Sunday, April 9, 2006

So Much to Say, So Much to Say- Toya

I have no idea how we are going to keep up with this blog with everything going on. I totally intended on writing something for the third anniversary of this blog which was on the 3rd but I couldn't. I LOVE writing and I love getting feedback from everyone who reads this so I will make more of an effort to write often. It's just one of the many sacrifices that I have to start making.

Did I mention that I lost my job...AGAIN!? I don't recall if I wrote this in my last post but after telling me that my schedule which had me working 10 hour days Monday-Thursday so I can do shows on weekends (which we already have a ton of. This is all moving so fast) was alright, they renigged and said that it was impossible. However, I did get yet another going away party.

God is faithful. This is evident. It's been evident. I can look over the past few years now and let out a big "Oooooooh, I see" when I think of so many things that have changed in my life. It's evident in the warning signs He has given me to not do some really stupid things, all the while showing me grace as I dare to test the waters. It's been evident in when I have nothing else to depend on but His faithfulness and then He provides in miraculous ways. But most of all, and this is one of my favorite things about God, is the that He is faithful to ""discipline those He loves. It used to be when I thought about this verse, I equated discipline with punishment. That's not true really.

Discipline includes strengthening and testing. For example, I have been getting disciplined all week. This past week for me has been artist boot camp: countless interviews, shows, meet and greets, traveling, you name it. I really don't know if anyone can be prepared for this even if they have wanted to do this their entire life, which I have not. I have learned so much in just a week about myself, the other girls in the group, the industry, and life in general. Here are just a a few things I have learned thus far:

1. Because It's Really Love
I always thought that I was really good at loving others. I am all hugs, all encouragement, and often very thoughtful when it comes to making others feel loved. However, I have found that I am only good at making others feel loved MY way. For instance, Tia loves when things are clean and orderly. When trying to grasp this one Valentine's Day, I cleaned her bathroom for her. She was elated. In seeing how elated she was over that it made me ask myself if I truly do a good job in serving others and loving them sacrificially. Loving people and having happy feelings about them are two completely different things. Loving Tia my way is putting a note on the fridge that says "Have a Stellar Day! Love Ya Bunches" and she appreciates that. However, making her life a little easier and less stressful when she comes home would take me maybe putting all my shoes and laundry upstairs instead of leaving them downstairs. See the difference? People often have different love languages and you can either love them in a way that makes you most comfortable or in a way where that person knows that they are truly loved. Because I am a follower of Christ, I aim to do it His way: He could've easily written me a nice long letter expressing His love for me but instead He gave His life. There is no greater love or sacrifice and that is NOT comfortable.

2. The Man in the Mirror
Being in a music group and being a roommate is a lot like marriage. It involves commitment and sacrifice. Another thing is that it stretches you because you often see your faults magnified about 20x because you are constantly around another person or in my case, 3. I got furious with one of the girls one day and have not said a word about it yet. I am not one to shirk from confrontation by any means but I did not have peace about approaching her because I realized that I needed to remove the telephone pole out of my eye before attempting to talk about the splinter in hers. Was she dead wrong? OH yes. But she would have had every rite in the free world to turn the situation on me because my attitude this week has not been all that peachy either. I need to ask for some forgiveness before I check somebody else and when I do it, it has to be in love. This gives me a headache like you would not believe.

3. Leave Me Alone
I was in the car coming home from our fifth show this week, praising God that I am not married or dating. Truth be told, and no need to look out of your window for flying swine, I don't want to date anyone right now. I REALLY don't. My life is a whirlwind and I am learning so much about myself that I am coming to realize who I truly am. Not that I have never been real, but I am growing into a new person and I need to find out who that is.

And it's a daggone shame too cause I have been around more cute guys that love Jesus this week than I have been in months! If they aren't married, I don't really talk to them much. The main reason for that is that even though I wrote a goodbye letter to every guy in my past (see New Year's Eve post) there is one (I won't mention) guy who I have seriously had a hard time letting go and I am still pretty bruised because of it. So it's best for me to just be cordial and I am fine with that. I have prayed and cried and prayed and cried and have finally told God that I am no longer praying about my husband. I have put in various requests, made notes, torn out magazine pictures and written umpteen lists to make sure that God knew exactly what I was looking for. And then I met him and realized he wasn't it. LOL! There's nothing else to do but live my life and leave it up to God.

That's it in a nutshell. I know there is more but I just got off the road and am exhausted. Real life starts back tomorrow and I need to find yet another job.

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