Tuesday, March 9, 2004

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs...- Toya

Ever ask God for a sign and you hear nothing but wind and tumbleweeds? I was watching Juanita Bynum and she very plainly told me to my face (through the camera of course) "Why should God give you a sign when you haven't held onto the last thing He told you?" I turned off my television after that, bent down and picked up the pieces of my cracked face and trudged off to bed.

A really strange thing happened to me about 4 years ago that for some reason I totally forgot about. I had just moved here and two of my friends and I went to a barbecue at someone's house that I knew before I moved from Jersey. I was pretty excited to meet everyone they had been telling me about, excited to be getting some free food and really excited about meeting some cute guys. While sitting on the porch and enjoying the atmosphere I heard one of my girlfriends talking to a guy about sports. I am not a big sports fan so I paid them no mind. For some reason the conversation came my way and I noticed that she was trying to wow him with all of her sports knowledge. Turned out he was a professional athelete. So I am watching this all go down because women are sooooo FUNNY when it comes to trying to impress a guy. It was quite enjoyable to watch actually. So for some reason she got up and this guy and I are just sitting there and we start talking about youth ministry. The more he talked about his love for God, kids and life, the more I got that Jan Brady gaze in my eyes. You know the one where her head turns sideways and her mouth is hung slightly open? It was at that moment that I knew I had just met the most amazingly beautiful man I had ever seen in my entire life. Mind you I had been at this house for about 3 hours and paid him not a bit of mind. The more he talked, the less air passed through my lungs. So as the conversation came to a close and he got up to go inside, I immediately thought"I must follow this man. He has to see me in action. I must be witty and I must be smart". As I started to prop myself up from the deck I heard this voice say"If you trust me, you will sit your tail down." I was so startled that I looked around because I knew that SURELY everyone heard that. I was scared to death and couldn't move. Then I heard it again,"If you trust me, you will SIT DOWN !".

Before anyone writes me and suggest that I get on some sort of medication, it wasn't an audible voice. It was one that spoke directly to my spirit and this has never happened before or since. I was probably on my way to the biggest embarrassment of my life. I slowly sat back down and stayed in that very spot for two whole hours. I was the only girl on the porch and everyone was inside playing Mafia and music trivia games. MUSIC TRIVIA! No one in that room was better than music trivia than me. Still, there was no way that I was going in that room. First of all, I was afraid. Second of all, I was still trying to figure out what the heck had just happened. Why would God tell me that? Am I in trouble? When can I get up then? I didn't know what to do. Two hours later, everyone got off the porch because it got dark and I went inside as to not even make eye contact with this man. Most of us were leaving and I thought even though it would be nice to say "Goodbye, nice talking with you" I avoided him at all cost. Strangely enough, while I was in the kitchen, he came in and said "Oh,just wanted to tell you goodbye." I smiled, and said goodbye and said nothing of what happened the whole ride home.

Please hear what I am saying: What I heard was "If you trust me, you will sit down" not "If you trust me you will sit down and you will have this man". That was not the point at all. The point was that I needed to stop doing things in my own strength. I needed to stop trying to impress people and let God do the work. I needed to relax. I simply needed to let God be God. I was on my way to making an idiot of myself and His grace stopped me. Look, I know how I was 4 years ago. I would have WILED OUT that night! I have been thinking about that day more and more lately and that message applies to every area of my life. I am always looking for some sort of sign or inner voice and I got it loud and clear four years ago: trust Him.

By the way, I have seen this guy about 4 or 5 times since that day. He is still wonderful, still beautiful and still, hands down one of the most amazing people I have ever met to this very day. And I have met even more wonderful guys. One day I will meet a wonderful guy and we'll hang out and discover that we were made for each other. One day, I will stop working two jobs and be successful in the career that I am gifted in and will excel greatly. One day, I will be financially comfortable and won't have to wait until my next pay check to pay my utility bill. One day, but not now. Until then and even after then, I have to stick to what God told me last and that was to trust Him.

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