Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Things Can Only Get Better- Toya
Where is Howard Jones? Does anyone else love this song nearly as much as Tia and I? His song "No One is to Blame" could fit this post just as well. "and you want her"...

It is official:everyone in our house is definitely out on November 2004. It was so bad that it has pretty much sucked out all of my Christmas spirit and I was feelin' it. Actually, we are pretty much out on the entire year. It was quite eventful and not entirely in a good way. Renee's father passed away this morning, the last day of November. This was a sucky month indeed. She appears to be doing well. I have yet to deal with it and because I know I am queen of ignore and deny, it will be about a good 3 days before it all hits me. Whoa be it... I think I wait so long to cry because I really, really, REALLY hate to cry. I am a hard crier. Full body jerking, can't stand up, kind of crier. Not a pretty crier like some super model roommate whose name I will not mention (boo hiss on you, pretty crier). I cry so hard it sounds like I am laughing. I cry straight from my stomach. It is so gross.

I have learned a great deal within this past month and what I have learned comes down to this: I know nothing. It's like walking two days straight in a desert with no map. You have gotten closer to some point but you don't know to what and somehow you seem further away from where you need to be.

Ever felt like a great, big sinner? I've been feeling that way lately. The other day I woke up and asked God if I should do something pretty trivial and loud and very clear, He said "Please don't (do that)". FREAKED ME ALL THE WAY OUT! Not because God spoke to me but because He said "please". Who am I that God would plead with me? Then He led me to Galatians 6:1 and 5:1. To make a long story short, apparently I was about to screw my future up beyond all recognition by making a small yet costly wrong turn. I was thankful that God has my back but I felt like a huge heathen because there are some issues that I have been practically sleepless over that I am not getting nearly as obvious answers about. This seemed so minor in comparison. I felt like I must be really, really trifling for him to have to get my attention that way. Almost like I am slow. I don't know. Needless to say, I didn't do it and am praying for more discernment cause obviously I am lacking it.

Another thing that I was made aware of this past month is that there are a lot of people in this town that are gay. Period. Not "metro", not "pretty" not just "effeminate". The thing is they know it, WE don't. We make excuses for the obvious. I will not go into detail.

Life is happening. I guess I was getting too overly spiritual the other day and my mother brought this to my attention. I told her about all of these crazy things that happened on my job from the girl who tried to sabotage me to Sexual Harassment Man (when we mention him in the house, it is always sung to the tune of "Secret Agent Man". So much less serious and so much more fun that way). An attack from the devil? Sure. But that is part of life. Things happen. We get older, our parents die, people will piss us off and no matter how many crazy things we have heard or seen, there will still be things that will surprise us somehow. It's just part of life.


Sunday, November 28, 2004

Throwing It All Away- Toya
Does Genesis have a greatest hits? I need to know this. I mean POST Peter Gabriel years. I didn't really love them when he was in the band. Phil Collins is a bad little British man, he is.

Let me preface this by saying that this is not aimed at anyone particular. This has been a heated subject amongst my friends for almost the entire year. There are at least 6 women in this year alone who I know have fallen victim to this, including myself and I was the worst offender, hands down. Like Paul said "Not that I have already attained, but I press toward the mark."

"Boys have penises, girls have vaginas"- Kindergarten Cop
Stay with me here. I am going somewhere with this.

Last week, Tia and I were sitting through yet another Felicity marathon. Shawn, who wears his heart on his sleeve constantly on the show, had fallen for the girl that was the pink Power Ranger in about 8 seconds flat. It was all over his face and I said to Tia "Shawn is such an emotional slut" to which Tia replied "That needs to be on a t-shirt; don't be an emotional slut."

Ladies, I don't care if you are purer than the driven snow, so many of us, young and old, are or have been emotional sluts. So many of us are willing to put all of our emotions in a box, gift wrap it and hand it over to anyone that shows us a little attention, way before we can tell whether they deserve it or not. What happened to the days of being hard to get? I remember my mom telling me that she let my dad chase her until she caught him (let it marinate). Back in the day, you didn't call boys and there was no kissing on the first date. Now we call, email, fax, text message, and IM men to death and kiss them when there has been NO date whatsoever. When did we become so easy and why are so many of us so desperate?

Why are we giving men so much in exchange for so little? I remember back in the day a guy had to darn near be on his last leg, ready to completely give up on me before I would show him some due attention. My motto was "You have to show me a lot before I show you a little". Now, I am not that hard nosed anymore but going to the opposite extreme of that is no better.

When the whole Guy A fiasco was going down, the person that I had the hardest time talking about it to was Tia. So many of my friends and my mom would hype me up about it but Tia just didn't seem all that interested. I remember saying that I was having a hard time with the whole Guy A thing to which she nonchalantly replied "Because there isn't a thing." I was a bit salty about that at first but she was completely right and as women we need to be just as honest with one another. There was nothing going on between us. Yes, it was obvious to man, woman, dog and cat that he was attracted to me. True, we had some great, personal and lengthy conversations. When you put two people in a room that love to talk, that tends to happen. Lingering touches, stolen glances and long personal conversations do not equal a relationship. Too many times a guy shows that he is attracted to a woman and she goes butt noodles. Her imagination goes from 0 to 150 mph in .0018 seconds and now all of the sudden there is a "situation". We give over our emotions, our time, our thoughts, our mental space for something that does not exist. Newsflash: if he has not asked you out, if he does not call you, and if he has not voiced interest in you and discussed being more than friends then there is no situation and what you need to do is BREAK UP WITH HIM IN YOUR MIND. That is the next t-shirt.

Let a guy like you. It's fun. Let a guy chase you and sweat you for a change. It's more fun. What is so unfortunate is that when a guy shows us a little attention, we get out of order. It's like me and couples dancing. I am HORRIBLE at it. I ALWAYS want to lead. I can never for the life of me learn how to let a guy lead while dancing. When I start trying to lead, even if the guy starts letting me, things get completely out of whack. There are times when guys are attracted to girls that get emotionally aggressive and they will start letting her lead and that brings shear chaos. They may like it at first but even they know something is not right. Why do they know? Because it is so out of order. If you are like me and you need visuals, let me break it AAAALLLLLL the way down for you: Anatomically it all makes sense. Look at how men and women are built; if women were supposed to be the aggressors, women would have penises and men would have vaginas. Let a man be a man.

Oh and for the love of all that is pure, decent and holy in the sight of God, STOP PLAYING BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND and wondering why he won't commit to you. This is partially why our generation is waiting so long to get married. If I was a lazy knucklehead and a girl was giving me all of the benefits of being together and we, in reality (despite of what was just all in her mind), were not together, I wouldn't commit either! It's not always cheaper to keep her. I am willing to bet that 9 times out of 10, the same guy will play boyfriend/girlfriend until a girl that is not so willing to be an emotional slut but is a challenge comes along and that is the one he will commit to, leaving the "girlfriend in a glass case" crying and rejected in the dust.

We need to learn to keep things in order, stop holding our breath for the one, get on with our lives and wait. We have no other choice. I remember when my mom turned 40 and my father planned this amazing surprise party. He flew in friends from their hometown, he had a slideshow, my brother and I did a cute little skit and it was amazing. Well the party came two days after my mom turned 40 and for those 2 days she was unbearably miserable. So much so, I asked my dad if we could tell her that she was getting a party so she could get herself together and stop feeling sorry for herself. She could not just be happy that God blessed her with another year. She couldn't be happy that she had family and friends that loved her. All she could think about was herself. So when she arrived at the party and everyone yelled surprise, she clapped and looked around to see who the surprise was for. When she found out it was for her, she cried for 15 minutes straight. She was so happy then but prior to that she felt so unloved. I believe that God has a gift for all of those that want so badly to belong to someone else and say that they desire God's perfect timing. So many of us aren't enjoying life and are not feeling loved because we are pass the age we thought we would be when we would be married. Some of us are too busy wishing, daydreaming and walking around with our husband antennas up, wondering if each new guy we meet is the one. We need to appreciate all of the wonderful things we have around us now. We need to appreciate the process that we are going through now to prepare us to be joined with another person because once they come life is not easier contrary to popular belief. Marriage is not the promised land. Get on with your life.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Seasons Change- Toya
Did they ever try to get Expose' back together on VH1's Bands Reunited? I wouldn't be mad at that. Not at all.

There is a running joke in the house that our lives are not real but part of a TV show called "No Sex in the City" (sometimes bitterly referred to as ABSOLUTELY No Sex in the City). If this was indeed true, this would be Sweeps Week. There have been more tragedies, let downs, and shocking events this month than all of the months combined. However, there have been some quite funny events that have taken place as well. All in all, the running theme for 2004 has been Seasons Change; whether you want them to or not.

I should have first caught wind of this when my cousin Tone got married in August. Not really my cousin, I have known his older brother Tre's since birth. We have always been one big happy family. I would go to New York and spend the weekend with them and their family. Initially my parents had a problem with this but they let it go. We (Tre's and I) knew we were soul mates. We were best friends and in our late teens it became obvious that this was heading into something more than platonic. And then...duhn duhn duuuuhn...

I started to grow up and realize that you can't marry you. We have the same strengths AND the same weaknesses. Sure, we can get in a room and make everyone laugh but we'd be living in a box on 42nd Street somewhere because neither one of us is good with money. So when things got way more than platonic, I backed away. It was so hard. To this day, I have never been that comfortable around anyone, not even my best girl friends. Well, Tone got married this year and I saw Tre's and it was nowhere near the same. Before, he couldn't wait to tell me about his girlfriends. "She is so much like you." he would say. “I told her all about you. I can't wait for you two to finally meet." At the wedding reception, he NEVER mentioned her. I didn't even know he was with someone until the DJ called all of the couples to the floor to dance. Soon after, I went to the bathroom and spent the remainder of the night throwing up due to the flu. I am sure the realization that things just aren't the same anymore didn't help.

I am just realizing how much I value my friendships, especially childhood friendships. I have another childhood friend, another guy, who is my absolute heart. I never felt like I had to guard myself or had to bite my tongue around him. I never felt like I had to worry about if I was being a weird girl or was calling him too much in fear that he would take my friendship as meaning something more. I have no problem telling him that I love him and how much I believe in him. He knows he can tell me anything and vice versa. Well as of late, that has gotten a little weird too. "That is my homie". I told Tia the other night. "He knew me BEFORE my braces. Certain things should remain constant in life and this friendship is one of them. He can't do this. This is us, we are talking about here.” He takes this from me and that is the last of my childhood memories. For goodness’ sakes, the house I grew up in isn't even the same color anymore. Before I know it, they will be tearing down our elementary school.

Tia said that maybe God has allowed people to move out of my life to make room for THE best friend, my husband. That would be swell, in a few years. However, what I do know is that never before have I wanted to be so constantly aware of God's presence in my life. One of our pastors said something about how differently we would see our situations and how differently we would see loneliness if we realized that Jesus lives inside of us. So now instead of thinking "I can't wait to go home and tell Tia about thus and so", I am trying to immediately turn to God and talk about it right then and there. I have depended on my friendships with people way too much and have just begun to develop my friendship with God. THAT is the only friendship that can and must stay constant in my life.

So a part of my childhood has died throughout this year. My favorite childhood author, Paula Danziger (wrote The Divorce Express), died a few months back. I was so hurt. Sunday night, I was lying on the floor at Abby's house listening to Donny Hathaway and while half of me was in heaven the other half was in a state of misery. "No one makes music anymore" I groaned. I hate the term neo-soul because a lot of it is not NEW. (Side note: Here is a New Year's Resolution for every musician that is NOT in hip hop: Repeat after me: I will not use any samples in 2005. I want to hear string sections again. My radio STAYS on Scan because I keep forgetting to put CD's in my car.) All that to say, things are changing. Music has changed, the world has changed and my life continues to change.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

I'm so bored...tia

They are the "pre-holiday" days. Those that are notoriously known for being the most unproductive. You don't want to work because you know that you're about to be off for several days in a row. And in my case I really don't have a whole lot to do. We had this huge audit last week so I had to bust tail and make sure that I got everything done. As such, I've got about 3 real things to do. I figure if I do one thing a day I'll be good to go by the time I go on vacation.
Anyway, since I have a bit of time on my hands I figure I would just talk about whatever. That's the beauty of having something as self-glorifying as a blog.

How did you know, 'cause I never told
(name that song)
Okay there's a guy who reads our blog. His name is Levi and he is wicked smart. I'm ridiculously intrigued by him and his exploits. He's the kind of kid that I would have had a HUGE crush on in high school. Except for the fact that he's in COLLEGE at 14 and although I was taking advanced biology and 2nd semester geometry when I was 14 I was no where near as intelligent as he. And as such, while he was attending university, I would have still be rotting away in high school. So aside from the city bus ride to our respect places of education our paths probably would never have crossed. Anyhow, all that to say that I totally dig
Levi.

Music
In rotation at the moment:


Daniel Bedingfield - Second First Impression

This cd has done nothing save to further fan my temporary obsession with Mr. Bedingfield. I bought an import copy of the cd from Tower Sunday night with a gift card a friend gave me. (Thanks Chris) Overnight it managed to change my whole life. Okay maybe not my whole life but I'm seriously feeling Mr. I Gotta Get Thru This in a special way. If you haven't seem the video for Nothing Hurts Like Love, I've got to ask what your problem is.

Songs of Note
All Your Attention - Something of an obsessive ode to wanting his love's whole attention. But he hits these money notes that made me HOLLER in the car the night I bought the cd.

Don't want to share you with the stars in the night
I only want you to only want me
Now, then and forever
I'm even jealous of the sun in your eyes
I want you looking at me, only me
I want all your attention


It's when he hits that "YOUR" that you know he is so sincere. For the love of all that is good and pure, give that man your freakin' attention. Seriously, stop playing with him. I'm telling you it will hurt you something fierce. Not for the cavalier listener.

Nothing Hurts Like Love - More money notes

Holiness - A total 80s throwback about Yeshua's holiness in our times of weakness.

And then there are the thank yous...And I quote

"Thank you so much to:
The Author of all Creativity - My Father God, Champion of the Underdog - Yeshua - The Christ, The Catalyst and Comforter - The Spirit of Holiness"


Seriously does ANYONE know where and how I can get up with this man?

Grits - Dichotomy A

Hittin' Curves - So the first time I heard this song, I honestly thought they were saying Pimpin in the Ride. And you know, I wasn't really mad. (I now know that lyrics are Dippin in the Ride. But I still like Pimpin' better.) I am also not mad at the "countin' blessings like rocks" lyric. Put the music where the people are. Everyone might not be able to understand counting blessings like tall soy white chocolate mochas.

Mind Blowin' - PLEASE stop sleeping on 4th Ave Jones. Seriously, stop playing.

And I must give respect where it's due. There is a brief dialogue at the end of track 3, I Be, that will make you
A. Respect men a lot more
B.Respect YOURSELF a lot more
C. Make you think twice about calling a man a dog.
D. Make you think twice about being a female dog (insert applicable word here) to his male dog.

Destiny's Child - Destiny Fulfilled

I must admit that I love Destiny's Child's new single Lose My Breath. I bought the cd based mostly on that song and the snippets I heard on The Leak on MTV.com. I can totally understand how Lightchild was unimpressed. It's a total chick album with the prevailing message being "I don't really need your tired tale aside from on the occasions when I want to get my swerve on." But I must comment on my growing disdain for the group as a whole. I will probably be chastised as judgmental for the following paragraphs. Quite frankly, I don't really care.

Beef #1 - Vocal Production
I saw DC on Oprah this past Monday. They performed a brilliant medley of songs from previous albums and then Lose My Breath. I must admit their individual performances were almost flawless. They all have very distinct but beautiful voices. In the wake of the Ashlee Simpson debacle, it was refreshing to see that there are people who can actually SING. It was obvious that they ALL have talent.


So you can imagine my shock and awe when I got the cd the following Tuesday and heard how BAD Michelle sounded. Imagine Macy Gray under water with the occasional pterodactyl screech thrown in. I kid you not. I knew that Beyonce had done the vocal production on the album (because she mentioned it several times on Oprah.) So my question was, how did Michelle get such a short end of the stick? How did B let her girl go out like that? If you didn't know better you would think that M can't really sing. When in all actuality the girl can kinda blow. And of course your first question is did B do it on purpose? I mean, the vocal production WAS in her hands. It's just a theory...for now. I'm no Beyonce hater, it just seems a little suspect..

Beef #2
People are free to live their lives as they please. But I feel like when a person's lifestyle disparages a whole group of people, those being deprecated have a right to speak out and say, "HEY, that's not all of us." As such, I'm kinda tired of DC talking about their Christianity. You know a tree by it's fruit and the only fruit that I'm seeing them bear comes in the form of short/revealing clothes and compromising behavior and lyrics. By it's very definition, a Christian is someone who strives to be Christ like. I don't really think Christ would be too thrilled to know that your BOYFRIEND was puttin' it on you deep. All I'm saying is if you're going to be a disciple then you need to walk the walk, talk the talk, live the life. I'm not saying perfection. (All one has to do is read my posts and they'll know how far from that I am.) But I'm am saying raise the standard. Be a light. Put on some clothes. Tired of being treated like an object? Loosen up those pants, opt for a bigger sized T-shirt, stop dropping it like it hot at every turn. You want to be different, stand out in the world? Then stop trying to be like EVERYONE else.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12: 2


BE...blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe - Phil 2:15

I'm not saying that I don't like DC or their music. (I bought the cd for crying out loud.) But I am saying the Christianity that they sang about not compromising is in fact compromised with every action that contradicts the word of God. Your Christianity should not just be a moniker that you don whenever it's convenient. It's a lifestyle, it's a renewed mind, it's changed thinking, a higher standard.

I'm probably going to get blasted for that...Oh well.

Tired
Let it GO!!! Bush is still the president.
I'm so tired of people complaining. And if I hear one more conspiracy theory about how the young vote was not properly counted I'm going to scream. Just to set things straight, Headline News reported that a record number of 18-30 year olds did in fact turn out to vote. But the thing about is, a record number of PEOPLE turned out to vote. So the percentage of the aforementioned demographic that came to rock the vote or die or whatever remained unchanged from the 2000 presidential election at approximately 17%.


Also of note, please check out Stephen Christian's brilliant analysis (Nov 3 post) of why the choose or lose to rock the vote against bush punk rock or die demographic didn't show up like everyone thought.

And now I must be off. Have a great Thanksgiving.



Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Grits-not just for Breakfast
or
And Then - tia


grit {v} - to have beef with, to meanmug, to hold ill feelings, to emit hateraration

So the saga continues....As Toya pretty much has a direct link to all things in my life, she was not unaware of the goings-on with myself and Ben. One of the things that I love most about Toya (most of the time) is her forwardness. She has no problem letting you know what she's thinking. There are times when I need that. I sometimes don't get innuendos and subtle nuisances. Often I need a strong "CHAMP...NO!!!" Make it clear, write it on tablets and run with it. Such was the case with the whole Ben situation.

Toya walked in my room around midnight the night before last and said, "Look, this is obviously bothering you. And since you have a problem with it you need to say something. Ben is obviously feeling himself a little too much. He told you something and you feel like it's not true. The bible says if you have a beef against your brother you need to say something."

Thou dost protest too much
I think I gave every excuse in the book for NOT saying anything. I just wasn't trying to hear her. I was under the impression that if Ben had actually lied, then he was out. I could forgive but that didn't mean that I had to be civil or anything. (Come to find out it kinda does..oops) Toya went on to explain to me the reasons why I had to say something. Not the least of which being that I would have to see him every week. And if I didn't say something it would turn into one of those situations where I would unconsciously start grittin' on the person who offended every time that I saw him. And before too long I would be full on hating. I'm talking drinking glasses full of Hateraid every morning type of stuff.

I guess my gross indifference was obvious because Toya said, "I see this is a little too fresh. I'll let you marinate in it a while." And then she politely walked out of my room. As I reached over to turn off the bedside light I remember thinking, "God, I'm not saying anything. She is so wrong." ummmm...Okay.....

Yesterday morning, I was hitting the down right PISSED stage. I had marinated all right. But not in the right thing.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things..
Phil 4:8


As I had spent much of the evening thinking about how my feelings had been hurt it was understandable why I woke up cranky. And I still wasn't checkin' for what Toya had said. Even though in the back of my mind, I had maybe a small inkling that she was right. Maybe...So I called an older wiser married friend of mine b/c I just KNEW that she would have my back. She would tell me what I wanted to hear: That I was perfectly justified in how I felt and as long as I forgave him in my heart, I could ignore him from now on when I saw him. Just as long as I did it in love. Yeah...okay. Of course my second friend said the SAME exact thing that Toya said. I have a problem with what happened and if I didn't take care of it, it could get ugly. Of course, I immediately looked for the cop-out.

Me: "So I can just shoot him an e-mail right???"
Friend 2: UMMMMM...no.


Man, I knew they were both right. That didn't make me want to do it though. But I did it anyway.

It was a slow day at work, it being so close to the holiday and all. So I grabbed my cell phone and went down to the lobby to make the call. It went something like this..

Ben: I was just thinking about you.
Me: Stop lying.
B: I was for real. I was out last night but I had to leave. And I was just wondering if you were there after I left.
Me: Whatever...(you ain't got to lie, Craig...you ain't got to lie....Name that movie)
B: For real...
(I finally tired of the conversation so I moved on.....)

Me: So you know why I'm calling, right?
B: (laughing) Man I know...I am in so much trouble. Let me have it.
Me: (Calling him by his first, middle and last name) Benjamin Cliofus Covington (an alias) what is your problem? First you blow me off, then you miss dinner, then you give me some lame excuse why you didn't make it and to top it all off you've been acting all kinds of weird. What is wrong with you? Seriously, what is your problem?


Oddly enough, he stuck to the story of getting the days mixed up. He went on to tell me that he really thought he'd already missed dinner and he was just flat out too embarrassed to call. (?) We talked for a while and I pretty much laid it out there. How I was feeling, how I didn't appreciate how he was acting and how I had to call because I was on the fast train to Gritville, population 1. He was cool. He apologized repeatedly and assured me that I was still his girl (umm...only because I choose to be. Not the other way around. Don't get it twisted boo-boo.) Then he asked if he had to make it up to the house because, "I saw Toya and she seemed a little...aloof."

You are correct sir. When one grits, we all grit. We are the 369. The collective. I told him that it is true that Toya also was not checking for him. He promised that he was going to make it up to us...Riiiiiigggghhhhhtttt. He better be bringing all kinds of goodness to the table. 369 good graces are not easy to come by.

In the end, I'm glad that I called. This had the potential to be Gritfest 2004. I think we let little (and sometime big) grudges eat at us until we can hardly stand to be in the room with the person who's wronged us. The only problem with that is if you never say anything, the other person moves on and probably never knows that you are ready to "lay hands" on him (and not in the good way) if given the opportunity. In the long run it would have been me who was hurt the most by holding a grudge. Ben would have moved on without a backward glance and I would have been left wanting to trip him every time I saw him. And what good would that have done...?

Oh ...and I like how he threw this in at the end...
Ben: Well if you get a chance, give me a call later this week.
Me: Uhn-Uh...NOPE. You know where to find me. YOU CALL ME.
Ben: (again laughing) It's like that?
Me: Very much so. You made "this" like that.
B: Aight...I'm gonna call you.
M: Riiiiigghhht...I'll believe it when I see the phone light up and the screen says Ben Covington calling.

Sometimes I really don't get boys...


Sunday, November 21, 2004

Second First Impression - tia
(again, it's too late to think of a good title and SFI is the cd that's playing right now.)

Before I get into this post I have to comment on some other stuff

The Detroit/Indiana Melee
HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ron Artest needs to have his behind whooped. I don't care if a fan calls your mom a wh*** and a n****. You don't jump in the stands and dot their eye. (You catch them after the game when the cameras are off.) But for real, the way he hit that fan (apparently because the fan through a seemingly empty cup at him) was so uncalled for. It almost makes me not want to sit close at a game. But don't think I would turn down courtside Lakers or Heat tickets.

Felicity
Easily in my top 5 series of all time. I was all kinds of bummed when the show went of the air. But it needed to end. The drama was freakin' palpable. So much so that it was starting to make me tired.

Thank God for DVD though. I was actually home this weekend and didn't have to catch a flight or watch anyone's kids. So I decided that Saturday was Felicity day. After running some obligatory errands and handling some business I sat on the couch/floor from 2pm - 1am and watched Felicity (seasons 1-3) and ate some of my highly addictive cookies with some of my girls. I'm telling you, it was good times.

I learned a couple of things from watching
- The guy that I'm getting ready to post about is SOOOOOOO Ben.
- I am SUCH a Noel girl it's not even funny.

- Donald Faison is cuter than any one man should be.
- I can almost understand why Elena had a moment of weakness with Finn. Seriously, did you see him in the towel? SOOO wrong.

And now on with the post.

As I mentioned last week (I think) there was recently a guy. And I will not go into detail on his identity b/c Nashville is so 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon and if I say too much I know someone will figure out who I'm talking about. And I don't want people runnin' up on him. But I think as long a keep the indentifiers to a minimum everything should be okay.

So how the story goes, Dude calls me up late one night and explains that he might be feeling me. Cool. I'm feeling the same, so it works out. Fast forward a few weeks and I haven't heard from him. Not a huge deal because for once I was not an emotional slut (a girl who's easy in the emotions department; giving them away with out any sort of thought or remorse. ) So there was not a whole lot of love lost. We were friends first and I figured things would just go back to how they were. Ummmm......wrong.

We had dinner here last weekend for a friend of mine who is moving to Texas. I'd invited Dude over long before things got weird. I figured since I am a grown up I would leave the invitation out there. I'm cool and assumed he was too. Again...wrong. I sent out an email the Monday and Tuesday before to remind everyone to stop by on Saturday. Dude emailed me back and said that he had a prior engagement but would be by later that evening. About 2 hours into dinner I knew he wasn't coming. His loss. We do it right at the 369. We don't slack when we cook. We are not players...we do not play. You get one invitation to the 369 for dinner. If you can't make it for legit reasons, you're always welcome back another time. Blow us off though, you don't get another chance to come through.

Anyway, the next night a friend of mine ran into Dude. After the standard how-ya-doings, my friend casually brought up the fact that we'd missed Dude at dinner. Now let me preface this by saying that Dude is usually Mr. Smooth & Debonair. So you can imagine my friend's surprise when Dude began to turn red and stammer and mumble something about having to stay at his prior engagement (that we know for a fact ended no later than 9.) You can also imagine my friend's surprise when Dude began to back away from her and into a corner as if afraid that my friend was going to physically lash out at him. Now is it me or does his behavior seem a little sketchy?

My friend relayed this story while I was in St. Louis on business. (What's up Kevin) And as my friend is VERY animated, the story was all kinds of funny. But I'd pretty much stopped checkin' for Dude as b/f material a long time ago. So at best his actions were those of a slightly immature individual. Honestly, I didn't really think about it until the next time I saw Dude (who will be referred to as Ben from here out as what he did when he saw me was so Ben-like, it was ridiculous.)

I was standing talking to some friends when Ben walked in. As we were standing pretty much in the middle of the door it was impossible to miss me. So Ben dutifully walked up to me and said, "Tia, I'm so sorry about missing dinner. I...ummm...got the times mixed up and thought..umm...it was another time." He rambled on about getting the times mixed up for another 30 seconds or so. When I tell you that I wanted to reach out and touch him (translation dot his eye) I'm not kidding. I could not BELIEVE that he said it. I so wanted to believe that he really had gotten the times mixed up. But thanks to gmail.com I had the email that said he knew EXACTLY when it was. He finally just wandered off and I can't say that I was all unhappy with his departure.

I have relayed this story to a couple of my friends. None of which can believe that he went there. The shock of the whole situation pretty much carried me through the day. But then the pain of the situation set in. But let me explain why my feelings are hurt. I'm not hurt that it didn't work out b/w us. Or b/c he doesn't call anymore. Or even b/c he blew us off for dinner. My feelings are hurt b/c someone I thought was my friend appears to have lied to me. It sucks to be lied to. Because basically it means that the person telling the lie doesn't think enough of you as a person to grant you the basic courtesy of telling you the truth. When you break it down like that, it blows tremendously. I could care less if Ben doesn't like me. I'm a hot chick, someone else is going to like me. (Daniel Bedingfield, would be okay) But now my friendship with Ben is pretty much tainted. Now whenever I see him, which is EVERY WEEK (sometimes twice a week) , I will know that he didn't (doesn't?) value me as a friend. Of course I have forgiven him. It doesn't do me any good to hold a grudge. But it blows that someone who had the potential to be one of my roaddogs, one of my trues, one of my people, has now been relegated to "that dude I used to be real cool with."


Thursday, November 18, 2004

It's Not Right But It's Okay- Toya
I for one completely understand why Whitney is still so madly in love with Bobby Brown. In fact, I have always loved Bobby Brown. He is not troubled, only misunderstood.

There have been some craptacular (Tia word) things happen in the house as of late. Tia and Renee have both had family tragedies, a girl is trying to sabotage my job (little does she know that if she would have played it cool, she could have had it) and of course, I am still broke. However, all is well. I mean we all have a great amount of peace. We have had a few people over to pray for us at the house and there really is a great calm. This is outstanding considering that things have not gotten better but worse.

I am fasting today. Not food because I am PMSing and am pretty weak as it is. I am fasting the thing that means more to me than food:music. I have the whole day off and will be spending most of it at home until I meet a friend for coffee tonight and I must say that I would rather be starving. No one is in the house. There is nothing but silence and I really would rather be in the bed listening to Copeland on this dreary day (Cause you showed up with your hair down/I might not sleep tonight is possibly one of the best lyrics ever ever ever ever ever). I will make it. I am not even watching TV today. I am going to read (a book called Wasted on Jesus), meditate on God's word and cut out all excess noise. God help me. There is cookie dough ice cream in the freezer thanks to Tia. Gotta go.


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Nothing Hurts Like Love - tia
the only reason this is the title is because that's the name of the video that's playing right now and I'm too lazy and tired to think of anything applicable NOT because I'm all balled up in love-sadness or anything


Okay let me begin by saying that I would totally marry Daniel Bedingfield. Even though I’m clearly a good 5 inches taller than him and he doesn’t know that I’m alive. I would GLADLY be his trophy wife. And it has very little to do with him being British and almost nothing to do with the fact that in his new video the first girl that he kisses looks suspiciously like she may be Puerto Rican and the second girl is CLEARLY black. Before you go thinking Daniel has turned into a man whore, go watch his new video. Don’t miss the valley of dry bones reference at the very end.

A Godly, singing, English man…..if he skates or surfs…he’s mine.

Moving on…

Why is it that we want what we can not have? I was having a moment several days ago. Partly because I was watching a somewhat…ummm…shall we say “serious” episode of Felicity. (Caveat: I LOVE Felicity. Easily one of my favorite series of all time. Got a little suspect toward the end, but I guess it’s to be expected.) Ben rolled up on Felicity in such a special way and kissed the FOOL out of that girl. And at that exact moment, I remember thinking, “It’s been a REALLY long time since I’ve kissed someone. God, I’d like to kiss someone soon, if that would be at all possible.”

Do you ever think about the asinine things that we ask God for? And do you ever wonder why we don’t get them? For example, a few months ago a very handsome gentleman came calling. I won’t go into detail because half of the free world reads our site. People from our sister churches in California, New York, and London to name a few, read about our exploits and misadventures. And I won’t even talk about the people from right here in Nashville. Like the other day when I had this conversation:
Friend from church who reads website: Who is guy A?
Me …..Ummm…..I’d rather not say
Friend: Is it (insert CORRECT name here)?
Me: ummmmm….Yeah
F: RAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So for reasons of anonymity and respect I won’t go into detail lest someone figure out who I’m talking about and run up on dude.

Anyway, said gentleman made it clear that he was diggin’ the scene, diggin’on you, diggin’ on me. The feeling was mutual but we both have so much going on right now that it just wasn’t feasible. We talked for a few weeks then he disappeared and I was just kinda left wondering what happened. I wasn't weird, needy or clingy, so his David Copperfield impersonation was something of a mystery. As I began to talk to God about it, I became a little indignant. It went a little something like this:

God, I mean he’s everything I could have thought I wanted. I know now’s not a good time for either of us but later would be fine. I mean because when you really think about it God, it’s not like I don’t deserve him. Seriously, don’t you think it’s about time that I get what I’ve been asking for. I don’t really ask for all that much…

And on and on it went ad nauseam.

I began to wonder why I wasn’t getting what I was asking for. As Toya quoted me as saying, instead of prayer and petition, it was prayer and repetition. Never once did it dawn on me that maybe I didn’t need what I was asking for. OHHHH NOOOOO, I want what I want and I want it right now.

I think often we seek things from God because we feel that we deserve them. That it’s our, excuse the pun, God given right to have everything that we ask for and in a timely manner, if you please. So you can imagine my chagrin when God so lovingly allowed his word to smack me in my fairly prominent forehead like a sack of rocks.

Now, our God, hear the prayers and petitions of your servant. We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy.
Daniel 9:17-18


Don’t get it twisted boo-boo. You don’t get to make requests of God because you deserve too, but rather because he LETS you. Man, when I caught that revelation it was such a wah-waah moment. (please see my August 31st post for the definition of the wah-waah.) I realize that not only had I been a brat but I’d also turned God into a slot machine. Instead of seeking God, I was seeking God’s hand.

It is only because of God’s perfect faithfulness that we receive any of the good and perfect gifts that we get. And yet how readily do we grab what we’re given and then scan down to the next item on our lists.


Israel were instructed to take 12 stones from the river Jordan so that the people would never forget all that God had done for them. The stones were to be a reminder so that when the children asked what they were, the elders could tell of God’s faithfulness. As I read that, I began to thank God for all that he’s already given me. Not just the tangibles but also for the stuff you can’t necessarily see. Like freedom from my drug habit and numerous horrible relationships. Will I sit here and tell you that I’m never going to ask God for another thing. Heck no. I still want to kiss someone soon. But before I turn on the broken record of requests, I’ll think twice. Instead of begging I will praise. I’ll think about where I could have been, where I’m going and wait and see what’s next. And I don’t have to worry, because God gives good stuff.


Monday, November 8, 2004

Little Miracles Happen Everyday- Toya
I am going to need Luther Vandross to get well really quickly. I am still not doing well with his whole situation.

A friend of mine mentioned that she finally met Guy A. "He is totally not what I expected...he is (so) Theo Huxtable...". I laughed so hard. He wasn't what I expected either. I would have never purposely picked this guy to fall so hard for.

Guy A is not a sore subject anymore. Grant it, I haven't seen him since the dramatic store incident but I really am okay. In fact, just the other day I listened to Mary J. Blige's "My Life" which is a darn near suicidal, cry for help record for anyone with a broken heart that listens to it. It's one of my favorite records but I knew better than to even go near it with all that drama going on. Sade, I could do. Mary J. Blige ? They'd have to call one of our pastors to get me off the ledge. Okay, it's not that serious but that's an ill record and music does have a great effect on your spirit, I don't care what some of these irresponsible musicians are willing to admit.

I realized that with Guy A I was way too willing to change who I am. I'd be at shows or my favorite coffee shops or with some friends and I would be thinking of how we could never enjoy these things together. Grant it, he may have humored me to a point, but he wouldn't have been able to enjoy them. I was much too willing to be the Dharma to his Greg. Grant it, my life often plays out like mini episodes, but this is real life. More specifically, this is my life. That is not who I have been called to be.

I was recently asking God to help a friend to not be anxious for a husband. In the middle of interceding I straight up said to God "You know? We don't really do well with that 'Be anxious for nothing' bit from Phillipians 4:6-7. I don't know why you put that. Did you really think that women can do that?" And then immediately thereafter, almost like on a TV screen, the rest of the verse flashed in my mind:

but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Oh.

I brought this up to Tia and I think that she said that we often confuse prayer and supplication with prayer and repitition. Ouch! Also, a lot of times, we don't even wait for the peace of God because we pick that area of concern right back up. You can't hold onto anxiety and peace at the same time. It's impossible. Unbeknownst to me, I was about to experience exactly what this kind of peace feels like.

To save this person from embarrassment, he will remain nameless. Let's call him Guy B. I met Guy B a few years back and I didn't think too much of him. Nice guy, crazy talented but otherwise, pretty much non-descript. Well, unexpectedly, I recently got to spend a good amount of time with Guy B and after our first conversation about music, ministry and God's calling, I walked away and my heart felt really full. I couldn't quite describe it but I knew that something had just happened. Later on, we hung out some more and the Jan Brady thing started happening. You know when someone is talking and your head starts turning sideways because all of the sudden you start seeing someone in a totally different light? You just notice something glorious that you never noticed before? While we we walking it finally hit me: There are certain things about him that completely remind me of Jesus.

I know that sounds crazy, and I am NOT saying that this man is Jesus Christ. I mean, wouldn't every Christian want that to be said of them? That they remind someone of Jesus? What I am saying and have said before in a post I wrote last year called I Am In Love that was about how I think men are just the greatest, is that there is a certain type of kindness and gentle strength in certain men that I have always pictured Jesus as having. This isn't something that I saw in Guy A. Now don't get me wrong, Guy A is a godly man. He loves the Lord and is without a doubt one of the friendliest guys you could ever meet. But what I believe God was reminding me was that there are desires in my heart and attributes that I am attracted to because He put them there and they are not to be compromised. Oh and what is so great and is SO God is that I don't have a crush on Guy B nor do I have any type of romantic feelings towards him. Truth be told, he really is not my type over all and he has a girlfriend and has for some time now. That is why I believe God had to show me this through him. Otherwise, if he was my type and available (let's be honest, if he was all but married) I'd be head over heels in confusion. Thank God that didn't happen because I would have completely missed the point.

In no way did I walk away from him feeling that all the great men are taken. I walked away praising God that He showed me how beautiful is the heart of a man that truly loves Him and wants to do His will. I walked away thanking God for reminding me of all the things that I find so endearing about men in just in one night and in just one person: the way they talk, the way they smell; how their faces are chiseled and so strong; The way they are built, the way they think and express concern in a way that only men can. I love being a girl. I'd have it no other way.

There aren't too many people that you meet and walk away feeling that you are a better person for having spent time with them. I drove off that night talking to God saying "Ooooooh, I get it. That is what you meant about giving us the desires of our hearts. That is what you meant about having faith in what we do not see." Then I put it all together: Guy B is by no means a perfect man but has a heart of gold, chaste, he's a true gentleman and sexy as all get out. See, the God I serve, that is the kind of man he delivers. I am not saying that my husband has to be a rock star (It'd be nice if he was musically inclined though. I'd actually settle for him being able to only play "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure on guitar and sing it to me). What I am saying is exactly what I told God in the car that night: I would wait forever for the man he has for me because I know that he will be no less amazing. That released all the anxiety I had left in me and that is when the peace of God came.

Guy B is a special kind of man. The kind of person that you meet and immediately want the best for and becomes one of those people that stay on your heart to pray for. The kind of guy that when he gets married and you meet his wife, you smile at her knowing she is one blessed woman. You can't hate on her. Especially if you are secure in that peace that only God can give that you will be blessed just as well.


Kid A-Toya
John Mayer redid this on one of his imports. I love him. He's the homie.

During the time that I had the flu (in between the times where I thought I was dying) I did a good amount of self evaluation and lost about 8 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm not mad at that. I truly needed a mental break. I had recently told Renee that I was going on hiatus from handling any of her business so she has been handling shows and such and I just show up and DJ until about December 1st. I also had to break the news to both Tia and Renee that I was seriously considering leaving Nashville and moving back home for six months, not because I wanted to but because I thought that I had to. I have never been so behind financially in my entire life and it didn't seem to be getting better. In fact as of late, it has gotten worse. I didn't know what to do but I know that I had to do something. I kept telling myself that my time to grow up should have started years ago. I felt that I had hit rock bottom and that I should humbly move back and get myself together.

On top of that, I felt as if I was not entirely happy with who I am. I was taking turning 30 pretty hard. Not being married at this point really hasn't bothered me because I honestly thought "Why would I want to put somebody through that right now? I don't even know who I am. How can I expect someone to like me. I don't even like me." Always one to to wave the big ol' Be Yourself banner (me and good ol' Kevin Max...*sigh), I have no problem encouraging others to accept their own idiosyncrasies. However, I seemed to be becoming more and more annoyed with myself for not attaining a certain status and was co-signing everything the devil was whispering in my ear about me being sub-par. I started hating the fact that I looked so young for my age which is a huge blessing. I even started questioning the diversity of my tastes in just about everything. This is your life/are you who you want to be kept ringing in my ears. I didn't really have an answer. I just kept thinking that somehow, some way I was incapable of being a functioning adult. I would always be a big kid. Strangely enough, I started hating myself for being happy. It just seemed like it made no sense for me to be so care free with so many faults, failures and setbacks. It seemed that being serious, overly analytical and self deprecating was the adult thing to do; treating myself to a nice bowl of ice cream, wearing my hair in afro puffs, hoping everything would blow over was definitely NOT the adult thing to do.

And then the lights came on and I saw that there is a balance. While I am always asking God to speak to my heart directly, He knows where I am. I question EVERYTHING-was that me, Lord, or was that You? Until I grow more in that area, He is gracious and faithful to work with me where I am. I have a friend that within the past few weeks, I have been fortunate enough to spend a good amount of time with. She is a rather close friend that is undeniably, unregrettfully herself in every way. Like myself, she is a big kid and musically almost as eclectic as I. But I will say this about her: she takes care of her business. She is a no nonsense kind of girl. Sweet as pie, believe me but she's been in the industry for a while, is well respected and knows how to put her foot down. She knows what she's worth and she knows who she is. She is super duper fun and absolutely no joke all at the same time. I have learned from her that it doesn't have to be either or. I don't have to forsake bubble gum and sparkly eyeshadow for caviar (blecch!) and business suits if that is not what I am feeling. I have to be me but I have to be responsible.

I will say this: I have made some poor choices this year. I have made some mistakes. My attitude has gotten my butt in more trouble this year than when I was about 5 years old and was getting my tail whooped almost every day after school for back talking. I have had more humbling situations than ever before in my life and the most recurring lesson has been this:God is in control. When I was sick and missing days at work, I prayed "I know I am getting this money back right? You know I'm broke. I can't even sweat this. I can't do anything about it." Just like I can't and shouldn't want to change how God made me. There is nothing wrong with me and it is quite alright to be happy when things seem to be crumbling all around me. That is what true joy is. That's what God gives. Why should anyone despise that? However, there is a difference between joy and flat out denial. My bills are not going to pay themselves so I have to make some decisions and quickly. That doesn't mean that I can't read the comics and enjoy a good Van Halen song (I mean, Why CAN'T This Be Love? *sigh...Sammy Hagar...).

I guess what I am trying to say is this: Adult Toya is not "listen to one genre of music, go back to school and become an accountant" Toya (like THAT would ever happen). Adult Toya is me, right here, right now (okay no more Van Halen references). As much as it is hard to admit because this is not how I pictured myself as an adult, this is me as an adult. And it's pretty awesome! I truly was not allowing myself to enjoy it because in the back of my mind I felt like I was behind or trying to catch up on all the fun I couldn't have in high school or college. Not only am I not who I thought I would be at this point in my life, I am BETTER than I thought I would be at this point in my life. Praise God! I shouldn't make apologies for my age, how I look, how I dress or where I work. This is my life. This is who I want to be. I am so thankful for where God has brought me to at this point in my life. If I had it my way, I would have married the wrong guy, I would be back in Jersey and I would have no clue what truly living a life that is solely depending on God and not my dad or any other man is like. This is my life and it's a good time.
Itching for a Scratch- Toya
I can't believe I DJ and I can't remember who performed this song.

After suffering from the flu for a week and missing a really good amount of pay because my job offers no sick days (which is why I am updating my resume' RIGHT after I am done typing this) I was forced to go to Wild Oats to get some herbal relief. It was my last resort. Wild Oats is what a friend of mine calls "so granola". I love it. It's so organic. Like when you read those Martha Stewart recipes and they call for stuff that you have NEVER heard of before and seriously doubt you could buy at Kroger or Super-Walmart, chances are you could find it at Wild Oats. So aching with pain and a 101 degree temperature, I beseeched one of the employees to give me something, ANYTHING for the love of God, to help knock the flu out. She offered these fabulous wellness tablets that contained Echinacea, Golden Seal, and some other goodness in them and in 2 days I was better than ever, throwing my rock finger in the air while watching Anberlin and Story of the Year. And then, duhn duhn duuuuhhhn...

2 days after taking these pills, I was at work and had a sudden allergic reaction; my mouth started itching and I broke out in hives. My arm looked like I had been beaten with a good ol' fashioned switch. My fingers became swollen and purple and itched as if someone had spilled itching powder all over them. At first, I didn't make a big deal out of it. Honestly, I switched over to some really cheap detergent and thought that I was allergic to it. However, I had washed my sheets in this detergent and was fine the whole week I had the flu. I didn't make too much of a big deal out of this for two reasons: 1) I am queen of ignore and deny. I just hoped it would go away. 2) I was really scared. I felt that I was suddenly being attacked with these back to back afflictions. I would wake up in the middle of the night scratching my scalp, my arms and legs. I wasn't getting enough sleep and thought that this would surely confirm something that I had secretly assumed all along: I was crazy.

Friday I woke up and had problems breathing. I had finally had enough. My fingers were purple and swollen and I felt like I had chicken pox, perhaps shingles because half the time I was scratching something I couldn't see. "You really should start taking care of yourself, Toya" Tia said as I lay in the bed pondering my demise, wondering what on earth did I do to deserve all of this. She noted that I was staying up late at night and truth be told, I am not 20 anymore. Normally, I would be really salty about this but truthfully I didn't have it in me to take it to heart; I was certifiably losing my mind. I was scratching, I was breaking out in hives for what seemed to be no apparent reason and was in a state of borderline delirium. Then I remembered something: a girl that I worked with mentioned that she was allergic to Echinacea. As I remembered this conversation, I got out of the bed, ran to my laptop and looked up Echinacea allergies. I had all of the symptoms.

I called Tia, who had a sudden revelation. "You ARE allergic to echinacea!" "I am? Why are you so sure?" She recounted when we worked together and I wasn't feeling well. A coworker gave me some echinacea tea and my mouth started itching. This is how my allergic reactions normally start; my lips itch, my throat itches and then my entire mouth. EXACTLY what happened at work a few days back. Thank God I have friends with memories because I very vaguely remember this.

So I spent the whole day drinking water trying to get this out of my system. To tell the truth, I was very happy. No one wants to just start randomly scratching, walking around looking like a lost crack head for no apparent reason. I am much better now except for the occasional itch and I have no idea when this will completely go away. All that to say, if anyone reading this is allergic to ragweed, grass and/or pollen LEAVE ECHINACEA ALONE. I am really glad to not have the flu but not at all pleased with having to put up with this insanity.


Monday, November 1, 2004

Lost One
tia

If one were to look up the word SPAZ in the dictionary I'm almost convinced that there would be a picture of me there.

So, one of our very good friends, who shall remain nameless as just about everyone I know reads our blog and I wouldn't want this person to get in trouble, totally hooked us up and got us into the Anberlin/Story of the Year show. In case you didn't know, we are HUGE fans of Anberlin and I am an even bigger fan of their lead singer. The show was SOOOOOOOOOO fresh. They are without question in my top five favourite rock backs of all time. (Someone asked me tonight who else was in the top five. I would have to get back to you on that. Toya came up with some good ones but I think it would be easier if I broke it down by genres. I digress.) Anberlin rocks in such a pivotal way. I'm talking hand(s) in the air, eyes closed screaming the lyrics at the top of your lungs type of rock. Stephen, the lead singer, has such an awesome voice. Their shows are good times all the way around.

Anyway, after the show Toya and I were standing around talking to some people we knew. Not so much waiting on anyone, as just milling about planning the next move. I needed to leave as I have to get up at 5 tomorrow so that I can go vote and then catch my flight. So I was about to bounce. It was as I was leaning over to tell Toya that I wanted to leave but I knew that Stephen was going to walk through the door the minute I left, that he walked through the door. Now what you gotta understand is I don't usually spaz over celebrities. Their just people too. But for some unknown reason I'm so intrigued by this man. Maybe it's because I know that not only does he love Jesus, but he is a rocker guy. Whatever the case, I pretty much lost all composure when I saw him. Toya being the good friend that she is had pretty much had enough. She walks over, drags him to where I'm standing and says, "Tia, here's Stephen." When I tell you that my brain totally shut down for about 3 seconds believe that.

Now, me being me, I had enough good sense to say very little lest I just blurt out how great I think he is and how awesome I think the band is. I figured less was more in this situation. So I just stuck out my hand. You know the friendly, cursory, hand shake, that says "I know you but I'm not sure you remember me and so I'm going to keep a safe distance." So I was sorta shocked when he looked at my hand like "what is that for?" He leaned over and said, "What? Are we going to disintegrate if we touch?" Then he leaned over and gave me a hug. I think his normalcy made me calm down. After the obligatory "How ya beens?" a "real" fan walked up and wanted to get a picture. (Which I happily took for her.) And as he played the part of the gracious rocker I eased over to Toya and tried to figure out how to start breathing again.

Seriously, I'm NEVER like that. Flabbergasted, Vaklemp, Starstruck, that's not me. I wish I could figure out what is that makes me turn to Jell-o around this guy. You ever feel like you missed a moment? Am I going to forever be "that chick?" Did I blow my opportunity to be seen as, well, not a freak?

Ahh well....Nothing I can do about it now.