Thursday, June 30, 2005

Social Disconnects, Gray’s Papaya and Boys who Cry

So Tuesday night I come home to find a T-Mobile Sidekick 2 in the box sitting on the kitchen counter. A friend of mine who had been saying for weeks that he hated his sidekick and wanted to get a blackberry, left the device at my house because, “You like it more than I do.” He’d been saying that he was going to give it to me but I honestly thought he was kidding. So you can imagine the level of flabbergastation when I walked in the house and found it sitting there. I immediately drove to his house (He lives 30 seconds from me. I could have walked…but it’s hot and muggy here.) with every intention of giving it back. Of course he wasn’t home. He called me not too much later and I told him I was giving it back. He asked why and I told him that I couldn’t take a gift like that. He told me it was just that…A gift. I didn’t have to earn it. I didn’t have to pay him back for it. He just knew that I liked it and wanted to bless me with it. (The whole situation gave me a little insight on my values system and how I still feel at times that I have to earn my salvation, the ultimate gift. But that’s another story for another time.)

I finally gave in and just accepted the fact that there are people who are generous and loving and do have the inclination to just bless people without regard to personal benefit. Man, I wish I were more like that. I also wish this dang phone wasn’t so complicated. I have been reading the manual for 2 days and the only thing that I know how to do is make calls (barely), text message (again barely) and surf the web (got that one down pat.)

Social Disconnect
I’ve seen it a lot recently. But I didn’t think too much of it. However, while I was in NYC last week, I was again reminded. People don’t connect anymore. There is a huge social disconnect occurring in our society and I don’t think anyone else notices or cares. We now have a bazillion times the amount of technology that our grandparents had. We are plugged in, wired up, online, multi-connected and tuned out. If we so desire we almost never have to interact with a human soul. We can order groceries online, rent movies from the internet, download songs from ITunes, obtain entire books without ever setting foot in a library or bookstore. And it’s all in the name of convenience. While I was on the subway in NY, I noticed that every 3rd person had an IPod. It made me realize that we are at a point in society in which we don’t even have to acknowledge another human so if we so desire.

I’m not pointing fingers. I’m part of the masses. My birthday is in 22 days (If you need an address to ship presents to, drop me a line) I will be getting an IPod, be it because my dad buys me one or because I carry my tail to the Apple store and get one myself. I’m a music junkie and it will be nice to not have to carry around all of the cds I think that I might want to listen to every time I get on an airplane. And now with the sidekick I have access to the web anytime, anyplace, regardless of how bad an airport’s wireless network is. I will become a member of the nameless, faceless masses known as humanity. And I gotta say, it scares me.

What happened to making connections with people? Didn’t we used to be outgoing? Wasn’t there a time when stranger didn’t equal danger. Remember when you used to not only know your neighbor but your parents trusted you to go over to their house if something happened and the parentals were unexpectedly called away. Now, I could pass my neighbor (the one on the left) on the sidewalk and never even know it. I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup.

Maybe I’m just old-fashioned. But for the most part, I like people. I like friends. I like gatherings. I’m not ashamed to smile at a stranger, play with a child I don’t know, say hello and/or thanks to the person holding the door for me. I like big hugs from my linebacker guy friends. I like linking arms with my girl friends as we giggle about some cute xy-chromosome individual who’s just walked by. Maybe I’m just a southern girl to my core. But I really do miss the interaction. And I’m scared of what we’re on the road to becoming. Somebody hold me…

Food, Food, and more Food
As you know I was in NYC for 5 days last week. Goooood times. Greeeeaaaat eating. My justification was that I was walking everywhere, at least 5 miles a day. So it really was okay that I was eating enough for two. Okay no it wasn’t but I didn’t care. I ate sooo much stuff. The following is a VERY short list of places to eat if you’re in New York.

Gray’s Papaya
-Best Hot Dogs I’ve EVER had. I’m not a small chick but 4 hot dogs…really? So unnecessary.

Remember that episode of Making the Band when Puffy made The Band walk to Brooklyn to get him some cheesecake? At the time I thought he was a narcissistic dictator. Now…not so much. Oh my holy cow…that cheesecake was without question THE BEST I’VE EVER HAD!!!!! I’m talking reach out and kiss the waiter good. Make you do the hallelujah dance good. Would walk across the Brooklyn Bridge 10 times good. I’m trying to figure out how I can get one shipped to Nashville. That in itself is a shame.

Pizza Joint
I didn’t give a name because I went to like 3 different pizza places, you know the standard run of the mill, hole in the wall spots, and got some of the best slices that I have had. Maybe it’s a New York thing, I don’t know.

So basically, after blowing a whole bunch of money on clothes that were a size smaller than usual (yea, for the size 12 halter dress from H&M) I’m now back in the ‘ville, eating nuts and oats and such so that I can stave off the extra LBs that I acquired post shopping/eating. But it was soooooooo very worth it. I might even name my son Junior. Yes, it was that good.

Sometimes life is sad
Tag’s grandfather died unexpectedly on Tuesday. He is a mess. I have never done well when boys cry. Maybe it’s because I’m a crier and I know too well how it feels. And maybe it’s because I’m so unaccustomed to guys crying that if I see one in that state I know that something powerfully moving/painful has happened. Whatever, the case I feel down right ill when guys close to me cry.

He is so sad and I just want to be there for him. I just want to give him a hug and tell him that it’s all gonna be okay. What is that? Why do we do that? What is it about women that we innately want to stop the pain, even going so far as to take the pain on ourselves? To hold, to nurture, to comfort, to heal, it’s our roll (and to the feminists: save it!) and it is sometimes painful, exhausting and thankless. But we do it anyway. I guess because we have to.

Anyway, if you think of him, pray for Tag. God will know who you’re talking about.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Moves and rumours of moves
by tia

So the superhero, Renee, moved out last week. It didn’t even seem real. Some of her friends came over to help her move her stuff out. Toya didn’t move from the couch and I stayed sprawled on the floor pillows as she hauled her things down the steps. It was only later that we realized that we weren’t helping, not because we are lazy good-for-nothing louses, but because it all didn’t seem real. In our minds she wasn’t going anywhere. The whole situation was rather surreal. And I know she only lives down the street, but for some reason it still doesn’t feel right. It’s like I broke up with someone.

I do not even want to think about what’s going to happen when Toya moves out. If Renee leaving was like a break-up, then Toya leaving is going to be like a divorce. A very messy divorce. A War of the Roses divorce. Just ugly and painful. Necessary, but still painful.

I know that some of y’all are wondering, “If y’all are that close, why are you splitting up?” The thing is…we have to. Our lives have begun to go in completely different directions. I think in some ways, we’ve become so dependant on each other that we don’t have any more room for growth as individuals if we stay in the same place. Renee’s music is taking off. Toya is her dj and will probably starting school in the fall. And I’m moving out of state. (More on that later.)

I think in the beginning we’d all said that the only way that one of us was moving out is if someone was getting married. Almost 4 years later, we’re different people, with different goals and different callings. And although the marriage pact was a good idea in theory, it wasn’t the plan that God has for us now.

I cannot front like I’m not all kinds of sad. But I know that it’s time to bounce. I have to take a step of faith and leap. And danggit I’m scared. But I know that God is going to catch me. So, for those of you who have asked, pending job approval I will be moving to NYC sometime at the end of the year. I mean, where else is a supermodel in training supposed to go BUT the fashion capital of the world. My job has an office in Manhattan and I know a lot of really cool people who moved up there to be a part of our sister church that was planted after 9/11. I have a big dream for myself and an even bigger vision of what God wants to do in the area of fashion. And I know that I can only do so much here in Nashville. So as soon as I can get the transfer approval and find an apartment, I’m out like kulaks.

I will do my best to keep y’all posted on the progress. I will not be as my friend Lisa said, the girl who cried move. If it ain’t gonna happen, y’all will be the first to know.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Wordz of Wisdom-Toya
Wordz of Wisdom was a song off of 3rd Bass'' classic The Cactus Album. I swore I was going to marry MC Serch, a thick white boy with a high top fade that could dance. I mean, I really did not see how that was NOT going to happen. Man I miss Yo! MTV Raps!

My mother, hands down, is the wisest woman I know. She gives the best advice ever. I have often recycled the advice given to me by mom to other women and they come off thinking that I am just so wise. She's the greatest.

I recently sent a picture of Ross and me to my mother and this is what she had to say. I wanted to share this because I don't know too many single women that don't need to hear this right now.

I can see why you are attracted to him. Again, you say he is not interested in you "that way" so my recommendation is that you continue to guard your heart to protect it from hurt and disappointment. Do not fall for him, unless he falls for you. I am always concerned because of the age difference. Not that it is a bad thing, but as with (Guy A), he may not be mature enough to handle the difference and sees you as a dear friend and godly sister. If that is not the case, he will make his feelings known to you if God has chosen him as "the One".

As I told you that your heart may be open and receptive to these crushes to prepare you for the love of your life, only God knows who he is at this point. However, the problem with an open heart is that sometimes we can get hurt by others we let inside hearts and it gets easily broken. However, remember God can heal the brokenhearted and as the pains of childbirth are so difficult to bear, the joy outweighs the pain.

My hearts aches for you as you wait on God for your knight in shining armor. And I don't want you to hurt because he doesn't love you. It is not rejection that he's feeling for you, it's that you are not for him. And if he should find someone for himself like (Guy A) did, you don't want be grieved or hurt. You'll be happy for him. Don't let him play those heart and mind games as (Guy A) did with you. Remember, God loves you so much more and He will not put any more on you than you can bear. TRUST GOD WITH YOUR HEART AND YOUR HUSBAND! Wait patiently on Him and He will give you the desires of your heart, Wait I say on the LORD!

KNOW THAT I AM PRAYING FOR YOU. And I am asking God to hurry up! LOL. He has someone so fantastic for you it will blow your mind! We must wait on His Best. My prayer is that you be patient. I can't tell your heart not to hope, but if you can tell your heart "do not put your eggs in this basket (Ross)." I wish it was him and we did not have to look for another. I'm not a good "waiter" either. So I know how difficult it is to do.

Be a good friend to him and the others. Because you all have become a very close knit little family, that just what it is for now and may always be. HOPE IN GOD ONLY AND HE WILL ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS.


The only tricky part is the "don't fall for him unless he falls for you". I wish things were that easy. He's been away for quite some time since I last saw him so I have had the time and space apart from him that I needed to think more clearly. Whatever happens, happens is where I am right now. I am not overanxious and I really do believe that this could just be a phase. If he knows how I feel, then fine. At this point, NOTHING could be more embarrassing than what happened with Guy A so bring it on. I've been through my share at this point and have nothing to hide.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

More To This Life- Toya
This is a timeless song by Steven Curtis Chapman that Tia and I have loved forever. An oldie but a goodie.

Nothing brings your life into perspective quite like death. When someone passes away, the little things that trouble you such as your career or what guy you're in love with this week, seem so stupid and pointless. I am bringing this up because we just got back from a benefit show that we did at a club for a friend of ours who is mourning the loss of his best friend and business partner, Nathan. Nathan, who was only a year older than me, drowned a few weeks ago in Mexico. I remember being in shock because I just saw him a few days prior to his death. He was so beautiful; dark skinned, dreadlocks, bright smile. I remember seeing him at one of our shows and thinking "DO NOT go over there and talk to him. Don't even try it." Sad to say, I don't regret us not actually meeting. From what I understand, he was very special and a sweet human being. It's tough enough for me just dealing with the fact that I just saw him a few weeks back for the first time never knowing that it would be for the last time.

We played in a lounge/bar type joint, the kind of place that I never imagined playing in a million years. If you have ever heard Renee's music, it obviously talks about Jesus. But people, all kinds of people, really dig it. We arrive and there are quite a few drunk people there and some girls dancing on each other right in front of the stage. The group right before us was cussin' and had a song about how much they love to get high. Then we, two 5'2 black girls, one with punk rock hair and the other one (me) looking all militant with a camouflage skirt and a t-shirt that says "Soul Sista" get on the stage with our happy, go lucky Christian music. This was no where near our best show. I couldn't even hear myself through my headphones and wound up taking them off and throwing them under the table. Even though my attitude was jacked up when I got there late and I wasn't expecting to be there longer than 45 minutes, God did something amazing because suddenly, the vibe changed. Suddenly, people stopped what they were doing and started watching us.

We get off of the stage and someone takes Renee to the back to talk to her about more shows. I walk through the crowd and people are stopping me saying "Thank you". It was so odd. I didn't quite understand until we went in the back and a lady stopped us and told us that she was one of Nathan's best friends. She told us that she went to his funeral and found no closure but when she came and saw us, something spiritual happened and she found her closure. She thanked us repeatedly as she fought back her tears. She told us stories about Nathan and about what kind of person he was and how he would have loved to see us. NEVER have I been so humbled, felt so small and felt so incredibly unworthy to be used by God in my entire life.

I thanked her for sharing with us and choked back my own tears. We place so much value on little things. My priorities immediately shifted as I walked back to my car. Renee and I talked about the future and here on out, I believe that things are really going to change in me. The things that I sweat will not matter in eternity but I can purposely aim to achieve things that will positively affect others' place in eternity. When I walked around the lounge I saw so many people hurting and not because they have lost their friend but because they themselves are lost . This has definitely affected the way I choose to live my life.

As much of a struggle as it is, I have to set my mind on heavenly things. I have to go with what I know God told me last, even though it doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense! How did I get here? The first person I called when after this all happened was our friend Damien Horne. Damien is known as Mista D but he is also affectionately known as The Minister among his Muzik Mafia friends. So I called him at about a quarter to 12, pouring my heart out about how hard this is to see people like this and how hard it is to accept this responsibility. I knew that through all my rambling he would understand and he did. He deals with it every week. I have always prayed for him but now that I got a little taste of what he goes through, I will definitely step it up a notch.

This has also changed the way I feel about what kind of person that I want to walk this out with for the rest of my life. Let's just put it this way: Ross is cool and so is everybody else that has randomly (but not so randomly) walked into my life for a reason. Looking back , I am understanding what God is trying to show me and if it is what I think it is, WOW. We'll see.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

BGLU ALERT!!!!!!!!

Countdown to Armageddon...

TOM CRUISE IS ON BET's 106 and PARK!!!!!!

I don't believe it. I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!!! They just brought out Katie Holmes! Tia and I are in utter and complete shock. They have been saying that Tom has recently lost his mind and I could have cared less but NOW!? Who booked this!!!!???
Party Ain’t A Party - tia

You know it’s not a party until the cops show up and BGLU parties are no exceptions. I think that it’s safe to say you have gone too far when the cops come to tell you that they have had 3 complaints about the noise and the parking, which, by the way, is HEINOUS at our house. But the cop was nice, he only wrote one ticket, and was nice enough to knock it down to a parking violation ($10) rather than a fire lane violation ($50+). So it was all good. Once we got the cars moved we cranked the music back up and kept the party going.

Much to our dismay, neither of the Tags showed up. I’m not sure where Toya’s was and mine had to close at the restaurant where he works. After working for 8 straight on his feet and then having to close I could see why he was too whooped to come. We are having another bbq soon, as a lot of the guys we know couldn’t make it. Hopefully, the Tags will be able to make an appearance at the next function.

I have to say that I LOVE running the grill. I think I may be worse than some guys. Don’t come near my grill, unless it’s to pick up the food that I just finished cooking. I have red meat down to a science, but I need to work on my chicken. Salmonella is the ultimate party foul. And I must admit, I looked mighty cute in my apron. The caption on the photo could have read, “When Supermodels Run the Grill.”

Speaking of party fouls, with a gathering of that many people, something is bound to happen. For instance, when Courtney leaned on the light switch and accidentally turned off the light in the middle of the dominoes game. Party Foul. Or when someone bumped the turntables in the middle of “the jam.” Party Foul. Stuff happens, it’s unavoidable. But of course there is the unforgivable party foul that happens and someone is inevitably barred for life. So listed below are the people who are not invited back…and why

1. KC


It’s probably our fault. Toy and I were talking CASH MONEY TRASH earlier in the evening. Since we have been dominoes partners we have only lost ONE game. And the loss didn’t really matter because we ended up winning overall. And we definitely don’t lose on home territory. That is until Derrick and KC paired up and whooped the FOOL out of us. And in our own home, no less. I mean, it was painful. I swear KC was cheating. His own daughter told me to watch him. Now granted she is only 4, but children will tell your business, so I believe her. But there is no way he should have been able to score on EVERY hand. I was just waiting for him to yell, “DOMINOE MF!!!!” and bust the table. But KC doesn’t roll all like that. He’s not the kind to drop a F-bomb. But that night he would have been well within his right to do so.

The crescendo, if you will, came when Toya and I were forced to autograph the score page and post it on the fridge. It was sort a tribute to the butt-whoppin’ we took at our own dinner table. And it was all at the hands of a white man. We can’t have nothin’no more. First Bo Derek with the cornrows and now this.

I was about 2 seconds off of revoking KC’s invitation permanently. His only saving grace is his family. His “make me what to be a better sistah” wife (y’all she is down like 4 flat tires. I’m talking dreadlocks, natural foods, and the little pouch shoulder sling thing-y to hold the kids in. I swear she could have been a Panther back in the day), his adorable little girl who was so down to color with me, and his son that is too cute for words are the only things that keep me from tellin’ that fool to never, everEverEVER come by here.

And you know what…I want a re-match. I know you’re reading this KC. We’re going to do that mess again, when Toya is not tired and when I haven’t been standing in front of an open flame for the last 4 hours. I’m not making excuses, I’m just saying. That mess doesn’t happen again. Oh, and ask your wife what happened to the salsa. It was such a “wah-waaah” moment when I went to get some the next day and found it was gone.

And I still don't like you KC....

Monday, June 20, 2005

We Will Miss Ron Winans- Toya

The passing of Ron Winans has affected us all deeply on a number of levels. For one, he is the uncle of a dear friend of ours so we are mourning with them. However, even though no one in this house carries the last name Winans, we are mourning for us too. My first concert was a Winans concert. Renee's dad who recently passed was a big Winans fan, along with the the rest of our parents. The Winans family has played such a significant part in the soundtrack of our lives. More so, they have been such a Godly example of how to raise a family that prays together and stays together.

I remember when I interned at Boyz II Men's studio and how amazed I was at how they, Jodeci, and countless other R&B singers respectfully "jacked" the vocal stylings of Commissioned and The Winans. I listen to Winans songs now and catch things that I never heard before. Every now and then a lyric will catch me in a brand new way. Chances are if you are black, grew up in a black church and are over 22, your whole household was doing some cleaning on a Saturday morning while listening to some Winans. The senior choir at your church probably murdered a couple of their hits as well and their was always that one dude with the falsetto that SWORE they could sing "Tomorrow" better than the actual record.

Crazy enough, I just recently bought a Winans CD because it hit me that I have none on CD and always played my moms record on our 8-Track stereo (man I am showing my age now). Yesterday I put on the "Let My People Go" record and darn near wore the groove out of my new favorite Winans song "Straighten My Life Out".

Ron Winans was that "bring it on home" kind of singer. We don't have too many of them left and most of the ones we do have are probably Winans anyway. JUST last week I was talking to a producer friend of mine about when they were on Oprah and he sang "Oh Holy Night" better than any other person I had ever heard. It gave me chills as a kid. He was that kind of singer. Not to mention, he holds a special place in my heart for introducing me to the beauty that is chicken and waffles at Glady and Ron's Chicken and Waffles Restaurant in Atlanta.

There was nothing like the Winans before them and there will be nothing even close to them after them. We respect, cherish and are grateful for their legacy.
Party All the Time- Toya

I'm no hater but I really don't know what possessed Eddie Murphy to make as many records as he did. This is truly a horrible song. And yet, I know all of the words. Isn't that always the way it goes?

Someone sent me this picture of Tia and I at this party earlier this week and the expression on my face is dead on what I have been feeling like all week: it says "I really don't know why I am out this late. Please help me." I feel like I have been non-stop all week and haven't had a chance to sort out my feelings about anything. It's almost like I have been purposely avoiding all sorts of issues: school, moving, my feelings for Ross and Mr. Beautiful Surprise, and my career. It's like whenever I go to sit down I decide to go out and kick it. On this particular evening, I went out at 10: 30 after working BOTH jobs, 8:30-5 and then 6-9. I stayed out until 2:30 am.! This was all after I said that I needed to go stay home and read. But noooo, I want to be a socialite. *Sigh*

I fully intended to stay home last night because I knew my junk was out of wack. Extroverts have this problem I think. We want to be around people all the time and get our energy from them but once alone we are forced to deal with what is really going on. Then, that gets crazy uncomfortable, we pick up our cell phones and see what's up for the night. I can't do this anymore. So last night I regrouped and poured my heart out to God. Then, something really sad and serious happened with Ross and I didn't want him to be by himself so we spent some time together. If I hadn't regrouped and spent some time with the Lord, that could have been a disaster for me. I don't know too many women that aren't moved by a real man's tears. I remember praying this before I went over there. "God, I am not going over here to fall in love. I am going to be a true friend and a servant. Help me to put you first, to be a good listener and to guard my heart in every single way." It was a sad but successful evening. I am still left asking myself if it is even remotely possible to want to be just friends with someone who is so very close to the person that you have always wanted to be with. If it is not possible, I should have seen this coming a long time ago.

I am learning patience right now and I hate it. Faith and patience go hand in hand. I am pleased and at the same time frustrated that God makes things impossible for me to get to at times. I mean no loopholes, no nothing. He knows His child. He knows my limits. So we are having our BBQ in about an hour and it looks like all the players will be absent. The Tags can't make it, Ross can't make it, Mr. Beautiful Surprise is out of town, and Guy A, please, we just don't invite him to anything anymore. This has got to be my last party for a while, I swear.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

TIA, WHAT THE FREEEEAAAAKK!!!!????!?!?!?!? Can I please have the other half of my brain back? Is that why I darn near flunked Science every semester and you went pre-med? Good grief!

I just came home to find that Tia wrote about what I am about to write about. Renee is moving out the end of this month so that will leave Tia and I alone for a bit before I move out. Oh, the adventures to come...

I don't want to move. Period. I just don't. At first it was exciting like the unknown usually is but I seriously am dreading it. If I wasn't certain that Tia was moving and NEEDED to move, I wouldn't move at all. Screw cutting my travel time to work in half. I live with someone that understands that when Breathe's "Hands to Heaven" is on the radio, there is no room for conversation. That is priceless.

Anyway, since Comfortable is taken, the title to my post will be from one of my favorite bands ever, Men at Work

Who Can It Be Now- Toya
I LOVE Colin Hay from Men at Work. I have always wanted to see one of his solo gigs downtown but I know I would get thrown out for trying to out sing him on “Overkill”.

Thanks to the fact that I am finally amongst the living with a new cell phone after almost 4 months without one, the text messages between Tia and I have been a plenty with texts such as this:

“I hate being a girl.”
“What is up with my hormones today?”
“Why do I feel like crying? ”

See the wonderful thing about living with 2 other women is that our pheromones are haywire. That special time of the month around here gets REAL special. It usually goes Renee (I wouldn’t know it was that time of the month for her if I didn’t share a bathroom with her. She is so even kieled.), Tia and then me. Tia and I are WAY too close together though and this month is no different. All of these occurrences would have definitely been handled better at a much different, less hormone driven time. Hey, call me an anti-feminist but I am really not in favor of a woman president. I wouldn't trust me or any female I know with the authority to press that red button during the time when any and every little thing makes us just want to blow the whole world up.

I don’t know about anyone else but falling victim to a random crush is a lot like jury duty for me: I never know when it is going to happen , am disappointed when I discover that I have no choice but to go through it and I never know how long I will be there. I have had jury duty twice, actually hoping to be called but it has never panned out. See the parallel here?

As for Tag, just like in The Matrix, there is no spoon. (By the way, YALL, our readers, are CRAZY. We got the most hilarious comments we have ever read about the Tag situations. KC , *sigh*. It was so funny because we know that it's true. LOL!) I truly am over the whole thing. Now I am talking big talk being as though I haven't seen him in a while but due to recent circumstances, I think any lingering thoughts of skipping hand in hand in the park after getting fudgescicles from the ice cream truck are long gone.

Recently, like Tia, I have had some "comfortable" moments with a good friend of ours that will currently be referred to as "Ross". Ross is a cool dude and I didn't realize it but as far as my list goes, he is everything on it and more, hands down. I had no idea. I never even thought about it until a friend of mine brought it up last Saturday morning.

Paula: Okay, this has been on my mind all morning and I have been dying to ask you.
Me, grateful that as a true friend, she waited until 11 am on a Saturday to call: What?
Paula: You and Ross? What's going on? I mean, I was definitely rooting for you and Mr. Beautiful Surprise and it made sense but this makes PERFECT sense.

I was in utter shock. Me and ROSS? Grant it we are some cuddlers, grant it we make each other laugh like crazy and I feel so comfortable with him I could unzip my pants right in front of him after eating more than I should, grant it I could hang out with him all night and not get tired of him, grant it he is absolutely gorgeous and has potential best buddy material but ROSS? I never even gave it a thought.

If anything after a really great night with him and a bunch of us the night before, I was a bit sad. I was sad because well, Mr. Beautiful Surprise and myself most definitely DID NOT have a pleasant evening together (a pleasant evening NEVER ends in apologies which this one did) while Ross and I had the best time. Like, the kind of fun that you should have with someone you are with. It should just be that comfortable (John Mayer fans, join in now, "sooooo broken iiiiiin"...).

So after she posed this question, I started to get paranoid. Why? Well first, because I am weird. Secondly, because I was forced to finally admit that I am indeed attracted to him. "DAMMIT TOYA, not again", I thought. Because see, admitting it brings the paranoia. You have to deal with whether you should still call him, when he comes over will he know that something is different, and can you just randomly hug him as always? I speak to him almost everyday, a few times a day. The day after Paula and I talked, I was a freaking paranoid psycho. I SWORE he knew. And then I remembered that he is a guy. He has NO clue. I mean wouldn't even know where to find the clue with a map, a compass, a flashlight AND a sign with an arrow that says "Dude, here's the clue."

So the first time we spoke after this little revelation was when he called me and I realized that everything is normal. I initially freaked because I CANNOT lose his friendship, it means so much to me. Most of my guy friends are married and/or moved away. Technically, this isn't even a crush it's just that it has recently occurred to me that I am not at all opposed to us actually dating whereas before it wasn't even a thought. However if nothing pops off, that is fine too. I just want us to always be okay. I don't believe that us being together would ruin our friendship because our relationship is just the kind that I would want. Being with him reminds me of the way that things are supposed to be whether it will be with him or not and that's nice. I just need to guard my heart and not try to "substitute" him or let him "substitute" me until the right one comes along.

It's all good. I have more important things to think about like what am I going to do about school and why I am making more money and am STILL poor. All of this just reminds me that God is always working behind the scenes and you never know what may happen. I do know that in His word that all things will work together for my good because I love Him and am assured that I am called according to His purpose. So once again, there is no spoon.
Comfortable - tia
John Mayer has this song called Comfortable. I think it's on the Inside Wants Out cd and I know it's on the live double disc set. But the best version I've ever heard is the one that I pilfered off the internet a couple of years ago. The first line of the chorus is Our love was comfortable and so broken in. That's what's going on here...only with a platonic type love. You'll see what I mean...

Has anyone seen Chris Rock’s first HBO special? It was called Bring The Pain. I practically know the whole thing by heart. It is one of my favourite stand up performances of all time. Anyway, there’s a part when he’s talking about the friend zone. Basically, a guy is trying to get with a chick and then somehow he ends up in the friend zone.

Well somehow, Tag and I have stumbled into the friend zone…NOOOOOOOOOO
Okay, it’s not that bad. I think I actually like it better this way. I can be comfortable with him and we can just be normal. But I’m thinking that there’s not going to be anything more between us. I’m trying to be up out of Nashvegas. He still needs to finish his UNDERGRADUATE. He’s trying to get his life together with God and frankly, I don’t want to be his Jezebel.

It’s weird though. We talk more now than we did before. It’s a little perplexing. One of us picks up the phone to call the other at some point during the day. Everyday. And there seems to be more realness between us now. You know how you put on that fa├žade when you first meet someone? You want to impress them. You don’t want them to know that you’re a closet nose-picker, crybaby, geek, bed-wetter, mama’s boy, etc. You front like you have it all together, so that by the time they realize who you really are they’re too madly in love to leave…or is that just me…? Anyway, all of that pretense is gone now that we’re just being ourselves. He knows that I’m a crier. Apparently, from time to time so is he. He’s okay with the fact that I can be really vulnerable when it comes to my feelings. I love the fact that he’s so protective of his older sister. I can be ghetto and he knows it. He is white bread with the crusts cut off and I love that about him. Plus, he indulges my insane requests. He’s my ride to the airport at 4:00 a.m. next Thursday and he only laughed at me momentarily when I asked him to call me the Princess of the World. (And yes, on occasion, he still calls me that.) He tells me that I’m beautiful, especially when I smile, and I don’t wonder if he’s just saying it because he wants to get with me. I trust him…

I don’t know what happened or how we got here. But this is how it is. He’s the kind of guy that I would love to date, but I don’t think I want to date him. It’s safe…I trust him…we’re comfortable. I’m convinced that he would go to blows for me (mostly because at one point he said he would) and he knows that I have his back. And though it didn’t work out, God allowed me to see what’s out there. That there are guys who can be down for me and vice versa. Guys who will be cool with who I am and dig me just for being me. Guys who love God more than me and want to make sure that I’m held in the highest regard, respected and protected, not just used for selfish gain. God showed me that he is able to give me more than I ever thought that I wanted. Somewhere out there is a Tag with my name written on his heart. And though the wait may seem BRUTAL at times, I’m down with it.

Now to him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can ask or imagine according to the power that is at work in us

Ephesians 3:20

Even BGLUs screw up - tia

Okay one of our favourite, truest of trues, homiest of homies, roadiest of all road dawgs had a birthday last week and NEITHER of us called. We were so wrapped up in the sagas that are our lives that we didn't even CALL to wish Lightchild a happy 30th birthday. Man, We SUCK. LC and I have been down since babies and pacifiers. He is the ORIGINAL baby-daddy. (No we don't have kids. Long story. Just trust me on this one.)

So from the original B-A-BY M-A-MA, this one goes out to you:

Today is a special day
It is the day when everything will go your way
Today is the day that you were born
It's your birthday
And you got it goin' on

It's your birthday
It's your birthday
It's your birthday
It's your birthday

You gotta a cake
With your name on it
And some candles on top
You got some presents
And your good friends
And the party
It don't stop

It's your birthday
It's your birthday
It's your birthday
It's your birthday

You might be turning 21 or 95
It's your birthday
Some come on get live
It's your birthday
It's your birthday
It's your birthday
It's your birthdaaaaayyy....RAAAAAHHHHHH

We Love You, Grant!!!!

Y'all head over to his site and wish him a Happy Birthday.

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Parts 1 and 2 Now Posted Below
If you only read my part of the Don't Stand So Close To Me, scroll down after my post for Part II, Tia's side.
Don't Stand So Close to Me Part One- Toya and Tia
I love this song by The Police as socially unacceptable as the topic it addresses is. I don't however like Don't Stand So Close to Me '86. Who's idea was that?

This week's episode of Absolutely NO Sex in the City welcomes a new character: Tag.
Anybody remember Tag from Friends; a REALLY young, hot guy that Rachel went bananas over? Well in true BGLU surreal like fashion, Tia and I (Monica and Rachel) are in our own personal hell/heaven of each having a "Tag"at the exact time.

I will let Tia give details on her Tag at her leisure and discretion (I like her story so much better than mine and am quite jealous) but in the meanwhile, I will go on and explain mine. This is not the guy that I surprisingly found myself falling for a few weeks back. This is a guy that seems to play a recurrining character in the dramedy that is my life. Tag is somewhat infamous among my girlfriends. I love to introduce him to them and watch them very casually pretend as if they have never heard of him ever before. Every single one of them knows exactly who Tag is: that guy that caused all of us to pose the question, how young is too young?

The answer to that is, for heaven's sake, not THAT young! I was trying on training bras when this child was learning how to hold his neck up in his crib. While there is an alarming age difference between us (I won't say how much but rest assured that he is not a teenager), it is a fact that I have more fun with him and am so comfortable being around him more than most guys that I have known in Nashville. And up until just yesterday, I truly thought that that meant that there was something seriously wrong with me. I mean like, I need counseling and medical attention-type wrong with me.

The first time that I met Tag was at a show. I distinctly remember driving to the show, mad about Guy A. Probably perplexing the other drivers around me, I had another one of my out loud talks with God. "Lord, that's it. I honestly don't want to be bothered. To me and everyone else around me, he acts like he is interested in me but has not said one word." From what I understood, I wasn't the only woman with this concern. It wasn't until I moved to Nashville that I saw such a lack of men that approach women and actually date regularly. Miffed that God had transported me from the City of Brotherly Love to the City of No Love from ANY BROTHAS WHATSOEVER, I met Abby at the show.

Tag came and introduced himself to me while I was talking to some friends and at first glance I thought "You know what? I see you, satan. Club full of brothas and the only white boy is trying to talk to me? I've seen his kind before. This aint nothin' but the devil." He was charming, sarcastic, talented, cute as all get out and by all means YOUNG, but not so young that he didn't have enough confidence to step to the sista with the wild natural hair and some bell bottoms. So later in the conversation the $5000 question came up. "So how old are you?" he asked. I looked at him sideways and told him and at that time I was 29. "I figured you were older" he replied not flinching. "Yeah, that's" what every woman wants to hear" I shot back. "No you're beautiful" he responded, "but I just figured that you were older." I never asked how old he was because I didn't care. I was PISSED at every other guy who this kid could give lessons to. And as he appeared to be more interested and the more he said things that caught my attention, the more I wanted to get out of there.

We talked about the churches that we went to and because Nashville is crazy small, it appeared that we went to the same church but attended at two different locations. "Yeah, I need to go back to church, for real" he confessed. Choosing this as my cue to get out and fast, I stated that he did need to get his butt back in church and that I needed to leave to see the next band because we were wanting to do some shows with them. "Do you sing?" he asked. "No, I spin for a female emcee" I told him. "You DJ too!?!?" "Run Forrest" I thought. "Run, now."

Fast forward about 8 months and I am at church after service, hanging out with some friends. I see an awfully cute but not at all familiar face looking my way and I smile back and go on about my business. Minutes later as I am grabbing my purse to leave, I turn around, startled to find that someone is standing very close behind me. "Hi, umm, I think I know you." He says. Looking at him closely I said "Hey, I think I know you too." We just did a show with a long line-up of artists 2 weeks prior and thought that maybe he was one of the people that I met that night. "Didn't you play at that show a few weeks back?" I asked, scrambling for why his face looked familiar. "No, I but I played at..." and all of the sudden his words got quieter and quieter and the voice in my head screamed"NUH UUUUUUH!!!!" "TAG!!!!?????" I exclaimed. "Yeah" he concurred, obviously surprised that I remembered his name after 8 months. Only me, I thought. This would only happen to me. "You told me about this service, don't you remember" he reminded me. "Yeah, I remember alright." I said. He asked if I ever went back to the place where we met and I told him that it had changed considerably. He pulled up a seat, sat down and asked me why. I couldn't escape him if I tried. The boy is good.

The thing about club/concert lighting is that it is very, VERY deceptive. The more we spoke the more I looked at him and thought, "This child is a...a...a CHILD!" I mean, sans waxing, I can probably grow more facial hair in 2 weeks than he can in a month! Face is just as fresh and clean. What else do you expect from someone who has only been here since about the mid-eighties?

Since then we have become fast friends. After getting to know him, I realized that he is young and a bit insecure at times, but it's cute in a little brother sort of way. I even make jokes about having him come over for milk, cookies and story time (Not to his face, of course). And then there is the part of me that is crazy comfortable around him and just loves to be around him: the part of me that loves it when he makes funny faces at me from across the room and I cross my eyes right back; the part of me that thinks he is hilarious and loves the fact that he laughs hysterically at some of the things I say; the part of me that appreciates the fact that he asks how my week has been and is actually interested in the answer. And the part of me that has come to know that he really is quite shy, humble and not very much aware of not only how special he really is but what an awesome man of God he is right on the brink of becoming.

I got to spend some time with him after spending a not so hot afternoon with the aforementioned Mr. Beautiful Surprise and felt like I had to be the most deranged 30 year old woman on the planet to admit that there is a part of me that is really attracted to those wonderful parts of him. How in the hell did THIS happen??!!! What am I insane? While it is not against the law, I just knew that there was something terribly wrong with me as an adult. So couple that with the fact that Mr. Beautiful Surprise turned into Mr. Beautiful Disaster (I love that song by Kelly Clarkson) I got pretty mad at myself. So after too many drinks (having 2 back to back with no food for me is too many and that's how many I had) I opened up to Renee and told her how disappointed in myself I really was. "Why can't I control these emotions? How did this happen? I guard my heart. I am careful. I am happy being single. I don't ask for this and then I fall for the wrong people beyond my control." Very sympathetically, she looked at me and asked if I needed her to walk me to my car. "Yeah, I think I do" I said as I stumbled to the door.

To my surprise, when I got home, Tia had also stumbled in the door. "Tia" I said "I think I'm drunk". "I KNOW I'm drunk" Tia said. "Can I help you up the steps? I offered. "I think you'll have to." She muttered. And as we layed on her bed and vented about our night we discovered that we were in two separate places with two different guys and drunk for about the exact same reason.

Part II by Tia is soon to come so I will conclude with this:

1) To clarify, I was indeed sober enough to drive home and home was less than 1 minute away. I have since officially sworn off alcohol completely because it is obvious that I am not even a lightweight but a featherweight drinker. Being tipsy to me is not cute and being tipsy after 2 drinks is well, just triflin'.
2) I woke up the next day and wrote on our refrigerator board "Tia, you do know that we are going straight to hell don't you? We may not have to stay there, but we will catch a whiff. Call and let me know that you are okay." I was so upset the next day and a lot of it had to do with the fact that I felt that the Lord was really upset with me, too. I still haven't had a good quiet time in devotion yet. I have pretty much been avoiding it and I am really hungry for the Word right now. So after typing this, I am going to suck it up and pray for God's grace.
3) My friend Melanie, the amazingly wise pixie, met me at a coffeeshop and reassured me that I don't need psychiatric treatment for admitting that I am attracted to characteristics in Tag. This was refreshing. I definitely don't want to BE with Tag but what bothered me so much is that my love life can be best summed up by Brandy's "Almost Doesn't Count" (insert violins here). It's cool. Someday, it will all make sense.
Don't Stand So Close To Me - Part 2
tia and toya

What are the odds? Seriously, what are the odds that both of us would be dealing with individual Tag situations at the same time? I wonder if God allows us to go through things at the same time so that we have more to write about. Hmmmm……

It’s true. I too have a Tag. My Tag is ummm…special. And by special I mean FINE. I mean FINE as frog hair. There is a picture of us floating around and everyone of my friends who has seen it has given me the same response. We’ll leave it at that. (For the record: NOOOOO, I will NOT be posting the picture here. Because what’s going on is just that, going on. I feel that for privacy’s sake, it would be in the best interest of everyone involved to not splash his picture all over BGLU. Think I’m being paranoid? A few weekends ago I went to Texas for my little brother’s graduation. Whilst there, I visited one of our sister churches. A girl that I’d met over a year ago came up to me and we started talking about life and such. As she was leaving she says, “By the way, I love y’alls site.” I WAS IN TEXAS!!!!) I met my Tag a few weeks ago when I was out with some friends. The minute he walked in the door I thought he was cute but not much else. He struck me as the prick from the football team that you would totally want to beat up if you could. Too smooth, too nice, too full of himself. He, however, was immediately smitten with me. I don’t know why. Honestly, I didn’t say much too him initially. And I figured if he was that into me just because I’m hot, he’s one of those shallow guys that I definitely didn’t need to be around. Besides, he’s a fetus. Just 2 ½ short years ago he had the word “teen” attached to his age. (I know some of y'all don't do math. He'll be 22 on his next birthday.) For those of you who don’t know, I will be 28 on July 22. Calls, e-mails and more importantly gifts are ALWAYS, appreciated.

As the night progressed, I found out he was something of a decent guy. Very sweet, bought me a drink, took the time to get to know me. However, I knew he was hooked when he professed his love for me. As I sat in my very fly outfit, holding my pink diamond martini, AC/DC’s Shook Me All Night Long came on. He looked at me with the green eyes of a smitten puppy and asked slacked jawed, “You know this song?!?!?” (Of course, what BGLU over 25 doesn’t?) I smiled at him and said, “Yeah. Great 80s song.” “I love you.” I leaned over and put my hand on his back and said in the most sincere voice I could muster, “I know that you do.” What is it about white boys? They LOVE you when they find out you love rock and such. I guess it’s a best of both worlds kind of thing.

As it was a school night, I had to bounce around 2 or so. As I was leaving he wanted to know if he could call me. Suuuureeeee…..I didn’t think that he would, but I gave him my number anyway. Yeah, I went out the 8th grade way. I wrote my number on the palm of his hand. I know, I know, I know….but neither of us had paper.

Fast forward 4 days…I still haven’t heard from him. Yeah, I had his number (he made sure I had it, even going as far as to put in my phone for me.) but it’s not my job to chase boys. If you are the aggressor in the beginning of the relationship that it your role for the duration of the relationship. Anyway, I figured I would never hear from him again. No worries. And then….

I get a couple of frantic voicemails from Toya while I was in Houston. “Money, call me back!!!!” On my way to the airport, I give her a call. “Money, I have met you NUMBER ONE fan!!!” I started cracking up laughing. She then proceeds to tell me that after church she went up to a friend of ours to say hello and noticed him standing with a very attractive unfamiliar guy. He was introduced as…Tag. Yeah, right, like I’m going to tell you who is his. (Sorry Lew) Apparently, as Toya walks away, Scott mentions to Tag that Toya is my roommate. Out of what can only be described as desperation, Tag yells across the sanctuary, “I LOVE TIA!!” (This story was told me 4 different times by 4 different people, one of them being Tag, and it doesn’t vary AT ALL.) Of course Toya must now find out who this smitten child is. Tag goes on to explain how he knows me and that he thought I was great and that he was very sincere when he meet me although given the circumstances of our meeting he could understand how I would be inclined to blow him off, and that he meant everything he said and was hoping that I would call but I haven’t but he’s pretty sure that he gave me his number but just in case could you give it to her again….?!?!?! I know it took everything in Toya not to laugh in the child’s face. And, as she informed me later, her first thought was to say, “If she doesn’t call you, I WILL!! That chick is bananas…b-an-an-as.

After all of that, I figured I would give him a call. So as I sat in the airport, I dialed the number. We talked for a while and made tentative plans for the weekend. I didn’t hear from him again until I ran into him at church a week later and by then I was convinced that he was just a playa-PLAYYYAAA.

Naw dude…Lunch plans turned into plans for later that night. He was all about it. Wherever I was going, he planned on being there.

So he shows up at the house around 10 looking mighty Abercrombie and we head out. A couple of my friends just moved to Canada. They were leaving the next day and there was a going away party for them at Larry’s, a karaoke bar down the road from my house. You know how you should be really observant of the situation around you. Because even if you don’t realize it, there are sometimes clues that things have the potential to go awry? I should have known that it was going to be a rough night when we get out of the car and these two guys started yelling what could be construed as flattering comments in my direction. I mean if you’re into the "Hey baby, da*n girl you’re fine, com’ere" type of comments then more power to you. As Tag emerged from the car the comments turned to “boos.” Apparently, the brothas did not appreciate that I was with a white boy.

Tag: Do you know them?
Me: No…
Tag: Are you okay? (Apparently I didn’t look too happy)
Me: Yeah, I’m cool.
Tag: Don’t worry. I got you.

We walk in and can barely say our hellos before a very inebriated girl stumbles over to our table and proceeds to explain that one of her friends thinks I’m hot and would love to talk to me. (Now I’m wondering why he didn’t come over himself but whatever…) I politely turn her/him down and she stumbles off. I realize when she stumbles back 10 minutes later that we’re going to have a problem if I don’t think fast. After she asked if I was gay, (apparently that was the only reason her friend could come up with for me not wanting to talk to him) I assured her that I was not and that in fact I was with this guy. The role of boyfriend will be played by Tag this evening. She’s looks at him and says, “Oh yeah, he’s way hotter than my friend” and teeters away.

I graciously thank Tag for his participation and inform him that his services may again be needed throughout the duration of the night. He’s down. (There’s a shocker.)

We spend the remainder of the night laughing at some of our very plastered cohorts who are singing very badly. It is not until much later that I realize that I have had one to many. But it was not my fault. I blame Tag really. Trying to be a…ummm…gentleman and totally, unbeknownst to me, every time the waitress comes by he’s ordering me another drink. I’m honestly not paying attention and sincerely thinking I’m working on the same drink or two. It is only later as a.) He’s settling the tab and b.) I stand up that I realize I am GONE. Now let me clarify, I do not like to get soused. I’m not opposed to drinking but I don’t do DRUNK. I don’t like not being in control and it’s just generally not a good idea. But as a girl with something of a colourful past I know my limits. At least I thought I did. But I guess when you slow your roll, you turn into something of a lightweight. As we walk out to the car I realize that I am on the verge of sloshed. Go home, Tia!!!!

Yeah, I went home and Tag came with me. He had to use the facilities and we had to go to my house anyway. I let him use the psychedelic restroom downstairs (those of you who have been privileged enough to visit the 369, know what I’m talking about.) and I head upstairs. I returned to find him standing in the living room, looking rather perplexed. He says that he’s not really tired and wants to go out and do something. WHAT?!?! It’s like almost 2. Whatever…I know that whatever we do, I’m going to need to walk off some of the liquor. I suggest the pool. There is a really pretty pool in our neighborhood and the humidity had eased up so that normal humans can now breathe while walking around outside.

I am so “warm” I don’t know what to do with my self. I immediately take a seat in one of the chairs on the deck when we get to the pool. Tag sits in the chair next to me and proceeds to…ready for this…massage my feet. I am too gone to care. For anyone who knows me, I don’t let too many people touch my feet. There are several reasons. But the two big ones are
1. I generally just don’t like it
2. I’m a huge touch person. I have read The 5 Love Languages book a couple of times and Touch is a big one for me. I also read something profound not too many years ago. I think it was in Lady in Waiting. The author said, “The man who touches your body, touches your soul.” I’m sure she was speaking more in the context of a sexual relationship, but me being a touch person, I just think it’s a good rule of thumb to be mindful of the touches that guys give.

Anyway, at this point I am on the verge of a coma. (This kid must be a massage therapist on the side.) Tag sees this and states that it’s time to go home. We head back to my house, talking about the upcoming week and then go our separate ways. I stumble up the deck steps of my house, confused, shocked, and pissed that I didn’t pay closer attention to how much I had to drink. I walk through the door to find Toya standing with phone in hand dialing my number. She knows me and knows that I should not be out this late. Period.

Toya: Where were you?
Me: With Tag at the pool. He massaged my feet.
T: I think I might be drunk.
M: I know I am.

Upstairs we discuss our respective nights. It is then we realize that we both have Tags. What are the odds?

My dilemma is not too different from Toy’s. Older girl finds younger guy attractive. Older girl lets emotions run amuck. And I have a history of this. I have to really keep my emotions in check because in the past I have fallen easily and fallen hard. So the fact that this gorgeous, driven, smart, funny precious child likes me has me in a state of flabbergastation. I was a wreck on Monday. I like Tag and I already think I like him too much. So much so that I was beginning to think that I needed intervention. It’s not that there is anything wrong with having the feelings. But it’s when you become a slave to your emotions that you have a problem. I have been so jacked up that it took my 2 days to finish a report that should have taken me 2 hours. No exaggeration.

This is the thing: my first love is Christ. I have seen what happens when I don’t put Christ first in my life. To put a man on a pedestal higher than God is to doom that man to failure and to set your self up for severe heartache. Plus, I’ve recently discovered that I’m still trying to find out who I am in Christ. I have the foundation of it down pat. But the upper levels are still being uncovered. There’s this song by Anberlin called Never Take Friendship Personal. There are 2 lines that get me every time:
If you can’t hold yourself together how can I hold you now
and then,
If you can’t find yourself/Then how can I expect to find you

So as I ran fake hills at 5:53 this morning, I realized that I still have a lot to learn. I know that I’m not going to be perfect when He comes. But I do know that I walk the line of a very tight rope. On one side is emotional breakdown and on the other is the cold dead heart of a chick that’s closed off to the world. Frankly, I don’t want either.

We are having a bbq soon and both Tags are scheduled to make an appearance. Holy Crap!!!!!

Friday, June 3, 2005

Back to the Middle- Toya
This is a song by my new best friend, India Arie. She and my other two best friends, John Mayer and Jonathan Foreman (Switchfoot) make up the soundtrack to my life in Nashville. By the way, if you don't own Switchfoot's "Learning to Breathe" and you are in the middle of a quarter life crisis, you are missing your blessing.

If I wasn't me, I wouldn't read my own blog. I'd be like "that girl is crazy". And I admit it, I am a bit crazy. You know what? I take that back. If there is one thing I have learned from the countless numbers of emails we have received is that what we write affirms the craziness in a bunch of women we have never met.

I am feeling so much better tonight. Not where I was a few days ago but not where I was before Guy A which is where I thought I was headed. It's not that serious. God is still on the throne and there is a lesson in every heartache. I think Tia and I are starting to learn this lesson simultaneously.

We went to go see my friend Britten play tonight (yall are NOT ready, wait until this kid comes out. You know the drill:yes, we know him, yes he is fine, yes, he loves him some Jesus, no we won't give him your number) and I was reminded that there is life outside of this uncertain cycle. This won't last always and most importantly, none of this will matter in eternity. Because the ultimate, unconditional love we are looking for, we will have once we are face to face with Jesus. I remember seeing Guy A in church one time and during praise and worship I was thinking "When is this going to stop hurting?" My existence doesn't end on this earth. This will not ALWAYS hurt. Hallelujah!

I am crazy to think that I would be able to spend my entire life with this wanna be asexual wall up around my heart. Not too long after I wrote my last post, we went to see another friend play (never short on shows here in Nashvegas) and I was like "I am BUGGIN'. I love men. More importantly, I love God. MOST importantly, God loves me and He's not only got my back but my heart. " He knows that I love LOVE. He made me that way. However, there is an amount of self control that I know that He is trying to instill in me to not just jump head first and to wait to be found.

In my own defense, I didn't jump head first into this current episode, I was sideswiped; ambushed, caught off guard if you will. It was really just a moment of looking into this person's eyes and realizing what I had always really known and did not want to admit.

Things are great. I am calm. I can't wait to see what God is preparing us for.

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

Here Comes the Rain Again-Toya
Annie Lennox...sigh...I love that woman. The Eurythmics were so fierce.

Text message to Tia from me this afternoon: " I am out on love. Out, I say. No more. Why won't God give me "the gift (of singleness)"? I mean, I AM the only one asking for it!"

Less than a good week of bliss and then just like one of my favorite Martin episodes "Grand openin', grand closin'". My dad and I were talking on the phone during our weekly phone date and he asked me how I was doing with my hormones. We both started laughing and I thought that maybe I should tell him about the guy I have found myself falling for. I initially didn't want to tell him. The thing is, I have told this story about twice this week and it is a loooooong behind story if you don't know the history of me and this person. I only told two of my closest friends because I wanted them to know what was going on with me. For the most part, I had laid it down, and just thought of him when cute little love songs came on. I was chillin'. Not going with my gut feeling, I spilled the beans.

When I got to the part of revelation, the part where I looked into his eyes and it seemed there was no one else in the room and my heart suddenly felt too big for my chest (the aforementioned angina feeling), my dad brought this monsoon to my parade:

Toy, you want someone that will say the same thing about you; someone that walks away from you and feels the same way...

That is what he said, but this is what I heard:

Oh poor Toya. Here we go again. You think that THIS is different? It's not, because once again, you are totally feeling someone that is not feeling you. Familiar?

This all has very little to do with "him". Up until then , I was fine if this person never reciprocated my feelings because I trusted in God for whatever He wants for me and was happy and content with love. But then the tide changed when I started looking at myself and frankly, I am really embarrassed. Like, what was I thinking? When has it ever worked out where I liked someone first? To put it simply I am just tired of it all. I keep asking myself where the breakdown was; where is the leak? I have strategically put this wall up for myself to no avail and unbeknonwst to me out of nowhere, I really started to fall. I have been wise, I have guarded my heart and I have handled this better than any other time that I have been interested in someone. I have been completely obedient. And now at the end of it all, I am again hurt because in looking at it all, I am just not convinced that having these feelings are even worth the space that they take up. I am just tired of feeling this way first. I hate to say it but I think I am back to my cynical old self.

I am pefectly aware that this is fear talking but "hope deferred makes the heart sick." I want to start getting well and place my hope in other things, not this.