Friday, July 29, 2005
Hey, I don't know anything about the whole "Lance Armstrong left his wife and kids for Sheryl Crow" thing. What I do know is that she is one bad chick.
I remember coming home one night after kickin' it with Tag thinking "You are playing with fire. OH you are DEFINITELY playing with fire." It's no secret that I spaz out at times and the next day I thought that I was just overreacting. But now...
The thing is this: there is a part of me that asks the question "If you weren't so afraid about what others would say, what would you do?" and then the other part says "It doesn't matter what anybody says. It's a NO GO."
Funny enough, I am more comfortable and more relaxed in my friendship with Tag than ever before. Maybe a little bit TOO comfortable. The last thing I want is to come on this blog with a "See what had happened was" story when I know good and well that crossing the line with him could have been avoided by some accountability and common sense. I really, really, REALLY hope that God is not trying to test my self-control because I told God from the door, when Tag came back into the picture, "God if this is a test, I know I can't pass this." Part of me wants to just believe that we are simply just developing our friendship. That was until, well, I can't put all my business out there, now can I?
My dad used to say, "some people just don't believe doo doo stinks". Somewhere along the line, I think I lost my sense of smell.
Homeland Security Alert: Red.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
I know that I just wrote a post called Comfortable. But for real...this time it is so....it's sooo. Just read.
I love the feed back that we get from our readers. Most of the time anyway. Recently, in response to my last post, one of our faithful readers sent me an email detailing her very similar situation. In the post she mentioned the John Mayer song Back To You. As fitting as the song is for both our situations, the more I thought about it the more I realized that Comfortable (at least for me) is my life right now. OH PLEASE NO!!!!!
See if you can follow:
I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
Tag (@ my house before dinner) - I'm seeing this girl. She likes me way more than I like her.
My friends all approve, say "She's gonna be good for you"
Tag 2 @ dinner a few night after the bday incident - That girl with Tag seemed really nice.
They throw me high fives
Also uttered by Tag 2 - And she's really cute. You know I love brunettes
She says the Bible is all that she reads
We all go to church together so this one was sorta a gimme
And prefers that I not use profanity, your mouth was so dirty
I would in NO way say that I have a "dirty mouth" but I have been known to use a...ummm...swear word on occasion
Life of the party and she swears that she's artsy
It kinda seemed like Skipper was trying to little too hard to hang with us and be, shall we say, relevant. At one point I texted Toya who was sitting at the end of the table, "She's a little too new to be trying to be a smart@**. She has to earn that."
But you could distinguish Myles from Coltrane
Man, she didn't know the difference b/w Noel and Ben on Felicity. And she called herself a fan.
As I lay in yet another hotel bed last night thinking about the whole thing, I had to laugh. Of all of the John Mayer songs that my life could be like it's Comfortable?!?!?! Can I get down with a little Wonderland (in the context of marriage of course) or maybe some Come Back To Bed (again, in context) or even St. Patrick's Day. Why COMFORTABLE?????
Dude...I'm out. I'm done. I wants no more. Tag can be on his way. And although I just came to the realization that Ben Covington is my prototype (I'll have to expound on that later.) I'm done. I can't take the Y-chromosome individuals any more. It is what it is. And what it is is NONSENSE. Dude, I'M OUT
And she exits to Digable Planets' Cool Like Dat
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
I just heard this song today by 702. I hadn't heard it in yeeeaaarrsss!!!! I miss the 90's.
I have officially jumped off of the insanity train.
I was sitting on the couch and all of the sudden I sat straight up and said "I am bored as hell!!!!" Bored. Bored out of my mind. Bored and comfortable. No not comfortable, bored and LAZY. True to form, when I start getting bored and lazy, that's when I start getting all anxious about the opposite sex. I am bored out of my mind.
I used to have so much drive. Now, I am not certain as to what exactly it is I want to do. And because I am not going full steam ahead, because I am not doing anything to truly benefit others, I have gone inward and have become extremely selfish.
Not saying that my desire to not be single anymore isn't a valid one but when did it start being a focus? Where did I go? What happened to me? I am NOT trying to blame Tia but Tia and I have always been two extremes when it comes to how soon and how badly we want to be married. I think that I have started to settle and slowly started moving towards her side. Why? Because I am bored out of my mind.
You know what bored people do? They create their own drama. They blow things out of proportion. Yeah, (hand up), I did that.
I feel like I just stopped being myself this year. Like I turned 30 and got sluggish. I haven't truly felt like myself in a long time. My "happy go lucky" got zapped. Publicly, not so much. Privately, gone.
I love music. I am passionate about it. Why am I not doing anything about that? What happened to my hunger?
Why have I gained 10 pounds and am just 2 Krispy Kreme donuts away from a size 14 again?
Why don't I work hard ...at anything!? I am too comfortable. And honestly, why worry about dating if right now, I wouldn't even date me. Why? Because my drive is missing. I don't care how cute you are, who wants to be around someone that is so unsure of their future.
Funny enough, I was at the mall and I ran into a lady I used to work with, let's call her Anne. I told Anne that I was on my way out to watch a friend play that night and she says "So Toya, got a fella?" I said "Nope." She shook her head and said "Well Toya. I just don't think that you are applying yourself." If I didn't love this woman so much and know that she sincerely has my best interest at heart, I would have seriously considered "applying" my fist to her eye. Usually I shake comments like these off but this time I stood up for myself. "You know what Anne? I am a nice girl. I really am. I am approachable and I am available. Why do us woman always think that we need to be the ones working so hard?" She nodded and then we parted ways. I was so hot. But now that I think about this conversation and even though I know that she meant that I need to be applying myself to getting hooked up, I am wondering what exactly am I applying myself to? Anything?
Whew! Feels good to be back. Now if you'll excuse me, I am FINALLY getting up off of this bench and getting back in the game. Well, after R U the Girl goes off. But I swear, after that, it's on.
Monday, July 25, 2005
I started writing this on Friday. And now (insert heavy sigh here) there is so much more. I guess you could call it part 2 of what Toya wrote below, but it will probably seem disjointed until I finish.
You ever been somewhere and the situation goes horribly awry and you're left wondering what the heck happened and how did we get here? Yeah that was me. Yesterday on into the wee hours of the morning.
So my birthday is today. For those of you wondering, I'm 25. Shut UP!!!!! I wanted to have a huge bash type thing but it didn't pan out. So I got a handful of my friends together and we decided to go eat at Carraba's. The friend that was most excited about going, bar none, was Tag. He actually had the night off, which was rare, and he couldn't wait to come. At least until the day of. I get a cryptic call from him mid-afternoon saying that he can't come and that he's really sorry. Of course I want to know why. He said he'd rather tell me in person and that he's coming by the house. (This can't be good.)
He shows up with a beautifully extravagant gift and already I'm on high red alert. Something is not right. Do you hear that faint whistling sound in the distance? That's the sound of a bomb being dropped on me.
So it turns out that Tag has been dating a girl for the last few weeks. He met her at a party that I dragged him to. I met the girl, and I gotta be honest, I didn't think she was all that. Cute, but a little on the ditzy side. But she seemed nice enough and if that's what he likes then more power to him. The problem was not that he was dating someone but that he hadn't told me. We always talk about how we tell each other everything...I mean within reason. So this was a complete and utter shock to me. But nothing was more shocking than the reason that he hadn't told me about, let's call her, Skipper. He said, and I quote, "I didn't know how you would take it and I don't really know how I feel about her." Huh? Maybe the discussion we had not too long ago about us being FRIENDS was not abundantly clear to him. I've been known to talk in circles and maybe I wasn't being coherent when I said that I love him as a BROTHER. Maybe that's why he thought that I would be in a state of flabbergastation at the thought of him dating someone other than me. Whatever the reason, I was floored 1.) by the fact that he'd been hanging out with this girl this long and 2.) that I knew nothing about her. And I let him know.
After we got over the initial awkward moment, he proceeded to tell me that the reason that he wasn't going to be able to make it was because Skipper had gotten the night off and wanted to hang out with him. He, knowing I knew nothing about her, didn't think that I would be down with her coming to dinner. So he told her that the two of them would go out instead. Wait...WHAT?!?! This is when I was like who are you and what have you done with Tag? So you're blowing me off to hang out with Skipper, the girl you just told me likes you way more than you like her because you thought I wouldn't be down with her coming? WHO ARE YOU?!?!? After assuring him that there aren't too many people I don't like, I informed him that if it meant that he would come out with us, Skipper was more than welcome to join us. What was I thinking?
All of my friends know about Tag, so I tried to give them the heads up on Skipper. The look of awe on all of their faces was identical. "What girlfriend?" was the question of the moment. One of my friends leaned over and said, “You know, I try to avoid drama. But it just keeps poppin' up everywhere. "
In the words of Ferris Bueller, it was so choice. It was especially great when Tag2 showed up. Good times. And by good I mean, what the heck is going on here?!?!?! I guess it’s good that neither Tag knows that he's Tag...well Tag 2 might but it doesn't really matter because it's just not the same as Tag 1. Tag 2 is my buddy, my pal, my retarded friend. Tag 1 is that boy.
My friends are loud, raucous, and outlandish…I love them for it. We are in the back corner of the restaurant cracking up about everything from Brian McKnight's ability to over sing every ballad to the beauty of marital relations. (A couple of our friends just got married. They're both REALLY happy.) We are so loud in fact that the table behind us got reseated. But as much fun as I was having I have to admit that I was a little uncomfortable. Mostly because Tag and Skipper just looked so uncomfortable. He'd chime in every now and then but he wasn't the non-stop talker that I'm used to. I would find out later that he just wasn't comfortable being around all of my friends AND Skipper. He didn't feel like he could be himself with her. Sorry, quick question, why are you dating her if you just like her "okay"? Do you really think it’s cool to be with someone you can’t be yourself around?
As it was a school night people begin to make their exits around 10 or so. Tag and Skipper have long since bounced. So when my phone told me that Tag was calling I ASSUMED it was because he wanted to say he had fun and to wish me a happy birthday. You know what they say about assuming.
Yeah, he was on the way back to the restaurant. Apparently, he gave Skipper some excuse and dropped her off so that he could hang with me. Am I the only one that sees the problem? He shows up just as I'm filling the remainder of the people in on, "who was the girl with Tag?" Funny how we were all going to go to Verago but only he and I ended up there. EVERYBODY bailed.
Tag is Italian. So he can drink. So when he started in on his 4th dirty martini, I didn't think anything of it. That is until he started talking about our kids. "Our kids would be BEAUTIFUL. They would make all of the other kids jealous because they would be so hot. " And then there was, "I would live in California again. But only with you." (He knows I eventually want to live out west. Good boy for listening.) And let's not forget, "You know, you are soooooo beautiful." But my absolute (least) favourite was, "We get along sooo much better than she (Skipper) and I do. I really want her to break up with me." Hmmmm, I'm sure if she could hear you, that wouldn't be a problem.
But if she had any reservations, they'd all disappear if she could see the way you just kissed me on my forehead. Now ladies, I know that I am not the only one in this boat. You ever have a guy kiss you on the forehead in such a way that you just want to melt? It's not the innocent sweet kiss on the forehead like your father used to give you. It's the full, prolonged, lingering kiss on the forehead that's accompanied by the inhale of the scent of your Pantene for coloured girls hair care products and the, "mmmm" sound effect. I could have KILLED him.
Now I'm mad and hurt. I'm mad because he crossed the line on SO many levels. So basically you think that it's okay to mentally cheat on your girlfriend...with ME? I'm mad because he won't man up and break up with a girl that he clearly doesn't like all that much. Grow a couple, stop worrying about "hurting her feelings" and dump the chick. What do you think will hurt her more stringing her along until it gets so bad that she leaves or ripping the band-aid off now letting her know that you're just not that into her and letting her get on with her life? And I'm hurt because he thought I would be down for...well whatever. I'm sure that I could be reading more into the situation than there is but he was acting like Skipper didn't exist. That is not cool. Period. Because if he would do that to her, what makes me think that he wouldn't do that (or more) behind my back. I mean, look at Jude Law. (Who, by the way, is OFFICIALLY off the favourite Brit Boys list for cheating on Sienna Miller. He will be replaced by Jonny Lee Miller, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers or Cillian Murphy. Although I think the latter 2 are Irish. But whatever, Jude's off the list.)
By the time we head out I cannot WAIT to get home. But not before I tell him what I really think of him. I love him, but that sugar honey ice tea is not cool and I let him know as much. And because my feelings are hurt and because I thought it was the best thing to do, I told him that I didn't think we could hang for a while. The temper tantrum that ensued was about an 8 on the Richter scale. He was not having it. He thought I was being too rash. (You just told me that you wanted to be with me and not Skipper.) He told me that we should sleep on it. (You just laid the forehead kiss on me. And you KNOW how I feel about touch. More on that later.) And he assured me that this wouldn't change our friendship. OOOOOKAY......It's like that part in All Dogs Go to Heaven when Charlie winds his life clock to go back to earth... YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK!!!!
Try as I may, I just couldn't get him to understand why I needed my space. And he just wouldn't give it to me anyway. I guess when I said I'll call you when I get back from Atlanta, that didn't really register.
And because this post is already SOOOOOOOOOO long and I have to go home, I will pick this up at a later time.
This song by Bruce Hornsby and the Range is TIMELESS. I don’t think I could ever get tired of it.
There is something to be said about “the day after”. Thank God for those girlfriends that can help you get down to the nitty gritty of things. While Tia is good for that, most times we are going through the exact same things. I can come to her with something and she says,” Man, I got nothing for you. You see I am in the same boat. When you find out, you come and tell me.”
Jaymi, The Firecracker as I like to call her, is a girlfriend of mine from back home and tells it like it is REGARDLESS and you gotta love it. She could know you for 5 years or she could know you for 5 minutes, it makes no difference. Instead of verbally going through the weekends events, I IM’d her to read the blog and then we’d discuss it. Her response? “I don’t see the problem.”
Now grant it, I know I’m a spaz. I know I over analyze things and make mountains out of mole hills on a regular basis. And while there really is no “spoon”, I still felt like there was some sort of underlying issue that I was not dealing with and that was why I was in some sort of panic.
There is an issue. It’s an issue I have had for years now. It stems from something I don’t want to say is the story of my life because I simply don’t want my life to be marked by this. I have always been really cool with guys that seemed to like me and think that I am great. Somewhere down the line, because we just aren’t right for one another, they find somebody else. Oh, they still think I am great however. Some even swear that I hung the moon. However, I’m just not the one. Now I am perfectly aware that this is life. What bothers me the most, however, is that these guys move on and most of them have gotten married (or are about to get married, i.e. Guy A) while I am still over here not seeing anyone. Then to make matters worst, these same guys will turn around and ask me why I am not dating anyone.
I love my relationship with Tag. We have a great friendship that I know God has been working on since day one. I used to beat myself up for liking him just a little bit but there was no way that that could have not possibly happened so I have since let myself off the hook. It was inevitable. “How was I NOT going to like him, Tia?” I asked last night. “You’ve seen him!” “Look” Tia said,” I even like Tag and I don’t even know him like you do.” However, I know good and well that being the great guy that he is he will deservedly find the right girl. If history repeats itself, I will still be sitting here single. I pray that that won’t be the case this time.
So I brought this up to Jaymi and asked “How do I break this cycle that I am so sick of?” Her answer? “Get married.” Oh, is that it? If I would have known that, I would have done that a long time ago…NOT! I don’t even want to be married for at least another 2 years. Marriage is not the concern; being alone while everyone else is coupled off looking behind and asking “What happened to Toya” is.
I don’t know how I got here. I used to not care one way or the other. I will say this: There is peace in knowing that this was planned by God. There is no reason for us to have met up again after all this time. I used to think that this was a test but I now believe that this is a blessing and a lesson and for that I am grateful. I trust God and I know that things will be just fine.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
This Stone Temple Pilots song is the best song to drive crazy fast to down the highway with the windows down.
Me (calling Renee while weaving through Friday after work traffic): "Yeah, um, about tonight. I don't think I'll be going to that thing. Tia and I need to get the hell up out of Nashville."
Renee: "Dag, okay. Why?"
Me: "Got time for me to tell you? In a nutshell, I mean."
Renee: " Yeah, I got a bit."
After sharing with Renee our reasons for leaving town within the next hour, Ren, who rarely if ever utters the slightest cuss word says...
"That's your nutshell?! Yeah. You and Tia need to go get the hell up out of Nashville."
I'll let Tia tell her story but our decision to leave for Atlanta for the weekend came to us simultaneously while we were in two separate places, I at work and she at home, sleeping on her day off on her birthday. Within the past two weeks, I have spent a good amount of time with Tag. I am absolutely embarrassed by how happy he makes me. He had been suggesting that we should hang out more and I was extremely apprehensive because I had just started to be honest with myself about how I felt about him. One day at my office, I could not get his face out of my head. "This is nothing but the devil. I bind this in the name of Jesus. This makes no sense." Funny how some of us always try to overspiritualize things and/or try to make things so logical. I honestly felt the Lord saying "How are you FEELING? Not your head, but your heart. How do you feel?" "Well, I miss Tag. Oh my goodness!!!! Did I just say that? That makes no sense. That's wrong. But Lord it's true. I really miss him. I LIKE HIM." After praying about it some more, He helped me realize that while I missed Tag that was only a small part of it. What I really missed was companionship and after I admitted this, the anxiety was gone and I didn't think about him anymore. Well, not as much.
If I had Oprah type money, I would by the book "Captivating" by John and Shari Eldridge for every woman I saw (*If you have ever even remotely identified with anything we have said on this blog GET THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY!!!). I would keep them in the back of my car and hand them out on the street like Oprah "You get a book and you get a book and you get a book and you...". This book should be dubbed "Oh, So I'm Not Crazy." I have beat myself up so badly for wanting to be chosen. I have black eyes for all the all of the times I have condemned myself for secretly wanting so much to be loved and thought of as beautiful by that one special guy. This amazingly insightful book assures women that this is nothing to be ashamed of and is indeed a God placed desire and is a reflection of His personality as we are made in His image. While Tag is not that one special guy and I know that, he does think I am beautiful inside and out and is rather matter of fact about it. It's nice. I am embarrassed to say it but it's sweet. Dangitt, I like random text messages. I like being asked how my day is. I like catching him looking at me. We aren't mushy or anything and rarely touch outside of playfully shoving each other but I honestly just like sitting next to him sometimes, legs swinging saying nothing at all. To be with someone who thinks you are beautiful and wonderful shouldn't make you feel bad. What sucks is when it is not the person you want to feel that way about you and it is obvious that you can't and shouldn't be together.
One day we were having coffee and he says "Okay, I want you to be really honest with me." "Sure" I said. "You know you can ask me anything." "What did you think of me the first time you met me?" I laughed, sat straight up and told him the infamous Tag story: How I thought I was being punk'd. How it made no sense for this kid to try and talk to me and how annoyed I was that I actually liked it. "I remember going out that night not even dressed up. I think I had on a t-shirt and..." "I remember what what you had on", he interrupted." You had on a red t-shirt and some jeans. I saw you long before you saw me. Not that I was stalking you or anything. I remember, I thought you were so fly. I remember thinking 'she's cute' with your big smile." I suddenly began to sip on my straw of my iced coffee that had long been gone. I really wish that he didn't get to me this way.
We have been pretty open about everything short of saying "Hey, I like you." It's almost as if he purposely makes excuses though. "Even if we did catch feelings, I know I am immature." he explained. " I mean not in everything. I am pretty mature for my age in a lot of ways." I nodded. To me, he is DEAD on his age. Not immature or more mature for his age but dead on and he should be. So we've joked about it and I told him to holla at me in about five years. GOD, please don't let me still be single then.
Like I said, I had been pretty apprehensive about spending time with him until I talked to Des back in NY. Des is the person that we all call for the "Calm the Hell Down" speech because we seem to spaz out about the littlest things. "Look" she sternly said as she began her speech, "This is what you do: enjoy your friendship with him. There is nothing wrong with that. He makes you feel alive. He makes you happy. Hang out with him. He's going back to school soon anyway. He'll go back to school, you'll cry and it'll be okay." "Come on, I won't cry." I said. "Uh, yeah you will" she replied. "Yeah, I will." I admitted.
So under the pretense that I should spend time with my friend before he goes back to school, I intentionally spent more time with him. Then on Friday, when sitting at my desk, I suddenly remembered something he said the night before when I asked him when he was going back to school:
"I don't think I am going back to school."
I sat straight up at my desk and panicked. How did I miss that? He HAS to go back. Tag has always been a recurring character in my life. He can't be permanently here! "Okay, I am going to need him to go back to school" Tia said after I called her. "I mean, I will personally drive him back to school. He can't stay here." Tia just met Tag for the first time a few weeks back. At first, she clowned him. "I would like him if I was 14." Then she saw him for real and I had to check her with a "Jan Brady, JAN BRADY!!!!" Jan Brady is an expression we use for when one of us gets that starry gaze in our eyes and our head cocks sideways because we have just seen the most beautiful boy in the room. A few minutes later she pulls me and says "What the hell are you waiting on? What is wrong with you?" "Oh, he was cute for 14 year olds at first" I shot back"but now he's the man? Oh, I see."
The most frustrating thing to me is this: out of all the people I know in Nashville, this is the guy that digs me the most and he is who he is. That frustrates me to no end. I was at my desk thinking about this party we were supposed to go to that night and I said "There is no way that I can see the same people I see every week. I see the same people all the time, over and over and over. This town is too small. I know a lot of people but now they are starting to all be the same person:twenty-something, happy go lucky, kids. Grant it that is a big part of who I am (minus the twenty something part)but that's not all of who I am. No wonder I keep attracting these 'Tags' ! I don't know anyone. I have to get out of this place." I sincerely thought that if I spent one more day in Nashville, I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I thought about going away but really, where is AWAY in Nashville. I have been here almost five years and this is the first time that I ever felt claustrophobic.
I text messaged Tia and asked her what she was doing. "I'm packing. I am going to visit my dad in Atlanta. If I don't get out of Nashville, I am going to explode." ME TOO!!!!" I wrote back. I called her and pleaded with her to not leave without me. Turns out she needed to leave as much as I do for about the same reason. She waited until I got home, I packed in 20 minutes and in no time we were on the interstate.
We had a good time in Atlanta and I did a lot of thinking. As of right now, my heart is on yellow alert. Oh yes, we have adopted the Homeland Security System for how to guard your heart against going through the ringer over and over and over again. Yellow alert means I just need to be pro active in how I handle things. I can't treat him like I treat Ross and my other guy homies. This is a little bit more sensitive and to deny that out of my embarrassment of actually admitting it would only be setting myself up for another heartbreak...by a boy.*sigh*
Tia will be writing Part II shortly.
Friday, July 22, 2005
In all of the recent melee I almost forgot.....
We saw Duran Duran (pronounced Doo-ran Doo-ran if you're British).
Us being BGLUs we went from the 4th row to the FRONT ROW. That's how we do things. John Taylor stood about 3 feet from me. Curses to the metal divider that prevented me from dragging him down. John Talyor is still so...so...YUMMY. As is Simon. Good times. I did feel A LOT shafted because they didn't do The Reflex. Toya and I go see Poison every year. And they do hits. They may sing one of their new songs but it sounds like their old stuff. And they only do like 2 new songs. Otherwise, it's hits all night. Doo-ran X 2 on the other hand wanted to do new stuff. Stuff no one has heard nor do they care about. Anything beyond about '95 is pushing it. There were key hits missing. Blue Moon on Monday, The Reflex, and now that I think about it I don't remember them doing Is there Something I Should Know. Boooooo. As good as the show was and as fine as John Taylor is, I would be hard pressed to see them again unless the tickets were free. I had my heart set on hearing The Reflex.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
I actually appreciate hate mail. The thing about hate mail is that it usually causes Tia and I (after initially infuriating us) to reevaluate this site and make sure that it accurately reflects who we are. It helps to open discussion about what it is that we have been accused of: is it fact or is it opinion?
I write this in reference to two posts that we have received by someone named Lea (Look under Tia's "Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil" and my "Something to Believe In"). Read them for yourselves if you can stomach them. Tia will not read it and I'll have her explain her reasons. As for me, I don't want to respond directly to Lea but I would rather address those that faithfully read our site.
After calling us "black bitches" with "black nigger asses" she asked "why do you love white boys so much"? I've been wanting to address something for a while and this has definitely opened the door for what I have been longing to say: White boys are NOT "the prize". We have received emails with pictures of black girls asking "aren't I cute enough to date a white guy?" I have mentored teenage girls that have told me that they want to date white boys because they seem to be sweeter, more respectful, and you don't have to worry about them being on drugs or having bad tempers. That is so contrary to my experience. The brothas I crushed on back in the day, minus a few thugs, were some of the most respectful and respectable men you have ever met while quite a few of the white boys I crushed on were the druggies and would knock your ass clean out if they even THOUGHT you gave them a reason to.
White boys are not something to "attain". And for the record, Ross, Mr. Beautiful Surprise and Guy A are all black and hopefully some day, so will my husband be also. And if not, I am fine with that. But I won't think that I have achieved something monumental if I marry a white man. I don't seek them out and I don't think that I am "extra special" because a few of them happen to dig me.
There is so much more that I can respond to but I really don't need to. However, I received an email from KC and I think that his comment is a sufficient enough response. Read it below and you will see why:
Wow, Lea...that's some of the most ignorant stuff I think I have ever heard.I guess some people have really slow saturdays and need something fill their time. I truly hesitated to comment on your post, but...And please know that I am writing this hoping that your posts we're a joke...albeit an unfunny one.
I am a white man. I am PROUDLY married to a beautiful black woman. We havetwo gorgeous children. My family (mother and all) LOVE my wife dearly. My wife has a better relationship with MY mother than her own mother. My wife is not fat, she shaves her pits (unlike many, if not most European (WHITE)women), and she works out at least 4 times a week.
You got me on the hair thing, though...my wife has lovely, long locs. Funny thing, though, I know a TON of white girls without "NATURALLY" straight hair, so I don't know if that's even worth bringing up.
Lea, the world over, "white" people are not the majority and you would do well to read a book or go back to school or SOMETHING to get your mind off of whatever is causing you to write something so asinine as these posts.
I'm sure if white women, like yourself, are so glorious as you say, then don't worry about Tia and Toya and their pursuits...I'm sure all these whiteboys will come running to you. Of course, it could backfire and black women will start taking all the white men and white women be left to search elsewhere! Cause you know there's SUCH a shortage of white men in the US :D
I know Toya and Tia personally and when a white man (or any other man) takes either of them for a wife, he has found a GOOD thing and is greatly blessed!
I (tia) knew something was up when Toya called me and told me that we have hate mail. If it's the run of the mill hate mail she'll mention it in passing with the assurance that I will read it at my leisure. So when she called I knew this particular offal laden email was going to be a trip to say the least.
She filled me in on the high (low) points and told me that I had to read it when I got home. But then she said it was from a white girl. It was at that moment that I knew that I COULDN'T read it. Why you ask....? Remember a few posts ago Toya got some pictures from Guy A and she knew that she shouldn't have opened them but she did? Well it's kinda like that.
Back in the day I couldn't not STAND white girls. To me they were the epitome of the blue eyed devil. White boys I had no problem with. But white girls were the bane of my existence. They hated me so I in turn made their lives miserable. It was my business to make them suffer. Be it through dating their finest male representatives, blowing them out of the water in every sport imaginable or getting better grades than all of them combined. Whatever it took, I was there to make them miserable. It was wrong and I knew it. But I didn't care.
Fast forward a few years and a renewed heart and not only do I NOT live to torture white girls but one of the women who has made the most profound impact on my life is white. A few of my closet friends are white women and God has allowed me to see what it truly means to love beyond color. It sounds corny, I know. But I honestly didn't think it was possible until God FORCED me out of my hate. All that to say, from jump I had to make a conscious effort to not let the idiotic ramblings of one troglodyte give place to a hate that God has, thankfully, delivered me from. It was just easier to not read it and be at peace, than to get all pissy and let the imbecilic thoughts of one taint the work that God has done in me.
As far as the white boys go, I make NO apologies for liking them. I have spent the majority of my formative years defending the choices that I have made when it comes to dating and I REFUSE to do it any longer. I will kick it with the whomever has the guts to holla. The fact that as of recently it's been white boys is not of my own design. Trust Me. My current crush is Terrence Howard. (For those of you who are a bit slow TERRENCE is a BLACK MAN.) But make no mistake, I have no problem lettin' you know that I will date whom I want, when I want, where I want....Patna'
And just for the record LEA, I'm fine as hell. All the white boys say so.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
I had to stop lying to myself.
I realized that I still have a crush on Ben Covington. And now I can't figure out if I'm crushing on him or on the idea of him. He is one of the coveted at my church. If you could see him you would know why. He's beautiful and has a heart for the Lord. What single Christian girl in the city wouldn't want that? But I refuse to let myself be one of the NUMEROUS girls that likes him and feels that "the Lord" has called them to marry this one individual. I mean, ALL of y'all can't marry him. You know that right...?
And then the whole revelation got me to thinking what's worse:
- To like someone and have them like you back but then have the whole thing not work out OR to like someone but never have the feelings reciprocated
- To be really hot and have a lot of scuzzy guys always hit on you OR be really cute and have guys not want to talk to you right now because they want a girl like you later
- To have loved and lost OR to never have loved at all
And after all of that I watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind (which I am convinced is the longest, hardest to say movie title ever.) It got me to thinking all the more. If I could would I erase the bad memories of past relationship?
My initial response was HECK YEAH! I would love to wipe out a couple of people mentally if for no other reason than because I can't do it physically. But then I got to thinking about how all of the past relationships have helped shaped me into the person I am now. And for a split second the answer went from HECK YEAH to HELL YEAH! I spit in the general direction of the guy who belittled me for wanting to get married. I dance on the grave (he's not dead, just making a point) of the guy who totally used my affections for his own selfish gain and put everything else before me. And I throw flaming arrows at every guy who ever dumped me because they realized NO, really did mean NO.
Then one word came to me: Grace (I will write more about that later) Grace. Grace and more Grace. God gives a greater grace to the humble. Yeah, I've been burned before. But I can't let it make me bitter. And forgiving means extending a grace that is truly undeserved. I love how I love not only BECAUSE of past relationships, but IN SPITE OF them. I've had my heart broken but oddly enough it hasn't destroyed my faith in love and relationships. I'm still a hopeless romantic. So I guess have the answer to at least one of my questions. It's better to love and lose than not love at all.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
I knew that Tia was my girl when I heard this Tears for Fears song blaring from her room. Not everyone can appreciate this. I LOVE Tears for Fears.
Every once in a while, you need to take inventory of where you are in life. Are you growing? Is anything stunting your growth? Also, you have to take inventory of those that you choose to surround yourself with because they may either help or hinder your growth. Well that time has come and while taking inventory of my life as of late I have come to this conclusion: I need to grow up...and fast.
I am not saying that I can't be myself and skip in the parking lot when (I think) no one else is looking. Actually, I don't really care if they are. I don't mean that I need to purposely start looking older. But it has dawned on me that I have really started to to hate being 30 and the reason I do is because I don't know anyone my age. To make matters worst, my friends seem to be getting younger and younger. As of late, my newest friends seem to range between the ages of 22-24 and even a few 20 year olds have snuck through there.
Speaking of twenty somethings, I spent a good amount of time with Tag this past week. Something he said to me one night sparked the urgency to do a reality check. “Okay, I HAVE to ask you something”, Tag began. I know what I wanted him to ask, but I doubted sincerely if he was going to cause well, we live in an imperfect world and he is still 8 in my eyes. “Sure go ahead”, I said. “You’re an attractive girl”. “Thanks”. “Like we are in a place like this and well, I see you out a lot and well…where are the guys? I never see you with any guys. What’s up with that?” Out of the mouth of babes.
All of the sudden, I got really embarrassed. I mean, why is HE asking? Why would he bring that up? We were having such a pleasant evening. The last thing I needed was this beautiful, talented, sweet and way too young for me guy that I was with but not with asking me about the state of my singleness. “Well, Tag, your guess is as good as mine. Guys don’t really talk to me.” He found it hard to believe that I just don’t ever get any play. I never even told him that the last guy that ever tried to talk to me was him and that quickly ended after he found out how old I was.
When he asked me this, for a split second I looked at the both of us from the outside and thought "Why am I continuosly with guys like this? WHY????" Everyone is SOOO young. The guys I meet are disappointed that I am 30 and it makes me disappointed too and I should not feel that way. I shouldn't be wishing that I was younger so I could feel comfortable that I fit in. I need to get around an older range of people so I can at least see what being an adult really is supposed to look like.
On top of that, I am not serving enough and I know that I need to be involved in ministry more. Honestly, it seems really hard to get plugged into the church I am in and I wonder if I am staying there because God wants me there or because I love the people there. Am I even pleasing God by being there or has it become a social club for me and I can be used somewhere else? I have seen women in my church who are bitter. Single and bitter. They don't feel like they fit in but make church their entire lives but lack joy. I am not saying that if you don't have a man by a certain age, switch churches. I am saying that sometimes we can get too comfortable and in a rut when change is due.
I think my change is due. I am definitely in a rut. Part of me is too comfortable and another part of me wants to break free and be more influential. I need to check my motives on where I am be it location, job, church, etc. I have got to break my life down and be in constant discussion with God to make sure that I am exactly where He wants me to be.
Wednesday, July 6, 2005
Every year Tia and I go see Poison and every year Bret Michaels sings this and breaks my heart. I want to just run up there right when he talks about the sign that says Jesus Saves and tell him "He does save! He does! And He loves you so much! I mean, you are still here!" And so is Ce Ce Deville for that matter. If that does not show you that there is a God full of grace up there, I don't know what does.
I am still getting jacked up every time someone says "The Late, Great Luther Vandross". I still can't believe that he is dead. I think this is the equivalent of Marvin Gaye dying to my father. I remember when Marvin Gaye died, my dad looked at the tv screen and said "Huh" went into his room to iron our clothes and listened to Marvin Gaye all night long. He didn't say much but I knew it hurt. In reading up on some articles about Luther Vandross, I stumbled upon one that had this to say:
When Luther would lose any significant amount of weight, he felt sure he would attract love; when it didn't happen, he would go off his diet and gain the weight again beginning another cycle that would, in his own mind, take him further away from his quest for love. The hardest thing, Luther would often tell me, was standing in front of thousands of people who loved his music, working hard to bring his audiences the best show possible and then coming back to an empty hotel room where he could only find solace with food. I recall one particular conversation in which Luther asked me how I dealt with being single, a subject that would come up with some consistency when we spoke.
Here is a man, to me, the greatest balladeer of our time who night after night had to convince others that he believed in the love he sang about. I wonder if he ever just stopped believing in it for himself or tried to force himself to as I had for the past few days. I have realized that for me to stop believing in love goes against the very fabric of which I was made. I am a hopeless romantic. Not an unreasonable one or an illogical one but rather hopeless in being nothing less than a romantic.
I have resolved a few things within the past 24 hours. One, the consequences of defeating yourself by trying to forever convince yourself into believing that you are better off alone, long outweigh the consequences of having to deal with temporary heart break. It is just that, temporary. I have no idea when this will stop hurting but it will eventually stop hurting, be it here on earth or in eternity. I can let it run its course now or I can later be that woman that is left with nothing but cats and cable along with her daily newspaper as her only connection to the outside world.
Two, I now understand what happened with Ross. I finally broke down and watched Sex and the City with a few of my bestest girlfriends. One of my girls back home told me that I am a "Carrie" and I wanted to know exactly what that meant. In some ways, I do see a resemblance in personality. In the middle of me watching it, I remembered something that Ross and I talked about concerning the show and I text messaged him. While texting back and forth and giggling at what he said I stared at my phone teary eyed. "I get it now" I thought. "This was never about me wanting to be with Ross. This was about the idea of me being with someone romantically the way I am with Ross." That is what I fell for. That is why it all of the sudden seemed like a good idea. We can't give our hearts away to a good idea. I would love to have a guy that I can text message about Sex and the City or The Notebook or John Mayer and so on and so on. And I do, as a friend and only as a friend and I must accept that and be honest about what it is that I really want. Right now, it's not him and it's not him mainly because...
Thirdly and most importantly, he has not chosen me. I don't know who Nedbone is but had I heard his/her explanation about why I went through this 3 day crying marathon on the first day, I could have saved myself 18 bucks by not having to buy that book. Nedbone writes:
I understand how you feel. Stop beating yourself up. This is not about one particular person. Your pain emanates from the fact that you want to be chosen by someone. It's simple. Others choose and have been chosen. Ideally, we choose each other for mutual pleasure and growth and enlightenment in our respective journeys through this life. You want to be chosen. You simply want someone (whom you also choose) to choose YOU. That is completely natural.
This cut straight to the core of how I am feeling and why I have been so hurt for so long. I read this and sat up in front of my computer going "Oh my goodness. Who is this, the Dalai Llama? That's it! That is EXACTLY it." So, thank you Nedbone. Whoever you are.
Tia and I have often wondered why the guys we know that are married, married their wives. Not that anything is wrong with their wives but we wonder what made them choose them and forsake all others. Why were the women chosen to spend their forever with. When I looked at those pictures of Guy A and his fiance', they screamed "He chose someone else to be with forever. He has chosen the one that he would die for, he will protect and will solely adore for the rest of his life. He has chosen one person and that person is not you and never will be." Being rejected and not being chosen are two separate things. A lot of us think that we are aching to just be accepted. I truly believe that every single woman desires much more than just acceptance; they desire to be chosen.
I feel like I now have the answer to the most important of all my questions which was "What is this hurting?" only to be followed by "How long is this going to hurt?" The one thing I don't have the answer to is what I exactly was it that happened with Mr. Beautiful Surprise. WHAT WAS THAT!!?!?! That angina like feeling that I had for days? The peace that I felt when I thought of him and totally gave it up to God? The joy I felt of completely loving him faults and all,unrequitedd or not? I will say that this reminds me of a time when I stopped seeing someone that I really truly loved. I didn't call it off because I didn't love him because I was crazy about him. I called it off because I knew that he wasn't good for me. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do because I saw something in him that was so great. It wasn't enough for me to want that for him though. He had to want it for himself and we struggled because he knew I would accept nothing less. So now with at least 3 babies and 2 baby's mamas last I heard, he is still running from being the man that he is supposed to be. Thank God that I listened to my head over my heart.
I realize now that my wanting to build a wall around my heart was a gross misinterpretation of the scripture that says "And above all else, guard your heart". That doesn't mean to not love. It just means to love wisely. It's not beyond our control as much as we think it is. I say that now. I am still a rookie at this.
Monday, July 4, 2005
Dear God, It's me Tia
I sometimes make the most inane requests of God. I wonder if he sits in heaven and gently LAUGHS at his child and all of her foolishness.
The most recent request went something like this:
God, I really don't need anymore guy friends. I'm pretty much all full up here. Yes, Tag and I had our moment but now we are permanently placed in the friend zone. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. I like it that way. But I'm going to need for him to the be the last of the guy friends. It's too hard to have them around. They're so cute and cuddly and smell nice and did I mention cute? You know how I feel about the XY individuals. And you know how much I want one of my very own (preferably the British model circa 1976 or so) But frankly, I don't need anymore of them around. So if you would please, make me invisible. Make them unaware of who I am. Let them look through me, until a later time..heretowith...or whatever.
I'm glad I'm not God because my response to me would be: RAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
I think God knows that I'm going to be in situations that require me to meet newer and more fascinating boys. Each one shinier and more glitterier (is that a word?) than the last. And he knows that I will once again be forced to not only lay down my will before him (him being God) but I will also be forced to take a good, long, hard look at who I am, what I like, what I'm capable of and what steps I need to take to keep myself from running amuck in the emotions department.
Enter Tag #2 or T2 for short
T2 is a cute little musician that I had the pleasure of getting acquainted with last night at the annual 4th of July party at Lew's. He is quite the musician (plays guitar like no ones business) and overall has a great heart. And did I mention that he is not old enough to drink yet? (Aside: What the heck is going on? Although there is no kind of anything b/w me and T2, he falls into the "where are they all coming from?" category. I am thoroughly convinced that there is a factory somewhere, maybe in Idaho, that is cranking out under 23 boys to run amuck through the streets of Nashville. And apparently at the end of the assembly line there is a picture of Toya and I with the tag line, "These women will be your sponsors. Find them, befriend them. They will feed you, love you and play in your hair." But seriously, all 3 of the Tags, Ross and Ben Convington (see the archives from last fall. November, I think) are all 23 or younger. ) Anyway, after spending yesterday evening, the early part of the morning and part of today with T2 it dawned on me that I have yet another guy friend. Immediately, I begin to whine.
GOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDD, why do I keep meeting these great guys that I can't have/don't want/don't need?
The simple answer was: Because....PROFOUND, huh?
It is delusional on my part to think that I won't meet anymore guys EVER until The Guy comes along. (who incidentally will be the ultimate Guy Friend and with privileges no less) To think that is to imply that every guy from here out is The Guy. And that my friend is DAN-GER-OUS. It's setting myself up for heartache, ruined friendships and awkward future run-ins.
But I can't lie. Sometimes this mess it hard. Like when one of them calls you to tell you that he misses you and can't wait to get back to see you. Or when one of them is "nice" enough to tell you that the accidental touch of your skin was "amazingly soft." Or when you reach over to open the lock after he's let you in the car and looks at your and smiles that smile that you love. It is in those moments that the battle begins. A fight to keep your thoughts, heart and emotions intact. A struggle to continue to honor him and yourself in every way, even down to the miniscule passing thought. MAN it's hard. And I am only human. And a female version at that. It is only by God's grace that I am able to remotely maintain pure thoughts and a pure life when one of them begins to do whatever it is that he is so good at doing that made me love him in the first place.
So God, if you're reading, seriously, I'm full up here. No more please. No mas. Or if you must, give me the strength to love them as I should so that I can face myself and love ME in the morning.
This is a song by Bryan Adams and Tina Turner. Bryan Adams greatest hits collection is AMAZING. I mean, I don't have it, but it's rather good.
Let me preface this by saying that I am sure that I how I feel and what I am about to say right now is not right or logical. I am not looking for advice or encouragement. So far no one really has had anything to say about how I have been feeling these past couple of days. Tia has tried but I darn near hung up on her because I just didn't want to hear it. I have been so adamant, so steadfast in my recent declaration that I think I have convinced almost everyone that there is no changing my mind this time. And by almost, I mean not even I am fully convinced.
Basically, I have spent the past 3 days trying to make myself believe that every preconceived notion I have had about love and romance has been so inflated by television and Hollywood that it just simply does not exist. That the very thing that I have always secretly wanted while hiding underneath my facade of "I"m alright. That's cool for the next girl" is about as attainable as coming face to face with Santa Clause. I am not saying that love or falling in love is not real. I am just saying that I don't think it's worth the cost TO ME and for me alone.
I am not saying that I fully believe that. It's just that right now, I have no choice not to.
And since that is a work in progress, I will deal with what the facts are at this present moment. At this moment, I am on Day 3 of crying uncontrollably for no good reason whatsoever. Why? Because like an idiot, I opened up an email that I received from Guy A's fiance' announcing their wedding with a link to their engagement pictures. I stumbled upon this email that was in my Junk file a few hours before a friend's wedding. At first glance I thought, "Wow. They really do look alike." Then I proceeded to read everything:How he proposed, their favorite song, etc. The logical question to ask is "Why would you do that to yourself?" I honestly, 100% believed that I was completely over this. Not so much over it that I would DJ the reception (I still can't believe he asked me to do that) but over it enough that this would not send me into a weekend of unexplainable weeping. I called my mom and as soon as she picked up I started bawling. I have never been so confused and so untrusting of myself in my life. I feel like a time bomb.
My mind says "This is not your forever guy. You would have to completely change who you are to be with a person like him. You know better. That was not God's best for you. Be happy. He is not even CLOSE to being the right one for you and he's a cornball." My heart tells a completely different story. If there were no physical manifestations of the pain that I am in, I would be walking around confident that I am completely over this. I had myself fooled and am really uncomfortable with the fact that I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.
I interrupted my mom immediately when she went into the whole "...and when the right one comes along, you will be happy" spiel. I quickly let her know that none of this is about The One. I don't give a flip about The One. This is about my sanity. This is about my self control. This is about why this has hurt me for almost a year, unbeknownst to myself and how do I keep this from happening again.
And when I couldn't get an answer as to why this still hurts, I started searching for answers to what do I do now. I couldn't go to my friends' wedding that day because you can't put on your makeup if you can't stop crying. Also, the last thing I wanted to be around was romance and the slight chance that Guy A and his fiance' could show up to this wedding just like they showed up to the last one I went to. Tia came in my room before she left for the wedding and asked "So are you not going to the wedding?" "No" I mumbled. "Tell everyone that I am sick." "Are you upset about Ross", she said. "WHO?! NO!!! This is about Guy A!" But then again, how would she know? My heart has leaped into the arms of so many different guys since Guy A that no one can keep track. Hell, I can't keep track either.
I cried myself to sleep and woke up with a plan. "Somebody has written a book about this I am sure. I need to get this machine rolling." I left the house sniffling with a plan to come back with some sort of how-to -rebuild-the-wall-around-your heart-manual. I went to Borders bookstore and found one book which was ironically written by this woman who has written about 12 books on how to be single and satisfied. I hate to say this but everytime I see that she has a new book, I flip to see if she has gotten married yet. She's gorgeous, driven and almost 40. But today, it didn't matter if she was married or not because I was not trying to find a book on how to get married in a year or less. Today, I was trying to find out how I can think like her: if it (everlasting love) happens, it happens. If it doesn't, that's cool too. I've made it this long without it, it won't kill me if it doesn't happen for me.
Saying that is easy, believing that on the first day is hard. So I got my book, managed to dodge the one person I knew there in fear that I would start crying again right in front of them and made my way to the counter. Tears were welling up in my eyes as I wrote out the check. I don't doubt that the person behind the counter could tell that I came in at 10:30 pm on a Saturday night to buy that book in a state of emergency.
As I read through the book crying, it explained to the T the type of pain I have been feeling due to rejection and unmet expectations. But to my dismay, when it talked about how to get through it, it said a lot of what I am just not ready to accept. Sure when it talked about how it is okay to be angry, I was all for it. When it got to the "hope again, love again" part, I threw the book to the side and said "That's crap." Slowly I felt the knobs on the faucet in my heart turn tighter and tighter cutting off any feeling of hope and desire completely off whilst becoming stone cold and eventually numb.
I woke up crying the next day and decided not to go to church. I just did not trust myself to not start crying because I honestly don't know when it will happen. For instance, I was watching the video for Mariah's "We Belong Together". That song doesn't affect me and actually most love songs don't at this point because I don't feel any kind of way about any particular person. But when she started crying in the video, I started crying. Pain recognizes pain.
Today wasn't so bad. I went to Ross' house and they convinced me to watch The Notebook. This was my first test to see if I could stick to what I have been trying so hard to convince myself to believe. First of all, something is working because I have no more romantic feelings for Ross than I do for my own brother anymore. I noticed that the day after I made up my mind to protect my heart at all cost. I see him completely differently now. As we sat in the dark, I fought back tears during the parts where Noah pursued Allie in a way that I used to think was just the natural order of things. "This is just Hollywood." I kept telling myself "Men don't do this. People don't fall in love this way. Don't you dare believe it. You've got to let this go."
I know that eventually there has got to be a balance. I always thought that I was logical in how I saw love. I truly believed that it was worth the hurt, the embarrassment, and the shame of it all if the end result was that you got more than what you ever thought you wanted, even if the expectations of what you wanted seemed to be a bit higher than what most people reach for. All I am trying to do at this point is stop the hurt. That is more important to me than hoping for something that really has never been promised to me.