Monday, July 4, 2005

It's Only Love- Toya
This is a song by Bryan Adams and Tina Turner. Bryan Adams greatest hits collection is AMAZING. I mean, I don't have it, but it's rather good.

Let me preface this by saying that I am sure that I how I feel and what I am about to say right now is not right or logical. I am not looking for advice or encouragement. So far no one really has had anything to say about how I have been feeling these past couple of days. Tia has tried but I darn near hung up on her because I just didn't want to hear it. I have been so adamant, so steadfast in my recent declaration that I think I have convinced almost everyone that there is no changing my mind this time. And by almost, I mean not even I am fully convinced.

Basically, I have spent the past 3 days trying to make myself believe that every preconceived notion I have had about love and romance has been so inflated by television and Hollywood that it just simply does not exist. That the very thing that I have always secretly wanted while hiding underneath my facade of "I"m alright. That's cool for the next girl" is about as attainable as coming face to face with Santa Clause. I am not saying that love or falling in love is not real. I am just saying that I don't think it's worth the cost TO ME and for me alone.

I am not saying that I fully believe that. It's just that right now, I have no choice not to.

And since that is a work in progress, I will deal with what the facts are at this present moment. At this moment, I am on Day 3 of crying uncontrollably for no good reason whatsoever. Why? Because like an idiot, I opened up an email that I received from Guy A's fiance' announcing their wedding with a link to their engagement pictures. I stumbled upon this email that was in my Junk file a few hours before a friend's wedding. At first glance I thought, "Wow. They really do look alike." Then I proceeded to read everything:How he proposed, their favorite song, etc. The logical question to ask is "Why would you do that to yourself?" I honestly, 100% believed that I was completely over this. Not so much over it that I would DJ the reception (I still can't believe he asked me to do that) but over it enough that this would not send me into a weekend of unexplainable weeping. I called my mom and as soon as she picked up I started bawling. I have never been so confused and so untrusting of myself in my life. I feel like a time bomb.

My mind says "This is not your forever guy. You would have to completely change who you are to be with a person like him. You know better. That was not God's best for you. Be happy. He is not even CLOSE to being the right one for you and he's a cornball." My heart tells a completely different story. If there were no physical manifestations of the pain that I am in, I would be walking around confident that I am completely over this. I had myself fooled and am really uncomfortable with the fact that I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.

I interrupted my mom immediately when she went into the whole "...and when the right one comes along, you will be happy" spiel. I quickly let her know that none of this is about The One. I don't give a flip about The One. This is about my sanity. This is about my self control. This is about why this has hurt me for almost a year, unbeknownst to myself and how do I keep this from happening again.

And when I couldn't get an answer as to why this still hurts, I started searching for answers to what do I do now. I couldn't go to my friends' wedding that day because you can't put on your makeup if you can't stop crying. Also, the last thing I wanted to be around was romance and the slight chance that Guy A and his fiance' could show up to this wedding just like they showed up to the last one I went to. Tia came in my room before she left for the wedding and asked "So are you not going to the wedding?" "No" I mumbled. "Tell everyone that I am sick." "Are you upset about Ross", she said. "WHO?! NO!!! This is about Guy A!" But then again, how would she know? My heart has leaped into the arms of so many different guys since Guy A that no one can keep track. Hell, I can't keep track either.

I cried myself to sleep and woke up with a plan. "Somebody has written a book about this I am sure. I need to get this machine rolling." I left the house sniffling with a plan to come back with some sort of how-to -rebuild-the-wall-around-your heart-manual. I went to Borders bookstore and found one book which was ironically written by this woman who has written about 12 books on how to be single and satisfied. I hate to say this but everytime I see that she has a new book, I flip to see if she has gotten married yet. She's gorgeous, driven and almost 40. But today, it didn't matter if she was married or not because I was not trying to find a book on how to get married in a year or less. Today, I was trying to find out how I can think like her: if it (everlasting love) happens, it happens. If it doesn't, that's cool too. I've made it this long without it, it won't kill me if it doesn't happen for me.

Saying that is easy, believing that on the first day is hard. So I got my book, managed to dodge the one person I knew there in fear that I would start crying again right in front of them and made my way to the counter. Tears were welling up in my eyes as I wrote out the check. I don't doubt that the person behind the counter could tell that I came in at 10:30 pm on a Saturday night to buy that book in a state of emergency.

As I read through the book crying, it explained to the T the type of pain I have been feeling due to rejection and unmet expectations. But to my dismay, when it talked about how to get through it, it said a lot of what I am just not ready to accept. Sure when it talked about how it is okay to be angry, I was all for it. When it got to the "hope again, love again" part, I threw the book to the side and said "That's crap." Slowly I felt the knobs on the faucet in my heart turn tighter and tighter cutting off any feeling of hope and desire completely off whilst becoming stone cold and eventually numb.

I woke up crying the next day and decided not to go to church. I just did not trust myself to not start crying because I honestly don't know when it will happen. For instance, I was watching the video for Mariah's "We Belong Together". That song doesn't affect me and actually most love songs don't at this point because I don't feel any kind of way about any particular person. But when she started crying in the video, I started crying. Pain recognizes pain.

Today wasn't so bad. I went to Ross' house and they convinced me to watch The Notebook. This was my first test to see if I could stick to what I have been trying so hard to convince myself to believe. First of all, something is working because I have no more romantic feelings for Ross than I do for my own brother anymore. I noticed that the day after I made up my mind to protect my heart at all cost. I see him completely differently now. As we sat in the dark, I fought back tears during the parts where Noah pursued Allie in a way that I used to think was just the natural order of things. "This is just Hollywood." I kept telling myself "Men don't do this. People don't fall in love this way. Don't you dare believe it. You've got to let this go."

I know that eventually there has got to be a balance. I always thought that I was logical in how I saw love. I truly believed that it was worth the hurt, the embarrassment, and the shame of it all if the end result was that you got more than what you ever thought you wanted, even if the expectations of what you wanted seemed to be a bit higher than what most people reach for. All I am trying to do at this point is stop the hurt. That is more important to me than hoping for something that really has never been promised to me.

No comments: