Monday, November 21, 2005

Runaway Girl- Toya
Runaway Girl is one of my favorite songs by Anberlin, the official favorite BGLU band ever. We should sponsor one of their tours, I swear. Man, why can't we win the lottery!?!?!

Friday evening I got in my car and received a phone call from Mike asking me what I was doing. Itching for sympathy I explained that I had just gotten done sitting at a coffee shop for 2 hours waiting for the Pop-A-Lock guy to get my car door open in the freezing cold because I managed to lock my keys in the car with the ignition running. He asked "How did you lock your keys in the car with the engine running ?" in a condescending way that only those that possess the XY chromosome pair can ask. "Well, I took my hand off of the keys", I began slowly, " grabbed my bag, then opened the car door, locked it and then shut the door behind me." After a bit of silence in response to my smug answer he said "Well I guess that is one way you could go about doing it."

I was really mad at myself for doing that. I was mad because lately I have been running from responsibility in my life and not facing all that is going on. I was in such a rush to go kick it when I should have been home doing a number of important things and before I knew it I was in the freezing cold watching people walk by with sympathetic "Oh you poor idiot" looks on their faces as I am waiting for the guy to finagle his way into my car. I feel like I am trying to outrun a tidal wave. You see it coming and it looks small at first but the closer it comes you try to outrun it and there is no way to outrun a tidal wave. There are some things that seem to be piling up on me (bills, responsibility, matters that eventually everyone has to face) that seemed to be really small from a far but now I feel like they are all going to crash on top of me and I am not prepared.

I once told my mom that I had a problem with procrastination and she shut that down real quick. "Toy, procrastinators put things off but they eventually get around to doing those things. You just don't do them." Ouch. It's true. I can't get too specific but there are some things biting me in the butt now and also there are some things that are changing in my life that are good but downright scary and hard to deal with. Things that are going to take a lot of faith and prayer and risks. So what do I do? Overeat, overspend and overanalyze. So instead of tending to things this Friday afternoon, I found out that one of my best friends was taking a much needed extended lunch break downtown and I hightailed it without a thought. I got in my car, turned the music up really loud and got there in record time. Cause sitting at home and actually DEALING with things, the mere thought of doing so, scared me half to death.

It was an hour before I realized my keys were locked in the car. I was so excited to see Katie and not have to be alone with my thoughts. We went for sushi and even though I talked to her about what was going on, I still wasn't prepared to deal with any of it. Upon leaving, I looked for my keys and then returned to the coffee shop where we met up and still couldn't find them. I walked to my car and saw the keys in the ignition through the window. "I know that's not MY car I hear running." I thought and most likely said out loud. Sure enough it was. I calmly called roadside assistance through my insurance company and went back inside to call Tia.

I immediately knew that this was a lesson and thank God that it cost me nothing but time. I felt as if though God had put me on a time out. I had no choice but to sit there and wait and I couldn't come and go as I pleased. Tia said that if she was there she would have given me a hug and I told her that I didn't deserve one. I needed to buck up and get it together.

I have learned a lot of lessons in my 30th year of existence and they have all stemmed from the theme of not having as much control over your life as you think you do. That is scary to me. The bible says that many are the plans of a man's heart but it is the will of God that prevails. I don't like suspense and I constantly feel like I am currently living my life with violins playing in the background, building up at a slow steady, increasingly frantic pace. What I do know is that God does not give you a spirit of fear and while He may be preparing me for something tough, it is the enemy who tortures you with the what ifs.

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