Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Get It Together-Toya
I just heard this song today by 702. I hadn't heard it in yeeeaaarrsss!!!! I miss the 90's.

I have officially jumped off of the insanity train.

I was sitting on the couch and all of the sudden I sat straight up and said "I am bored as hell!!!!" Bored. Bored out of my mind. Bored and comfortable. No not comfortable, bored and LAZY. True to form, when I start getting bored and lazy, that's when I start getting all anxious about the opposite sex. I am bored out of my mind.

I used to have so much drive. Now, I am not certain as to what exactly it is I want to do. And because I am not going full steam ahead, because I am not doing anything to truly benefit others, I have gone inward and have become extremely selfish.

Not saying that my desire to not be single anymore isn't a valid one but when did it start being a focus? Where did I go? What happened to me? I am NOT trying to blame Tia but Tia and I have always been two extremes when it comes to how soon and how badly we want to be married. I think that I have started to settle and slowly started moving towards her side. Why? Because I am bored out of my mind.

You know what bored people do? They create their own drama. They blow things out of proportion. Yeah, (hand up), I did that.

I feel like I just stopped being myself this year. Like I turned 30 and got sluggish. I haven't truly felt like myself in a long time. My "happy go lucky" got zapped. Publicly, not so much. Privately, gone.

I love music. I am passionate about it. Why am I not doing anything about that? What happened to my hunger?

Why have I gained 10 pounds and am just 2 Krispy Kreme donuts away from a size 14 again?

Why don't I work hard ...at anything!? I am too comfortable. And honestly, why worry about dating if right now, I wouldn't even date me. Why? Because my drive is missing. I don't care how cute you are, who wants to be around someone that is so unsure of their future.

Funny enough, I was at the mall and I ran into a lady I used to work with, let's call her Anne. I told Anne that I was on my way out to watch a friend play that night and she says "So Toya, got a fella?" I said "Nope." She shook her head and said "Well Toya. I just don't think that you are applying yourself." If I didn't love this woman so much and know that she sincerely has my best interest at heart, I would have seriously considered "applying" my fist to her eye. Usually I shake comments like these off but this time I stood up for myself. "You know what Anne? I am a nice girl. I really am. I am approachable and I am available. Why do us woman always think that we need to be the ones working so hard?" She nodded and then we parted ways. I was so hot. But now that I think about this conversation and even though I know that she meant that I need to be applying myself to getting hooked up, I am wondering what exactly am I applying myself to? Anything?

Whew! Feels good to be back. Now if you'll excuse me, I am FINALLY getting up off of this bench and getting back in the game. Well, after R U the Girl goes off. But I swear, after that, it's on.

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