Wednesday, July 6, 2005

Something to Believe In-Toya
Every year Tia and I go see Poison and every year Bret Michaels sings this and breaks my heart. I want to just run up there right when he talks about the sign that says Jesus Saves and tell him "He does save! He does! And He loves you so much! I mean, you are still here!" And so is Ce Ce Deville for that matter. If that does not show you that there is a God full of grace up there, I don't know what does.

I am still getting jacked up every time someone says "The Late, Great Luther Vandross". I still can't believe that he is dead. I think this is the equivalent of Marvin Gaye dying to my father. I remember when Marvin Gaye died, my dad looked at the tv screen and said "Huh" went into his room to iron our clothes and listened to Marvin Gaye all night long. He didn't say much but I knew it hurt. In reading up on some articles about Luther Vandross, I stumbled upon one that had this to say:

When Luther would lose any significant amount of weight, he felt sure he would attract love; when it didn't happen, he would go off his diet and gain the weight again beginning another cycle that would, in his own mind, take him further away from his quest for love. The hardest thing, Luther would often tell me, was standing in front of thousands of people who loved his music, working hard to bring his audiences the best show possible and then coming back to an empty hotel room where he could only find solace with food. I recall one particular conversation in which Luther asked me how I dealt with being single, a subject that would come up with some consistency when we spoke.

Here is a man, to me, the greatest balladeer of our time who night after night had to convince others that he believed in the love he sang about. I wonder if he ever just stopped believing in it for himself or tried to force himself to as I had for the past few days. I have realized that for me to stop believing in love goes against the very fabric of which I was made. I am a hopeless romantic. Not an unreasonable one or an illogical one but rather hopeless in being nothing less than a romantic.

I have resolved a few things within the past 24 hours. One, the consequences of defeating yourself by trying to forever convince yourself into believing that you are better off alone, long outweigh the consequences of having to deal with temporary heart break. It is just that, temporary. I have no idea when this will stop hurting but it will eventually stop hurting, be it here on earth or in eternity. I can let it run its course now or I can later be that woman that is left with nothing but cats and cable along with her daily newspaper as her only connection to the outside world.

Two, I now understand what happened with Ross. I finally broke down and watched Sex and the City with a few of my bestest girlfriends. One of my girls back home told me that I am a "Carrie" and I wanted to know exactly what that meant. In some ways, I do see a resemblance in personality. In the middle of me watching it, I remembered something that Ross and I talked about concerning the show and I text messaged him. While texting back and forth and giggling at what he said I stared at my phone teary eyed. "I get it now" I thought. "This was never about me wanting to be with Ross. This was about the idea of me being with someone romantically the way I am with Ross." That is what I fell for. That is why it all of the sudden seemed like a good idea. We can't give our hearts away to a good idea. I would love to have a guy that I can text message about Sex and the City or The Notebook or John Mayer and so on and so on. And I do, as a friend and only as a friend and I must accept that and be honest about what it is that I really want. Right now, it's not him and it's not him mainly because...

Thirdly and most importantly, he has not chosen me. I don't know who Nedbone is but had I heard his/her explanation about why I went through this 3 day crying marathon on the first day, I could have saved myself 18 bucks by not having to buy that book. Nedbone writes:

I understand how you feel. Stop beating yourself up. This is not about one particular person. Your pain emanates from the fact that you want to be chosen by someone. It's simple. Others choose and have been chosen. Ideally, we choose each other for mutual pleasure and growth and enlightenment in our respective journeys through this life. You want to be chosen. You simply want someone (whom you also choose) to choose YOU. That is completely natural.

This cut straight to the core of how I am feeling and why I have been so hurt for so long. I read this and sat up in front of my computer going "Oh my goodness. Who is this, the Dalai Llama? That's it! That is EXACTLY it." So, thank you Nedbone. Whoever you are.

Tia and I have often wondered why the guys we know that are married, married their wives. Not that anything is wrong with their wives but we wonder what made them choose them and forsake all others. Why were the women chosen to spend their forever with. When I looked at those pictures of Guy A and his fiance', they screamed "He chose someone else to be with forever. He has chosen the one that he would die for, he will protect and will solely adore for the rest of his life. He has chosen one person and that person is not you and never will be." Being rejected and not being chosen are two separate things. A lot of us think that we are aching to just be accepted. I truly believe that every single woman desires much more than just acceptance; they desire to be chosen.

I feel like I now have the answer to the most important of all my questions which was "What is this hurting?" only to be followed by "How long is this going to hurt?" The one thing I don't have the answer to is what I exactly was it that happened with Mr. Beautiful Surprise. WHAT WAS THAT!!?!?! That angina like feeling that I had for days? The peace that I felt when I thought of him and totally gave it up to God? The joy I felt of completely loving him faults and all,unrequitedd or not? I will say that this reminds me of a time when I stopped seeing someone that I really truly loved. I didn't call it off because I didn't love him because I was crazy about him. I called it off because I knew that he wasn't good for me. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do because I saw something in him that was so great. It wasn't enough for me to want that for him though. He had to want it for himself and we struggled because he knew I would accept nothing less. So now with at least 3 babies and 2 baby's mamas last I heard, he is still running from being the man that he is supposed to be. Thank God that I listened to my head over my heart.

I realize now that my wanting to build a wall around my heart was a gross misinterpretation of the scripture that says "And above all else, guard your heart". That doesn't mean to not love. It just means to love wisely. It's not beyond our control as much as we think it is. I say that now. I am still a rookie at this.

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