Friday, December 23, 2005

Let It Go- Toya
Let It Go is a song off of Kirk Franklin's latest record "Hero" and it features Toby Mac and Sonny Sandoval from POD. I remember being at a concert one summer and seeing a very olive skinned, sun kissed Sonny walk by as I looked out of the window. An older, much more conservative woman was standing next to me. Looking appalled, she said "Ugh. Could you imagine waking up to that every morning?" I let out a deep sigh, cocked my head to the side and looked longingly out the window. "Yeah", I replied, sounding slightly out of breath, "Oooooh yeeeeeeah".

For some reason or another I woke up this morning and decided that I was no longer going to let myself continue to be shook by unmet expectations concerning men of my past (and a few present). It occurred to me that myself and a good number of my girlfriends are still struggling to get over things that either almost happened/we expected to happen/or happened, it didn't work out and we are left wondering what happened. Instead of a New Year's Resolution, I wanted to make an end of the year resolution: After December 31, any prior situations (mere crushes)/emotional attachments/ex-boyfriends that I still ponder over have got to be let go. Sounds much easier said than done but when you consider it, most of our drama starts with thoughts and if most of us would control our thought lives better, stop living in the past and/or the future and live in the now, we would be a lot happier.

Now I of course have had my heartaches and crushes but I have never talked about Mark at all. This is the first time since writing this blog that I have ever mentioned him because he is a touchy subject with me. He is the only guy that I have ever truly, truly loved. He is the only guy that has made my heart jump every single time he walked into a room. He was my first real kiss. For my own good, I cut him off. We were both scared of commitment: he was scared to commit to God and I was scared to commit to a man. Nevertheless, I loved him but I knew that you can't change a man. Only God can and even God doesn't just force himself on others. Even He is respectful of free will. According to his sister, one day I left the house and his father, a minister, turned to him and said "You know that's your wife, right?" "I know" he answered. He also knew that I have low tolerance and that he would have to get it together. I represented a lot of what he was running from and he refused to change. You can't marry potential. I wasn't squeaky clean either. I told him we couldn't be together and would judge him like crazy but I still took advantage of the hold that I had on him. I could be pretty manipulative. We were both so immature.

I have always been close to Mark's family. His sister and I were best friends in grade school and are still close to this day. She had an accident not too long ago that put her on bedrest so I went to pay her a visit today since I am in my hometown for Christmas. I had no idea that when I walked into her parents' house where she is recovering that all of his children would be there. Yes, Mark has children by one woman that I am willing to bet half my wardrobe and my collection of handbags on, he is never ever going to marry. Coming home to visit over the years, I would always see pictures of his latest child in the house and dreaded the day that I would see them in person. I just didn't know how I was going to feel about it. I walked into the house which was noisy with many kids full of pre-Christmas day excitement. I knew right away which three were his, all beautiful girls.

I have never been a kid person.Before I fell in love with my niece, I thought of kids as just underdeveloped adults. I really, truly did not like kids and kids can pick up on that. In turn, they really, truly did not like me, no matter how much I fronted with them. After becoming an aunt, I have really warmed up to children. However, this doesn't explain why his kids ran up on me, a complete stranger, and took to me like no kids have ever done before. Kids NEVER do that to me. Tia can be in a remote, podunct town and a child will see her and run towards her with their arms wide open, begging her to pick them up. Usually, I have to do everything short of slip a kid a five dollar bill to get them to just talk to me at times. One of his daughters was in a high chair and just kept staring at me, barely blinking. After introducing myself to the kids and giving them each a turn at being thrown in the air, I walked into the room where Anna, his sister was, and stopped cold at the sight of the spitting image of Mark in a pink dress, sitting in his sister-in-law's arms.

"Whose baby is that?" I asked Anna. "Mark's! Remember I said something about a new baby?" I vaguely remembered her saying something but my phone was cutting out and I kept asking her whose baby she was talking about. I had no idea it was his. Kids, four, wife, zero. After we caught up on the current things going on in our lives, I went back out to the dining room and before I could get to Anna's mother I found myself playing with the kids again. The little one that was grittin' on me from the high chair, came up to me and just started running her mouth at record speed. She was so small that i was surprised that she could talk at all. I bent down to listen to her as she came closer to me, pressed her forehead firmly against mine and just smiled. We sat there for a while until I stood up and she wrapped her arms around my leg as I carried her to the middle of the floor. "This is unbelievable" I thought. It was all fun and games until Anna yelled from the other room "Uncle Mark said to behave and stop all of that noise !". All of the kids' including this big kid's eyes got really big as we quickly covered our mouths with our hands. I looked towards the steps hoping that he had not been in the house all that time. As I walked slowly to Anna's room, she handed me the phone. "I called him and told him that he would not believe who was here." "He doesn't know it's me?" "No." "He doesn't want to talk to me." Last time I called Mark to apologize for all of the drama I put him through, he refused to talk to me. Not all guys want to be friends with benefits.

I took the phone and said hello. "Hello, who is this?" he asked cautiously. "Hey Mark, it's Toya." I answered quickly, not at all interested in playing the Guess Who game. "Toya? Oh my God. I had no idea who this could've been. How are you? I wish I could see you." I walked to another room and told him how beautiful I thought his girls were. Just then a bunch of kids found me and started swinging from my arms and big curly afro. "Wait, your children are attacking me. There is one that just keeps staring at me though." "That would be Shana" he confirmed. "So are you going for a boy?" I joked. "Girl, no. I already have one too many." One too many, huh? Wow, dude. WOW!!! I could barely hear what he said as we tried to catch up because of all of the noise the kids were making so I said goodbye and walked into the other room to give the phone to Anna. I stood there as she spoke with him. "Uh huh, yeah. I know, right? Okay, I'll tell her. Hey, Mark said he loves you." I turned to get my cell out of my coat that was on the floor, knowing that I was making a quick get away to the bathroom to text Tia of the drama that is my life. I acted like I didn't hear Anna. She repeated what she said and I yelled a "Love ya too!" that I really tried my best to make believable. I looked in the chair and saw that his new born was hiccupping. "Can I pick her up?" I asked Anna. "Toya just asked if she could pick a baby up. What happened to you?" I picked her up and went onto burp her. I started to give her back to Anna. She started crying. I took her back and rocked her until she went to sleep. Everytime I went to give her back, she started crying again.

"Okay, this is a trip" I thought as I held her in my forearms with her facing me. As I watched her fast asleep, I thought of how all of the other kids in the house, 8 total and half Mark's, were grandkids that had all been born out of wedlock. I thought about how Mark was the only guy that I have ever considered possibly, entertaining the thought of sleeping with and that says a lot. I thought of how I had continuously thought that maybe I was too hard on Mark even though deep down I knew that letting him go was the right thing to do. Even so, I realized that I had never truly let him go because after all of these years I still found myself entertaining what if's. So after silently praying for his newborn child, I praised God that this child was not mine because the word that kept coming to mind as I looked at her face was "timing". There is no way in the world that I am ready to be a mother now so I know there was absolutely no way that I would have been ready to be a mother back then. I would be a fool to think that if I did not have a lick more sense that I would not be in the same shoes as the woman who has born his four kids with no ring to show for it.

Just then Anna's daughter walked into the room and I asked her how old she was. She is 11. I did the math in my mind and realized that Mark and my drama came to a head right around the time she was born and officially ended about two years later. I am embarrassed to admit that I have not let this man go for about 9 years. Now I don't know what the statute of limitations are for getting over a relationship but it sure as hell can't be no 9 years! I quickly gave the baby back, said my goodbyes and got in the car with my phone whipped out to call Tia before I even put the key in the ignition.

The Mark chapter is officially closed. So is the Tag chapter, the Mr. Beautiful Surprise chapter, that kid from band camp chapter and so on and so on and so on. I do not want the right guy to pay for something they did or didn't do. Most importantly, I don't want to be bound to how we women think that we just weren't enough for someone else. There are just some things that don't happen according to plan and we have got to learn to let them go and move on without ever looking back.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

too funny - tia

Seeing Santa is supposed to be the highlight of a child's Christmas experience, right? Then why are so many children terrified of the man? Is it because, as Toya said, Santa is nothing more than a wrinkled clown? "And you know how kids feel about clowns?"

Toya and I were CRYING as we looked at these pictures. They shouldn't be funny. But they are HA-HA-LARIOUS. This one was our favourite.
interpolation - tia

Toya came home and read the new post.

She then threatened my life after seeing this picture of Brody.

I think I will have to fight her.

Random Things - Tia

I'm usually a fan of Beyonce's. I'm not gonna lie. I liked Check On It the minute I heard it in St Louis last month. I did not, however, like the video for Check On It. I guess I shouldn't have expected much since the song isn't really about anything. But the video is nothing more that exhaustive clips ad nauseam of her gyrating and bouncing around in front of pink backgrounds. I was so bored that I changed before the video ended. I will say that I appreciate the fact that she is reppin' the thick girls. I don't care what anyone says. Beyonce is a thick broad. She makes me want to keep my stuff in shape.

If you feel so inclined, you can check out the video on


I just found out that Danny Masterson, our favourite bi-racial character from That 70s Show is a scientologist. Noooo, boo. Don't go out like that.

I don't know a lot about scientology. Nothing at all really, except that the more you pay the higher you go. Or something like that. But if you're going to turn out like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes then you gotta wonder what the heck is going on over there. Have you seen Katie lately? In every photo I see of her she either looks like Jerry Hall from the first Batman after the Joker turned her brain into mush or she has that plastered, "what the hell happened? Get me the hell out of here!!!" smile on her face. Somebody please help that poor child out. I bet when she dreamed about marrying Tom when she was younger she didn't think that she'd be knocked by a guy who subscribes to a cult that believes that you can't scream/talk/cry while in labour. You can tell a man made up this religion. I wish I would go through something that's equivalent to squeezing a bag of sugar out of my nose and not make a sound. You must be out your whole feeble mind.

Heeeeeeey Brody

So allegedly this is a picture of Adrien Brody and his girlfriend.

(Was the above picture taken before or after this happened?

Because they look real happy and I know I would be all kinds of pissed if my man rolled up on Halle Berry like it was his job.)

We love us some Adrien around here. I'm not sure when it started but it came to its full fruition for me when I saw The Restaurant. Brody was officially on the map. That little skinny Polish man could holla at me. For real. (I saw King Kong the other night. It was okay. But thank God Adrien was in it. I don't know that I could have lasted 3 hours with anyone else. )

My question, though, is this: Does Brody not know that he can be down? His girlfriend appears to be pigment challenged. Not that that's a problem. But I just wonder if he knows that the sistahs will holla. This one in particular. I know he's down for the cause. And he has been a suspect for a while. So one just wonders if he knows he can come on over.


I've only heard a few cuts off of Mary's new album. But I'm feeling it. (ooooh and I'm Goin' Down is on. Remember that flaxen haired white boy
kissin' the fool out of that Cho-CO-Late sistah? That has nothing to do with why I love Mary but it sure doesn't hurt.) Anyway, I have been running the fool out of Be Without You. I think Toya said it best when she said that it sounds like "old Mary." And my BA-B-Y Terrence Howard is in the video. Lord I love that man. He is so BEAUTIFUL.

This is so wrong. And so funny.

No, no, no - don't pee in your pants
I have been out on the Black Eyed Peas for a while now. I honestly, didn't think it was a good idea putting a girl in the group in the first place. I don't care who it was. I wasn't a huge fan before the girl but it just didn't seem like a good idea. But then they had a few nominal hits and I got on board. Then it all went downhill.

That My Humps song is's just hell. Period. It is easily the worst song of the last 5 years. I mean. Horrible. I hate it. And I was becoming on un-fan since the release of the second album. But that My Humps crap pretty much sent me over the edge.

The discovery of this picture however, closed the door, locked it and buried it in an alternate universe.

How the story goes, she was just too drunk to realize that she was not a boy. She dropped trou at a concert in Australia and let the madness fly. She initially claimed it was sweat. Ummm...yeah...okay. She finally 'fessed up. But at this point it doesn't really matter.

There is no excuse

Monique is usually representing for the big girls. So I guess leg warmers are in. That was mean. Forgive me. But for real, what was she thinking? (picture courtesy of

I think I'm finished. Besides, VH1Soul is playing a block of Mary J. Blige videos and I am too caught up to type anything further.


Friday, December 16, 2005

Murder on Sesame Street - tia

Okay, you know things are going horribly awry in the world when bodies start droppin' on Sesame Street.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


"The saddest thing in life is wasted talent"

If you recognize the above headline from one of the top BGLU films of all time "A Bronx Tale" then like us, you probably lost your whole mind when you found out that Lillo Brancato (or "C") was arrested for murdering a cop last weekend. What in the world??????

As I (Toya) am typing this, I am watching the Victoria Secrets' Christmas Runway Show. Watching this while sitting on top of 6 pounds additional holiday weight and eating sushi after scarfing down a McDonald's cheeseburger All American Meal (I have sushi cravings like a woman pregnant with triplets) is not the most esteem building activity to say the least. The only reason I am watching this is because I am taping it for my supermodel roomate Tia who is at the movies. She didn't ask me to tape it but I figured she would want to see Tyra's last walk on the runway. We love Tyra! Does anyone even look at the lingerie as they are walking down the runway? Not once have I noticed the lingerie during this entire show. I am too busy hoping to find stretch marks and cellulite. I know, I know...

Icon Richard Pryor passed away this past weekend. I remember sneaking to hear one of my dad's Richard Pryor records when I was little and being so appalled by the language (I was 8) that I quickly turned it off. However, I do have fond memories of Richard Pryor from "The Wiz", "Harlem Nights", "The Toy", "Bustin' Loose" and "Uptown Saturday Night". He was definitely one of our last original comedians. There was none like him before him and there will be none like him after him.

I was thinking today what my Top 10 Favorite Singles of 2005 are and am finding it hard to remember what actually came out earlier this year. This is probably why record companies try to put out albums right before the Grammy nomination deadline so that the release will be fresh in the mind of voters come voting time. I think I have a good idea of what mine are though and feel free to comment on yours. I picked these songs because they have become part of my life's soundtrack and I will love them for years to come.

This will be in no particular order except for song #1 which is ....

#1 Marques Houston's "Naked" -It may be hard to believe (to those that don't know me well) but this is most definitely my favorite joint of the year. I love sappy love songs as well as "get it on" songs and while I am single, I try not to listen to these songs much and keep them tucked away in my "Married Music" file on my computer. Be that as it may, I crank this up when it's on (Honorable mention" MH's "All Because of You").

#2 Kirk Franklin "Looking For You" -I know. How on earth did I go from "Naked" to "Looking For You"? Hey, what's " in the married bed is undefiled". That is my answer when someone looks at me cross eyed when I mention that I like something that is a bit suggestive. You can't be in a bad mood when this song is on. It makes me want to go roller skating. It does NOT however make me want to do that detestful Electric Slide and when I went to see Kirk Franklin a few months back, the whole auditorium turned into what seemed like a gigantic black wedding reception. Before I knew it I was caught in an Electric Slide type maze and learned that if one wishes to get out, they must do the Electric Slide in the opposite direction to free themselves. Remember this tip.

#3 Ne-Yo "Stay With Me" -I am CRAZY about Def Jam's new artist Ne-Yo!!!!!!!!!! I heard this song during an open mic in town and ran to the DJ to ask who it was. I went to the record store the next day and to my delight, they had free samplers. I can't wait for the record. (Honorable mention: Ne-Yo "So Sick" This is his current single. The writing on this is bananas. Straight bananas. I knew all of the words after the first time I heard it.)

#4 Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" -If you are in your car like Tia and I have been, singing this at the top of your lungs without ever reading the lyrics to this song, I am willing to bet my next 3 paychecks that you are singing ALL of the wrong words. I read the lyrics one day on closed caption and realized that I had been singing a whole nother song. This is my jam. Also on the list of songs to sing at the top of your lungs with reckless abandon...

#5 Kelly Clarkson "Since You've Been Gone" -I shudder to think how often this song has been murdered during karaoke. Unless, of course, it is sung by Anne Marie, the karaoke queen.

#6 Kanye West "Heard 'Em Say" -I could sit and listen to just the instrumental all day long. It is infectious. I love Kanye West's rhythm over this and with Adam Levine's falsetto...stop it. Ridiculous.

#7 4th Avenue Jones "It's Over Now" -Most underrated party song of the year. So glad that this is on 12".

#8 Lifehouse "You and Me" -I melted the first time I heard this song. This is the most perfect song for a couple's first dance at their wedding. I never even really thought about what I would pick until I heard this for the very first time.

#9 Amerie "1 Thing" -This was most definitely the "Crazy In Love" song of this year. There is not a girl I know who does not go into Carmen Electra mode with the rest of her girlfriends when this song comes on at a party. And when they play this and "Crazy In Love" back to back,'s over. I left a guy standing on the floor one night when this song came on. "Where are you going?" he yelled as I left him in mid conversation to join the group of my girlfriends flocking to the center of the dancefloor. "Don't you know?" I responded as if he was brand new to earth "This is the anthem."

#10 Charlie Wilson "Charlie, Last Name Wilson"- You know it's a hard time to be single when the man that wrote "Yearnin' For Your Love" is beggin a sista and offerin to give her his manager's number, his studio number and even his mama's number. I never get tired of this song or making fun of this song. Good to have Charlie back.

Well that's it for me. Feel free to chime in...

Sunday, December 11, 2005


I hear Taps playing softly over Fez's career.
(picture from Pink Is The New Blog)

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Billboard Music Awards- Toya
We are taping the Billboard awards as Tia is at class and I am SUPPOSED to be practicing on my turntables but it is rumored that Kevin Federline, K-Fed if you will, is to perform tonight. I cannot seem to tear myself away from the TV. Therefore I will type my commentary as it comes to mind. I may post this, I may not. Either way, I need to be doing something constructive and I haven't posted in a bit.

1. Green Day- I have not felt one thing that Green Day has put out since "Brain Stew". I was at a booking agency one day and there was a copy of Spin magazine on the receptionist desk. Someone had written SELLOUT all over Billy Jo's face. Ouch! I don't want to be one of those people that say that because a punk group becomes popular that they have sold out. I mean if anything, well...they have been a nice break from Blink-182.

2. Ciara- Okay, the only thing missing from Ciara's performance was a hoop earring with a key in it. Good grief, Holy Rhythm Nation Batman! From the jet black hair, to the one handed countdown from five, to the "I like that" in between songs, I mean dag! I don't understand how Ciara is a singer and only adlibs to her song as it plays. I am not a Ciara hater. However, I am a hater of the low industry standards that has allowed this to be acceptable. And where is Fantasia? I hope someone comes out and actually sings soon.

3. Nick Cannon just came out in Hulk Hogan's old wrestling pants.

4. Mariah Carey just won the Best Female R&B and Hip Hop award. I love Mariah, I don't care what she wears. Her album is FIRE and the more I hear it, the more I love it. And because she appears to be the only one on here that can sing, I will not talk about how she looks like she was wrapped in some tight silver Christmas ribbon.

5. Toby Keith is on and I am reminded how I have lived in Nashville for 5 years and have not run into not one country singer. I don't mean at shows cause after all Damien did introduce me to Big Kenny of Big and Rich. I mean at like Kroeger or Puckett's Country Store or even Starbucks? Doesn't Chris Cagle live in Nashville? Why haven't I run into him? Probably because God knows better.

Speaking of Chris Cagle, this was on his website recently...

To All My Loyal Music Fans: "As many of you are aware, I had been anxiously awaiting the addition of a new baby to my life. The baby has been born and both mother and child are in good health. Since the birth, however, we have discovered that biologically, the child is not mine. As excited as I was about becoming a new father, my disappointment is equally as strong. So out of respect for all that are involved, please allow this situation to remain private and know that I will not be commenting further on this very personal matter. I'm thanking you in advance for your kind cooperation and understanding." Chris Cagle


5. Pretty Ricky is on. Tia and I have one question and it is not why their group is called Pretty Ricky when none of them is named Ricky. OUR question is why is their group called Pretty Ricky when NAMN (not a damn) one of them is remotely pretty?

6. You know what? I actually like Ashlee Simpson's songs. They feed my inner Chrissy. I can't help it. Uh oh, Ashlee Simpson and Pretty Ricky are doing a "collab". Tim, you know I am pissed to the highest pont of pisstivity over that.

7. I am VERY happy that Mario won with "Let Me Love You". The song is sweet, positive and is actually a song that he can get onstage and thank God for.

8. This DJ is making feel like a big DJing poser. I SWEAR I am practicing when this goes off. He is so freaking good.

9. LL Cool J is making me stumble. He looks so good, I am having an allergic reaction. I am SO fasting tomorrow.

10. Gwen Stefani's "Luxurious"- If one more person samples The Isley Brothers "Between the Sheets", Ron Isley needs to go Mr. Biggs on them and beat the snot out of them with his cane. Before I fall asleep on this performance, allow me to get on my soapbox and talk about something that has been bothering me for a long time...

Billboard has murdered R&B by combining the genres of R&B and Hip Hop on their charts and that is why the state of pure R&B is so horrible. Radio has gotten sucked in. This is why we are lacking "Grown Folks" music. What happened to just singing? I don't want to hear a Teena Marie song with the Cash Money Click rhymin in the bridge. It sucks for real.

11. Tom Petty is getting the Century award and I am not mad. My favorite Tom Petty song? His duet with Stevie Nicks "Stop Draggin My Heart Around". You know, the more songs they play of his, the more I realize that I like a GRIP of his songs. How'd I forget "Refugee"? Tom got hits! I need to go on and get that greatest hits record. Tom Petty to me has always been somewhat of a Bob Dylan that I could actually understand. Damn, damn , DAMN Tom Petty is OLD! What is going on? Where did the time go?

12. I aint lyin', Scott Weiland is gonna cause me to go to jail, he is so fine.

13. Thank God for Charlie Wilson. I am so proud of him.

14. Dammit, R-uh's on. R. Kelly is performing "Slow Wind" and the awards show has just taken a sort of BET Uncut turn for the worse.

15. I will say that I do like the fact that if there is an artist that wins a number of awards such as Green Day, they only have to go up once. I appreciate that.

16. First "Dancing with the Stars" and now they are advertising "Skating with Celebrities". Come King Jesus. Please tarry no longer.

17. This year's American Idol winner Carrie Underwood won 3 Billboard awards and I didn't even know her first single came out. Go ahead girl! Country has grown on me. First I started eating sushi this year and now this.

18. Why is Kelly Rowland now the spokesperson for Destiny's Child? She also went to the American Music Awards by herself and accepted their award. My guess is that Beyonce' is too busy being Beyonce' and Michelle is probably happy to finally be out of underneath the pressure of being a "child" and is sitting in front of big old plate of good ol' southern comfort food. I would be, shoot.

19. Kanye West makes me laugh. I don't take him as seriously as most people.

20. Look at Duff McKagan looking good! He must be off the drugs.

21. BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No K-Fed. Wrong, just wrong. See where rumors get you. I am mad because the announcer said that this was the performance that everyone was blogging about. I feel so bamboozled. So led a stray, run amok if you will.
Hmmmm- by tia

So it turns out that Skateboard P doesn't want to work with Justin (I didn't mean to show her boobie. Please don't beat me up.) Timberlake on his new album. Excuses, excuses, excuses...

The real reason that Pharell doesn't want to work with JT is because he already did Justin's new album. It's called The Hijacking of Thicke aka The Evolution of Robin Thicke.

Thank you. I'm here all week.

Thursday, December 1, 2005

Too Cute - tia

This picture made me smile.

I'm bored in my hotel room and that is why there are so many random posts from me. I'm going to bed now.
Under the what was she thinking category - tia

I don't know if it's the long sleeve onesie she's wearing (Don't front. Anyone who has ever been around, seen, or heard of a child knows what a onesie is and KNOWS that this is one.) or the...are those sneaker platform heels....? Oh dear Lord.....WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!