Sunday, July 10, 2005

Break It Down...Again-Toya
I knew that Tia was my girl when I heard this Tears for Fears song blaring from her room. Not everyone can appreciate this. I LOVE Tears for Fears.

Every once in a while, you need to take inventory of where you are in life. Are you growing? Is anything stunting your growth? Also, you have to take inventory of those that you choose to surround yourself with because they may either help or hinder your growth. Well that time has come and while taking inventory of my life as of late I have come to this conclusion: I need to grow up...and fast.

I am not saying that I can't be myself and skip in the parking lot when (I think) no one else is looking. Actually, I don't really care if they are. I don't mean that I need to purposely start looking older. But it has dawned on me that I have really started to to hate being 30 and the reason I do is because I don't know anyone my age. To make matters worst, my friends seem to be getting younger and younger. As of late, my newest friends seem to range between the ages of 22-24 and even a few 20 year olds have snuck through there.

Speaking of twenty somethings, I spent a good amount of time with Tag this past week. Something he said to me one night sparked the urgency to do a reality check. “Okay, I HAVE to ask you something”, Tag began. I know what I wanted him to ask, but I doubted sincerely if he was going to cause well, we live in an imperfect world and he is still 8 in my eyes. “Sure go ahead”, I said. “You’re an attractive girl”. “Thanks”. “Like we are in a place like this and well, I see you out a lot and well…where are the guys? I never see you with any guys. What’s up with that?” Out of the mouth of babes.

All of the sudden, I got really embarrassed. I mean, why is HE asking? Why would he bring that up? We were having such a pleasant evening. The last thing I needed was this beautiful, talented, sweet and way too young for me guy that I was with but not with asking me about the state of my singleness. “Well, Tag, your guess is as good as mine. Guys don’t really talk to me.” He found it hard to believe that I just don’t ever get any play. I never even told him that the last guy that ever tried to talk to me was him and that quickly ended after he found out how old I was.

When he asked me this, for a split second I looked at the both of us from the outside and thought "Why am I continuosly with guys like this? WHY????" Everyone is SOOO young. The guys I meet are disappointed that I am 30 and it makes me disappointed too and I should not feel that way. I shouldn't be wishing that I was younger so I could feel comfortable that I fit in. I need to get around an older range of people so I can at least see what being an adult really is supposed to look like.

On top of that, I am not serving enough and I know that I need to be involved in ministry more. Honestly, it seems really hard to get plugged into the church I am in and I wonder if I am staying there because God wants me there or because I love the people there. Am I even pleasing God by being there or has it become a social club for me and I can be used somewhere else? I have seen women in my church who are bitter. Single and bitter. They don't feel like they fit in but make church their entire lives but lack joy. I am not saying that if you don't have a man by a certain age, switch churches. I am saying that sometimes we can get too comfortable and in a rut when change is due.

I think my change is due. I am definitely in a rut. Part of me is too comfortable and another part of me wants to break free and be more influential. I need to check my motives on where I am be it location, job, church, etc. I have got to break my life down and be in constant discussion with God to make sure that I am exactly where He wants me to be.

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