Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I’ve got the victory..Yeah, Yeah….YEEAAAHHH – Tia
(see Yolanda Adam’s Victory for the reference)

I have been gone a while. I realized it when I noticed that I hadn’t posted anything of substance since last year. Writing used to be cathartic. It became something I just didn’t feel like doing. It was a lot like everything else.

I’m not sure when it happened but life just seemed to take a downward spiral. My mother, my ex-, my life seemed to be more than I could handle. So I just shut down. No writing. No activities. No life. I spent days on end wondering why I was even alive. Nothing seemed to be going well. I couldn’t be bothered to write….or anything else for that matter. I put on weight. I just stopped caring. A day consisted of work and crying. I even stopped believing that God cared. “How could a God who cared about me allow my life to become this bad?” It was a struggle just to get out of bed.

I was diagnosed with situational depression. “But Christians don’t get depressed”, I thought. And surely black women don’t get depressed. As much as we’ve gone through since…well since forever, black women have been the strong ones. I fought it off. I was strong. I was a BLACK WOMAN. I was FINE. I wasn’t fine. Far from it. I was sad. I was lonely. I was bruised. My SPIRIT was weary. (That last statement has to be said like the Jail Bird twins from IDOL.) I couldn’t see the end of the tunnel because in my mind there was no end. Confusion, fear, depression had me gripped up and I’d lost the will to try to fight anymore.

I had never been a place that dark before in my entire life. And there seemed to be nothing that I could do about it. It was when I finally just gave up that I began to see.

I am the oldest of 3 and have been through more than the average person. Because of circumstance I grew up believing that I had to do it all on my own. I had to fix everyone and everything around me. The need for control was stifling at times. I knew I was anal (my cds were alphabetized by artist and then release date, my DVDs are alphabetized and my closet is in order by the ROYGBIV color scheme.) I just didn’t know why. What I’ve come to realize is that I felt the need to control everything and sometimes everyone around me because there were so many things that I couldn’t control in the past and can’t control now.

But see the thing about God is HE wants the control. Not because he is an evil dictator, but because he knows what’s going on. He can see the big picture while we can only see in real time. Being the loving God that he is he gave us free will. But I’ve come to realize that free will can be a blessing or a curse depending on how you use it. And I had allowed my will to trump letting God lead. I was a petulant child; my will grasp tightly in my sweaty little palm. I can control it because I’m holding it so tightly…right…Right…RIGHT?!?!?


I was MISERABLE. And I didn’t know what to do. It was as I lay on my bed in a ball of tears and despair that I finally gave up. And in that moment of repentance and surrender I felt like God said, “I got you.” I finally realized, HE GOT THIS!!!

I began to realize that I didn’t have to walk in fear of the future, of the unknown, of failure. Because as I surrendered to him he would lead me. I began to understand that even though I thought I had to fix my mother, it really wasn’t my job. God got that, too. I began to see that forgiveness was not a one time thing, but something that I had to choose to walk in daily. (I’m still working on that. My ex’s wife called me and acted a fool. That’s some –ish that I can’t soon forgive or forget. But I’m working on it. ) And most of all I realized that healing is not an instance thing. It is a lifetime journey. There are ups and downs. There days when you will feel completely free and others when you won’t. But on the days that I don’t I now know that God’s got me. Because I’m free. Even though I may not feel it, I believe. He said it

So if the Son sets you free you will be free indeed.
John 8:36

I know that God is leading me. I know that he has a plan for me. And I’m learning to not be afraid, to not let circumstances define me. I’m realizing my past does not dictate my future. Sure, there are things in my past that have scarred and still hurt, but I know that God is healing me. Who I was then does not have to be who I will become. What has happened to me may have shaped me (because no matter what, life shapes you whether you want it to or not) but I don’t have to allow to keep forming. If I will allow him, God will do great things in and through me. My will may seem like the best way, but I now know that his will is the only way.

He doesn’t want a mindless drone that is incapable of making decisions. Nor does he want a control freak whose every choice is dictated by a broken wounded self. He wants his beloved daughter to seek his face and his kingdom because she knows HE GOT THAT. And because she knows that in doing so, everything else will be added: career, husband, finances…PEACE.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:33

God’s shaping me. I hate that it took me having to reach the lowest point in my human existence before I would give up my will. But hey, sistahs ain’t perfect. And I know that at the end of this when it is time for my voice to be heard, I’m gonna have a helluva story to tell.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way, walk in it.”
Isaiah 30:21

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