Monday, February 16, 2004

I DO NOT have a problem
by tia

I love lip gloss. Seriously, LOVE IT. We’re talking borderline obsessive with it. At any given time I have no less than 4 on my person. (Currently I have 5 lipsticks and 8 lip glosses with me.) Every flavor, scent and brand imaginable has graced my lips. As I’m typing I’m looking at the Vanilla Frosting Lip Smackers resting at the top of my keyboard. It’s an illness I tell you.

I’m easily distracted by lip gloss. Last night I was in Wal-mart. I was there for TWO things. Unfortunately, one of the items I needed was located near the beauty aisle. Me walking through the beauty aisle is akin to someone on Atkin’s walking through Krispy Kreme. It is pure unadulterated TORTURE. My eyes dart to and fro from one shiny package of flavored balm to the next until my bottom lip begins to twitch at the thought of the Mocha Freeze roll on. I basically had to run by the make-up aisle. I somehow managed to ignore the call of the Chocolate Strawberry Lip Sparklers and got to my destination. However, on my way out of the store I noticed some inconsiderate schmuck left a set of NYC Strawberry glosses (one clear, one red with sparkles, packaged together for my convenience…or torment) in the book aisle. Jerk!!!! I literally had to TALK myself out of buying them. If the guys in the security booth could see me they were probably calling in backup. “Looney on Aisle 5. I say again, Looney on Aisle 5.”

And there are so many choices. I saw Reese’s lip gloss the other day and almost had to be carried out of the store. No one’s lips should taste like Reese’s…EVER. And some of these glosses are just wrong. My personal favorite is Strawberry Candy Kisses. It is dangerous. Danger I tell you. It tastes like it smells. Strawberry Candy on your lips is probably not a good idea. It should never be used in confined spaces with boys. I was at a dinner party with a guy that I was dating and I noticed that my lips were getting a bit chapped. Innocently, I took out my gloss to moisturize. (I know, I know, bad table etiquette. But my lips were dry. What was I supposed to do?) Anyway, I have never in my life seen someone’s head whip around so quickly. It’s a miracle he didn’t get whiplash. Apparently, guys are intrigued by smell.

Some might argue that I have a problem . Granted, I do spend a significant amount of money on balm. And I do, in fact, apply often. So what?!? I have a tendency to chew on my bottom lip when I’m deep in thought. Thoughts run deeper when enhanced by the taste of Cherries Jubilee. But my...umm...adoration of all things gloss has not gone unnoticed. MAC has a new line of glosses that have flavors like Chocolate Mocha Freeze and New York Cheesecake or something equally deviant. Toya brought one home the other day and I was like a little kid in a candy store. Remember when Gollum finally got hold of “The Ring” in the final Lord of the Rings movie? That’s how it was for me. I just held “the precious” in my hands and stared at it. I put some on and I guess the look in my eyes disturbed Toya because she said, “I’m going to need that back…Tia, I’m going to need to get that back from you.” If memory serves, she had to snatch it from me. The stuff tasted like Caramel and Chocolate…just all around goodness. It is sinful. Later Toya said, “I had better not catch you spreading this on toast.” Okay, I’m weird but I’m not deranged. The day you catch me using lip gloss on anything other than lips you have my permission to have me committed.

There are help groups for people with lip gloss addictions. (Depending in when you’re reading this, there may be a link available.) I took the quiz and answered yes to a couple of the questions. According to them I should seek help. For my lip gloss “addiction” that is. Addiction is such a tricky word. Mine is more of an “admiration.” I appreciate that gloss can do so much for my lips. A product that not only moisturizes, but adds color, shine AND flavor can’t be all bad. Besides, it’s not like I sit in the dark applying and re-applying. I was once late to a non-work related meeting because I didn’t have any gloss on me so I had to stop and buy more. But that was only because I could feel my lips were getting chapped and it was wintertime. And I don’t share my gloss, nor do I borrow other people’s. Mouth germs are so serious. (There are exceptions to the rule but that’s beside the point.) Rather than suffer through what I knew would be a 2-hour meeting in pain and cracked-lipped agony, I opted to stop and purchase a mini-pot of Cotton Candy lip balm. Okay so maybe I should talk to someone…

I’m still a functioning member of society so I’m not all that worried. Yes, I hardly ever have dry lips. Yes, I apply at night before bed. Yes, I’ve spent more than $20 at one time on lip products. Yes, I own stock in Bonnie Bell. Okay that’s not true but you get my point. So I’m a teeny bit fanatical about lip care. It doesn’t mean I have a problem. It just means I love my shiny, frost-colored, vanilla flavored lips. Now if you will excuse me, it’s time for me to reapply.

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