Tuesday, August 23, 2005

No Ways Tired-Toya

"No Ways Tired" is a song by gospel pioneer James Cleveland. The songs goes"I don't feel no ways tired. I've come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me that the road would be easy. I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me." Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the last installment of the Toya's Tag Chronicles. Glory to God.

I am not saying that I won't be mentioning Tag at all. He is a very important friend in my life and now because of some things that I am pursuing career wise, we not only have a friendship but we have business relationship. So as far as my issues with the what ifs and the shoulda wouldas, my struggles to maintain that line of friendship when he isn't being 2 year old Tag with his big sisters Tia and Toya but being fine as wine grown behind Tag when he is alone with just me (the woman who he vehemently denies is 30) and the frustration of wanting the best of both worlds, I sincerely feel that those are all non-existent due to a very brief but poignant and relationship defining exchange of words this evening.

My much needed 2 day Tag hiatus ended last week and we are back to being ourselves again. I took Tag out for sushi because he is having some career related stress right now. I could hear it in his voice at work, he was straight buggin'. So weird how you can get to know someone so well that you know there is trouble by what they are NOT saying. When we met downtown I can tell by the way he came around the corner that he was on the edge. He gets especially sarcastic and really introspective so I shouldn't have been shocked by what came out of his mouth.

I can't remember what we were talking about before this exchange of words but it was totally non-related. I am used to how Tag flips the script in conversation because suddenly his eyes look totally different and he doesn't just look into my eyes he looks at ME, soul to soul. "I want to ask you something" he began"and I don't want it to weird you out, okay?" "Tag, you can ask me anything you want anytime." I assured him. And I meant that. I really don't have anything to hide to too much anyone but to him I am completely transparent.

"If you were 20 do you think we would be together?"

I looked straight into his gorgeous green eyes and smiled slowly because I honestly felt as if I had crossed the finish line. I knew that my answer would be the final word in the "What If " chapter because I obviously can't ever be 10 years younger. I knew that when I answered this question , the past would be the past and we could move on without any more frustration like we had a few nights back. (Insert sitcom dream sequence music here)

A few nights back we were riding around in his car and when he picked me up he looked especially fly. DAMN fly. I remember getting in the car and him asking me if I was okay and for some reason I just wasn't . It occurred to me that the amount of time I was spending with him whether it be in person or on the phone was the kind of time that I would spend with someone that was my man and I was tired of it. Tag has some discernment that is unreal and I never realized it until tonight. At the end of the night of bickering back and forth, he dropped me off at my car and says, "You know what Toya? I'm sorry I'm 12." "Yeah?" I yelled back, "I'm sorry I'm 50" and I slammed the car door. Apparently he knew what was wrong before I did.

The next day while fasting and trying to clear my head it occurred to me why I was so mad that night. I equate it to dieting. When I started low carbing, I ate my fair share of low carb chocolate. Everytime I would see real chocolate, I would go straight to my low carb chocolate. After a while I got frustrated because it was not the same. I got tired of teasing myself with what was close to the real thing but it wasn't. "Dangitt I want chocolate. Not something that reminds me of chocolate. That is only going to remind me that because of what I want to achieve that I can't have the real thing right now. Forget this fake stuff, I just don't want anything at all until I get to the point of where I can have real chocolate again." That is how I felt about Tag. Tag and I would agree to meet somewhere and I would look especially cute that evening and we would talk for hours. Honestly, he is the closest I have come to a date in forever. For a while I really loved getting random "Hope you are having a good day" text messages and having someone ask me every day how my day was and sincerely listen to why it was good or why it wasn't. But that night, I had had it. I turned my phone off because I knew he would be calling or texting me to see if I was okay. Sure enough, I woke up the next day and there was a message from my sweet un-boyfriend. No more fake chocolate and if I couldn't have the real thing, then I didn't want to spend as much alone time with him because that would only remind me of what I can't have but would love to have right now.

(Insert end of dream sequence music here)

So I looked him square in his eyes and nodded. "Yes, absolutely." I said. "Yeah, I think so too." he agreed. That was that. Sure he makes jokes about me being his wife some day but it doesn't bother me because now I am not wishing that things are different. Our reality has finally caught up with us and we are good for it.

I got in the car after dinner and called Tia. "Oh God is going to bless me. You can't tell me that God is NOT going to bless me. " I have never been so full of faith about my husband in my life and I don't care if he comes tomorrow or in five years. There is no doubt in my mind that God is going to bless me with a most amazing man considering what I did NOT let happen because that boy is beautiful. His voice? I play his music in the house and Tia says "There is no way that that is the person who just left here." He is so incredible and I could have very selfishly had what I wanted and sent him right on back to school next week. Because I didn't, God has allowed some really great revelations to come out of this that I would've missed had I wild out like I wanted to some nights. Thank you Jesus.

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