Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Come And Talk To Me-Toya
I looooooooooove Jodeci. Remember when it was Jodeci, Boyz II Men, Hi-Five and Color Me Badd?*sigh* Remember when Jodeci scared the fool out of everybody when they showed up looking like terrorists at the Billboard Awards? I loved them anyway. Aww, the good ol' days.

Sometimes I am scared to talk to God because I am certain that He doesn't want to talk to me. I have no problem talking to Him when things are going great but when I am in the valleys of life, just when you think I should be all about the Word of God, I feel too ashamed to ask for help sometimes. Kind of like, this is my fault and I'll get myself out of it. I was listening to Charles Stanley talk about this and he said that that comes from not really knowing God. Truth be told, I don't think that I do.

If my perception of God is this ogre that has a "tough on you" attitude when His word clearly describes Him as all merciful, faithful and forgiving even in his discipline, I am not grasping something. I don't know Him as well as I should at this point. For instance, a person that sees me at work and talks to me once in a blue moon might expect me to be the kind of person that is fairly quiet and observant. A person that knows me on the real and has been to the crib knows that I am extremely outgoing and a straight up clown. Those two people are familiar with me and could identify me in a line up but they know me on two completely different levels and would probably describe me in different ways.

It's been 2 weeks and no job. Just yesterday I was in the kitchen and thought "God, why won't you help me? I don't understand." The truth is that I didn't really expect him to help me. So I woke up this morning with a heart of praise and an expectation of God talking to me. These are desperate times. What I do know about God is that He wants what is best for me. He loves me no matter what. I can count on that. So I opened up the Word and felt led to go to Psalms 107. It was perfect. In Psalms 107 it talks about a few different scenarios where people needed deliverance. One instance was where the people were lost, hungry, thirsty and wandering. It says that "Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and he delivered them from their distress". It then goes onto say that He led them by a straight way to where they could settle. Then after that, it talks about some people that were in darkness because they rebelled against the word and despised counsel. I started to read that and was like "Uh oh. I am pretty sure that is me. What happened to them?" Well, praise God, it says that God did the same thing! Actually before it gets to the deliverance part it says "so he subjected them to bitter labor and there was no one to help." and THEN he was faithful and delivered them.

I am with that. Totally fine with the bitter labor. I deserve worse actually. Just knowing that God will soon deliver me from this is refreshing and I feel like a new person. I feel like I finally have something to stand on and for once it is not guilt.

Psalm 107:15 "Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men."

Praise God!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Random Stuff-Toya


This is me and my new boyfriend, Remy Shand

Just kidding!!!! That is me and my new friend Riley. I look so menacing in that picture. Anyway, I put this up because I just wanted to testify about how God has blessed me with some amazing friends and I am so grateful! Just when I think that I have enough, I am blessed with some new great ones and new friends are the absolute best.

I was just telling a friend the other day that your friends shouldn't bring you down. They should build you up. If you get around your crew and there is continuous drama, you need a new crew. My friends make me want to be a better person, more ambitious. They don't always tell me that I am right but correct me in love. We have a lot of similar interests and I can learn something from each and every one of them. They don't make me feel inferior and they constantly build me up. And I totally trust God in the fact that when The One comes along, he will already be a part of my crew and no one will have to worry about me dissing them for a guy. My friends make me smile everytime I think of any one of them and if I had just one of them, I would still be so blessed. I truly, TRULY am rich.

When Bad Lyrics Happen to Good Songs
When "Slow Down" from Bobby Valentino comes in it sounds soooooo sweet. But then, the former lead singer of Mista (remember "Blackberry Molasses") comes in with the most ignant lyrics I have heard in a long, long time:

Slow down, cause I really want to get to know you/but don’t turn around cause that pretty round thing looks good to me

I was FEELIN' IT right up to about that point. Let me get this straight, you want to get to know a girl BUT not so soon. You are still too busy lusting over her behind to get to know her just yet. Give me a break.

Must Be the Music
I noticed that I haven't been writing at all about the shows that Renee (MOC), Nikki and I have been doing lately. I can't believe I get to have this much fun! DJing is great and I have a fun time doing it but I have been a bit nervous at our last few shows. Reason being, a lot of people whose shows and work I really admire have been to a couple of our last shows. We're cool with them so as always, I run up afterwards and ask for advice. So far it has been "You guys are great. Keep doing what you're doing." If you want to know if we are coming to a town near you, check out .

So as much as I want to go to school for esthetics, I can't get away from this passion I have for music. I am interviewing for various jobs and there is a particular one in the industry that I am really REALLY hoping to get, even if I have to put school on hold. We'll see.

I saw Acceptance's new video and I just got the fuzzies. I called Anne Marie like "See, this is what I am passionate about. What am I going to do?" My mom is like "Work is work. Get a job that you can be at for a long time with good benefits and a 401 K. Have fun on weekends. It's time to settle down." Yes, I want to pay my bills but I don't want to be unhappy. I had an interview for a job today that would pay me well but I could just see myself at my cubicle stabbing myself in the neck with my letter opener. Yes, I am old enough to settle down but I am old enough to finally settle down and do what I really desire to do. *sigh*

U Got It Bad
This is a problem.
I am sitting in my robe after watching American Idol because for the second time in a row, Constantine sang and my clothes mysteriously came off. I was wearing a skirt unfortunately and I slid off of the couch screaming and my skirt flipped over my head and I couldn't see. This really is a problem.

It's the way he looks into the camera. No one has ever had this kind of effect on me before. It's not lust. I just get antsy and before I know it, my clothes feel really constricting and I can't stop screaming. Renee laughed herself to tears and ran to the back of the house, it was so ridiculous. I really, really, REALLY have a problem with him.

Don't Dream It's Over
I have always had a thing for skateboarders. ALWAYS. As I got older, I thought that Tia and I would just go to the Tony Hawk shows or watch X Games and sigh and reminisce on how skaters were so cute back in the day but now that we are grownups, fooling with them past high school is pointless. I mean how would they support us? And then I saw Cribs with my favorite skater, Bucky Lasek. DAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNNNN!!!!!!!! Did anyone see his house? Bucky, thanks for keepin' the dream alive, homie. Hey now, HEY NOW!
17 Questions - tia

What is it about guy friends with girlfriends? I’ve got this one friend that I’ve been down with since babies and pacifiers…(Me and Mariah, go back like babies and pacifiers….Awww, ODB…) We used to be real cool. But now that he has this girlfriend I can’t even get him to return my phone calls, emails, nothing. What is that? Why do guys forsake their trues just because the IDEA of sex is on the table? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m asexual or anything. But my friends mean SO MUCH to me, that the idea of leaving them out there for a guy is just foreign to me. Yeah, who ever “the one” is will be my closest, bestest roaddog ride-or-die type guy. But my girls (and a couple of my guys) were there before “the one”. True, he will be closer to me than anyone else I’ve ever known, but that doesn’t mean I will kick my girls to the left when he comes. There will be no, “Sorry, y’all, I now have the opportunity to have sex and I can’t hang.” At least it won’t be like that after the first 6 months of marriage. Y’all are still my trues, but give a sistah some time to umm…cleave.

And Then...
Why is it so weird when the woman in your dad’s life is not your mother? Or you? I went to visit my dad and his girlfriend was there. She’s cool and all. I’ve known her since I was little. (My parents split when I was 11 months old. So I’ve never known my parents to be together. It’s kinda weird to think that they were actually married…to each other.) Anyway, it’s not that I have a problem with the girlfriend. She’s really sweet and I can tell that she really cares about my brother and me. But it’s still so weird to think that my dad knows her better than he knows me. I mean, I live here. She lives closer. As a divorced commodity, I was given to my mother. Dads always get the shaft. So my dad only got summers and holidays to get to know me. Whereas the g/f, by definition, is going to be around a lot. Does anyone get what I’m saying? And does it ever stop being weird? Will I ever stop being that 4-year-old who is super jealous of her daddy’s affection and attention?

And Then...
Does anyone is showbiz or fashion have a positive conception of their body/body image? I was listening to the Tom Joyner Morning show and they were talking about the rumours that were going around about Beyonce. Apparently, word on the street is that she’s had some plastic surgery done. Her small waist is leading some to speculate that she’s been under the knife. The conversation then turned to what work the DJs would have done if they had the money. DeDe said that she would get her nose done and her butt lifted…No comment on that one. I know that it’s a sensitive area for some.

Okay first of all, in Beyonce’s defense, some people just have really small waists. My hips measure 44in (I ain’t shamed) and my waist is about 29in. And I have a long torso. I have NEVER owned a pair of pants that fit in both the waist and hips. Have I had work done? Ummm…no. People just want a reason to hate. Beyonce is beautiful and she is a designers dream girl. Don’t hate on her. Embrace.

Second, who the heck defined the standard of beauty? And why do women continued to let themselves be defined by it? It’s almost as if we’re okay with the fact that we’re being brainwashed. On television, on the radio (36-24-36, she’s a winning hand/Brickhouse) in stores (I swear the clothes are getting smaller so that we’ll feel guilty and then kill ourselves trying to lose weight.) there seems to be an onslaught of negativity aimed at young women. And it makes me wonder, why is it that there seems to be a deafening roar coming from the “be skinny, have perfect skin/hair/teeth to be accepted” camp but there’s barely a hiccup from the “
you be you” camp?

I’m not saying everybody needs to be a thick girl like me. But I do think that regardless of weight, height, skin, teeth, hair, or whatever, you should be proud to be you. In the words of 2Pac, “stick you chest out, keep ya head up and handle it.”

And Then...
Am I the only person who wished that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had not been allowed to procreate?

And Then...
Where is Jon B?

And Then...
I wonder how mad the brothas are about Meghan Goode marrying that white kid from 3rd Rock?

And Then...
Why did I have to show ID to buy cold medicine? I was in the store yesterday trying to buy medicine for the head cold that I think I contracted from my supervisor. I noticed that the medicine was no longer on the shelf, but had been replaced by cardboard coaster looking things bearing the logo of the medicine that I wanted to purchase. I took the coaster to the pharmacist, who promptly informed me that because of the street pharmacists who are creating Meth using cold caplets, I would now have to show ID anytime I wanted to buy any medicine that contained…whatever the stuff is. Honestly, let them make their drugs and leave me alone. I don’t believe in the theory of evolution. But I do subscribe to weeding the herd. Let the stupid people OD. It leaves more room for the rest of us. (Okay I just reread that. I’m going to blame that bitter diatribe on the fact that a.) I’m on cold medicine and I’m slightly congested and cranky and b.) I was inconvenienced in my sickly state. Just so NO! Save the Children. Help Keep Kids Off Drugs and all of that other stuff.)

And Then...
Am I too tomboyish? Though I have become something of a glam girl, I still find myself hanging on tirelessly to my boyish tendencies. And for some reason, I’m still somewhat annoyed by girlie-girls.

I was in the 2-yr-old room last Wednesday and one of the little girls fell down and scraped her knee. I know that it hurt so I let her cry it out. But I noticed that she continued to cry even after she’d been bandaged and sufficiently held, coddled and loved on. It became so bad that I had to have her mom paged to come and get her. The mother arrived and I realized 2 things, one by the mother’s own admission and one by observation. 1.) This mom was grooming this child to be a mini-version of her. And this woman was Prissy personified. It was a bit disturbing. 2.) The mother explained that the child was probably freaking out at the site of blood. She (the mother) was also somewhat squeamish around blood and the child had inherited the phobia only it was about 20 times worse. It made me wonder, if the child is this freaked out over a scrapped knee is she going to pass out altogether when she hits puberty and the painters and decorators make their first appearance.

The whole thing made me think about me. (I know it’s shallow. The child is traumatized and I’m thinking about myself.) I began to wonder if my child would be that freaked out about a small bleeding scar. Surely not. So I realized that I was a little miffed at this woman for grooming her child for the ranks of Ms. Priss. But then I continued to ponder. There’s really nothing wrong with what that mom is doing. Just like everybody can’t be thick like me, everyone can’t be sweet and rugged like me. Every girl is not going to be able to rock the fly-est heels in the world while being able to kick your ever-loving butt at Galaga. My head knows that. But sometimes that knowledge is not enough to lessen the irritation.

No More And Then...
Why am I still at work when I clearly need to be at home resting? They give us 10 sick days for a reason. I’m out.
ALERT: This Thursday on VH1

Behind the Music: NEW EDITION

Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord, AMEN!!!!! (That one's for you, Grant)
I am sooooooooooooooooo excited about this, I can't even explain it. DO NOT CALL THE CRIB unless you are watching it and want to discuss it. -Toya

Monday, April 25, 2005

Chronicles from the place we do not speak of - tia

FEV to the E to the R
Remember that song Flava from the MMC cd? (Y'all know we're prone to test you on your random useless knowledge.) I want to say Albert sang lead and Chase sang the chorus.

FLA to the V to the A
Check it out, check it out...

Anyone, anyone...I know that some of y'all have that cd. I know I'm not the only one. Anyway, all that to say, every time I look out the window I realize that I have not the "Flava" but the Fever. It happens every year around this time. I want nothing more than to sit on my deck with a tall glass of ice water and read books until the sun goes down and the mosquitoes come out. It's spring I can't take it. I want nothing to do with the place of which we do not speak. I want some lazy afternoons, late morning naps and random movie nights with my friends. I realize that I need to marry wealthy or some how find a way to gain independent wealth. Until then, I am relegated to the cube at the place of which we do not speak. I played catch up all last week and I'm bored. So here's some stuff for you.

Where the playas play
I went down to Hot-lanta this weekend for an audition and an open call. I have not heard back from the people at the audition but the guy at the open call was interested in representing me so it wasn't a total loss. Anyway, I realized (yet again) that I am not called to small town Nashvegas. Don't get me wrong. Nashville is a great place to raise kids if you're going for that small town feel. But the ampleness (is that a word) of pseudo-rockstars and the 6 degrees of separation from EVERYONE can be a bit daunting. I'm convinced that you should not run into people you know every time you go out.

anyway, I love A-town all the more every time I go down there. I love the people, the big city feel, the anonymity, the food and just about anything else that you can think of. The traffic is a bit much but thank God for reliable public transportation. I know some of y'all are a little to bourgeois to ride the bus or the train. I on the other hand had to sign a contract last week stating that I would relinquish my first born child before I was allowed to pump a tank of gas. So yes sir, you may have $1.70 so that I can ride the train.

I also found that unlike in Nashville, I am not underrated. I have this theory. I, as well as a lot of my friends, am underrated because we live in Nashville. I look around and I sometimes I think I'm in a bad scene from the Stepford Wives. Everyone pretty much looks the same. So if you're not all petticoats and Aqua Net, you may not be fully appreciated. However, I got game about 4 hours south of here. Maybe a little too much game. A LOT of people got the Lucy Lui in Charlie's Angels "uh-uh hand" this weekend. My favourite one was the guy that only came up to the twins. I was walking toward he and his friend and as I walked past him I saw him turn around to say something. I quickly lowered my head (to say, "aww, how pitiful and sad"), raised my hand and gave him the audible, "UH-UH!" Bro..if we're standing chest to eye there's no way this is going anywhere. I know you're excited but uh-uh.

So, yours truly may soon be exiting the 369 and heading down to land of Peaches and Varsity chili dogs. I'll keep you posted.

In Rotation
Will Smith - Lost and Found

People sleep on Will. Apparently he's not black enough because he's not calling us b******, talking about the exorbitant amounts of jewelry he owns, or some nonsensically act of violence he committed. I can't act like I wasn't in the sleep on Will club. I honestly just didn't realize I was a fan. The other night I was sitting at home and turned on MTV Hits to find a block of Will Smith songs playing, starting with Parents Just Don't Understand and ending with Switch. Yeah, I knew almost all of the songs. It was at that moment that I realized I was a closet Big Will fan. So as a fan I went out and supported the album. I mean Wal-Mart was practically giving it away and he got like 4 kids. And Robin Thicke is on the Switch remix. I'm SOLD.

Y'all, Will is pissed. He is tired of being dissed. He is tired of people calling him a sell-out and he is letting ya know. It's almost out of character for him. But a brotha can only take so much before he hurts your feelings and makes you pick ya face up. I do admire how he makes a point of letting you, God and everyone else know that he is one of the originals. And I swear he stole the basic idea of my very first post EVER (Why I hate Rap Music, Part One, April 2003) and made it a song (Lost & Found). Basically, there is a formula or handbook or something that they're giving to rappers. Jewelry, scantly clad females, some sort of liquor, a decent track and you have a rap song/video. boooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Favourite Songs
Switch - I like this song for two reasons. 1. It's a good song, period. 2. I can dance to it. I can actually do the accompanying dance that goes with the song. I'm no dancer. I can pretty much keep the rhythm of the songs and move as necessary (yea, strobe lights.) But when it gets too complicated I'm out. I can do The Muscle, The Thunderclap (not really a dance, I know) and I can Switch. I look like I'm killing roaches when I do the A-town (H-town?) Stomp and people try to pull my tongue out of my mouth when I do the Harlem Shake because I look like I'm having a seizure. So when a dance comes along that I can do, I get behind it whole-heartedly.

Nice Guy - I think I just like this song because he is letting you know that he will not be having too much more of the nonsense. I must admit, I would LOVE to see Will Smith punch the fool out of Larry Elder and I know Jada is just waiting for the day she gets into the same elevator Wendy Williams.

I Wish I Made That - This song is WAY TOO SHORT. I like it and I'm having a brain fart at the moment so I can't even articulate why I like it. Just know that it's a fly track.

Mariah Carey - The Emancipation of Mimi

Dear Mariah,
Congratulations on the new cd. I saw that it debuted at #1. I wish you all the best in your new endeavors. And kudos for getting Wentworth Miller for the videos. Girl, he is fine. I just have one question. Can I get my steelo back?

The first time I saw this picture, I thought it was Beyonce. What's that they say about imitation being the greatest form of flattery?

All joking aside, I am once again a Maraih fan. I stopped checkin' for her a while back. I just wasn't feeling Charmbracelet, Rainbow Clouds, Bric-A-Brac or whatever those last few cds were called. And we won't even mention Glitter. It wasn't supposed to be funny right?

Apparently someone reminded her that she can actually sing and she decided to do so. I've read in a couple of places where this cd has been dubbed the return of the voice. That not too far from the truth. Mimi, with the help of a handful of guests and some JD-tracks, reminds us why we LOVED LOVED LOVED songs like Someday and Love Takes Time.

We Belong Together HURTS!!! It's some ole "pining for lost love in the worst way" stuff. Has anyone seen Better Off Dead? It's one of my favourite movies of all time. There's this seen when Beth has just left Lane for a hotter, blonder, skier with a better car. Lane is left to drive himself home and fester in his pain. All the way home every song on the radio is about breaking up and the like, to the point where the radio has no place to go but out the window. WBT is like that. Pain everywhere, including on the radio. I don't know why I love that song so, but I do.

And now I must leave you. I have to pack as I have a well deserved vacation coming up. Miami is not ready for me.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I Love Music-Toya
Of course, this is a song by The Ojay's. I totally understand Walter's beef with Justin Timberlake inducting them into the Hall of Fame. Can someone please revoke his "ghetto pass" quick, fast and in a hurry?

Music makes me feel rich. I may not have a lot of money but there is something about loving so many different types of music that makes me feel like the richest person in the world.

Yesterday I went into our basement to look for my high school diploma and found a box full of mixtapes. I know we are all making mix CD's now and MP3 whatchacallits but there is NOTHING like a good ol' mixtape. I mean where you can hear that sweet record playing noise or where you can hear where one strategically cuts the music off before the DJ on the radio comes in. I should have always known that I would wind up wanting to DJ.

I was going for a job interview and it wasn't that I was feeling depressed but lately I have been a bit overwhelmed. My spirit was just a little burdened. It was a gorgeous day and I decided to pop in one of my mixtapes. I had one with Sting and Seal, another with all 90's pop music, and another with Stevie Wonder and OLD Luther Vandross (Busy Body record from like '85). I reached over into the crack of the seat and grabbed and unmarked one. I seriously felt as if I had just found a $100 bill in my pocket.

I wish I could share with everyone what I was listening to but I can't. However, you will all be hearing it soon enough. I found a tape of my favorite artist, Cat Wilson, who happens to be my cousin. Ever find an artist who's voice and lyrics sound like they were just tailor made for your ear? He's a singer/songwriter/genius wanderkind (not anymore since he just hit mid-twenties) who has always blessed me with tapes and now CD's of whatever he is working on for other artists or his band, Morrison Slick. Oh and also, he used to be in Ladae. If anyone remembers them, consider yourself an Ol' Head on the real. I guess if I had to compare him to a contemporary artist, I would have to say John Legend. I say this reluctantly because well, Cat is 20 times better. I am so selfish because I want his music all to myself but I know that once he comes out, the world will be so much better for it.

So after I discovered this tape with all of it's hissing and basically no low end, I pulled into Sonic and got me my most favorite Cherry Slushie. I rolled down the window and thought to myself "You know, things really aren't that bad." Thank GOD for music. It amazes me how people lie to themselves and say that music has no effect on a person's spiritual well being. But then again, it shouldn't amaze me. I mean after all, satan was the original minister of music.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

You Dropped A Bomb On Me- Toya
I HATE this song by The Gap Band and I love just about every song they have ever put out. But it fits this time.

I am hesitant to write this because what I am about to write might reveal exactly who Guy A is to some people. Honestly, that doesn't really bother me too much because due to this latest episode, he obviously doesn't see a problem so why should I? Also, this is too funny to not share. It's funny now, but earlier...pssst... it's a good thing this happened in church, that's all I'm sayin'. You know the Word says where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. So basically I was at liberty, freed up if you will, to act like a child of God and not while out like I was on Jerry Springer.

A few weeks back I found out that Guy A was engaged. I knew that it was only a matter of time and it's cool because he and his fiance' are perfect for one another. Ever see couples that are so right for one another that they even start looking alike? That's them.

The only thing I have struggled with concerning this is that Guy A is in love and about to get married and I am nowhere close. Sure there is the whole disappointment of being head over heels with someone that doesn't feel the same way but ideally you want to get over that by finally finding someone that does. So when they have found "The One" and you can't find ONE, let alone, "The One", it stings a bit. I remember driving one night with tears streaming down my face asking God if there was something seriously wrong with me. Almost every day I hear people say how funny they think I am, how pretty they think I am and what a wonderful person they think I am. So I was thinking is there something deep that I haven't dealt with yet? Am I under some sort of curse?

I got out of that funk with the help of my roomies and was just this morning thanking God for this season (Lord let it just be a season) of singleness in my life. I was thanking God that He set apart this time for me to do things to please Him and serve Him using the talents He has given me. I finally saw this as a blessing and not a curse. I saw singleness not as God holding something back from me but as Him giving me so much and allowing me to delight in this time where it is just me and Jesus. Sounds swell doesn't it? I thought so. And then the bomb dropped.

I was walking in the sanctuary after church and then this negro, I mean, Guy A, my brother in the Lord, starts walking towards me (Help me, Holy Ghost, I already feel like I'm about to get heated again.) Avoiding him was impossible and congratulating him on his engagement was also going to be impossible. Call it childish, I just knew that I couldn't sincerely do it and I am not a good faker. He reached out for a hug and I started to give him the good ol' platonic side hug. Guy A is the most touchy feely brotha I have ever encountered in my life to the point that it can sometimes be inappropriate. I believe that this played a good part in my feelings getting tangled up. If I don't like someone romantically and they are affectionate, cool. If I am crazy about someone and they are affectionate but aren't crazy about me, not cool. Either way, he is just too over the top sometimes. So much so that him trying to hug me almost turned into a wrestling match. He tried to put his hand on my shoulder and massage it, I dodged him. He tried to hold my wrist, I pulled away. He gripped my arm, I took my great big ol' church lady purse and slammed it down on his arm so that he could get the idea. I looked at him wide-eyed as if to say, "Hey, you obviously are okay touching me. I am for real NOT okay with you touching me. Could you not?" Then he looked at me, shook his head and said "Come on, don't be like that, don't be like that. Hey, umm, what are you doing on (date of wedding)" I let him know that I am non-committal to things that people have invited me to in 2 weeks. Asking me about something over 6 months in advance wasn't even a good idea. "I was wondering" he replied, "if you could DJ our wedding."

Yes, I did just write that this dude just asked me to DJ his wedding. You read correctly.

It wouldn't be so asinine if he didn't know everything. If you remember a while back, I found out that a mutual friend of ours spilled the beans to him about how I felt about him. He also told him that if he didn't feel the same, he may want to stop touching me the way he does. Grant it this was last year but does he really think that I got over this right away? So for him to know and still ask me is plain sadistic. Also, even if he thought that I was completely over him, me trying to wrestle my way out his affections earlier to the point of almost taking his arm and twisting it behind his back does not hardly translate into "Sure I would love to play the first song that you and your new wife will dance to." What the hell was he thinking?
Just a little aside: If I stepped outside my mind and DJ'd their wedding out of spite, it would be hilarious if the first song I played was Congratulations by Vesta- For those of you who aren't familiar with this song, it's about a woman in love with a man who is about to get married. He MUST not know that I'm that crazy. Tia, you better talk to him.

So I told him the truth. Although people ask me all the time, I don't DJ weddings. To DJ weddings, you have to have a certain amount of music, you gotta MC it and well it has always looked pretty boring to me. It's just not my style and I left it at that. It was hard not to say how I really felt and how hurt I was that he could even ask me but Guy A is also a close talker and well, even though he is an idiot, I still have about an iota of a deep feeling for him. I hate to say it but he still gets to me.

I walked away and told Aby what had popped off and our friend Lou, a faithful BGLU reader quickly caught on that what he had just witnessed was an exchange between myself and the infamous Guy A. "I don't know what just happened but that looked really uncomfortable." he said as I came back to vent. I informed him that Guy A had just asked me to DJ his wedding. "Noooo. You are going to write about this, right?" Lou is a trip. I was glad that he was there because I really needed a guy's opinion on if my being upset was just me overreacting. He didn't think I was at all and agreed that it was pretty ridiculous for Guy A to even ask. So of course I told most of my best friends and my mama and the general consensus has been this: Guys are stupid...but DAG!!!!

So I "Had a Little Talk With Jesus" in the bathroom at church and confessed that I am plain tired of this disappointment that comes from unrequited love. I was really really hurting and had just had enough. I refused to condemn myself anymore for being human and having feelings and allowed myself to just be sad without beating myself up for it.

For him to say "Don't be like that" as if to say "Look, I know that you had a little crush on me but try to put that aside and do me this one solid" is unfair and unkind. So much so that if I see him, I am going to tell him. Either I will, Tia will or our friend that told him the truth about how I felt will because he can't go on looking like an inconsiderate fool and he has to learn to be more sensitive to my feelings. I mean it truly felt like a punch to the gut. I do know and am willing to accept that things happen for a reason. This is being used to make me stronger. Maybe I am going through this so when God links me to who He has for me, I will really appreciate him because before Guy A, I was so closed off to commitment that I would have driven him crazy. Funny enough, Ralph Tresvant is singing "You need a man with sensitivity." The fact that this has happened and I am still like drooling over brothas like "Men are the best!" let's me know that I have really come a long way. Everything is going to be alright.
TV One-REAL Black Star Power- by Toya

I am in HEAVEN!!!!!! We just discovered this new channel called TV One and they are showing the Tom Joyner Sky Show with New Edition!!!!!!!!!!!!! They look so good and they are still the best, hands down. I am STILL in love with Ralph Tresvant. I really might cry.

What is so awesome about this station is that it actually has relevant and respectable tv shows. There is a makeover show with tips that I can ACTUALLY use, there's a brotha with a cooking show who is so great and they show old episodes of Showtime at the Apollo, Martin and 227. It also has a show called TV One Access that covers black entertainers. Basically, you can watch this channel and not feel embarrassed or degraded and it isn't 20 continuous hours of "Back that thang up" videos. This channel has been on our tv for about the past 3 days and I have no problem with it staying on. Yeeeaaaahh!!!! Whether you are black, white, spanish, asian or whatever, please support this station. Okay, I need to go before they go into "Can You Stand the Rain". I am so excited!!!!

Friday, April 15, 2005

The Return of Mr. Covington - tia

At what point is it okay to smack someone in the back of the head?

So I'm was working on Toya's taxes last night when the phone rang. It was a friend of mine who shall go unnamed because in Nashvegas you are 6 degrees of separation from EVERYBODY. We'll just call her Tootie. She was just calling to see what we (The 369) were doing. I informed her that The MC was out with her sister and the DJ was at her other job. I had no plans for the evening and was currently trying to slam the man ala a 1040EZ form. We got to talking about a series that our church is doing on relationships. As we talked further, Tootie revealed that she was having some issues with a particular guy. He was acting interested and seemed to be pursuing her is some way, but when she replied to his "advances" her just kind of looked the other way.

As she's telling me the story a lot of things are sounding familiar. I finally had to ask, "Who is it?" She initially didn't want to say. People were already talking and she wanted to avoid the rumour mill at all costs. I respected that. But something was telling me that I already knew who it was. After poking and prodding I finally told her, " I know who it is." "Who?" "It's Ben Covington." "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?!?!" "Girl, because the SAME THING happened to me 6 months ago." (Please see my posts from Nov 10, 23, 24, 2004 for a review on Mr. Covington. Although unnamed in the Nov 10 post, KNOW that I am talking about him.)

This fool is TIRED. He is all kinds of fine, but he is tired. I want to believe that he really is just ignorant and that he really does not know what he's doing in the women department. But to come with the same old tired game and think that you're going to get away with it, is just pitiful. I also have a problem with the fact that now it's not just me. I'm not saying that Ben at some point didn't GENUINELY like me. But now in the wake of the aftermath, my feelings were hurt AND so are one of my girl's. And I have NO IDEA what to do about it. I'm afraid if I say something to him, even in love, I'm going to look like the jaded, bitter, rejected girl. But I feel like he needs to get called on his behavior. Because if he's wiling out because he doesn't know that he's hurting people or because he doesn't care, it still doesn't make it right. Ignorance is not an excuse to hurt people. I don't care how fine you are, how Godly you're perceived to be, how down you think you may be, playing with emotions is not cool. Plus, I want to let the boy know, you might just play with the wrong one and then what. Don't come crying when you have a crazy chick on your hands.

I do have to say that if nothing else I can finally see a reason for what happened between me and Ben Covington. Even though my little feelings were tender for a MINUTE, I was able to minister to someone because of my hurt. I'm glad Tootie called. I'm glad I got to share my experience with Mr. Covington with her before she got too far into with him and realized that he's a flake. Yeah, she's a little tender at the moment, but at least she knows. Rather have to put a band-aid on your heart now than have to deal with a triple by pass later, right?

PS - I can honestly say that I am NOT checking for Ben anymore. Clearly, he has shown his behind and truly, I do not have time for him. See me now or see me later. He chose later. His loss.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Beauty in the Breakdown-Toya
"Beauty in the Breakdown" is a really cool song by Frou Frou who seems to be this year's "it" band to like. I was a bit hesitant at first, but I dig them. I have a problem telling Frou and Snow Patrol apart. Maybe I'm not that cool after all.

Let me tell you what cuts off the flow of Ready Fuels like a MUG: coming to the realization that you are now too poor to pay attention. Mos Def's saved and sanctified twin could roll up on me right now and I would be like "Umm, bro? You don't even want to be caught up in this mess right now. Check for me when the bill collectors aren't calling me every hour on the flippin' hour."

A week ago today I had a minor breakdown due to the state of my finances. It was a long time coming but it was the LAST straw. I came home on my lunch break from work to grab my wallet because the last thing I needed was to be pulled over with no id and 2004 tags (too broke to get my car fixed so I can pass inspection). While at home, I got a phone call saying that due to my not being able to pay my cell phone bill, I was in danger of having my wages garnished. WHAT??!!! I flipped out. Not on the phone per se, afterwards. I won't say what I said, but I pretty much screamed at the top of my lungs that I couldn't take it anymore and that I was moving back home. Renee came downstairs to find me crying hysterically and even though she prayed over me and said that God was going to work it out, I had already convinced myself that this was all of my fault and that I didn't deserve his intervention and probably wasn't going to get it.

Am I moving back home? I am not entirely certain. But this was exactly the butt kicking that I have deserved for a really long time. Years of poor financial habits have caught up to me and I am in more debt than I have ever been in my life. And you would think that I had all the bling in the world to show for it! Oh no! The only thing worse than being poor is being a poor person in denial about how poor they are. There were times that I hung out with my friends and went out to eat when I should have stayed my butt at home and had a sandwich. I just didn't want to believe how bad things were.

I was driving home the other day and I started praising God that He loves me enough to not let me continue to get away with making these bad decisions. Grant it, not all of this is my fault but a good bit of it is. This is the wakeup call I needed. So just like any sensible person would do when they are broke and need all the money they can get, what did I do? I gave my job two weeks notice. Oh yeah. I quit one job so I could have the flexibility to have two.

I do not know what is going to happen and although things seem to be getting worse daily, I am handling things much better. Like today, I only had to pay $2 for a ticket I got because I was pulled over for my tags. The downside is that I found out that only half of a ticket that I got in 2002 had been paid and there is a good chance that my license is suspended AND I have to go back to court for a speeding ticket. As the man told me this in court today all I kept thinking was "don't cry. DO NOT CRY. Not here anyway." He could tell that the water works were about to flow and assured me that there was a good chance that I won't have to pay a lot. I quickly got out of there, went into the bathroom and cried. I didn't cry because I am worried. I cried because this lesson has been quite overwhelming. I know that God will see me through in spite of myself and He is already providing.

Tiffany took me to court today because I didn't want my car sittin' up in front of the courthouse with expired tags. She lives about 5 minutes from the court house. I was supposed to call her when I was through in court but I felt like I needed to go for a walk. So in true Forrest Gump like fashion, I walked all the way to her house. She was so worried. I had to do it though. I needed to start sorting out exactly what is going on in my life right now.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

And then there is opportunity....

Despite the fact that I have been filing for 2 days and still have reports due, I felt the need to take a break from my cube dwelling to weigh in on Toya's last post. I need to become independently wealthy so that I can have more free time to write and stuff. Is there a start up kit somewhere for that?

I've noticed recently that Toya has been experiencing a lot of...ummm..Readyfuels as of late. She is not alone. I too have been having some issues with said Fuels. I don't think mine are as intense as hers as I am a.) younger and b.) well...we're not even going to mention that thought...suffice it to say that making out was a hobby of mine and I'm still riding out the residual waves of the former pastime. As such, I'm not hurting quite as much. But that's not to say that there aren't days where I have to turn away (turn awaaaaay, turn away: Clueless, car scene, circa 1995) from members of the opposite sex. Because I know that some people have been a problem in the past I try to make a point of keeping my mind renewed. I have scriptures on thoughts and purity posted on my desk at work. (Hey, I ain't shamed.) The problem for me is not so much the thoughts, although I do have to take them captive, but the opportunities.

Toya and I are fairly hot chicks. Toya does this thing (and I don't even know if she knows that she does it.) She smiles as she talks to people about, well, stuff. And because she is one of the cutest things walking, as she begins to talk guys have a tendency to get the look. It has been dubbed the "Jan Brady look." You know the one. The head is slightly cocked to the side, the eyes become slightly glazed, the mouth is slightly ajar and the halo fog, tweeting birds and soft music play in the man's head as he begins to fall in love with her. It really quite pitiful. And in the end, if Toya really wanted to, she could have the makeout session that the Fuels are calling for.

I, on the other, am usually left to deal with the guys that your mom warns you about. The guys that would gladly make-out with me in some dangerous way. The guys that have not one pure thought in their heads. The guys that are sometimes brutally hot but utterly perverse in spirit. For instance, last night I met this guy, we'll call him J. J seemed nice enough. But it was not until Toya called me and said, "Watch out for him. He will grab your booty in a instant" that I realized that I was in danger. Apparently J, had given me, not The Look, but The Leer and Toya had been present to see it. The Leer, for those of you who don't know, is the perverse cousin of the Jan Brady. The Leer says, YES, HERE, NOW!! Thank you, but I'll pass.

Then there was B. As I drove he and his friend to their car, B looked at me and said," I want to make out." He went on to explain that he didn't mean with me, but just in general. I politely informed him that he should save his kisses for the right girl. I was a makeout whore in the past and well, it's just not the best thing to do. Besides, I explained, many a feeling had been hurt, theirs, NOT mine, after what I thought was just some good old fashion NCMOs (pronounced Nick-MO; Non-Committal Makeout Sessions.) I came to realized that guys, though they may deny it, can catch some feelings from just kissing. B replied, "Wanna Bet? I won't catch any feelings." Okay now you have to get out of my car.

I'm left to wonder, why are there opportunities aplenty when you really don't need or want them? There are no shortage of guys who willing to introduce you to their saliva. So I'm not only left to fight my own thoughts but I now also have to fight off theirs. It almost doesn't seem fair. I know that we live in a fallen world and we exist in a culture that is permeated by sex. So I guess I should expect the tonsil hockey applicants. But when you're high on Fuels and opportunity after opportunity presents itself, it makes for a long ride on the celibacy highway. (Insert heavy sigh here)

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Ready Fuels- Toya
Ready Fuels is a song by Anberlin which is hands down one of the best rock songs of all time. You can hear it once and remember the hook for a lifetime. It wasn’t until Tia asked me what Ready Fuels actually were that I realized that that was a phrase for hormones. At least that’s what I think. So Stephen, correct me when I’m wrong when we see you next.

I’m going to be really open, honest and transparent right now. When am I not? But this is really real. So real that I have been doing some research on it and I want to know exactly what is going on with this new 30 year old body of mine.

As of late, whatever part of my body that produces “Ready Fuels” is in overdrive because I am having a time and a half trying to keep my clothes on (Hey man, he without sin… you know the rest). I don’t know if it is spring fever or what. If you are some sort of android you may not understand what I am talking about but if not this could be a problem for you too. I am not some “True Love Waits and Won’t Even Think About It Until Marriage” type individual. “I am a True Love is Waiting and Waiting and Waiting…So Help Me God Before I Go Buckwild” type individual. It used to be the older I got, the easier it was to wait because why would you go 30 years without having sex and then just screw up your life? But due to my most current research and a talk with my dad, this sudden surge of overly amorous feelings is not uncommon.

A friend of mine sent me an email urging me not to make some stupid mistake concerning a guy and in it she said that she understood how my perception could be a little hazy due to the fact that I am reaching my sexual peak. “Wow, I wasn't even thinking about sex.”, I thought. “Still, is that true? I thought that didn’t start until right before menopause”. So I did some research online and there are some conflicting theories on when this actually starts; some say late 30’s, some say early 30’s. So I asked my dad who has always seemed to know more about the female body than I do and he said that everyone is different but he wouldn’t be surprised if I am starting to reach my peak right about now. There are a few things wrong with this:

1) If I have reached it or am reaching it soon, I am up a creek because there is no potential date let alone husband in sight. What if I reach it and then drop and couldn’t even enjoy it? I know God is not mean but still.
2) If I have not reached it and have a bit to go before I am even on my way, OH MY GOD!!!!!!! I cannot imagine it being worse than it is right now.

What I mean is I have to strategically fight everyday to keep my mind pure and I have never had to do this before. I wake up to Gospel Music, I go to sleep to Gospel Music. I have cut my love songs down to almost nil and have banned strawberries from my shopping list. I don’t watch black people kiss on television. White people kissing on TV does not bother me. Morris Chestnutt kissing on television???!!!! Please. I have to go turn it off and go upstairs to renew my mind in the Word

And women are so weird. It will be the strangest thing that turns us on. I will name NO NAMES but Tia and I saw a guy not too long ago that we both have had to repent about. Most girls may not even look at this guy twice and yet we both agreed that there is something so hot about him that immediately made us want to just walk up on him and be like “You want to go make out?”

I probably should stop thinking about him right now.

I know I am not the only one dealing with this. I can’t be. I am sure that most of my single friends struggle with this because none of us are having sex and this is a good part of the reason why we want to be married. Sure there is the companionship, sharing of bills and for me, having someone to reach the high places in the kitchen. But truth be told AT LEAST 80% of the time we long for it the most is when we just want to get freaky.

Tiffany, who is married, told me the other day that sometimes you just won’t be in the mood. I looked at her as if she had said that there will come a time in my life that I will be indifferent to whether I need oxygen or not. “What do you mean by ‘not in the mood’?” I asked. “When is a single person not in the mood? I’m in the mood right now!” Someday I am sure that I will know what she means but right now it is unthinkable.

I am totally convinced that God’s timing is perfect. He is sovereign and knows the future and everything that is going on in the present. I don’t doubt that when I am standing at the altar that I will quickly think back on all of the time I waited and not regret one moment. Hopefully, that time will be within the next 2 years. And when it finally happens, no one is to call or stop by my house for good while. If you do, you will hear/see a message that says “True Love Waited…Holla at Us in about a Month”.

Saturday, April 2, 2005

Yes, I'm still here - Tia

This is how I know I haven't posted enough. Someone referred to me as "and crew" as in Toya "and crew." :) In my defense I have been on the road something like 21 of the last 35+ days. I am, however, going on vacation for FREE with miles and points, so I can't complain.

I promise that I will write soon. I mean come on....In the last month I have
- (re)Discovered that I love Puerto Ricans...
- realized that I have way more responsibilities than I really want
- come to realize that I have game in every city EXCEPT for the one I live in
- had to deal with the fact that my feelings were still hurt from the whole Ben Covington incident
- met Marc Broussard
- begun working on my clothing line and a BGLU t-shirt
- started studying Spanish and Apologetics...again. The former having to do with the vacation thing (going to South Beach) and the aforementioned Puerto Ricans
- and discovered
Ian Anthony Dale (I mean I don't usually check for the Asians/Japanese but I'm NOT BLIND and if you haven't seen Mr. 3000 with Bernie Mac go to Blockbuster RIGHT NOT)

So it's not for lack of's more so for lack of time...

But in the famous words of Simple Minds: Don't You...Forget about me....