Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Monday, December 20, 2004
And then she responded - tia
Anne wanted to know what I had to say about the nonsence that Toya referenced in the post below...well.....
Honestly, we can't type what I wanted to say as it was not Godly and I had to repent for just thinking it. Basically I was pissed. I grew up my entire life having to defend my choices in music and men. At this point in my life I am way too old to have to explain myself to anyone. I don't have the time. And quite frankly I don't understand why I have to. To me it's like asking someone why they like the colour blue. They like it because they do. I have dated across the board but the majority of the men that I have dated have been white. You don't like it..Sucks for you, 'cuz frankly I DON'T CARE. I make no apologies for who I am or what I like. Toya is one of best friends and she's black. Jenn is one of my best friends and she's white. Sery is one of best friends and she's Asian. I refuse to let anyone put me in a box and tell me what I have to be so that I can be acceptable according to some incorrect stereotype. That all of my friends, love interests and musical choices have to be black is just stupid. Yeah, if things go the way they have been going I will probably marry a white guy. Will that make me any less black? HECK NO. I respect the hustle. I respect the struggle. I acknowledge the situation. And at the end of the day BLACK IS STILL BEAUTIFUL. I hate that people think that people like me are self-deprecating and hate who they are. God made me black and quite frankly I would have it no other way. I want nothing more than to see people be who they were created to be. Don't be them, be you because no one can do you LIKE you.
This girl said that she didn't understand dating white boys. Then DON'T. It's probably not for you. But don't put people on blast because you don't agree with their choices. When you do that you elevate yourself to a perceived position of greatness that says that your opinions/choices are better and thus more valid the person you're disparaging. Think Hitler.
Like what you like. Be who you are. Don't make apologies for it. Men are beautiful...black, white, Asian, Puerto Rican whatever. You're not a sellout/Oreo or any less black because you kick with Seth or Ty instead of JaMarc. I hold all men to the same standard...HIGH. I can't change what I like and wouldn't if I could. I've stopped trying to explain it to people. It is what it is. Don't accuse me of "not giving a brother a chance." Don't tell me that I need to be blacker. Don't tell me that I'm a sell-out. DO NOT call me a white girl. Because every morning when I get up I see me. A BLACK WOMAN. And every morning it's good to be me. I am still a black woman when I go out with "Josh." I'm still a black woman when I blast Poison in my car. I'm still a black woman when I hop on that skateboard. What I do, listen to and who I date don't make me any less black. But what you say, think and how you act make you that much more of a small minded, pig headed, short-sighted HATER.
So to all those people poppin' all that yang...I say this to you: SAVE IT!!! DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT bring that noise to the table in the '05. Because this is the last time that I am going to be nice. Save your dashiki wearing, holier than thou, I'm blacker than you nonsense for someone else. Because it's not only old it's played and trite. We don't need that here. And I say this with all sincerity, the next time someone comes with all that noise, I WILL NOT be so kind. I have officially reached my limit on small minded thinking. I live in the south for crying out loud. I have to deal with small minded racist behaviour every day. Round these parts we call them KLAN. I will not tolerate it from my own folks. Don't nobody bring me no bad news. You don't like what we do, what we say, how we think, who we date...THEN BOUNCE. But if it's brought to the table again know that all rights to civility have been relinquished.
DISCLAIMER: Beginning Jan 1, 2005 (or henceforth should the occasion arise prior to the aforementioned date) all persons bringing undue, unjust, or unnecessary commentary with regard to the "blackness" (as defined in section iv, part 231, paragraph 9a of the BGLU charter) of the sole proprietors of www.blackgirlslikeus.com, BGLU.com, BGLU and all its parts and subsidiaries, hereby affirm that they relinquish all rights, privileges and freedoms to anonymity, kindness and general common courtesies awarded antecedently. All solicitors of small-minded, unnecessary hate, grit, and/or stupidity are subject to BLAST, reciprocal grit and all other obiter dictum as deemed appropriate by the persons of Tia and/or Toya.
Translation: You bring the nonsense, I put you on BLAST. See if I'm playin'. I am so sincere.
In the words of Eaz-E
Learn a leasson from the EAZ, stay in your place and don't step to real Compton city G's.
Merry Christmas and Happy Kwanzaa!!!!
Sunday, December 19, 2004
I really miss the 90's. I miss BBD. I miss airbrushed denim overalls and girls that actually danced in videos and didn't look like they were kidnapped from a strip club.
We almost went a whole year without getting one of these emails and then lo and behold, Merry Christmas to BGLU! I was starting to wonder actually. I opened up our email account to this, this afternoon:
Although I find your blogs to be interesting, I find black girls like you be ________??? Where I come from and live, we call black girlslike you “Oreos”--black on the outside and white in the inside. I too like the kind of music that you two like, but I can not understand liking white boys. That is too complicated for me. Nothing is more attracted, desirable, tangible, and delicious than a black man. A white boy can never pull off the street smarts, confidence and poise that brothas can. You two woman do have a way with words, which makes my mind tickles. But you seem less black to me and more Eurocentric. So what blacks are you more like???? As I am reading back this e-mail, I am really hoping that I have not offended the two of you,because I do love my sistas and wish all black people the best. Take it easy Queens!
I almost want to write up one of those form letters to explain our stance on this trite issue. Honestly, you would think that we had named our website "White Boys are #1" by some of the emails we have gotten. To me, when someone suggests that you are an Oreo, they are suggesting that you don't know or you are ashamed of who you are. And I am not to be offended by that assumption because why? So this is my response and will continue to be my response as long as I am black...and hopefully that will be a long, long time.
Umm, how long have you been reading our blog? Surely not that long.
This is Toya and I have been pretty vocal about my desire to marry a black man. My problem with your email is that no matter how often I could say that, it would still bother you that we find some white men (and spanish men and asian men) attractive.
My answer to you is simply this: we are heterosexual. Period. We love men. Period. We love all men, all colors, all shapes, all sizes.
As far as your comment,
"Nothing is more attracted, desirable, tangible, and delicious than a black man."
I agree with that 100%. I would choose Mos Def over Matthew McConaughey anyday of the week but that doesn't mean that I don't think that McConaughey is attractive. Furthermore, I don't think that us finding men of other races attractive makes us less black but Eurocentric. Funny enough, I am very familiar with the term Oreo based on the fact that I heard that quite a bit in high school because of the music I liked and not because I dated white boys because I didn't date any in high school. Since you claim to like the same music we do, I wonder if you have hear the same about yourself.
How on earth does our preference to appreciate men from all genres make us less black? Is a white girl who prefers to date only black men less white? It is this kind of mentality that bothers me and it crosses all races. I have had more white people try to persuade me into thinking that they were just as black as I am because they prefer to date black people and listen to black music. That means nothing to me. They can't identify with our struggle. Those things are a matter of preference but until a white girl is overlooked for a job because she dates a guy that looks like LL and listens to Snoop Dogg...even if she WAS overlooked for those reasons, I am not at all inclined to dub her as being black at all. As much as you say that you did not wish to offend us with your email, know that I am very offended by your email.
But your original question was, black girls like who? The answer is black girls like the hundreds of girls that read our website daily and email us with thank yous saying that we express the exact way they feel. We do not speak nor try to represent every black woman. Every woman is unique in her own way. We may not be a black girl like you, but we are just as black. Preference of music, men, clothes, or anything else cannot dictate how black a person is.
I don't even want to tell yall what Tia wanted to say.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Making “Love” Out of Nothing At All- Toya
How do you not love Air Supply? I really can’t understand. They bring me so many glad tidings of great joy. I mean “Even the Nights Are Better”, “All Out of Love”…classics, I tell you.
This is not another estrogen driven crazy tirade of mine about the anxieties of being a single, woman that got her heart trampled on this year. Well, I am not through writing yet so that is yet to be proven. What I will say that even if it is, it is the last.
From here on out, I am not crushing, discussing crushes, talking about marriage or the like until there is actually something to talk about. This is not a New Year’s resolution but a self-imposed mandate that I enforced after having a conversation with Tiffany. I was in the middle of a story, a good one, about someone I was interested in (does it EVER end? You would think I would want a break) and she interrupted me. “Stop”, she said. “Did you apply for school yet?” I told her that I didn’t get the brochure that I requested in the mail yet. She asked why I didn’t just go up there and get it. “I guess I could.” All that to say, I was glad that she set me straight because I found myself doing “it”…again.
Women do “it” often. We get together and somehow we start talking about husbands…that we don’t have. We talk about relationships…that we don’t have. It becomes sort of a wish club that turns into a gripe session at times. “Why don’t the guys at church ask us out? What are we supposed to do?” I have heard this time and time again and not just within my own church. Guys don’t ask women out because they don’t want to; I don’t care if it’s within the church, mosque, temple, whatever. My dad told me that he and my uncle never dated girls within their high school, mostly because they were trying to keep their scheming on the low. But one day my dad found a girl that he was willing to break that rule for and he asked her out, even though she couldn’t stand him. They went out and four years later, got married. Four years later, they had me and 30 years later, they are still married.
All of that to say, there has been much ado about nothing; things that could have been, should have been, isn’t, wasn’t and aint ever gonna be; situations that we should be thanking God on our hands and knees never really turned into anything instead of mulling them over and over in our minds, torturing ourselves with memories and daydreaming. Sure sometimes we need to talk things out but let’s face it; a lot of us women encourage these broken record conversations. I don’t even want to talk about this kind of stuff anymore.
A few nights ago, after I found out that “Purple Suit Man in the Mall” is a jerk (won’t even go into that on the World Wide Web. Grand openin’, grand closin’.), I was driving home thinking “Thank God, that isn’t what I wanted anyway.” Then I started thinking about life in general and asked myself what was it that I really did want. I thought about it a little bit but had a hard time sleeping for a few nights until I made myself get up and write it down in my journal. I came up with some surprises as to what my dreams were and what they weren’t. Then something came to me to write down what I wanted in a husband. “Why?” I thought. “What girl hasn’t done that 85 times?” But nonetheless I made my list one last time; it was the first time I had done so in about 4 years. When I read it, I had a revelation that scared the crap out of me so badly, I quickly shut my journal and went straight to sleep. I won’t even discuss it.
I’ve enlisted the help of my closest friends to keep me accountable. I am not to talk about, ramble about or be verbally anxious about potential relationships. If there aint nothin’ going on, there aint nothin’ to talk about. Unless something is REALLY about to pop off, the topic is off limits. I won’t even allow myself to think about it. I have had to change what I listen to and what I watch. This is HARD. I am a crusher! I admit it. But it takes up too much mind space. There are so many other things to be concerned with. I have all of this crazy stuff going on at work, I have people that need to be prayed for and *sigh.
All that to say, I want to encourage women to keep each other in check. If your girl starts getting that starry, glazed look in her eyes while talking about a guy that looked at her twice and gave her a real friendly hello, sidestep and ask her how her quiet time with God has been. Ask her how she is doing with those things that she so earnestly asked you to pray about or has voiced concerns over: finance, weight, employment, etc. A lot of times, worrying about a potential future relationship is easier than dealing with the things that we really do have control over now. Women often use that as an escape. So let’s let loose that tough love. Tia is great at it. She won’t humor me AT ALL. I have a guy friend, one of my married ones that has not moved across the country, who has agreed to burst my bubble if I get ridiculous.
So as it stands, unless I am dating someone I will not be posting anything boy related outside of my Toya’s Boyfriend of the Month of course, which is STILL Mos Def. I think he has been it since August but I can’t help it. I just can’t shake him. Oh but since this is the last post, I must write the following to get some closure:
- From what I hear, Guy A is most likely getting engaged soon. I ran into him and his girlfriend at a store recently and while he is a great guy, he is not MY great guy. He was talking to me and I thought “Wow, your face has absolutely no effect on me anymore.” I am not going to lie and say that it still doesn’t sting a little but I have forgiven him and myself and am happy for them both.
- My “He’s Just Not That into You” guy has overstayed his welcome. Honestly, it’s been 3 years. Buh-bye.
- Okay, so I never talked about this but I did have a crush on a guy at work and well, I can’t even SEE him now as well as about at least 4 other crushes that I never wrote about.
Anybody else see how bad this was? Boy crazy! Out of control. I don’t want to talk about husbands. I don’t want to hear about how he’s coming soon and I don’t want to talk about how I can’t wait to have someone fix stuff around my house. I am tired of sounding like a little kid at a recess the last day before Christmas vacation talking about what they hope Santa brings them. “I really hope Santa brings me the truck I want in red and not blue. And when I get it, I will play with it all day and I will take it to school for show and tell and it will be awesome. Just like the commercial. But what if I never get it? I never did get that pony I asked for either. Oh, I probably won’t get it.” Their parents have already picked the gifts out. The best that they can do is continue to be nice and not naughty, be thankful that they are getting any gifts at all and try their best to sleep soundly through the night on Christmas Eve. Truthfully, that is about the best that I can do right now too.
Monday, December 13, 2004
A lot of things sucked this year but then again, a lot of things didn't. Notice I did not spell "favorite" with a U because I recognize that I am not British, unlike some people who are clearly in denial. Come on Annie Mae Bullock. You know who you are (love you!)
Because Tia and I share part of the same brain, we both thought of doing our favorites list for 2004. Right when she mentioned it, I was starting to ask her if she wanted to do one together. I don't know why I thought they would be similar. We are very different in a lot of ways. Nonetheless, here is my take on my favorite 2004 moments.
1. Meeting John Mayer- CLEARLY that didn't suck. Waiting outside for 3 hours did but finally getting to meet one of my favorite songwriters of all time and being able to thank him was a huge blessing. Honorable mention: The "John Mayer has a Show" show that was on VH1. If you are a fan and have not seen it, you want to check your local listings for it. I was rolling on the floor, laughing my behind off. He is CRAZY. There is a segment with him and Trick Daddy walking in downtown Nashville and they perform together in the middle afternoon at a honkytonk bar on Broadway. Tia just looked at me with a look on her face that read "Why were we not there? How did this slip past us?" I looked at her and said "If we went downtown mid-afternoon and saw John Mayer AND Trick Daddy performing in a honkytonk bar, we would have thought we were high. That's why."
2. Alicia Keys CD- My favorite CD of the year. I honestly wasn't feeling her before this CD and now I absolutely looooove it. And of course the video for "You Don't Know My Name" is definitely my choice for the Video of the Year. I stopped breathing for a good 5 seconds when I first saw Mos Def walk through the door. Honorable mention- Brandy's "Afrodisiac". AMAZING.
3. The Dethroning of Justin Timberlake- Yes, I play Justin's CD at work almost everyday and yes it is one of my favorite CD's ever. Justin just has this Eddie Haskell thing about him that annoys me to no end. So it was nice to see Usher shine this year. He deserves it.
4. Favorite Phrase- "He's Just Not that Into You". Grant it, it feels like a big blow to the stomach but nothing sets you free like the hard truth.
5. Favorite Plot Twist- Hyde (That 70's Show) is half black. And now, it all makes sense.
6. Favorite Guilty Pleasure Songs- I don't think I have just one so I will name my top 5:
- "Ocean Avenue"- Yellowcard
-"Pieces of Me"- Ashley Simpson
-"Drop It Like It's Hot"- Snoop Dogg
-Any Avril Lavigne Song
-"True" (?)- Ryan Cabrrerra...I am so, sooooooo ashamed
7. Favorite Tia Moment- "Hello, Ben Covington". She knows what I mean. I almost had a heart attack it was so funny.
8. Favorite Concert Moment- Stephen from Anberlin whispering "Dance all night, dance all night" with his back to the crowd. My admiration for Stephen has never been anywhere near the level of Tia's but we almost had a Rick Springfield incident, I swear. Mercy!
9. Favorite Plot Twist in "Absolutely No Sex in the City" ie my life- The identity of Random Nashville Guy. So freaking funny! I hung out with him not too long ago but never wrote about it. No need to actually. As BB King so appropriately put it "The Thrill is Gone".
10. Favorite God Moment- I learned a lot of hard lessons this year and some things were painful to go through. However, the fact that God loves me enough to teach me these lessons and to see me through them is humbling. Why would God want to spend any amount of time on a knucklehead like me? God's love definitely was my favorite thing of 2004.
2004 was a-ight. A lot of good things happened this year. There were a lot of great lessons learned and I found out that I have the best set of friends anyone could ever dream of. Oh and I am now a size 9 (down from 14)! Lord willing, 2005 will be a much needed break from all of the drama from this past year.
Every year Oprah does a favourite things show. She gives away a ridiculous amount of really cool gifts to her unsuspecting audience members. It's the highlight of their holiday season. For the rest of us it's just another opportunity to grit on how much money Oprah has. I think I'm just salty because I've never been on the favourite things show.
Anyway, in the spirit of giving I thought I would "give" you some of my favourite things. Translation: Yet another opportunity to talk about myself.
Side Note: Does anyone else with a blog feel just slightly self-involved by the whole idea of blogging and the like? Because when you get down to the heart of the matter all blogs are are a place for someone to discuss the (sometimes) mundane thoughts, issues and events of their life. Granted, the life of a BGLU is never dull (from the Rick Springfield mauling to Matt Morris copin' a feel.) But I guess I don't quite grasp the reasoning behind complete strangers wanting to read about us...Moving On
Favourite Things of 2004
Yes, an individual made the list. I have a had a crush on Stephen from Anberlin for about a year and a half now. I love that he radiates Christ while simultaneously being one the freshest rocker guys that I have most recently met. Besides being something of a deep thinker, he can sing the FOOL out of The Cure's Love Song. What more do you need? (by the way, if I see ANY of the members of 311 in the street they are soooo due for a butt-whoopin' for what they did to that song. Whose idea was it to sing Love Song to a reggae beat? Isn't that against the law?) Stephen is soooo fresh and as such he not only makes the list of favourite things of 2004 but he also garners the title Favourite Crush of 2004.
Motley Crue Reunited
Last week during my daily reading of CNN.com I saw the headline: Original M.C. reunited. I honestly can't tell you how excited that made me. Vince and Tommy...together...playing hits. I called Toya and she said, "We're so going." How could we not? The only thing that could make the show better is if M.C. went on tour with Poison. Tommy, Bobby, Nikki and Brett. (Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike....) This brown girl would be ecstatic. I can't wait for the concert season to begin.
Favourite Saying of 2004
People say some funny stuff. From the Wah-Waah to The Crescendo, funny sayings have been in no short supply this year. But my all time favourite came from my girl Katie. When I inquired about her sister's boyfriend she stated, "Mandy sits on a throne of lies." I don't know why, but that is easily the funniest thing that I have heard all year. The fact that you have told so many lies that you now have a sufficient enough amount to construct not only a seat but a throne is freakin' hilarious. I think it's funny because I know some many who sit on the throne. To protect the not so innocent I will not name names.
So should the appropriate situation arise, feel free to tell someone that they sit on a throne of lies. It will not only make you feel better but it may make the person think twice before speaking again. If they insist on talking you can inform them that they sleep in a bed of lies.
This would have to be the Sting Concert on Labor Day. GOOOOOOOD TIMES. Sting is...danggit, he's Sting. Enough said. He sings hits. He clearly favours one of his BLACK back-up singers. And he's freakin' British. Aside from the 2 girls sitting next to us making out, this was the best concert of the season. Annie Lennox was amazing, but I have waited most of my life to see Sting. From the time I heard Roxanne when I was 4, I knew that I had to see him live and in person. And should I ever get an opportunity to see The Police I will be there. With the exception of Christ's Return there's not too much I can think of that would keep me from that show. I would sell one of my brothers if need be.
Without a second thought it's Daniel Bedingfield Second First Impression. Because I recently posted extensively on how I feel about Mr. Bedingfield, I will refrain from going into greater detail. But if anyone knows him, please let him know that I would LOVE to holla.
I know that there are more favourites. But seeing as how my job pays me to work, not to post, I feel that I should uphold my end of the bargain....More to follow
Sunday, December 12, 2004
This song is so heartbreaking and so real for every woman I have ever known. Something is so wrong with Phil Collins. Side note:The Postal Service redid Against All Odds and I think it is truly fresh.
"God, I am giving you my heart. Take it from me and don't give it back to me to give to someone else unless you say it's time." I prayed this this morning in church after I asked myself what my soul's posture towards God is right now. This is a question I ask myself from time to time. I envision myself in front of Christ and think about how my attitude is towards him at the moment: is my back towards him not trying to hear him at all? Do I have my arms up towards him like a toddler begging him to hold me? Is he holding me like a young mother with a baby on her hip whose child's head is resting on her chest? Or am I sitting on the ground attentively listening to everything he has to say? Today is different. I picture myself sitting at his side with his hand on my back as if I am on the sidelines in a basketball game. I am waiting for him to put me in, not wanting to move before he says it's time because I have so many fouls (all offensive fouls, no doubt) that just two more will get me fouled out of the game. I am waiting on EVERYTHING right now. There is so much uncertainty with my career, where I am going to live, and so many other things. I have no choice but to wait.
The bible is so true in what it says about the heart being deceptive because it acts so irrationally at times. I came home last night angry as could be and asked Tia how it is at all possible to have feelings for someone that has dissed the hell out of you on more than one occasion. It makes no sense. ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE. And it seems to go back to this: my mind says "Screw him" but my heart says "Remember how he made you feel when..." My heart seems to live on the past and a false future and very rarely, if ever, the present: the was and the could be in a perfect world but very rarely the very real reality of the now. And while I can't control that, I can control my actions until my heart decides to get with the program.
I like how it says in the bible that a single woman is to be focused on how she can please the Lord. I don't think it says that so we can all live as nuns. I believe it says that so God can have our absolute attention to show his love for us and to strengthen and prepare us. Also, obviously because he is worthy of all the affection. But still, if I kept my focus on how I could please God, everything else would just fall into place. Am I pleasing God while shopping in the mall while I need to be at my counter at the ungodly hour of 10 pm (cursed holiday hours)? Not really. Am I pleasing God by being selfish and completely checking out mentally when someone I really don't want to talk to really wants to talk to me? Not at all. Am I pleasing God by immediately making an idol out of someone that shows me a little attention? According to the Ten Commandments, not so much. Like Lauryn said, it could all be so simple but we'd rather make it hard.
I remember driving home late one night after being at a guy's house where I had no business being. I went there because I had a fight with my dad and as girly as it sounds I just wanted to be held. Making out was just a means to an end. As I was driving home in the rain, "Hold on My Heart " came on and I sniffled and fought back the tears the whole way home. The part of the song that killed me was
Hold on my heart
Just hold on to that feeling
We both know we’ve been here before
We both know what can happen
Realistically I knew that nothing good could happen. Not when you are trying to heal spiritual problems by physical means. That only produces temporary alleviation and if anything hinders the whole healing process. All that to say is that God wants for me things that are going to last. The more I jump the gun and try to fill in my time with temporary satisfaction (new clothes, new jewelry, new boys to crush on) the longer it is going to take for me to be where I need to be because now this new mess has to get cleaned up. So now all I can do is wait to get back in the game.
Thursday, December 9, 2004
Electric Six redid Queen's Radio Ga-Ga. Can't they just leave Freddie alone? I don't entirely hate it but I don't love it. I know one thing: if Nelly touches a Queen song with even a 50 ft pool, he needs to be flogged in the streets.
Soon after watching the infamous Oprah Winfrey Show with the author of "He's Just Not That Into You", I was put to the test almost immediately. After watching it, I felt both empowered and honestly a bit dumb. He didn't say anything that I didn't already know but I so wished that I would have heard what he had to say back in the day (See post entitled "The Relationship that Jacked You Up"). I could have saved a lot of years of misery waiting for a guy that showed me exactly what he was about from the door. One thing I learned from the show was that if you have to make excuses for a guy's behavior towards you, he's just not that into you. Women will sit around and have a pow wow trying to analyze a man's reason for not stepping up as if men think like us: "He is just scared to ruin the friendship", "He is just afraid of getting hurt again" "He is just taking it slow", "He is just busy". That is a load of crap. What it all boils down to is that he is JUST not that into you. Doesn't make him a bad guy. It just doesn't make him the one for you and vice versa.
My "He's Just Not that Into You Guy" is a guy that used to dig me and I was not feeling him but we are good friends. Over time, my feelings changed and I started to crush on him. He is REALLY over me. However, that should not affect our friendship. First of all, I don't think that he knows that I have feelings for him. But even so, without going into much detail, there is no reason for him to blow me off like he does sometimes. Ever want to just hit someone square in the jaw so hard that you fall over? It is to the point where I can't even make excuses for him and frankly I am not asking him *&%!. Why would I? I am not going to beg someone to reciprocate a friendship. People do what they want to do. If he wanted to be down, he would be. All that to say, I had to swallow some bitter pride and accept that another one of my friendships with the opposite sex has changed. I am starting to sense that this is all for a reason (I am sure someone out there is like "Really? What was your first clue?").
Can I just keep one of my guy friendships the same, God? Okay, there's Eric. But then Eric will get married and move away and...*sigh. I have to keep telling myself that change can be good but it is so hard with the recent "downsizing" of my friendships.
I was recently told that Guy B (read Little Miracles Happen Everyday) read my post and it really encouraged him. Frankly, I have to go back to that post sometimes and encourage myself. I have to remember what I said and that was that I will wait forever for someone no less amazing. So I guess it is good that I have been given these situations to get rid of this excess baggage.
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
How is religion "a smile on a dog"? Edie Brickell was trippin' in that song. It's still hot though, always will be.
"You gotta love me or leave me alone"- Brand Nubian
I like me. I'm not going to lie. Everyone should like themselves. Sure I would change at least 20 things about myself, but I am pretty secure for the most part until it comes to certain things. I found this out today after talking to Tiffany at work.
It's amazing how life matures you. Tiffany is 5 years younger than me but has lived a whole lot more "life" than I have; not just because she is married with a son. She has experienced a lot of hardships that make a lot of people have to grow up really quickly. I sincerely appreciate her wisdom and her willingness to open her life up to me. I love her and I love it when God sends surprises in those kind of packages; the ones you never expect.
Tiffany was talking about a vision she had and while I was listening, I was dying to tell her why I was not interested in her friend. It bothered me that I could encounter someone and not feel like I was not good enough to be with them. I am very accepting of people's differences but people are not always accepting of mine, hence Guy A. I tend to gravitate towards guys that are like me: artsy, a bit flighty, childlike but can get pretty deep when it comes down to it. I play it safe that way. I gravitate towards instability because they can't pick on me for not knowing where the heck I am going either. I have a friend who is a musician who I SO want to be down with. He makes me so happy but it is a disaster waiting in the wings if anything popped off (not an impossibility). Tia has made this very clear and as much as I hate to admit it, she is right.
So I rambled off to Tiffany the reasons why I don't want to be with anyone much different than I am; mainly the example that I have of my parent's marriage and the rejection that I received from Guy A. She said "Let me ask you something? Why are you uncomfortable with being artsy?" "I'm not", I replied. "The first thing you said to me after I said that you two should meet was 'I'm artsy'. Why don't you like that about yourself?" After thinking about what she said, I came to the realization that there is still a part of me that is ashamed of who I am due to the fact that I don't feel that I have accomplished much for my age. It was like I had to make a bunch of excuses to shield myself when faced with someone who seems to have it all together.
Maybe the opposites attract thing does work sometimes. Frankly, I've never seen it work well. Anyway, what it boils down to is that you have to be content and not ashamed with how God made you regardless. With all of my flaws, it is crazy of me to think that someone with a PHD, a house and fat ride at the age of 24 has no flaws himself. I guess I was just so scared of being rejected and forced to change in the long run, probably because for a short period of time I was willing to. Tiffany basically said bunk anyone that won't accept you. You bring yourself to the table with no excuses. "Who knows?" she said"you may bring flava to his (normal) life". And why not? We'll see. If nothing else, I can finally say that I accept nothing less than to be able to be what I am regardless who I am with, no excuses allowed.
Tuesday, December 7, 2004
Tia and a series of unfortunate events
As many of you have probably noticed there have been a shortage of posts from me. My absence has not been of my own design. Rather I have been thrown a series of curves in every area of my life. Since we're all family here, I figured I would clue y'all in on what's been going on.
It started with:
Man, y'all see what this boy has been taking me through. Granted, he laid it out there in the beginning so some of my anguish is a prison of my own design. But it was some drama that I sincerely didn't need. I'm not saying that he was the catalyst for the CRAP that ensued in my life but he was definitely the jump off. Because after him things went from bad to worse.
How can I put this...My mother has recently become a ward of the Texas State Department of Corrections. Dumba** choices lead to craptacular consequences. And because of my mother's choices my little brother is now living by himself. This is a kid who didn't even know how to make hamburgers. Legally he's an adult, but well, he's still a little kid to me. So because of mi madre's lovely living arraignments my baby brother is having to finish the last semester of his senior year of high school, while trying to get a job and pay rent and deal with life alone because I can't fly out to see him because...
I don't know what happened but I am a special kind of broke. I have been paying my bills like a champ.(I'm tired of carrying around college debt.) And the modeling thing is not cheap. Though had I but known that my mom was feening for an orange jumpsuit, I would have put the modeling stuff on hold and saved some of the money I spent on headshots and such. I make a really good living so there's really no reason that I shouldn't be able to fly out to make sure my kid brother is eating. But for some reason, I can't...
And to add insult to injury, my roommate's dad passed away, my father has been laid off from his job, my current modeling agency is soooo sketchy, and we will not even talk about how I've been to 2 doctors had x-rays and an MRI to find out why my knees have been hurting.
Neeeekkkkkkkidddddd I came from my mother's womb, and Neeeekkkkkkkidddddd I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
Job 1: 21, 22
As I stood outside my door in the pouring rain last night because my key broke in the lock, I was reminded of Hezekiah. Isaiah told Hezekiah that he was going to die. Hezekiah cried out to God for life and God gave him 15 more years. As he prayed, Hezekiah was reminded of the goodness of God in the past. Sometimes life comes at you fast. Sometimes life broadsides you like a MAC truck, knocks you out of your stylish BCBG pumps, and leaves you disoriented, scraping your way up the hill bleeding, bloodied and bruised. But as bad as things are I know that God is giving me the strength to get through this. And it's not the first time that things have been hard for me. I have been homeless, broke, alone, brokenhearted and probably every other miserable condition of the human spirit that you can think of. And God has NEVER let me down.
O LORD , you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that every thing is rosy and a bunch of other positive thinking, tree-hugging, new-agey type crap. I'm strong, I'm not delusional. I have cried, wept and wailed. Which sucks because I have an interview with a modeling agency in a few hours and I'm all puffy from last night's bout of crying in the rain. (And seriously, if one more person tells me that I am a pretty crier I'm going to snap...Seriously...) But I know that God is ultimately in control of it all. Everything that's happening to me is not a surprise. He's not sitting up in heaven eating popcorn watching my life unfold with a look of shock and awe on his face. He knew this was going to happen and he's giving me the strength to get through it. And though this time I may walk into my situation with trepidation, everything that's happening serves to make me stronger. So the next time I will RUN into the fight head on. Everything is ultimately for God's glory. And I thank him for the strength that's he's building in me and hope that not only will my life bring glory to him but that I can give hope to someone else. Just as God comforts me, I want to do the same for someone else. Because we all know how much life can suck if you're going it alone. (Shout-outs to Sery, Toya, and Katie for standing in the gap.)
So if you were thinking about pitying me...DON'T! There will be other boys (preferably a tall dark haired pouty lip British one), parental nonsense, aches and pains and craptacular life moments. But when they come I will be straight diesel (remember that word) and ready for the fight.
But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; YOU are MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, Give them up! and to the south, Do not hold them back. Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth - everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."
And I'm out.............!
Naming my posts after song titles really is fun. I need to look for that Troop CD. I clown Tia for alphabetizing her CD's but at least she can find hers. Mine are in about 3 crates.
"Remind me to tell you something". These were the first words out of Tiffany's mouth today. She is so stinkin' funny. I went over to her counter after I finished up with a customer and she said "He asked about you. He didn't even wait until I got to the house. He called my husband when he got in the car." I was in total shock. "No way. What did he say?" We then went on to discuss how men discuss things. There was no detail. Her husband said that he asked about the girl with the poofy hair. HILARIOUS! Strangely enough, I only saw him for all but 10 seconds.
And still I am not interested. Not remotely.
This man is gorgeous. I mean, LL gorgeous. He walks like he is on a catwalk and not an iota in me wants to get hooked up. Am I ill? No. Just tired. I am not up for a challenge. He is nothing but Guy A in sheep's clothing. I am so out on this one.
Monday, December 6, 2004
What happened to UNV? And while we're at it, what happened to Men At Large, Portrait, Joe Public and Lo-Key? Like Chris Rock said, here today, gone TODAY.
My prayers have lately been sounding a lot like Butthead of Beavis and Butthead. "uh, umm, uh huh, uh, what?" I don't even know what to say half the time anymore. As it stands, I am uncertain of where I am going to live, what my career is going to be and even if I am staying in Tennessee. Umm, yeah.
I was telling one of our pastors last night that the only consolation I had about Renee's father dying was that it was so illogical that it had to be God and that God was about to perform a miracle. That is how I feel about my life right now. I have no idea what is going on.
Tonight I came home to find Tia crouched down outside our door in the pouring rain because her key broke in the door. I just walked up to her and put my hand on her shoulder and we stood there waiting for the locksmith. Honestly, we had nothing to say. There are quite a few more horrible things that have occurred within the past month that we have not even begun to mention here; some worse than what we have mentioned. I can tell that she has had enough.
The day will come when things will not suck. I guarantee it. I am so sick of handing over my joy to the enemy. I am tired of having a pity party for myself and others and letting the devil throw black confetti in my face. We have got to rise up. Grant it, my joy is making a comeback but I know for a fact that a good part of me is just in denial. I am numb to a point. Ignore and deny is my motto. I want to grieve, effectively. I want to settle all of these matters in my heart. I just hope that it doesn't all come out at a bad time. Sometimes I wish I could make myself cry like people can make themselves vomit. This can't be healthy.
I DON"T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO WRITE ABOUT THIS!!!
Last night I was at Super-Walmart and I was thanking God that I had money for groceries. I was thanking him that I don't have to go hungry and whether or not my clothes are fitting me right now (most of my clothes are too big), at least I have some. I was also thanking Him that I finally have some joy and peace after such a hellacious 2 weeks. Just then, Howard Jones' "Things Can Only Get Better" came on. Wow! If you have been reading, my post from last week came from that song. There is no coincindence in my life so just in case someone doubts it, the next song (after some lame Christmas song that they only played for 30 seconds) was his song "No One is to Blame" which I was going to entitle the posts from last week but I changed my mind. God is so cool.
Who sang this, Great White, right? Dag. I can't even comment on that.
I was at work today and this knockout of a brotha strolled in with a purple suit that sang "I have clearly just left the house of the Almighty God. Don't you smell the anointing on me? Sure you do." The thing is, as he came closer, I thought he was my coworker's husband because they looked so much alike. I quickly turned to Tiffany across the aisle and whispered "Tiffany, Tiffany! I think your husband is here?" So when he walked up on her and hugged her, I thought he was (I have only met her husband once). Come to find out that he wasn't her husband but a friend of his and that plenty of people make that mistake. I laughed about it and went on about my business. As soon as I heard her say goodbye, I knew he was going to walk past me and I suddenly crouched down behind the makeup counter to organize my drawer, i.e. I did not want to look at him AT ALL. As I got up, I noticed I had a customer and Tiffany walked over to me and said "Remind me to tell you something." Tiffany always has a great story so I could not wait for what she had to tell me. What she said was not at all what I expected.
Tiffany: I really think you two should meet.
Me: Wow! Didn't see that coming.
This guy is RIDICULOUSLY GORGEOUS. He just isn't my type.
Tiffany: He is a really, really nice guy
Me: Didn't we just meet though?
I knew what she meant, I just hate being setup and frankly I am not interested. To settle it, she went on to tell me some things about him and EVERY SINGLE thing she said sounded exactly like Guy A: He's 24, going towards his 3rd degree, completely left brained (that's the side that's not artsy, right?). Been there, done that.
Me: Okay, 2 things: I will be 30 this month.
Tiffany: He likes older women
Me: I am not an older woman, though. I am 30 by age alone. Second thing, I am crazy eclectic. I like punk music. I like guys in vintage tees and jeans. I like spiky hair or twists and dreadlocks. I am not into clean cut.
Tiffany: I think that you may find that you have more in common than you think.
Me: Tiffany, I just went through this with a guy that I knew was so different from me and it was a disaster. What you just said just threw a bunch of red flags up all over the place.
Tiffany: I know he is going to ask me about you.
Me:What's his name again?
She told me.
Me: Don't tell me his last name.
This is the thing. Women are crazy. I am a woman. I know I'm crazy. I want to do my best to end the emotional slut cycle. I didn't want my imagination going wild trying to find out what his last name would sound like after my first name and what our child would look like. So I ended it like this in my mind: I am single and I am older than what most people would expect. People are going to try to set me up. It is bound to happen. This is not a sign, this is just life.
I am so not interested. The last thing I need right now is a new and improved Guy A.
Sunday, December 5, 2004
I can't even talk to anyone that doesn't like this song. For real.
God is so good. I can't say that enough. It's funny because things have not changed but I have. This morning I barely made it out of bed. I had to work at the bookstore at church and made it in just enough time to get there and never even went to service. I have no doubts that what the pastor preached on was specifically meant for me (thank God for the audio visual ministry. I can get the tape.) I felt a nervous breakdown coming on. I thought about calling out from work because I really thought that I was about to have it finally and the final straw came last night.
Nothing new has happened but for the first time, reality started to hit. Sure I had talked about the things that happened in this past year but some of those things didn't and still don't seem real. I still have not accepted that Renee's dad is gone. It is almost like everyone is talking about someone I don't know; someone I never spent time with, had heart to heart talks with and shared corny jokes with. It hasn't hit yet. Well last night I was sharing with Beth about how being best friends with the opposite sex is not always a great idea. I feel it rarely is. I think the only guy you should be best friends with is the guy you are going to marry. I have my reasons, too many to post here but they come from first hand experience. In talking to her about Tre's, my first male best friend, it started to hit: things have changed, will continue to change and they have changed for good. The more I kept saying "We used to..." the more real it became and I felt the tears coming. "I am not crying over this", I said "This mess is so minor compared to everything else that is going on that if I cry over this I am truly crazy." But that is the thing; everything has permanently changed and I feel that I haven't. I decided right then and there that I could not take one more surprise or change in life. Beth told me that not all changes and surprises were bad and I told her I didn't care. I hate suspense and I now hated surprises. When did I become such a control freak?
Side note:I was watching an old Showtime at the Apollo and Troop was singing "Mamacita". Normally, I would be on the floor doin' The Troop and the Roger Rabbit, having a good old time. I almost BAWLED. I am too nostalgic for my own good.
I started to finish this book called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful" which is a must read for every woman and I hesitated to read it because I didn't think it pertained to anything I was going through now. However, it was next to me and I picked it up and it had EVERYTHING to do with what is going on in our house. It had to do with how we see God when life happens. God holds us and is there for us when life happens but He doesn't stop life from happening. I think somehow I expected Him to. Like, if my prayers were sincere enough I would be spared. It doesn't work that way. When life brings changes, you have to remind yourself what has to stay constant: God's love for you and His promises. I had turned everything so inward that I forgot who Jesus was. I don't serve a God who is not full of compassion and doesn't hurt when I do. For some reason I still see God as acting like people do. Like He was saying "Toughen up. This is life. Keep it movin'." I am not going to be spared from trials and tribulation because I am a Christian. I am no different in that respect from someone that is not. However, I cannot imagine enduring the rain that falls on the righteous and unrighteous if I did not have Jesus in my life. I had completely lost my joy because I forgot where it came from. My joy comes from knowing Christ and knowing that He is always there for me and loves me no matter what. My joy comes from praising him for that and being thankful.
On my way to church tonight, I was in my car wondering why God was not answering me and giving me words of comfort. I am a trip! I don't know who I think I am sometimes, ordering God around. Like I expect him to answer me like if I ask Tia a question and she answers me right back. Trippin'! Anyway, after my tirade of how I want no more surprises, I walk in the door and I see my friend Matt from Chicago. I stared at him at first because I was in total shock. I knew that I knew his face but it wasn't making sense. He doesn't even live here. I screamed, dropped my purse and hugged the mess out of him. The thing is, there ARE good surprises. Matt is one of my favorite people of all time. He is a big bundle of goodness and I love him to pieces, I swear I could just eat him up. I pointed at him to Tia and she was in just as much in shock as I was. It took her about 5 seconds as well. All this to say, I take back what I said about surprises. He was a blessing and he didn't even know it. Pastor Steve gave a message on depression that was so on point, it was like he had been listening in on my talks with God in the car (yes, I talk out loud in my car.) I looked around and saw my friends and was filled with so much joy because God shows his love to me through each and every one of them. He has answered me and I am so grateful. And finally, FINALLY, I have peace.
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
Where is PM Dawn? I saw them in concert once and it was SO painful.
I am starting to accept life, reality more specifically. Hold up, side note: Tom Jones is on TV and for some reason he is bearing a striking resemblance to Carmen. I'm trippin'. I am really, really trippin'.
I am going to need some sunshine in my life really, really soon. Actually everyone in this house is due. It would be nice if that sunshine came in a nice tall handsome package, one for each of us (an Italian one for Renee, a nice British one for Tia and a Ben Harper look alike for me) but I digress. I got some more disturbing news tonight that almost sent me right over the edge and I have made up my mind to not cry unless holding it in becomes hazardous to my health. I'm afraid that if I do it will hurt, like my heart will explode or something.
I do not want to become a person that is numb to bad news. I am praying that this is not a downward spiral. I am praying that this year ends on a good note and so far, on December 1st, it is not looking that good but I am hoping anyway. Yeah, Gin Blossoms are on (Hey Jealousy). I swear, sometimes it's the little things. I am a little bit more happy right now.
My brother from another mother, KC, reminded me of a verse that I have heard a lot lately; The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. He said that lately he has seen that the enemy has attempted to steal dreams, kill passions and destroy destinies. That is so true. My passion for the industry was pretty much killed this year and I have gone back and forth about what exactly it is God wants me to do. Actually, I think I have been in denial. Frankly, as it stands right now, I don't want to be bothered. I would rather settle for something more practical in life:go to school, get my esthetics license and settle down FINALLY. I am working towards going to school but I am not giving up music. Not when I haven't given it a 100%. Not when I am not so sure that I should. While I sometimes don't feel I want to continue, I don't feel a peace to stop. I thought "If it's really over, sell your DJ equipment". That's not even a question. Not the Technics! Noooooooo! Evidently, I am not done.
Abby, I love you.