Wednesday, October 12, 2005

We're running....

You can always tell when I’ve been on the road a lot. I write nothing. My sole goal on the road is to get where I’m going, do what I need to do and get home. I have spent more time in random locations in the past 2 months that I don’t know when I’m coming and when I’m going. It’s really starting to suck. The next vacation I have is Thanksgiving and as much as I want to go see my mom and brother I am not looking forward to getting on another plane and sleeping in another strange bed. My old roommate says it’s preparing me for the days when I will be a supermodel (which I took yet another step closer toward in the last 2 weeks) and I have to fly to Milan or something on super short notice. Right now all I want to do is sleep in my own bed for a few consecutive days.

Anyway, I wasn’t planning on whining, but that’s just how it worked out. Now, on with the story.

My mom used to say when it comes to guys it’s either feast or famine. I guess there’s some truth to that. It always seemed like when I was dating someone every guy in the free world wanted to holla. But when I was single I couldn’t buy a date. As I’ve gotten older I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. 90% of the time it’s famine. I’m talking crickets and tumbleweeds famine. I mean Elijah said that it wasn’t going to rain and then it didn’t rain (read: no guys) for 5 (I know it was 3 years in the Bible but I’m trying to make a point.) years drought type of thing. Sometimes wondering if God had shut the eyes of all y-chromosome individuals around me…But then there’s the other 10% of the time where some random guy will try to holla.

However, upon further inspection the remaining 10% are don’tchaknow no good. Now I LOVE me some bad boys. There was this one guy who had just gotten saved not too long before I met him. He’d just gotten out of the pen for slangin’ and he LOVED him some Jesus. So let me get this straight: you just spent the last 18 months of your life getting diesel in the pen, came out found Christ AND now not only do you believe in the gifts of the spirit but you can count in KILOS?!?!?! I’m sorry…WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

It is in those times that I look heavenward and ask God, “For real though???? I KNOW that you said that we would never be tempted beyond what we can bear, but…do you see what you made?”

I cannot lie to you. AS of late, the readyfuels have been on full blast for some reason. Recently, taking my thoughts captive has taken on a whole new meaning. There have been a couple of FOIN creatures of the Most High that have wanted to hook up, holla, or what have you. They got me running headlong to God, screaming, “SAVE ME!!!!!” I have some good long talks with God in the last few weeks. I mean, because these fellas ain’t playing.

They are bold. (“Is your mama fine too?” asked by one of best guy friend’s best friends from college.) They are relentless. (“I just really want to be around you” uttered by one of my intoxicated guy friends who REALLY needs to start living right.) And they are FINE.

(Yes, this is a real picture of a real guy who is trying to be all about me. It’s not gonna work for me though. We disagree on some HUGE issues. I’ve been there and done that with the last guy who officially held the title of “boyfriend.” I already know how that story ends.)

There have been days when I just want to sit on the ground and cry like I’m 4 years old because I’m so frustrated. Frustrated because I’m single. Frustrated because all of these fine creatures of the Lord want to holla but don’t want nothing to do with living right. Frustrated because I’m frustrated. But as those times of frustration subside, after I have said what I feel, and often times, listened to some really angry 2Pac that I begin to calm down and I’m able to hear the voice of God. I know that he loves me without cause. He loves me so much that he wants only the best for me. He loves me enough to protect me. From myself and from the fine-a** knuckleheads. I rest in the knowledge that he calls me beloved. And I wait.

In the waiting I look to those who have waited. I think of my friend Hope, who just got married to the love of her life. I remember the tears they both cried as they stood before God and everybody else and said FOREVER.

I think of Lynette Lewis. One of the godliest women I know. Who, in her 40s, held out on promiscuity, for the promise of something greater. She is now married to a wonderful man, who has 4 kids. She got an insta-family without the stretch marks.

I think of Mickey and her trashing talking husband, KC. He thinks she hung the moon and would whoop an a** if you said anything different.

I’d be a lie if I told you that I never thought of death…my ni**a we the last ones left…Oh wait…that’s 2Pac’s Life Goes On. Maybe I should slow down on Pac for while. What I was going to say is I’d be a lie if I said that it was easy. Battling the readyfuels and the affections of the knuckleheads is a daunting task. There have been times where I’ve wanted to give up and quit. But I can’t. I won’t. I have to believe that I will be rewarded for not taking the easy route. Not making out with the oh-so-hot guy has to pay off in the long run.

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