Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Yes He Will-Toya
The above song is from Fred Hammond's "Purpose By Design". This record and Hero has had me crying at my desk for the past 2 weeks straight. Thank God I work in a cubicle.

There is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much going on that I don't even know where to start. The following story is just barely half . I have been waiting for things to either blow over or get resolved to the point where I can articulate the lessons learned. Tia and I never want to get on here and just start ranting about how everything sucks. We don't want to use any platform for negativity. We want to speak faith to anyone that reads our blog. I am finally at the point where I can.

After coming home early from work to help a friend in a crisis, I opened my mail to find that my car was about to be repoed. Oh yes. The man himself was coming for my whip and if I didn't have X amount of dollars (and I didn't) I would be carless. This sent me into a hysterical fit that I had been surpressing for weeks. Already broke and deep in debt I got laid off during Christmas (yes again, not fired this time however) and now even if I were to get a job, there was a good chance that I would have no way of getting there.

In my whole 31 years of living I have never cried like this before. It was an exhausted type of crying where I expected to look into the mirror and see sheets of water pouring from my eyes. My face hit the floor and and tears effortlessly poured from my face as if someone turned on a faucet and just left the room. (Side note: I am listening to Heather Headley and I do believe I love her. I am about to make her my play cousin like India Arie).

I was scared. I was scared because I was hopeless. I was broken not because of the news about my car but because I finally got tired of the cycle of financial struggle that I have been in since college. In muffled prayer into my carpet I cried out to the Lord"I don't want you to rescue me again. I don't just want a way out of this. I want to be changed Lord. I need to be changed. Only you can do it. I don't trust myself. I can't change myself. I really can't do anything at all without you. I am helpless." And that has been the cry of my heart as of late. There are certain things about myself that I am completely incapable of changing on my own. I don't care how many resolutions I make or how good my intentions are, I can't change these things, only God can. And for the first time in my life, I got an understanding of what faith truly is.

I believe that at the times we say that we are believing God for something, we try to play reverse psychology on Him. We mope, get depressed and put on a show and strive to just make it up the rough side of the mountain all the while saying "Oh but the Lord will make a way." The fact is, I need a car. The fact is God said He would supply my needs. That settled it. Did I know how? Absolutely not. So I tried a new thing: I started to actually believe what the bible said with no reservation but instead with joy. I got up, grabbed my bible, some paper and a pen and went downstairs. I remembered that faith came by hearing and since we have umpteen religious channels, I knew that someone somewhere was speaking faith. I did not want to be around anyone that was not speaking faith and I still don't. I believe that God was going to meet me and speak to me where I was whether I thought I deserved it or not. I believe that only because He said it and if it didn't happen then I needed to really reconsider why I believed what I believed. What it came down to was, either God is true or He is a liar.

I ran downstairs and watched 3 sermons. EVERY SINGLE ONE spoke about exactly what I had been going through. Every one of the preachers had a scripture to speak against the fears, failures and insecurities in my life. It was as if they had been in my room while I was crying and praying out loud. I stepped out on faith expecting to hear from the Lord and He answered me repeatedly. I still had no idea where the money was going to come from but it eventually came and not from where I expected.

I THOUGHT that it was going to come from my last resort, an ex-coworker of mine who said that if I ever needed anything to ask her. She made me promise that I would. I told her that if I ever did indeed call her then she would know that situation was do or die because asking anyone outside my family for money has never been an option. When I finally swallowed my pride to call her, she assured me that all would be fine and that she would check with her husband. When she did, unbeknownst to her, her husband was taking money out of their account to support his terminally ill sister without consulting her. So where she was honoring him by asking permission to spot a couple of hundred, he finally had to fess up that he had been secretly spotting his sister a couple of thousand. Let's just say, she is not happy.

I believe that as long as you are alive, there is still hope. I resolved that if God did not do one more thing for me in life, I was going to serve Him any how. He has already done enough. I went to meet a friend at Starbucks and as we were catching up I briefly told her about my new experience of faith. It was refreshing. I wasn't walking around in blissful ignorance. It is just easier to have faith when it is truly all that you have. Somehow, I didn't notice that she had taken out her checkbook while I was talking. Towards the end of our conversation, she leaned across the table and put a check in my hand. "Oh no! Uh uh" I protested. I can't take this from you. "Oh but you will." she insisted.

"I'll pay you back"
"No, you won't"
"Yes, I will".
"How about this: you can't pay me back."
And that settled it.

I never even looked at the check until later on that afternoon long after we parted ways. When I finally looked at it I found that my friend had written me a check for about $25 more than what I needed......Insert praise dance right about----->here.

What I have come to realize is that my foundation of faith has been cracked for some time. It seems that I tend to look to myself to fix my own problems because I was too ashamed to go to God for help. By the same token, I came to realize that the truth was I had never truly believed in myself ever in my life. How am I expecting someone I don't trust to get something done correctly? And thus, the cycle of failure. I can only believe that I can based upon who He is. One of the preachers I watched said "You not feeling that you are a winner is immaterial to whether you are one or not. You are. Period." Then he went into some scripture that proved that I am indeed a winner. My being an overcomer is not contingent on my abilities or feelings but on God's existence.

And then there is obedience. My part. And I am trying. But now, it's easier to try because now instead of looking at myself, I am looking to Him.

"...lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1b-3

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