Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Tell the truth and shame the devil

I had to stop lying to myself.

I realized that I still have a crush on Ben Covington. And now I can't figure out if I'm crushing on him or on the idea of him. He is one of the coveted at my church. If you could see him you would know why. He's beautiful and has a heart for the Lord. What single Christian girl in the city wouldn't want that? But I refuse to let myself be one of the NUMEROUS girls that likes him and feels that "the Lord" has called them to marry this one individual. I mean, ALL of y'all can't marry him. You know that right...?

And then the whole revelation got me to thinking what's worse:
- To like someone and have them like you back but then have the whole thing not work out OR to like someone but never have the feelings reciprocated
- To be really hot and have a lot of scuzzy guys always hit on you OR be really cute and have guys not want to talk to you right now because they want a girl like you later
- To have loved and lost OR to never have loved at all

And after all of that I watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind (which I am convinced is the longest, hardest to say movie title ever.) It got me to thinking all the more. If I could would I erase the bad memories of past relationship?

My initial response was HECK YEAH! I would love to wipe out a couple of people mentally if for no other reason than because I can't do it physically. But then I got to thinking about how all of the past relationships have helped shaped me into the person I am now. And for a split second the answer went from HECK YEAH to HELL YEAH! I spit in the general direction of the guy who belittled me for wanting to get married. I dance on the grave (he's not dead, just making a point) of the guy who totally used my affections for his own selfish gain and put everything else before me. And I throw flaming arrows at every guy who ever dumped me because they realized NO, really did mean NO.

Then one word came to me: Grace (I will write more about that later) Grace. Grace and more Grace. God gives a greater grace to the humble. Yeah, I've been burned before. But I can't let it make me bitter. And forgiving means extending a grace that is truly undeserved. I love how I love not only BECAUSE of past relationships, but IN SPITE OF them. I've had my heart broken but oddly enough it hasn't destroyed my faith in love and relationships. I'm still a hopeless romantic. So I guess have the answer to at least one of my questions. It's better to love and lose than not love at all.


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