Tuesday, November 22, 2005

You Learn-Toya
You Learn is a song off of Alanis Morrisette's masterpiece "Jagged Little Pill" that I was listening to today. It's the perfect album. Why is it that I am just not willing to listen to Happy Alanis? No, I want angry, bitter, F-off Alanis. That's my homegirl.

At what point do you accept your shortcomings as shortcomings? Like are there things about your personality that you will never be able to change no matter how much you work on them? I ask this because I am sitting in another coffee shop angry and hungry. Angry because I was so excited to come here and read my new book, The Messies Manual, about how to get your life organized (my excuse for not being at home cleaning my room right now) only to find that I left it on the kitchen table at home. My friend Candice has the book and graciously offered to go around the corner to her house and get it. While waiting, I reach into my bag to get money for a much needed latte only to find that I left my wallet in my other jacket pocket. Honestly...

While I believe that we can do all things through Christ that strengthens us, I also believe that we are all fallible creatures. Life consists of ups and downs, set backs, and inevitable life lessons that are beyond our control. However sometimes, I wonder how far I will be able to get ahead in life with the weaknesses that seem to just be my lot of my existence. I know it seems like I am being hard on myself and this is in no way self loathing. I am happy with who I am and the 30's so far seem to be the point of great self realization in life. I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been because I finally know who I am. The thing is, now that I finally know who I am, how much of that can I really change at this point?

Side note: My intent was to settle at one coffee shop at 7:30 and stay no longer than 2 hours. It is now 10:30 and after sushi with Candice and another coffee shop in between, I am at my favorite coffee shop in a corner and still haven't cracked open that book.

I am the Denise Huxtable of my family. TOTALLY. That's what my dad calls me and I admit that The Cosby Show can be a bit embarrassing to watch at times because although she seems to make some dimwitted decisions, I totally get the reasoning behind all of them. Denise was the odd chick out. By society's standards, I am a bit on the bohemian side and am sitting in a coffee shop full of noisy people with downtempo music playing in the background and have not felt this relaxed in weeks. This is MY peace and quiet. I am most at rest with a steady background hum of noise and could probably stay here for the next 6 hours just like this. But back home, the silence is DEAFENING and I feel like I can't get a thing done. I've done more reading with all of this noise than I have tried to do alone at home for the past few weeks.

My point is, with all of my idiosyncrasies, how do I become the best, most functional adult I can be? Kind of like, if a child has dyslexia, teachers find out their learning pattern and find the best way for that child to learn. I think at times we try to learn life and adjust like someone else. I can't organize my life the same way as let's say Tia organizes hers. We see life and think completely different.

Thankfully enough, this book The Messies Manual by Sandra Felton (I finally did crack it open) has already been a big help because it describes me to a T: Disorganized thinker, easily distracted, forgetful, and a person that visually tunes things out to the point that I don't notice a huge mess unless I am forced to sleep on top of it. This would depress the mess out of me if it weren't for two things:

a) This book was written by someone with the same issues that I have and has gained enough victory over disorganization and absentmindedness to write a book on it and conduct successful seminars. It helps to know that I am not the only messy in the world.
b) Tia brought up the other day that I am very good at maintaining solid, fulfilling friendships. She told me that I have a gift of impacting people in a way that their lives will be forever changed because they knew me. That's an amazingly, humbling gift from God that has little to do with me and everything with God using me as a vessel. And while I am grateful for that, can I please be so on the ball that my room stays clean and my car doesn't look like I am the mother of two sets of twins because of all of the fast food trash in it? Sigh...

We have to be patient enough with ourselves to see our shortcomings as kinks. Working out kinks takes time. My massage therapist would work out the kinks in my back with slow, deep, eye crossing painful kneading. I went to her after about 3 car accidents. No telling how much built up tension she had to untangle and it took a while. The looser the kinks got, the less time our sessions took and the less painful they became. I think I am finally ready to knuckle up and get to work on these kinks in my life.

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