Sunday, July 24, 2005

Interstate Love Song- Toya
This Stone Temple Pilots song is the best song to drive crazy fast to down the highway with the windows down.

Me (calling Renee while weaving through Friday after work traffic): "Yeah, um, about tonight. I don't think I'll be going to that thing. Tia and I need to get the hell up out of Nashville."
Renee: "Dag, okay. Why?"
Me: "Got time for me to tell you? In a nutshell, I mean."
Renee: " Yeah, I got a bit."
After sharing with Renee our reasons for leaving town within the next hour, Ren, who rarely if ever utters the slightest cuss word says...
"That's your nutshell?! Yeah. You and Tia need to go get the hell up out of Nashville."

I'll let Tia tell her story but our decision to leave for Atlanta for the weekend came to us simultaneously while we were in two separate places, I at work and she at home, sleeping on her day off on her birthday. Within the past two weeks, I have spent a good amount of time with Tag. I am absolutely embarrassed by how happy he makes me. He had been suggesting that we should hang out more and I was extremely apprehensive because I had just started to be honest with myself about how I felt about him. One day at my office, I could not get his face out of my head. "This is nothing but the devil. I bind this in the name of Jesus. This makes no sense." Funny how some of us always try to overspiritualize things and/or try to make things so logical. I honestly felt the Lord saying "How are you FEELING? Not your head, but your heart. How do you feel?" "Well, I miss Tag. Oh my goodness!!!! Did I just say that? That makes no sense. That's wrong. But Lord it's true. I really miss him. I LIKE HIM." After praying about it some more, He helped me realize that while I missed Tag that was only a small part of it. What I really missed was companionship and after I admitted this, the anxiety was gone and I didn't think about him anymore. Well, not as much.

If I had Oprah type money, I would by the book "Captivating" by John and Shari Eldridge for every woman I saw (*If you have ever even remotely identified with anything we have said on this blog GET THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY!!!). I would keep them in the back of my car and hand them out on the street like Oprah "You get a book and you get a book and you get a book and you...". This book should be dubbed "Oh, So I'm Not Crazy." I have beat myself up so badly for wanting to be chosen. I have black eyes for all the all of the times I have condemned myself for secretly wanting so much to be loved and thought of as beautiful by that one special guy. This amazingly insightful book assures women that this is nothing to be ashamed of and is indeed a God placed desire and is a reflection of His personality as we are made in His image. While Tag is not that one special guy and I know that, he does think I am beautiful inside and out and is rather matter of fact about it. It's nice. I am embarrassed to say it but it's sweet. Dangitt, I like random text messages. I like being asked how my day is. I like catching him looking at me. We aren't mushy or anything and rarely touch outside of playfully shoving each other but I honestly just like sitting next to him sometimes, legs swinging saying nothing at all. To be with someone who thinks you are beautiful and wonderful shouldn't make you feel bad. What sucks is when it is not the person you want to feel that way about you and it is obvious that you can't and shouldn't be together.

One day we were having coffee and he says "Okay, I want you to be really honest with me." "Sure" I said. "You know you can ask me anything." "What did you think of me the first time you met me?" I laughed, sat straight up and told him the infamous Tag story: How I thought I was being punk'd. How it made no sense for this kid to try and talk to me and how annoyed I was that I actually liked it. "I remember going out that night not even dressed up. I think I had on a t-shirt and..." "I remember what what you had on", he interrupted." You had on a red t-shirt and some jeans. I saw you long before you saw me. Not that I was stalking you or anything. I remember, I thought you were so fly. I remember thinking 'she's cute' with your big smile." I suddenly began to sip on my straw of my iced coffee that had long been gone. I really wish that he didn't get to me this way.

We have been pretty open about everything short of saying "Hey, I like you." It's almost as if he purposely makes excuses though. "Even if we did catch feelings, I know I am immature." he explained. " I mean not in everything. I am pretty mature for my age in a lot of ways." I nodded. To me, he is DEAD on his age. Not immature or more mature for his age but dead on and he should be. So we've joked about it and I told him to holla at me in about five years. GOD, please don't let me still be single then.

Like I said, I had been pretty apprehensive about spending time with him until I talked to Des back in NY. Des is the person that we all call for the "Calm the Hell Down" speech because we seem to spaz out about the littlest things. "Look" she sternly said as she began her speech, "This is what you do: enjoy your friendship with him. There is nothing wrong with that. He makes you feel alive. He makes you happy. Hang out with him. He's going back to school soon anyway. He'll go back to school, you'll cry and it'll be okay." "Come on, I won't cry." I said. "Uh, yeah you will" she replied. "Yeah, I will." I admitted.

So under the pretense that I should spend time with my friend before he goes back to school, I intentionally spent more time with him. Then on Friday, when sitting at my desk, I suddenly remembered something he said the night before when I asked him when he was going back to school:

"I don't think I am going back to school."

I sat straight up at my desk and panicked. How did I miss that? He HAS to go back. Tag has always been a recurring character in my life. He can't be permanently here! "Okay, I am going to need him to go back to school" Tia said after I called her. "I mean, I will personally drive him back to school. He can't stay here." Tia just met Tag for the first time a few weeks back. At first, she clowned him. "I would like him if I was 14." Then she saw him for real and I had to check her with a "Jan Brady, JAN BRADY!!!!" Jan Brady is an expression we use for when one of us gets that starry gaze in our eyes and our head cocks sideways because we have just seen the most beautiful boy in the room. A few minutes later she pulls me and says "What the hell are you waiting on? What is wrong with you?" "Oh, he was cute for 14 year olds at first" I shot back"but now he's the man? Oh, I see."

The most frustrating thing to me is this: out of all the people I know in Nashville, this is the guy that digs me the most and he is who he is. That frustrates me to no end. I was at my desk thinking about this party we were supposed to go to that night and I said "There is no way that I can see the same people I see every week. I see the same people all the time, over and over and over. This town is too small. I know a lot of people but now they are starting to all be the same person:twenty-something, happy go lucky, kids. Grant it that is a big part of who I am (minus the twenty something part)but that's not all of who I am. No wonder I keep attracting these 'Tags' ! I don't know anyone. I have to get out of this place." I sincerely thought that if I spent one more day in Nashville, I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I thought about going away but really, where is AWAY in Nashville. I have been here almost five years and this is the first time that I ever felt claustrophobic.

I text messaged Tia and asked her what she was doing. "I'm packing. I am going to visit my dad in Atlanta. If I don't get out of Nashville, I am going to explode." ME TOO!!!!" I wrote back. I called her and pleaded with her to not leave without me. Turns out she needed to leave as much as I do for about the same reason. She waited until I got home, I packed in 20 minutes and in no time we were on the interstate.

We had a good time in Atlanta and I did a lot of thinking. As of right now, my heart is on yellow alert. Oh yes, we have adopted the Homeland Security System for how to guard your heart against going through the ringer over and over and over again. Yellow alert means I just need to be pro active in how I handle things. I can't treat him like I treat Ross and my other guy homies. This is a little bit more sensitive and to deny that out of my embarrassment of actually admitting it would only be setting myself up for another a boy.*sigh*

Tia will be writing Part II shortly.

No comments: