Friday, April 14, 2006

Living On the Edge-Toya
There really is such a thing as "good ugly". For instance, Joe Perry from Aerosmith (who did Living on the Edge) is good ugly. Dave Grohl is good ugly. This is why Tia and I were meant to be friends. She feels the same way. Pretty boys? Uh uh. Give me one with a snarl and scar on his cheek any day of the week.

Me:"You know I am really on the edge when I start twitchin"
Tia: " Oh. I didn't want to say anything cause I thought something was in your eye but Tuesday? Yeah, your right eye was twitching."

Nervous twitching started when I was at that one job that drove me crazy and I wound up not getting fired but "let go" cause it wasn't a "good fit". Not that job, the one before that. The last time I remember twitching was when I found out that Gloria, the co-worker from hell (much like the one that initiated the first episode of twitching) was only going to get off with a warning after being completely insubordinate to me, the manager, in front of numerous customers. So it was no surprise really that I started to twitch on Tuesday because it was Tuesday that I found out that our lead singer had quit the group with no warning whatsoever.

It's been a long two weeks. I have had to deal with some crazy stuff. We all have. One day, I walked into a lobby to use the phone and turned around to find that I was standing in front of a huge poster with my face (as well as the other girls' faces) blown up on it. Feeling like I was on Punk'd, I walked around on the other side only to see another picture of us. I quickly hung up the phone and walked out of the room to go collect myself because it was too surreal. There have been some fun times, some difficult adjustments, some great fans, some miscommunication and some great food (note:impossible to low carb on the road. Hellooooo Slim Fast bars.) Even with all of the pressure we have had to endure, I never thought that one of us would up and quit, especially not now. Our record is (was) due out this Summer. Now, we aren't so sure.

There is a lot of tension right now. So much so that my anger went from 0-120 in about .0008 seconds with another girl in the group some time today. I had every rite to be mad, that wasn't the problem. What worried me was how angry I got in such a short amount of time. In discussing it with Tia, it was then I realized that with all of the stress of my job (and trying to keep one), finances, adjusting to life as an artist while learning the business, feeling like I am married to 3 other people and going to bed late in a room that never manages to stay clean that it is safe to say that I am officially on the edge.

But there is a peace I have about everything. Unlike our singer that left, I am fully persuaded that I am where I am supposed to be. I know that it was God that has allowed me to be in the position I am in with very little doing on my own. The pressure is not on me to make things right, the pressure is on His promises. Since God feels no pressure in being God, things will be okay. However, I am not an android and sometimes stress takes its toll.

This weekend we have no shows but I do have a wedding to go to where all of the members (including the ex-member) will be present and together for the first time since the shocking news. One thing about being in a Christian music group: you better try your best to walk the talk with all of the humility, forgiveness and love that a human being can muster when you publicly claim that you are a follower of the greatest forgiver to ever walk the earth and endured the sins of all mankind; a level of stress that I could not even to begin to imagine.

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