Tuesday, January 3, 2006

Auld Lang Syne- Toya

(I just got done watching Sex and the City Season 3, already breaking my New Year's Resolution and I always get inspired to write after watching it. I know that my posts have been really long lately but like most bloggers, this has been pretty therapeutic and I love the fact that you guys leave comments letting me know that I am not alone in this crazy single life. Sorry so long.)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,And days of auld lang syne?
And days of auld lang syne, my dear,And days of auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,And days of auld lang syne?

In keeping with my end of the year resolution, that is exactly what I intended to do: let old acquaintances be forgotten and start off 2006 with a clean slate. I had decided a week before my birthday that in two weeks, I was going to write a goodbye letter to every single guy I had been physically and emotionally involved with, letting the past be the past and hopefully moving on to a less tainted future. Being the procrastinator I am, I waited until 8 pm on New Year's Eve. Mike's party started at 9pm and there was no way were going to show up that early. "I have to do this tonight" I determined. "Should't take that long. I haven't dated that many guys and I am way too eager to move on." I started way back from kindergarten and by the time I got to guy#16, I knocked on Tia's bathroom door while she was taking a shower and said "I think this is going to be a while. I'm not even to Tag yet. I am not even close. I haven't even gotten to the guys I have met since I have been in Nashville yet." "Oooohhh. Yeah, umm, handle that." she said from the shower. She then went onto explain how she had to do something similar and it took her much longer than she expected as well.

I started writing to guys that I had completely forgotten about in my life, some names I struggled to remember. Yes, it brought up some past hurts which produced some scathing letters (I ripped Guy A a new one), but it also brought back some really good memories. I didn't realize it but I can honestly say that I have been truly loved more than once but sadly enough, I didn't always love back. Turns out that I haven't always been the victim. A good number of my letters were apologies. Thankfully, I got some great revelations from writing some of these goodbyes because it helped me understand why I feel the need to control everything. I got to say things that I would never say in person, things that I wish I could've said back then.

There were three that were especially hard. I kept having to come back to Mark and once I finished, I felt such relief. I went back and started to write "Goodbye" at the end of every entry, closing each chapter in my life. Then I got to Tag. Tag was the hardest one. It was difficult because I had so much to say, so many good things. But it was especially hard because I realized right then and there that I really did not WANT to say goodbye. I was still holding onto something. It took me forever to even start his letter, taking about 2 minutes to even write his name. "This is not necessary" I struggled. As soon as I thought that, Tia knocked on the door. "I was thinking"she said as she stood in the doorway, "you should really finish this tonight. This is important to you. I can wait." "Would you?" I asked gratefully. "This is taking so much longer than what I thought. A half hour has turned into an hour and a half." "Yeah man, look, I totally understand." That meant so much to me. More than she will ever know. It was then that I determined to finish.

I finished with Mike's letter and decided that I had done nothing wrong regarding our relationship. Sure I played hard to get in the beginning but I softened up after a few weeks. Knowing that I turned down a date or two (okay about 6) I then asked him over to hang out with us a few times and we even went out for coffee. Not too long after, I heard from a friend that Mike does some work for that Mike thinks that I am a great girl but like myself, feared that we were too much alike. I have often said that we were too much alike and was pretty vocal about it when people asked me about us. However, there was always a voice in the back of my head that whispered "Thou protest too much." The fact is, yes, we are a lot alike but I think that that frightened me more than it annoyed me. But none of that mattered now because he was no longer pursuing me. I didn't need to know why. I just needed to confidently move on.

I ended my journey down memory lane with a written prayer telling God that I trust Him, that I was thankful for everything that has made me stronger and that I prayed hope against hope that who He has for me will be incomparable to anyone I have ever loved before. Happy to finally be done my list of goodbyes and eager to start off the new year with a clean slate, I hopped up off of the floor and found my black halter top to wear to Mike's "Black T-shirt and Jeans" party. Of course Tia and I were not about to show up in plain black t-shirts. We are far too grown and sexy for that. And besides, it was New Year's Eve and nothing short of cute black halter tops, chandelier earrings and pumps was going to do.

I had heard that Mike was seeing someone already. That's the thing about guys. If they feel like dating they can just move on. Women on the other one, those of us who would rather die than ask any man out, don't have it so easy. We have to wait. Of course I wondered who this girl was, who made me so easy to get over so quickly. It didn't take me long to find out. We got to the house and there they were; Mike, who like all guys who suddenly become unavailable, looked cuter than ever and Tammy. I couldn't hate her if I tried. She wouldn't let me either. She found a comfy place on a crowded couch, snuggled right between Tia and me and talked to me ALL NIGHT LONG.

I tried to crawl out of the door as Tammy asked us which one of us it was that Mike referred to as his sister. "Now, which one of you is related to Mike?" Tia and I just looked at each other. "Neither one of us actually" Tia answered. "Oh, I thought Mike said that one of you was like his cousin or sister or something..." I lifted one finger in the air. "That would be me I guess", I said never looking from the TV as they showed The Bangles reunion. Not even this little episode could rob me of the joy of watching those girls reunite and sing Hazy Shade of Winter. At the end of the night, Mike gave me a big hug and explained to Tammy that we were practically twins. "Yeah, we have decided that we were separated at birth." "We, huh?" I thought. "I mean, we are so much alike, it's frightening". Tammy, looking intrigued, just nodded. "Yeah, it's scary alright" I said. I then cleared my throat trying to give Tia a clue to get up off of the couch so we could leave. Evidently that cue wasn't obvious enough to divert her attention from watching The Goonies for the 497th that I had to literally grab her by the arm and say "How about we go now?" "I'm sorry, umm, uh..." she stammered for words as she saw the uncomfortable look on my face." Yeah, it's about time we bounce."

By the end of the night, I wondered two things: One, were we overdressed cause no one else showed up at the party looking like they came straight from the club like we did ("True, but we were the cutest in the room" Tia answered justifiably when I brought this up during the ride home) and two, didn't I JUST write about 20 pages of goodbyes in my journal promising to never look back? Why was the sight of seeing them together bothering me at all? As we walked towards her car I said "Not trying to be ridiculous or anything but..." Tia interrupted "I mean DANG! Can the ink even dry on the paper yet?" "I know!!!!" I said, grateful that I had someone who understood my frustration. Could I have at least a day before I had to try out my new "Let bygones be bygones". I never really knew the words to Auld Lang Syne but I knew the part where it says "let old acquaintance be forgot" and that's what I had been trying my best to do. So why was I feeling salty at all?

Because no matter how much my head thinks it has accomplished, the heart always feels. I know having my guard up was wise but I feel rejected. That's just the way it is. I have been through all of the comparing and the backtracking and I still know in my head that I am right in believing that I acted accordingly. Mike can be kind of too physical with the affection at times and after Guy A, I am not having that anymore. If that made me too standoffish, too bad. However, one thing I learned last year was that no matter how stupid you think your feelings are, you have to admit your sadness, allow yourself to feel that way, don't wallow in it but move on as quickly and rationally as possible.

What makes this easier is faith. I am not at all out on love and I can attribute some of that to a marathon of "Meet the Barkers". Okay it sounds crazy (as is my eternal crush on Travis Barker, married or not) but I watched this show and was telling God that as His child who believes in His promises, I don't expect any less of the love that they have for each other. They are crazy about one another. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. I have more hope now than ever because honestly, I don't see much of anything so I know that this has to happen in a way that only God can do it. The way He does it, produces the best stories because it is all to give Him glory. For goodness sake, we are talking about a God that parted the Red Sea and sent a savior through a virgin birth. And He can't hook me up? God shows out when we are crazy enough to believe in Him and as of now, I am finally crazy enough to do it.

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