Monday, June 20, 2005

Party All the Time- Toya

I'm no hater but I really don't know what possessed Eddie Murphy to make as many records as he did. This is truly a horrible song. And yet, I know all of the words. Isn't that always the way it goes?

Someone sent me this picture of Tia and I at this party earlier this week and the expression on my face is dead on what I have been feeling like all week: it says "I really don't know why I am out this late. Please help me." I feel like I have been non-stop all week and haven't had a chance to sort out my feelings about anything. It's almost like I have been purposely avoiding all sorts of issues: school, moving, my feelings for Ross and Mr. Beautiful Surprise, and my career. It's like whenever I go to sit down I decide to go out and kick it. On this particular evening, I went out at 10: 30 after working BOTH jobs, 8:30-5 and then 6-9. I stayed out until 2:30 am.! This was all after I said that I needed to go stay home and read. But noooo, I want to be a socialite. *Sigh*

I fully intended to stay home last night because I knew my junk was out of wack. Extroverts have this problem I think. We want to be around people all the time and get our energy from them but once alone we are forced to deal with what is really going on. Then, that gets crazy uncomfortable, we pick up our cell phones and see what's up for the night. I can't do this anymore. So last night I regrouped and poured my heart out to God. Then, something really sad and serious happened with Ross and I didn't want him to be by himself so we spent some time together. If I hadn't regrouped and spent some time with the Lord, that could have been a disaster for me. I don't know too many women that aren't moved by a real man's tears. I remember praying this before I went over there. "God, I am not going over here to fall in love. I am going to be a true friend and a servant. Help me to put you first, to be a good listener and to guard my heart in every single way." It was a sad but successful evening. I am still left asking myself if it is even remotely possible to want to be just friends with someone who is so very close to the person that you have always wanted to be with. If it is not possible, I should have seen this coming a long time ago.

I am learning patience right now and I hate it. Faith and patience go hand in hand. I am pleased and at the same time frustrated that God makes things impossible for me to get to at times. I mean no loopholes, no nothing. He knows His child. He knows my limits. So we are having our BBQ in about an hour and it looks like all the players will be absent. The Tags can't make it, Ross can't make it, Mr. Beautiful Surprise is out of town, and Guy A, please, we just don't invite him to anything anymore. This has got to be my last party for a while, I swear.

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