Wednesday, November 2, 2005

(Did I) Miss Again ?- Toya
How are you NOT loving Genesis? I mean, Phil Collins as lead singer, Genesis. Peter Gabriel led Genesis was just weird. But Miss Again, Throwing It All Away and No Reply at All are RIDICULOUS! I love them!

Hi, my name is Toya and I am a relationship retard.

Ever get the feeling that maybe you are one of those people that are just not cut out for relationships because you are either too guarded, too vulnerable or both? Meaning, too guarded because you are too vulnerable? I fall into the too guarded territory and have for most of my life until these past two years. Within these past two years, I found myself on the too vulnerable side, falling for what seemed to be the right guy who did the wrong things (Guy A) and then the wrong guy who did all of the right things (Tag). Let's not forget the fillers (the He's Just Not that Into Me Guy, Ross, and Mr. Beautiful Surprise.)

Let me go onto say that the LAST thing I wanted to do this year was to come on here and talk about another guy. PLEASE believe that. To my knowledge God and I had an agreement: 3 months of just Jesus and me. And I was ECSTATIC about that. I don't remember the last time I had that much peace. It wasn't out of fear that I didn't want anything to do with the opposite sex. It wasn't even out of frustration. I just like the idea of not liking anybody and no one liking me. In fact I liked it so much that I wondered if I could really live the rest of my life that way. Well the answer is no because well, while I am not all that amped about kids, I am that amped about sex. Let's move on.

So as history has shown, when I choose to go about my business I am usually hit with the unexpected. This unexpected came in the package of a really cute, brown skin brotha my age (No one in this town is my age I thought), who has the EXACT same passions I do, same tastes in music, same sarcastic sense of humor, loves him some Jesus and you want to know the crescendo? He can skate board.

Before anyone goes asking where our wedding registry is, know that it's not even like that. Let's call him Mike. A mutual friend told me about Mike a week to the day I had cried out to God to start mending my heart and make me content where I was. So anything short of LL Cool J's long lost twin that I thought was going to interrupt my newfound joy and security was gonna be a no. My friend Laura insisted that we meet because we had so much in common. And she's right. Once i had been around him a few times, I feared we had too much in common because at least 4 people have said the following words to me:

"He is a guy version of you."

It's so true. He is me times 2. Knows no strangers, eclectic but down as four flat tires and (gasp) at one point it seemed, was pretty interested in me. That was until I repeatedly turned him down when he asked me out for coffee. In my defense, I really could not go all 4 times that he asked me. Okay, maybe one of the times I could've made an exception, thrown on a hat and not relaxed my hair that night but I mean look, I am a busy person. I need notice.

I have made every excuse since the moment I laid eyes on him to not like him. Knowing that I am the queen of Ignore and Deny, Tia listened to my why nots and how I thought that this was all bad timing because it was not MY timing and came back with this as a response:

"I hope you like cats then."

I don't always like her. I love her, but I could've thrown her out the window for that one.

And I was perfectly fine with trying not to like him until it became frighteningly clear that he started to back off and for that I am admittedly insane, juvenile and controlling. What sucks is that my friends love him and he seems to be getting along well with each of them thanks to me who introduced him to all of them. Cause I am queen of the hook up. Just ask Tag and his new girlfriend that I set him up with.

So once again the cheese stands alone and I am starting to wonder if I intentionally sabotage myself sometimes. My dad shared with me a while ago that when he prays for my husband, he prays that God will send someone with patience. A really, looooooooong suffering type brotha. My best relationships have been with guys that I knew for a while before we even got together. I have to get over my nervousness and skepticism first but once I do I am the best girl that a guy could have on his side. But until then, I am a piece of work and I really don't know how to change that about myself.

All in all, I believe in God's timing. God knows my heart and He knows my struggle. He knows that I am open to His will even if it means that I have to come off of my 3 month hiatus and give the mere thought of dating a shot again (*shudder). I can't beat myself up for what I can't change and for what I feel my standards need to be for my protection. So did I miss again? No. I'm straight.

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