Friday, April 30, 2004

About a boy…and a girl
by tia


I got my feelings hurt by a boy. He will remain nameless because…ummm…actually I’m not sure why I’m not blowin’ up his spot. Oh wait, I know why. Grace is sufficient for er’ybody. And I’m not without fault in the situation. So the brief version goes like this. I liked a boy. He liked me. I realize that he liked me (realized is such an understatement. Kid didn’t pull no punches.) and I turned into golden retriever. Faithful, smothering…pitiful. I became the infamous needy chick. Needy chicks, as you know, are scary. As such, aforementioned boy blows me off for “the date.” When the realization that I had been blown off set in my first reaction was to be PISSED. “Do you know who you stood up? People queue up to hang with me!!!! You had an opportunity to get in on the ground floor and you blew it. It’s like not buying Microsoft stock before it went public! Foolish, just foolish.” (Don’t you love it how we get indignant when we get our feelings hurt?”) But then God allowed me to get a big fat dose of reality. As I sat in the darkness of my room, I began to rethink the situation and similar scenarios from the past. I took a good hard look at Tia. Man, I hated what I saw.

The pastor of my church once said, “When most people “find themselves” it’s the most devastating moment of their existence.” Devastation is an understatement. Catastrophic depredation would probably be more accurate. I came to realize that the emptiness that I was so desperately trying to fill with a hottie boy wasn’t supposed to be filled by him. Not to say that a hottie boy is not a good thing to have. But a hottie boy will never complete me. Only God can do that.

So often we try to find “completeness” in outside stuff. Guys, clothes, job, stuff. But at the end of the day, if we’re honest with ourselves, that stuff doesn’t fill. It doesn’t complete. And it was a hard moment when I realized that for all of my efforts, for everything that I’ve accomplished, for everything that I own, none of that is enough. That little tidbit of information shook me to the very core of who I am. It was soooooo ugly. I spent the next week in a mess of tears, longing and searching. (And, NO, I was not crying about the boy himself. Somebody else got that. And probably some more.) There was no soul searching to be done because the soul was empty. It would have been like searching an empty room. What would have been the point? I had to take solace in the one thing that I knew would heal, restore, and comfort. I had to run to God.

I think a lot of times as women we search for another individual to make us feel whole. We see a handsome successful man on our arm as a testament to who we are. So we look and we search to find “the one.” The one who will be “IT.” The end all, be all of the male species. He will be perfect. He will love perfectly. He will do laundry. He will wipe snotty noses. He will massage feet, backs, necks and shoulders. He will cook. He will earn six figures. He will fight for you (on so many different levels. I love thugs and reformed bad boys.) He will have tattoos. He will surf, skateboard and/or ball. Okay those last two are my personal preferences but you get the general idea. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that guy doesn’t exist. Because for all of his “perceived” perfection, he is still just a man. He is still flawed and fallible. Just like you. Yes, he may very well wipe snotty noses, but it will probably be with the back of his sleeve. (That’s what you want him teaching the kids, right?) And for everything you love about him, there will be something(s) that you WISH he didn’t do. And to put an imperfect creature in the position of perfection is to doom him to failure. It’s not fair to him and it’s not far to you. There’s only one way you can go from the top and that’s down.

A longing to be loved perfectly is not abnormal. But to try to find a perfect love from an imperfect person is the formula for disaster. God created us to desire a love that cannot be given by ANYONE walking this planet. Not our parents, not our spouse, not our kids..NO ONE. I now understand why God said, draw near. He wants us to be close to him FIRST. He wants to fill that God sized hole within. But I’ve got to be honest. God has never reached out and held me in his arms. (And I do believe that I would fall ALL THE WAY OUT if he did.) But God has comforted me in times of utter desperation. And where a man might not understand my tears, no matter how badly he may want to, I know that God always will. So here I sit, finding my completeness in God while simultaneously waiting. I wait for more of God’s love. I wait for the one that will be the physical representative of God’s love. And I wait for the day when I will stand before my creator and KNOW that I’m finally whole.

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