people claim to believe in God and a lot claim to believe in Christ so they would not choose either. I don't know if this makes any sense but being Christian and being a Christian is looking like two different things to me.

I have a new job (that I LOVE) where most of my co-workers are gay and hands down some of the best co-workers I have ever had in my life; to top that, they have been more accepting, loving and more pleasant than a lot of the straight up evangelical Christians I have worked with. Most of them know that I am a Christian. There have been a few times where co-workers have come up to me and asked if I was uncomfortable at all with how they talk with one another and honestly, I haven't been at all but appreciate their concern. However, one lady came up to me and apologized for some of the things that have been said when I was around. She said that she knew that I had a strong faith (I have never even talked to her about my faith at all) and that even though I was open minded, she could see that I was strong enough to stand my ground and not conform. That I would "Lead by example". That was amazing to me. I went onto tell her that me being a Christian meant that I followed Christ and reminded her that in the bible, Christ didn't go around blasting people. He met them where they were and spoke directly to the issues of the heart. He addressed the root. If he put anyone on blast, it was the religious people. I don't want to be one of those religious people, merely Christian vs being a Christian. I want to reflect Christ's character and meet people where they are.

There are people that I am close with that are gay and I have no problem with them. I am not saying that I agree with homosexuality. I am saying that I don't have a problem with them because in their case, sexual orientation is not the issue, identity is. The particular people that I know that are gay grew up with some sort molestation, or tremendously tough rejection issues that were brought on by those very people that shape your identity, mainly parents. To me, their hurt is the issue that I am mostly concerned with. That is what breaks my heart.

I don't know why I even started writing about this subject but I will end with this: The bible says that he equips us to bind up the brokenhearted and that is what Christ is about. That is partly why I am striving to be so much like him. I am a testimony to how He can heal a broken heart. As women we go through so much pain in relationships that we think will never ever end. It's an every day fight sometimes. But I can testify that God can and will heal and as Christians, we need to commit to loving people because we are his hands and feet to do it.

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