Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Oh my stomach hurts SO bad. Unlike the John Mayer pic, we can't take credit for this one.-Toya

Monday, December 20, 2004

And then she responded - tia

Anne wanted to know what I had to say about the nonsence that Toya referenced in the post below...well.....

Honestly, we can't type what I wanted to say as it was not Godly and I had to repent for just thinking it. Basically I was pissed. I grew up my entire life having to defend my choices in music and men. At this point in my life I am way too old to have to explain myself to anyone. I don't have the time. And quite frankly I don't understand why I have to. To me it's like asking someone why they like the colour blue. They like it because they do. I have dated across the board but the majority of the men that I have dated have been white. You don't like it..Sucks for you, 'cuz frankly I DON'T CARE. I make no apologies for who I am or what I like. Toya is one of best friends and she's black. Jenn is one of my best friends and she's white. Sery is one of best friends and she's Asian. I refuse to let anyone put me in a box and tell me what I have to be so that I can be acceptable according to some incorrect stereotype. That all of my friends, love interests and musical choices have to be black is just stupid. Yeah, if things go the way they have been going I will probably marry a white guy. Will that make me any less black? HECK NO. I respect the hustle. I respect the struggle. I acknowledge the situation. And at the end of the day BLACK IS STILL BEAUTIFUL. I hate that people think that people like me are self-deprecating and hate who they are. God made me black and quite frankly I would have it no other way. I want nothing more than to see people be who they were created to be. Don't be them, be you because no one can do you LIKE you.

This girl said that she didn't understand dating white boys. Then DON'T. It's probably not for you. But don't put people on blast because you don't agree with their choices. When you do that you elevate yourself to a perceived position of greatness that says that your opinions/choices are better and thus more valid the person you're disparaging. Think Hitler.

Like what you like. Be who you are. Don't make apologies for it. Men are beautiful...black, white, Asian, Puerto Rican whatever. You're not a sellout/Oreo or any less black because you kick with Seth or Ty instead of JaMarc. I hold all men to the same standard...HIGH. I can't change what I like and wouldn't if I could. I've stopped trying to explain it to people. It is what it is. Don't accuse me of "not giving a brother a chance." Don't tell me that I need to be blacker. Don't tell me that I'm a sell-out. DO NOT call me a white girl. Because every morning when I get up I see me. A BLACK WOMAN. And every morning it's good to be me. I am still a black woman when I go out with "Josh." I'm still a black woman when I blast Poison in my car. I'm still a black woman when I hop on that skateboard. What I do, listen to and who I date don't make me any less black. But what you say, think and how you act make you that much more of a small minded, pig headed, short-sighted HATER.

So to all those people poppin' all that yang...I say this to you: SAVE IT!!! DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT bring that noise to the table in the '05. Because this is the last time that I am going to be nice. Save your dashiki wearing, holier than thou, I'm blacker than you nonsense for someone else. Because it's not only old it's played and trite. We don't need that here. And I say this with all sincerity, the next time someone comes with all that noise, I WILL NOT be so kind. I have officially reached my limit on small minded thinking. I live in the south for crying out loud. I have to deal with small minded racist behaviour every day. Round these parts we call them KLAN. I will not tolerate it from my own folks. Don't nobody bring me no bad news. You don't like what we do, what we say, how we think, who we date...THEN BOUNCE. But if it's brought to the table again know that all rights to civility have been relinquished.

DISCLAIMER: Beginning Jan 1, 2005 (or henceforth should the occasion arise prior to the aforementioned date) all persons bringing undue, unjust, or unnecessary commentary with regard to the "blackness" (as defined in section iv, part 231, paragraph 9a of the BGLU charter) of the sole proprietors of www.blackgirlslikeus.com, BGLU.com, BGLU and all its parts and subsidiaries, hereby affirm that they relinquish all rights, privileges and freedoms to anonymity, kindness and general common courtesies awarded antecedently. All solicitors of small-minded, unnecessary hate, grit, and/or stupidity are subject to BLAST, reciprocal grit and all other obiter dictum as deemed appropriate by the persons of Tia and/or Toya.

Translation: You bring the nonsense, I put you on BLAST. See if I'm playin'. I am so sincere.

In the words of Eaz-E
Learn a leasson from the EAZ, stay in your place and don't step to real Compton city G's.

Merry Christmas and Happy Kwanzaa!!!!

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Ain't Nuthin' Changed- Toya
I really miss the 90's. I miss BBD. I miss airbrushed denim overalls and girls that actually danced in videos and didn't look like they were kidnapped from a strip club.

We almost went a whole year without getting one of these emails and then lo and behold, Merry Christmas to BGLU! I was starting to wonder actually. I opened up our email account to this, this afternoon:

Peace Queens
Although I find your blogs to be interesting, I find black girls like you be ________??? Where I come from and live, we call black girlslike you “Oreos”--black on the outside and white in the inside. I too like the kind of music that you two like, but I can not understand liking white boys. That is too complicated for me. Nothing is more attracted, desirable, tangible, and delicious than a black man. A white boy can never pull off the street smarts, confidence and poise that brothas can. You two woman do have a way with words, which makes my mind tickles. But you seem less black to me and more Eurocentric. So what blacks are you more like???? As I am reading back this e-mail, I am really hoping that I have not offended the two of you,because I do love my sistas and wish all black people the best. Take it easy Queens!

I almost want to write up one of those form letters to explain our stance on this trite issue. Honestly, you would think that we had named our website "White Boys are #1" by some of the emails we have gotten. To me, when someone suggests that you are an Oreo, they are suggesting that you don't know or you are ashamed of who you are. And I am not to be offended by that assumption because why? So this is my response and will continue to be my response as long as I am black...and hopefully that will be a long, long time.

Umm, how long have you been reading our blog? Surely not that long.
This is Toya and I have been pretty vocal about my desire to marry a black man. My problem with your email is that no matter how often I could say that, it would still bother you that we find some white men (and spanish men and asian men) attractive.

My answer to you is simply this: we are heterosexual. Period. We love men. Period. We love all men, all colors, all shapes, all sizes.

As far as your comment,

"Nothing is more attracted, desirable, tangible, and delicious than a black man."

I agree with that 100%. I would choose Mos Def over Matthew McConaughey anyday of the week but that doesn't mean that I don't think that McConaughey is attractive. Furthermore, I don't think that us finding men of other races attractive makes us less black but Eurocentric. Funny enough, I am very familiar with the term Oreo based on the fact that I heard that quite a bit in high school because of the music I liked and not because I dated white boys because I didn't date any in high school. Since you claim to like the same music we do, I wonder if you have hear the same about yourself.

How on earth does our preference to appreciate men from all genres make us less black? Is a white girl who prefers to date only black men less white? It is this kind of mentality that bothers me and it crosses all races. I have had more white people try to persuade me into thinking that they were just as black as I am because they prefer to date black people and listen to black music. That means nothing to me. They can't identify with our struggle. Those things are a matter of preference but until a white girl is overlooked for a job because she dates a guy that looks like LL and listens to Snoop Dogg...even if she WAS overlooked for those reasons, I am not at all inclined to dub her as being black at all. As much as you say that you did not wish to offend us with your email, know that I am very offended by your email.

But your original question was, black girls like who? The answer is black girls like the hundreds of girls that read our website daily and email us with thank yous saying that we express the exact way they feel. We do not speak nor try to represent every black woman. Every woman is unique in her own way. We may not be a black girl like you, but we are just as black. Preference of music, men, clothes, or anything else cannot dictate how black a person is.


I don't even want to tell yall what Tia wanted to say.

Friday, December 17, 2004

I know we put this up last year but...

Oh, the gift that just keeps on giving. Once again, a Mayer Christmas to all and to all a good night.- Toya

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Making “Love” Out of Nothing At All- Toya
How do you not love Air Supply? I really can’t understand. They bring me so many glad tidings of great joy. I mean “Even the Nights Are Better”, “All Out of Love”…classics, I tell you.

This is not another estrogen driven crazy tirade of mine about the anxieties of being a single, woman that got her heart trampled on this year. Well, I am not through writing yet so that is yet to be proven. What I will say that even if it is, it is the last.

From here on out, I am not crushing, discussing crushes, talking about marriage or the like until there is actually something to talk about. This is not a New Year’s resolution but a self-imposed mandate that I enforced after having a conversation with Tiffany. I was in the middle of a story, a good one, about someone I was interested in (does it EVER end? You would think I would want a break) and she interrupted me. “Stop”, she said. “Did you apply for school yet?” I told her that I didn’t get the brochure that I requested in the mail yet. She asked why I didn’t just go up there and get it. “I guess I could.” All that to say, I was glad that she set me straight because I found myself doing “it”…again.

Women do “it” often. We get together and somehow we start talking about husbands…that we don’t have. We talk about relationships…that we don’t have. It becomes sort of a wish club that turns into a gripe session at times. “Why don’t the guys at church ask us out? What are we supposed to do?” I have heard this time and time again and not just within my own church. Guys don’t ask women out because they don’t want to; I don’t care if it’s within the church, mosque, temple, whatever. My dad told me that he and my uncle never dated girls within their high school, mostly because they were trying to keep their scheming on the low. But one day my dad found a girl that he was willing to break that rule for and he asked her out, even though she couldn’t stand him. They went out and four years later, got married. Four years later, they had me and 30 years later, they are still married.

All of that to say, there has been much ado about nothing; things that could have been, should have been, isn’t, wasn’t and aint ever gonna be; situations that we should be thanking God on our hands and knees never really turned into anything instead of mulling them over and over in our minds, torturing ourselves with memories and daydreaming. Sure sometimes we need to talk things out but let’s face it; a lot of us women encourage these broken record conversations. I don’t even want to talk about this kind of stuff anymore.

A few nights ago, after I found out that “Purple Suit Man in the Mall” is a jerk (won’t even go into that on the World Wide Web. Grand openin’, grand closin’.), I was driving home thinking “Thank God, that isn’t what I wanted anyway.” Then I started thinking about life in general and asked myself what was it that I really did want. I thought about it a little bit but had a hard time sleeping for a few nights until I made myself get up and write it down in my journal. I came up with some surprises as to what my dreams were and what they weren’t. Then something came to me to write down what I wanted in a husband. “Why?” I thought. “What girl hasn’t done that 85 times?” But nonetheless I made my list one last time; it was the first time I had done so in about 4 years. When I read it, I had a revelation that scared the crap out of me so badly, I quickly shut my journal and went straight to sleep. I won’t even discuss it.

I’ve enlisted the help of my closest friends to keep me accountable. I am not to talk about, ramble about or be verbally anxious about potential relationships. If there aint nothin’ going on, there aint nothin’ to talk about. Unless something is REALLY about to pop off, the topic is off limits. I won’t even allow myself to think about it. I have had to change what I listen to and what I watch. This is HARD. I am a crusher! I admit it. But it takes up too much mind space. There are so many other things to be concerned with. I have all of this crazy stuff going on at work, I have people that need to be prayed for and *sigh.

All that to say, I want to encourage women to keep each other in check. If your girl starts getting that starry, glazed look in her eyes while talking about a guy that looked at her twice and gave her a real friendly hello, sidestep and ask her how her quiet time with God has been. Ask her how she is doing with those things that she so earnestly asked you to pray about or has voiced concerns over: finance, weight, employment, etc. A lot of times, worrying about a potential future relationship is easier than dealing with the things that we really do have control over now. Women often use that as an escape. So let’s let loose that tough love. Tia is great at it. She won’t humor me AT ALL. I have a guy friend, one of my married ones that has not moved across the country, who has agreed to burst my bubble if I get ridiculous.

So as it stands, unless I am dating someone I will not be posting anything boy related outside of my Toya’s Boyfriend of the Month of course, which is STILL Mos Def. I think he has been it since August but I can’t help it. I just can’t shake him. Oh but since this is the last post, I must write the following to get some closure:

  • From what I hear, Guy A is most likely getting engaged soon. I ran into him and his girlfriend at a store recently and while he is a great guy, he is not MY great guy. He was talking to me and I thought “Wow, your face has absolutely no effect on me anymore.” I am not going to lie and say that it still doesn’t sting a little but I have forgiven him and myself and am happy for them both.
  • My “He’s Just Not That into You” guy has overstayed his welcome. Honestly, it’s been 3 years. Buh-bye.
  • Okay, so I never talked about this but I did have a crush on a guy at work and well, I can’t even SEE him now as well as about at least 4 other crushes that I never wrote about.

Anybody else see how bad this was? Boy crazy! Out of control. I don’t want to talk about husbands. I don’t want to hear about how he’s coming soon and I don’t want to talk about how I can’t wait to have someone fix stuff around my house. I am tired of sounding like a little kid at a recess the last day before Christmas vacation talking about what they hope Santa brings them. “I really hope Santa brings me the truck I want in red and not blue. And when I get it, I will play with it all day and I will take it to school for show and tell and it will be awesome. Just like the commercial. But what if I never get it? I never did get that pony I asked for either. Oh, I probably won’t get it.” Their parents have already picked the gifts out. The best that they can do is continue to be nice and not naughty, be thankful that they are getting any gifts at all and try their best to sleep soundly through the night on Christmas Eve. Truthfully, that is about the best that I can do right now too.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Favorite Things 2004- Toya

A lot of things sucked this year but then again, a lot of things didn't. Notice I did not spell "favorite" with a U because I recognize that I am not British, unlike some people who are clearly in denial. Come on Annie Mae Bullock. You know who you are (love you!)

Because Tia and I share part of the same brain, we both thought of doing our favorites list for 2004. Right when she mentioned it, I was starting to ask her if she wanted to do one together. I don't know why I thought they would be similar. We are very different in a lot of ways. Nonetheless, here is my take on my favorite 2004 moments.

1. Meeting John Mayer- CLEARLY that didn't suck. Waiting outside for 3 hours did but finally getting to meet one of my favorite songwriters of all time and being able to thank him was a huge blessing. Honorable mention: The "John Mayer has a Show" show that was on VH1. If you are a fan and have not seen it, you want to check your local listings for it. I was rolling on the floor, laughing my behind off. He is CRAZY. There is a segment with him and Trick Daddy walking in downtown Nashville and they perform together in the middle afternoon at a honkytonk bar on Broadway. Tia just looked at me with a look on her face that read "Why were we not there? How did this slip past us?" I looked at her and said "If we went downtown mid-afternoon and saw John Mayer AND Trick Daddy performing in a honkytonk bar, we would have thought we were high. That's why."

2. Alicia Keys CD- My favorite CD of the year. I honestly wasn't feeling her before this CD and now I absolutely looooove it. And of course the video for "You Don't Know My Name" is definitely my choice for the Video of the Year. I stopped breathing for a good 5 seconds when I first saw Mos Def walk through the door. Honorable mention- Brandy's "Afrodisiac". AMAZING.

3. The Dethroning of Justin Timberlake- Yes, I play Justin's CD at work almost everyday and yes it is one of my favorite CD's ever. Justin just has this Eddie Haskell thing about him that annoys me to no end. So it was nice to see Usher shine this year. He deserves it.

4. Favorite Phrase- "He's Just Not that Into You". Grant it, it feels like a big blow to the stomach but nothing sets you free like the hard truth.

5. Favorite Plot Twist- Hyde (That 70's Show) is half black. And now, it all makes sense.

6. Favorite Guilty Pleasure Songs- I don't think I have just one so I will name my top 5:
- "Ocean Avenue"- Yellowcard
-"Pieces of Me"- Ashley Simpson
-"Drop It Like It's Hot"- Snoop Dogg
-Any Avril Lavigne Song
-"True" (?)- Ryan Cabrrerra...I am so, sooooooo ashamed

7. Favorite Tia Moment- "Hello, Ben Covington". She knows what I mean. I almost had a heart attack it was so funny.

8. Favorite Concert Moment- Stephen from Anberlin whispering "Dance all night, dance all night" with his back to the crowd. My admiration for Stephen has never been anywhere near the level of Tia's but we almost had a Rick Springfield incident, I swear. Mercy!

9. Favorite Plot Twist in "Absolutely No Sex in the City" ie my life- The identity of Random Nashville Guy. So freaking funny! I hung out with him not too long ago but never wrote about it. No need to actually. As BB King so appropriately put it "The Thrill is Gone".

10. Favorite God Moment- I learned a lot of hard lessons this year and some things were painful to go through. However, the fact that God loves me enough to teach me these lessons and to see me through them is humbling. Why would God want to spend any amount of time on a knucklehead like me? God's love definitely was my favorite thing of 2004.

2004 was a-ight. A lot of good things happened this year. There were a lot of great lessons learned and I found out that I have the best set of friends anyone could ever dream of. Oh and I am now a size 9 (down from 14)! Lord willing, 2005 will be a much needed break from all of the drama from this past year.
Favourite Things - tia

Every year Oprah does a favourite things show. She gives away a ridiculous amount of really cool gifts to her unsuspecting audience members. It's the highlight of their holiday season. For the rest of us it's just another opportunity to grit on how much money Oprah has. I think I'm just salty because I've never been on the favourite things show.

Anyway, in the spirit of giving I thought I would "give" you some of my favourite things. Translation: Yet another opportunity to talk about myself.

Side Note: Does anyone else with a blog feel just slightly self-involved by the whole idea of blogging and the like? Because when you get down to the heart of the matter all blogs are are a place for someone to discuss the (sometimes) mundane thoughts, issues and events of their life. Granted, the life of a BGLU is never dull (from the Rick Springfield mauling to Matt Morris copin' a feel.) But I guess I don't quite grasp the reasoning behind complete strangers wanting to read about us...Moving On

Favourite Things of 2004


Yes, an individual made the list. I have a had a crush on Stephen from Anberlin for about a year and a half now. I love that he radiates Christ while simultaneously being one the freshest rocker guys that I have most recently met. Besides being something of a deep thinker, he can sing the FOOL out of The Cure's Love Song. What more do you need? (by the way, if I see ANY of the members of 311 in the street they are soooo due for a butt-whoopin' for what they did to that song. Whose idea was it to sing Love Song to a reggae beat? Isn't that against the law?) Stephen is soooo fresh and as such he not only makes the list of favourite things of 2004 but he also garners the title Favourite Crush of 2004.

Motley Crue Reunited
Last week during my daily reading of CNN.com I saw the headline: Original M.C. reunited. I honestly can't tell you how excited that made me. Vince and Tommy...together...playing hits. I called Toya and she said, "We're so going." How could we not? The only thing that could make the show better is if M.C. went on tour with Poison. Tommy, Bobby, Nikki and Brett. (Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike....) This brown girl would be ecstatic. I can't wait for the concert season to begin.

Favourite Saying of 2004
People say some funny stuff. From the Wah-Waah to The Crescendo, funny sayings have been in no short supply this year. But my all time favourite came from my girl Katie. When I inquired about her sister's boyfriend she stated, "Mandy sits on a throne of lies." I don't know why, but that is easily the funniest thing that I have heard all year. The fact that you have told so many lies that you now have a sufficient enough amount to construct not only a seat but a throne is freakin' hilarious. I think it's funny because I know some many who sit on the throne. To protect the not so innocent I will not name names.

So should the appropriate situation arise, feel free to tell someone that they sit on a throne of lies. It will not only make you feel better but it may make the person think twice before speaking again. If they insist on talking you can inform them that they sleep in a bed of lies.

Favourite Concert
This would have to be the Sting Concert on Labor Day. GOOOOOOOD TIMES. Sting is...danggit, he's Sting. Enough said. He sings hits. He clearly favours one of his BLACK back-up singers. And he's freakin' British. Aside from the 2 girls sitting next to us making out, this was the best concert of the season. Annie Lennox was amazing, but I have waited most of my life to see Sting. From the time I heard Roxanne when I was 4, I knew that I had to see him live and in person. And should I ever get an opportunity to see The Police I will be there. With the exception of Christ's Return there's not too much I can think of that would keep me from that show. I would sell one of my brothers if need be.

Favourite CD
Without a second thought it's Daniel Bedingfield Second First Impression. Because I recently posted extensively on how I feel about Mr. Bedingfield, I will refrain from going into greater detail. But if anyone knows him, please let him know that I would LOVE to holla.

I know that there are more favourites. But seeing as how my job pays me to work, not to post, I feel that I should uphold my end of the bargain....More to follow

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Hold On My Heart- Toya
This song is so heartbreaking and so real for every woman I have ever known. Something is so wrong with Phil Collins. Side note:The Postal Service redid Against All Odds and I think it is truly fresh.

"God, I am giving you my heart. Take it from me and don't give it back to me to give to someone else unless you say it's time." I prayed this this morning in church after I asked myself what my soul's posture towards God is right now. This is a question I ask myself from time to time. I envision myself in front of Christ and think about how my attitude is towards him at the moment: is my back towards him not trying to hear him at all? Do I have my arms up towards him like a toddler begging him to hold me? Is he holding me like a young mother with a baby on her hip whose child's head is resting on her chest? Or am I sitting on the ground attentively listening to everything he has to say? Today is different. I picture myself sitting at his side with his hand on my back as if I am on the sidelines in a basketball game. I am waiting for him to put me in, not wanting to move before he says it's time because I have so many fouls (all offensive fouls, no doubt) that just two more will get me fouled out of the game. I am waiting on EVERYTHING right now. There is so much uncertainty with my career, where I am going to live, and so many other things. I have no choice but to wait.

The bible is so true in what it says about the heart being deceptive because it acts so irrationally at times. I came home last night angry as could be and asked Tia how it is at all possible to have feelings for someone that has dissed the hell out of you on more than one occasion. It makes no sense. ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE. And it seems to go back to this: my mind says "Screw him" but my heart says "Remember how he made you feel when..." My heart seems to live on the past and a false future and very rarely, if ever, the present: the was and the could be in a perfect world but very rarely the very real reality of the now. And while I can't control that, I can control my actions until my heart decides to get with the program.

I like how it says in the bible that a single woman is to be focused on how she can please the Lord. I don't think it says that so we can all live as nuns. I believe it says that so God can have our absolute attention to show his love for us and to strengthen and prepare us. Also, obviously because he is worthy of all the affection. But still, if I kept my focus on how I could please God, everything else would just fall into place. Am I pleasing God while shopping in the mall while I need to be at my counter at the ungodly hour of 10 pm (cursed holiday hours)? Not really. Am I pleasing God by being selfish and completely checking out mentally when someone I really don't want to talk to really wants to talk to me? Not at all. Am I pleasing God by immediately making an idol out of someone that shows me a little attention? According to the Ten Commandments, not so much. Like Lauryn said, it could all be so simple but we'd rather make it hard.

I remember driving home late one night after being at a guy's house where I had no business being. I went there because I had a fight with my dad and as girly as it sounds I just wanted to be held. Making out was just a means to an end. As I was driving home in the rain, "Hold on My Heart " came on and I sniffled and fought back the tears the whole way home. The part of the song that killed me was

Hold on my heart
Just hold on to that feeling
We both know we’ve been here before
We both know what can happen

Realistically I knew that nothing good could happen. Not when you are trying to heal spiritual problems by physical means. That only produces temporary alleviation and if anything hinders the whole healing process. All that to say is that God wants for me things that are going to last. The more I jump the gun and try to fill in my time with temporary satisfaction (new clothes, new jewelry, new boys to crush on) the longer it is going to take for me to be where I need to be because now this new mess has to get cleaned up. So now all I can do is wait to get back in the game.

Thursday, December 9, 2004

Another One Bites the Dust-Toya
Electric Six redid Queen's Radio Ga-Ga. Can't they just leave Freddie alone? I don't entirely hate it but I don't love it. I know one thing: if Nelly touches a Queen song with even a 50 ft pool, he needs to be flogged in the streets.

Soon after watching the infamous Oprah Winfrey Show with the author of "He's Just Not That Into You", I was put to the test almost immediately. After watching it, I felt both empowered and honestly a bit dumb. He didn't say anything that I didn't already know but I so wished that I would have heard what he had to say back in the day (See post entitled "The Relationship that Jacked You Up"). I could have saved a lot of years of misery waiting for a guy that showed me exactly what he was about from the door. One thing I learned from the show was that if you have to make excuses for a guy's behavior towards you, he's just not that into you. Women will sit around and have a pow wow trying to analyze a man's reason for not stepping up as if men think like us: "He is just scared to ruin the friendship", "He is just afraid of getting hurt again" "He is just taking it slow", "He is just busy". That is a load of crap. What it all boils down to is that he is JUST not that into you. Doesn't make him a bad guy. It just doesn't make him the one for you and vice versa.

My "He's Just Not that Into You Guy" is a guy that used to dig me and I was not feeling him but we are good friends. Over time, my feelings changed and I started to crush on him. He is REALLY over me. However, that should not affect our friendship. First of all, I don't think that he knows that I have feelings for him. But even so, without going into much detail, there is no reason for him to blow me off like he does sometimes. Ever want to just hit someone square in the jaw so hard that you fall over? It is to the point where I can't even make excuses for him and frankly I am not asking him *&%!. Why would I? I am not going to beg someone to reciprocate a friendship. People do what they want to do. If he wanted to be down, he would be. All that to say, I had to swallow some bitter pride and accept that another one of my friendships with the opposite sex has changed. I am starting to sense that this is all for a reason (I am sure someone out there is like "Really? What was your first clue?").

Can I just keep one of my guy friendships the same, God? Okay, there's Eric. But then Eric will get married and move away and...*sigh. I have to keep telling myself that change can be good but it is so hard with the recent "downsizing" of my friendships.

I was recently told that Guy B (read Little Miracles Happen Everyday) read my post and it really encouraged him. Frankly, I have to go back to that post sometimes and encourage myself. I have to remember what I said and that was that I will wait forever for someone no less amazing. So I guess it is good that I have been given these situations to get rid of this excess baggage.

Wednesday, December 8, 2004

What I Am- Toya
How is religion "a smile on a dog"? Edie Brickell was trippin' in that song. It's still hot though, always will be.

"You gotta love me or leave me alone"- Brand Nubian

I like me. I'm not going to lie. Everyone should like themselves. Sure I would change at least 20 things about myself, but I am pretty secure for the most part until it comes to certain things. I found this out today after talking to Tiffany at work.

It's amazing how life matures you. Tiffany is 5 years younger than me but has lived a whole lot more "life" than I have; not just because she is married with a son. She has experienced a lot of hardships that make a lot of people have to grow up really quickly. I sincerely appreciate her wisdom and her willingness to open her life up to me. I love her and I love it when God sends surprises in those kind of packages; the ones you never expect.

Tiffany was talking about a vision she had and while I was listening, I was dying to tell her why I was not interested in her friend. It bothered me that I could encounter someone and not feel like I was not good enough to be with them. I am very accepting of people's differences but people are not always accepting of mine, hence Guy A. I tend to gravitate towards guys that are like me: artsy, a bit flighty, childlike but can get pretty deep when it comes down to it. I play it safe that way. I gravitate towards instability because they can't pick on me for not knowing where the heck I am going either. I have a friend who is a musician who I SO want to be down with. He makes me so happy but it is a disaster waiting in the wings if anything popped off (not an impossibility). Tia has made this very clear and as much as I hate to admit it, she is right.

So I rambled off to Tiffany the reasons why I don't want to be with anyone much different than I am; mainly the example that I have of my parent's marriage and the rejection that I received from Guy A. She said "Let me ask you something? Why are you uncomfortable with being artsy?" "I'm not", I replied. "The first thing you said to me after I said that you two should meet was 'I'm artsy'. Why don't you like that about yourself?" After thinking about what she said, I came to the realization that there is still a part of me that is ashamed of who I am due to the fact that I don't feel that I have accomplished much for my age. It was like I had to make a bunch of excuses to shield myself when faced with someone who seems to have it all together.

Maybe the opposites attract thing does work sometimes. Frankly, I've never seen it work well. Anyway, what it boils down to is that you have to be content and not ashamed with how God made you regardless. With all of my flaws, it is crazy of me to think that someone with a PHD, a house and fat ride at the age of 24 has no flaws himself. I guess I was just so scared of being rejected and forced to change in the long run, probably because for a short period of time I was willing to. Tiffany basically said bunk anyone that won't accept you. You bring yourself to the table with no excuses. "Who knows?" she said"you may bring flava to his (normal) life". And why not? We'll see. If nothing else, I can finally say that I accept nothing less than to be able to be what I am regardless who I am with, no excuses allowed.

Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Just call me Job
Tia and a series of unfortunate events
- tia

As many of you have probably noticed there have been a shortage of posts from me. My absence has not been of my own design. Rather I have been thrown a series of curves in every area of my life. Since we're all family here, I figured I would clue y'all in on what's been going on.

It started with:
Man, y'all see what this boy has been taking me through. Granted, he laid it out there in the beginning so some of my anguish is a prison of my own design. But it was some drama that I sincerely didn't need. I'm not saying that he was the catalyst for the CRAP that ensued in my life but he was definitely the jump off. Because after him things went from bad to worse.

How can I put this...My mother has recently become a ward of the Texas State Department of Corrections. Dumba** choices lead to craptacular consequences. And because of my mother's choices my little brother is now living by himself. This is a kid who didn't even know how to make hamburgers. Legally he's an adult, but well, he's still a little kid to me. So because of mi madre's lovely living arraignments my baby brother is having to finish the last semester of his senior year of high school, while trying to get a job and pay rent and deal with life alone because I can't fly out to see him because...

I don't know what happened but I am a special kind of broke. I have been paying my bills like a champ.(I'm tired of carrying around college debt.) And the modeling thing is not cheap. Though had I but known that my mom was feening for an orange jumpsuit, I would have put the modeling stuff on hold and saved some of the money I spent on headshots and such. I make a really good living so there's really no reason that I shouldn't be able to fly out to make sure my kid brother is eating. But for some reason, I can't...

And to add insult to injury, my roommate's dad passed away, my father has been laid off from his job, my current modeling agency is soooo sketchy, and we will not even talk about how I've been to 2 doctors had x-rays and an MRI to find out why my knees have been hurting.

Neeeekkkkkkkidddddd I came from my mother's womb, and Neeeekkkkkkkidddddd I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
Job 1: 21, 22

As I stood outside my door in the pouring rain last night because my key broke in the lock, I was reminded of Hezekiah. Isaiah told Hezekiah that he was going to die. Hezekiah cried out to God for life and God gave him 15 more years. As he prayed, Hezekiah was reminded of the goodness of God in the past. Sometimes life comes at you fast. Sometimes life broadsides you like a MAC truck, knocks you out of your stylish BCBG pumps, and leaves you disoriented, scraping your way up the hill bleeding, bloodied and bruised. But as bad as things are I know that God is giving me the strength to get through this. And it's not the first time that things have been hard for me. I have been homeless, broke, alone, brokenhearted and probably every other miserable condition of the human spirit that you can think of. And God has NEVER let me down.

O LORD , you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.
Isaiah 25:1

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that every thing is rosy and a bunch of other positive thinking, tree-hugging, new-agey type crap. I'm strong, I'm not delusional. I have cried, wept and wailed. Which sucks because I have an interview with a modeling agency in a few hours and I'm all puffy from last night's bout of crying in the rain. (And seriously, if one more person tells me that I am a pretty crier I'm going to snap...Seriously...) But I know that God is ultimately in control of it all. Everything that's happening to me is not a surprise. He's not sitting up in heaven eating popcorn watching my life unfold with a look of shock and awe on his face. He knew this was going to happen and he's giving me the strength to get through it. And though this time I may walk into my situation with trepidation, everything that's happening serves to make me stronger. So the next time I will RUN into the fight head on. Everything is ultimately for God's glory. And I thank him for the strength that's he's building in me and hope that not only will my life bring glory to him but that I can give hope to someone else. Just as God comforts me, I want to do the same for someone else. Because we all know how much life can suck if you're going it alone. (Shout-outs to Sery, Toya, and Katie for standing in the gap.)

So if you were thinking about pitying me...DON'T! There will be other boys (preferably a tall dark haired pouty lip British one), parental nonsense, aches and pains and craptacular life moments. But when they come I will be straight diesel (remember that word) and ready for the fight.

But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; YOU are MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, Give them up! and to the south, Do not hold them back. Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth - everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."
Isaiah 43:1-7

And I'm out.............!

I'm Not Souped- Toya
Naming my posts after song titles really is fun. I need to look for that Troop CD. I clown Tia for alphabetizing her CD's but at least she can find hers. Mine are in about 3 crates.

"Remind me to tell you something". These were the first words out of Tiffany's mouth today. She is so stinkin' funny. I went over to her counter after I finished up with a customer and she said "He asked about you. He didn't even wait until I got to the house. He called my husband when he got in the car." I was in total shock. "No way. What did he say?" We then went on to discuss how men discuss things. There was no detail. Her husband said that he asked about the girl with the poofy hair. HILARIOUS! Strangely enough, I only saw him for all but 10 seconds.

And still I am not interested. Not remotely.

This man is gorgeous. I mean, LL gorgeous. He walks like he is on a catwalk and not an iota in me wants to get hooked up. Am I ill? No. Just tired. I am not up for a challenge. He is nothing but Guy A in sheep's clothing. I am so out on this one.

Monday, December 6, 2004

Something's Going On-Toya
What happened to UNV? And while we're at it, what happened to Men At Large, Portrait, Joe Public and Lo-Key? Like Chris Rock said, here today, gone TODAY.

My prayers have lately been sounding a lot like Butthead of Beavis and Butthead. "uh, umm, uh huh, uh, what?" I don't even know what to say half the time anymore. As it stands, I am uncertain of where I am going to live, what my career is going to be and even if I am staying in Tennessee. Umm, yeah.

I was telling one of our pastors last night that the only consolation I had about Renee's father dying was that it was so illogical that it had to be God and that God was about to perform a miracle. That is how I feel about my life right now. I have no idea what is going on.

Tonight I came home to find Tia crouched down outside our door in the pouring rain because her key broke in the door. I just walked up to her and put my hand on her shoulder and we stood there waiting for the locksmith. Honestly, we had nothing to say. There are quite a few more horrible things that have occurred within the past month that we have not even begun to mention here; some worse than what we have mentioned. I can tell that she has had enough.

The day will come when things will not suck. I guarantee it. I am so sick of handing over my joy to the enemy. I am tired of having a pity party for myself and others and letting the devil throw black confetti in my face. We have got to rise up. Grant it, my joy is making a comeback but I know for a fact that a good part of me is just in denial. I am numb to a point. Ignore and deny is my motto. I want to grieve, effectively. I want to settle all of these matters in my heart. I just hope that it doesn't all come out at a bad time. Sometimes I wish I could make myself cry like people can make themselves vomit. This can't be healthy.
Things Can Only Get Better...and They Do!-Toya


Last night I was at Super-Walmart and I was thanking God that I had money for groceries. I was thanking him that I don't have to go hungry and whether or not my clothes are fitting me right now (most of my clothes are too big), at least I have some. I was also thanking Him that I finally have some joy and peace after such a hellacious 2 weeks. Just then, Howard Jones' "Things Can Only Get Better" came on. Wow! If you have been reading, my post from last week came from that song. There is no coincindence in my life so just in case someone doubts it, the next song (after some lame Christmas song that they only played for 30 seconds) was his song "No One is to Blame" which I was going to entitle the posts from last week but I changed my mind. God is so cool.
Once Bitten, Twice Shy- Toya
Who sang this, Great White, right? Dag. I can't even comment on that.

I was at work today and this knockout of a brotha strolled in with a purple suit that sang "I have clearly just left the house of the Almighty God. Don't you smell the anointing on me? Sure you do." The thing is, as he came closer, I thought he was my coworker's husband because they looked so much alike. I quickly turned to Tiffany across the aisle and whispered "Tiffany, Tiffany! I think your husband is here?" So when he walked up on her and hugged her, I thought he was (I have only met her husband once). Come to find out that he wasn't her husband but a friend of his and that plenty of people make that mistake. I laughed about it and went on about my business. As soon as I heard her say goodbye, I knew he was going to walk past me and I suddenly crouched down behind the makeup counter to organize my drawer, i.e. I did not want to look at him AT ALL. As I got up, I noticed I had a customer and Tiffany walked over to me and said "Remind me to tell you something." Tiffany always has a great story so I could not wait for what she had to tell me. What she said was not at all what I expected.

Tiffany: I really think you two should meet.
Me: Wow! Didn't see that coming.
This guy is RIDICULOUSLY GORGEOUS. He just isn't my type.
Tiffany: He is a really, really nice guy
Me: Didn't we just meet though?
I knew what she meant, I just hate being setup and frankly I am not interested. To settle it, she went on to tell me some things about him and EVERY SINGLE thing she said sounded exactly like Guy A: He's 24, going towards his 3rd degree, completely left brained (that's the side that's not artsy, right?). Been there, done that.
Me: Okay, 2 things: I will be 30 this month.
Tiffany: He likes older women
Me: I am not an older woman, though. I am 30 by age alone. Second thing, I am crazy eclectic. I like punk music. I like guys in vintage tees and jeans. I like spiky hair or twists and dreadlocks. I am not into clean cut.
Tiffany: I think that you may find that you have more in common than you think.
Me: Tiffany, I just went through this with a guy that I knew was so different from me and it was a disaster. What you just said just threw a bunch of red flags up all over the place.
Tiffany: I know he is going to ask me about you.
Me:What's his name again?
She told me.
Me: Don't tell me his last name.

This is the thing. Women are crazy. I am a woman. I know I'm crazy. I want to do my best to end the emotional slut cycle. I didn't want my imagination going wild trying to find out what his last name would sound like after my first name and what our child would look like. So I ended it like this in my mind: I am single and I am older than what most people would expect. People are going to try to set me up. It is bound to happen. This is not a sign, this is just life.

I am so not interested. The last thing I need right now is a new and improved Guy A.

Sunday, December 5, 2004

Holding Back the Years- Toya
I can't even talk to anyone that doesn't like this song. For real.

God is so good. I can't say that enough. It's funny because things have not changed but I have. This morning I barely made it out of bed. I had to work at the bookstore at church and made it in just enough time to get there and never even went to service. I have no doubts that what the pastor preached on was specifically meant for me (thank God for the audio visual ministry. I can get the tape.) I felt a nervous breakdown coming on. I thought about calling out from work because I really thought that I was about to have it finally and the final straw came last night.

Nothing new has happened but for the first time, reality started to hit. Sure I had talked about the things that happened in this past year but some of those things didn't and still don't seem real. I still have not accepted that Renee's dad is gone. It is almost like everyone is talking about someone I don't know; someone I never spent time with, had heart to heart talks with and shared corny jokes with. It hasn't hit yet. Well last night I was sharing with Beth about how being best friends with the opposite sex is not always a great idea. I feel it rarely is. I think the only guy you should be best friends with is the guy you are going to marry. I have my reasons, too many to post here but they come from first hand experience. In talking to her about Tre's, my first male best friend, it started to hit: things have changed, will continue to change and they have changed for good. The more I kept saying "We used to..." the more real it became and I felt the tears coming. "I am not crying over this", I said "This mess is so minor compared to everything else that is going on that if I cry over this I am truly crazy." But that is the thing; everything has permanently changed and I feel that I haven't. I decided right then and there that I could not take one more surprise or change in life. Beth told me that not all changes and surprises were bad and I told her I didn't care. I hate suspense and I now hated surprises. When did I become such a control freak?

Side note:I was watching an old Showtime at the Apollo and Troop was singing "Mamacita". Normally, I would be on the floor doin' The Troop and the Roger Rabbit, having a good old time. I almost BAWLED. I am too nostalgic for my own good.

I started to finish this book called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful" which is a must read for every woman and I hesitated to read it because I didn't think it pertained to anything I was going through now. However, it was next to me and I picked it up and it had EVERYTHING to do with what is going on in our house. It had to do with how we see God when life happens. God holds us and is there for us when life happens but He doesn't stop life from happening. I think somehow I expected Him to. Like, if my prayers were sincere enough I would be spared. It doesn't work that way. When life brings changes, you have to remind yourself what has to stay constant: God's love for you and His promises. I had turned everything so inward that I forgot who Jesus was. I don't serve a God who is not full of compassion and doesn't hurt when I do. For some reason I still see God as acting like people do. Like He was saying "Toughen up. This is life. Keep it movin'." I am not going to be spared from trials and tribulation because I am a Christian. I am no different in that respect from someone that is not. However, I cannot imagine enduring the rain that falls on the righteous and unrighteous if I did not have Jesus in my life. I had completely lost my joy because I forgot where it came from. My joy comes from knowing Christ and knowing that He is always there for me and loves me no matter what. My joy comes from praising him for that and being thankful.

On my way to church tonight, I was in my car wondering why God was not answering me and giving me words of comfort. I am a trip! I don't know who I think I am sometimes, ordering God around. Like I expect him to answer me like if I ask Tia a question and she answers me right back. Trippin'! Anyway, after my tirade of how I want no more surprises, I walk in the door and I see my friend Matt from Chicago. I stared at him at first because I was in total shock. I knew that I knew his face but it wasn't making sense. He doesn't even live here. I screamed, dropped my purse and hugged the mess out of him. The thing is, there ARE good surprises. Matt is one of my favorite people of all time. He is a big bundle of goodness and I love him to pieces, I swear I could just eat him up. I pointed at him to Tia and she was in just as much in shock as I was. It took her about 5 seconds as well. All this to say, I take back what I said about surprises. He was a blessing and he didn't even know it. Pastor Steve gave a message on depression that was so on point, it was like he had been listening in on my talks with God in the car (yes, I talk out loud in my car.) I looked around and saw my friends and was filled with so much joy because God shows his love to me through each and every one of them. He has answered me and I am so grateful. And finally, FINALLY, I have peace.

Wednesday, December 1, 2004

Reality Used to Be a Friend of Mine- Toya
Where is PM Dawn? I saw them in concert once and it was SO painful.

I am starting to accept life, reality more specifically. Hold up, side note: Tom Jones is on TV and for some reason he is bearing a striking resemblance to Carmen. I'm trippin'. I am really, really trippin'.

I am going to need some sunshine in my life really, really soon. Actually everyone in this house is due. It would be nice if that sunshine came in a nice tall handsome package, one for each of us (an Italian one for Renee, a nice British one for Tia and a Ben Harper look alike for me) but I digress. I got some more disturbing news tonight that almost sent me right over the edge and I have made up my mind to not cry unless holding it in becomes hazardous to my health. I'm afraid that if I do it will hurt, like my heart will explode or something.

I do not want to become a person that is numb to bad news. I am praying that this is not a downward spiral. I am praying that this year ends on a good note and so far, on December 1st, it is not looking that good but I am hoping anyway. Yeah, Gin Blossoms are on (Hey Jealousy). I swear, sometimes it's the little things. I am a little bit more happy right now.

My brother from another mother, KC, reminded me of a verse that I have heard a lot lately; The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. He said that lately he has seen that the enemy has attempted to steal dreams, kill passions and destroy destinies. That is so true. My passion for the industry was pretty much killed this year and I have gone back and forth about what exactly it is God wants me to do. Actually, I think I have been in denial. Frankly, as it stands right now, I don't want to be bothered. I would rather settle for something more practical in life:go to school, get my esthetics license and settle down FINALLY. I am working towards going to school but I am not giving up music. Not when I haven't given it a 100%. Not when I am not so sure that I should. While I sometimes don't feel I want to continue, I don't feel a peace to stop. I thought "If it's really over, sell your DJ equipment". That's not even a question. Not the Technics! Noooooooo! Evidently, I am not done.

Abby, I love you.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Things Can Only Get Better- Toya
Where is Howard Jones? Does anyone else love this song nearly as much as Tia and I? His song "No One is to Blame" could fit this post just as well. "and you want her"...

It is official:everyone in our house is definitely out on November 2004. It was so bad that it has pretty much sucked out all of my Christmas spirit and I was feelin' it. Actually, we are pretty much out on the entire year. It was quite eventful and not entirely in a good way. Renee's father passed away this morning, the last day of November. This was a sucky month indeed. She appears to be doing well. I have yet to deal with it and because I know I am queen of ignore and deny, it will be about a good 3 days before it all hits me. Whoa be it... I think I wait so long to cry because I really, really, REALLY hate to cry. I am a hard crier. Full body jerking, can't stand up, kind of crier. Not a pretty crier like some super model roommate whose name I will not mention (boo hiss on you, pretty crier). I cry so hard it sounds like I am laughing. I cry straight from my stomach. It is so gross.

I have learned a great deal within this past month and what I have learned comes down to this: I know nothing. It's like walking two days straight in a desert with no map. You have gotten closer to some point but you don't know to what and somehow you seem further away from where you need to be.

Ever felt like a great, big sinner? I've been feeling that way lately. The other day I woke up and asked God if I should do something pretty trivial and loud and very clear, He said "Please don't (do that)". FREAKED ME ALL THE WAY OUT! Not because God spoke to me but because He said "please". Who am I that God would plead with me? Then He led me to Galatians 6:1 and 5:1. To make a long story short, apparently I was about to screw my future up beyond all recognition by making a small yet costly wrong turn. I was thankful that God has my back but I felt like a huge heathen because there are some issues that I have been practically sleepless over that I am not getting nearly as obvious answers about. This seemed so minor in comparison. I felt like I must be really, really trifling for him to have to get my attention that way. Almost like I am slow. I don't know. Needless to say, I didn't do it and am praying for more discernment cause obviously I am lacking it.

Another thing that I was made aware of this past month is that there are a lot of people in this town that are gay. Period. Not "metro", not "pretty" not just "effeminate". The thing is they know it, WE don't. We make excuses for the obvious. I will not go into detail.

Life is happening. I guess I was getting too overly spiritual the other day and my mother brought this to my attention. I told her about all of these crazy things that happened on my job from the girl who tried to sabotage me to Sexual Harassment Man (when we mention him in the house, it is always sung to the tune of "Secret Agent Man". So much less serious and so much more fun that way). An attack from the devil? Sure. But that is part of life. Things happen. We get older, our parents die, people will piss us off and no matter how many crazy things we have heard or seen, there will still be things that will surprise us somehow. It's just part of life.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Throwing It All Away- Toya
Does Genesis have a greatest hits? I need to know this. I mean POST Peter Gabriel years. I didn't really love them when he was in the band. Phil Collins is a bad little British man, he is.

Let me preface this by saying that this is not aimed at anyone particular. This has been a heated subject amongst my friends for almost the entire year. There are at least 6 women in this year alone who I know have fallen victim to this, including myself and I was the worst offender, hands down. Like Paul said "Not that I have already attained, but I press toward the mark."

"Boys have penises, girls have vaginas"- Kindergarten Cop
Stay with me here. I am going somewhere with this.

Last week, Tia and I were sitting through yet another Felicity marathon. Shawn, who wears his heart on his sleeve constantly on the show, had fallen for the girl that was the pink Power Ranger in about 8 seconds flat. It was all over his face and I said to Tia "Shawn is such an emotional slut" to which Tia replied "That needs to be on a t-shirt; don't be an emotional slut."

Ladies, I don't care if you are purer than the driven snow, so many of us, young and old, are or have been emotional sluts. So many of us are willing to put all of our emotions in a box, gift wrap it and hand it over to anyone that shows us a little attention, way before we can tell whether they deserve it or not. What happened to the days of being hard to get? I remember my mom telling me that she let my dad chase her until she caught him (let it marinate). Back in the day, you didn't call boys and there was no kissing on the first date. Now we call, email, fax, text message, and IM men to death and kiss them when there has been NO date whatsoever. When did we become so easy and why are so many of us so desperate?

Why are we giving men so much in exchange for so little? I remember back in the day a guy had to darn near be on his last leg, ready to completely give up on me before I would show him some due attention. My motto was "You have to show me a lot before I show you a little". Now, I am not that hard nosed anymore but going to the opposite extreme of that is no better.

When the whole Guy A fiasco was going down, the person that I had the hardest time talking about it to was Tia. So many of my friends and my mom would hype me up about it but Tia just didn't seem all that interested. I remember saying that I was having a hard time with the whole Guy A thing to which she nonchalantly replied "Because there isn't a thing." I was a bit salty about that at first but she was completely right and as women we need to be just as honest with one another. There was nothing going on between us. Yes, it was obvious to man, woman, dog and cat that he was attracted to me. True, we had some great, personal and lengthy conversations. When you put two people in a room that love to talk, that tends to happen. Lingering touches, stolen glances and long personal conversations do not equal a relationship. Too many times a guy shows that he is attracted to a woman and she goes butt noodles. Her imagination goes from 0 to 150 mph in .0018 seconds and now all of the sudden there is a "situation". We give over our emotions, our time, our thoughts, our mental space for something that does not exist. Newsflash: if he has not asked you out, if he does not call you, and if he has not voiced interest in you and discussed being more than friends then there is no situation and what you need to do is BREAK UP WITH HIM IN YOUR MIND. That is the next t-shirt.

Let a guy like you. It's fun. Let a guy chase you and sweat you for a change. It's more fun. What is so unfortunate is that when a guy shows us a little attention, we get out of order. It's like me and couples dancing. I am HORRIBLE at it. I ALWAYS want to lead. I can never for the life of me learn how to let a guy lead while dancing. When I start trying to lead, even if the guy starts letting me, things get completely out of whack. There are times when guys are attracted to girls that get emotionally aggressive and they will start letting her lead and that brings shear chaos. They may like it at first but even they know something is not right. Why do they know? Because it is so out of order. If you are like me and you need visuals, let me break it AAAALLLLLL the way down for you: Anatomically it all makes sense. Look at how men and women are built; if women were supposed to be the aggressors, women would have penises and men would have vaginas. Let a man be a man.

Oh and for the love of all that is pure, decent and holy in the sight of God, STOP PLAYING BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND and wondering why he won't commit to you. This is partially why our generation is waiting so long to get married. If I was a lazy knucklehead and a girl was giving me all of the benefits of being together and we, in reality (despite of what was just all in her mind), were not together, I wouldn't commit either! It's not always cheaper to keep her. I am willing to bet that 9 times out of 10, the same guy will play boyfriend/girlfriend until a girl that is not so willing to be an emotional slut but is a challenge comes along and that is the one he will commit to, leaving the "girlfriend in a glass case" crying and rejected in the dust.

We need to learn to keep things in order, stop holding our breath for the one, get on with our lives and wait. We have no other choice. I remember when my mom turned 40 and my father planned this amazing surprise party. He flew in friends from their hometown, he had a slideshow, my brother and I did a cute little skit and it was amazing. Well the party came two days after my mom turned 40 and for those 2 days she was unbearably miserable. So much so, I asked my dad if we could tell her that she was getting a party so she could get herself together and stop feeling sorry for herself. She could not just be happy that God blessed her with another year. She couldn't be happy that she had family and friends that loved her. All she could think about was herself. So when she arrived at the party and everyone yelled surprise, she clapped and looked around to see who the surprise was for. When she found out it was for her, she cried for 15 minutes straight. She was so happy then but prior to that she felt so unloved. I believe that God has a gift for all of those that want so badly to belong to someone else and say that they desire God's perfect timing. So many of us aren't enjoying life and are not feeling loved because we are pass the age we thought we would be when we would be married. Some of us are too busy wishing, daydreaming and walking around with our husband antennas up, wondering if each new guy we meet is the one. We need to appreciate all of the wonderful things we have around us now. We need to appreciate the process that we are going through now to prepare us to be joined with another person because once they come life is not easier contrary to popular belief. Marriage is not the promised land. Get on with your life.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Seasons Change- Toya
Did they ever try to get Expose' back together on VH1's Bands Reunited? I wouldn't be mad at that. Not at all.

There is a running joke in the house that our lives are not real but part of a TV show called "No Sex in the City" (sometimes bitterly referred to as ABSOLUTELY No Sex in the City). If this was indeed true, this would be Sweeps Week. There have been more tragedies, let downs, and shocking events this month than all of the months combined. However, there have been some quite funny events that have taken place as well. All in all, the running theme for 2004 has been Seasons Change; whether you want them to or not.

I should have first caught wind of this when my cousin Tone got married in August. Not really my cousin, I have known his older brother Tre's since birth. We have always been one big happy family. I would go to New York and spend the weekend with them and their family. Initially my parents had a problem with this but they let it go. We (Tre's and I) knew we were soul mates. We were best friends and in our late teens it became obvious that this was heading into something more than platonic. And then...duhn duhn duuuuhn...

I started to grow up and realize that you can't marry you. We have the same strengths AND the same weaknesses. Sure, we can get in a room and make everyone laugh but we'd be living in a box on 42nd Street somewhere because neither one of us is good with money. So when things got way more than platonic, I backed away. It was so hard. To this day, I have never been that comfortable around anyone, not even my best girl friends. Well, Tone got married this year and I saw Tre's and it was nowhere near the same. Before, he couldn't wait to tell me about his girlfriends. "She is so much like you." he would say. “I told her all about you. I can't wait for you two to finally meet." At the wedding reception, he NEVER mentioned her. I didn't even know he was with someone until the DJ called all of the couples to the floor to dance. Soon after, I went to the bathroom and spent the remainder of the night throwing up due to the flu. I am sure the realization that things just aren't the same anymore didn't help.

I am just realizing how much I value my friendships, especially childhood friendships. I have another childhood friend, another guy, who is my absolute heart. I never felt like I had to guard myself or had to bite my tongue around him. I never felt like I had to worry about if I was being a weird girl or was calling him too much in fear that he would take my friendship as meaning something more. I have no problem telling him that I love him and how much I believe in him. He knows he can tell me anything and vice versa. Well as of late, that has gotten a little weird too. "That is my homie". I told Tia the other night. "He knew me BEFORE my braces. Certain things should remain constant in life and this friendship is one of them. He can't do this. This is us, we are talking about here.” He takes this from me and that is the last of my childhood memories. For goodness’ sakes, the house I grew up in isn't even the same color anymore. Before I know it, they will be tearing down our elementary school.

Tia said that maybe God has allowed people to move out of my life to make room for THE best friend, my husband. That would be swell, in a few years. However, what I do know is that never before have I wanted to be so constantly aware of God's presence in my life. One of our pastors said something about how differently we would see our situations and how differently we would see loneliness if we realized that Jesus lives inside of us. So now instead of thinking "I can't wait to go home and tell Tia about thus and so", I am trying to immediately turn to God and talk about it right then and there. I have depended on my friendships with people way too much and have just begun to develop my friendship with God. THAT is the only friendship that can and must stay constant in my life.

So a part of my childhood has died throughout this year. My favorite childhood author, Paula Danziger (wrote The Divorce Express), died a few months back. I was so hurt. Sunday night, I was lying on the floor at Abby's house listening to Donny Hathaway and while half of me was in heaven the other half was in a state of misery. "No one makes music anymore" I groaned. I hate the term neo-soul because a lot of it is not NEW. (Side note: Here is a New Year's Resolution for every musician that is NOT in hip hop: Repeat after me: I will not use any samples in 2005. I want to hear string sections again. My radio STAYS on Scan because I keep forgetting to put CD's in my car.) All that to say, things are changing. Music has changed, the world has changed and my life continues to change.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

I'm so bored...tia

They are the "pre-holiday" days. Those that are notoriously known for being the most unproductive. You don't want to work because you know that you're about to be off for several days in a row. And in my case I really don't have a whole lot to do. We had this huge audit last week so I had to bust tail and make sure that I got everything done. As such, I've got about 3 real things to do. I figure if I do one thing a day I'll be good to go by the time I go on vacation.
Anyway, since I have a bit of time on my hands I figure I would just talk about whatever. That's the beauty of having something as self-glorifying as a blog.

How did you know, 'cause I never told
(name that song)
Okay there's a guy who reads our blog. His name is Levi and he is wicked smart. I'm ridiculously intrigued by him and his exploits. He's the kind of kid that I would have had a HUGE crush on in high school. Except for the fact that he's in COLLEGE at 14 and although I was taking advanced biology and 2nd semester geometry when I was 14 I was no where near as intelligent as he. And as such, while he was attending university, I would have still be rotting away in high school. So aside from the city bus ride to our respect places of education our paths probably would never have crossed. Anyhow, all that to say that I totally dig

In rotation at the moment:

Daniel Bedingfield - Second First Impression

This cd has done nothing save to further fan my temporary obsession with Mr. Bedingfield. I bought an import copy of the cd from Tower Sunday night with a gift card a friend gave me. (Thanks Chris) Overnight it managed to change my whole life. Okay maybe not my whole life but I'm seriously feeling Mr. I Gotta Get Thru This in a special way. If you haven't seem the video for Nothing Hurts Like Love, I've got to ask what your problem is.

Songs of Note
All Your Attention - Something of an obsessive ode to wanting his love's whole attention. But he hits these money notes that made me HOLLER in the car the night I bought the cd.

Don't want to share you with the stars in the night
I only want you to only want me
Now, then and forever
I'm even jealous of the sun in your eyes
I want you looking at me, only me
I want all your attention

It's when he hits that "YOUR" that you know he is so sincere. For the love of all that is good and pure, give that man your freakin' attention. Seriously, stop playing with him. I'm telling you it will hurt you something fierce. Not for the cavalier listener.

Nothing Hurts Like Love - More money notes

Holiness - A total 80s throwback about Yeshua's holiness in our times of weakness.

And then there are the thank yous...And I quote

"Thank you so much to:
The Author of all Creativity - My Father God, Champion of the Underdog - Yeshua - The Christ, The Catalyst and Comforter - The Spirit of Holiness"

Seriously does ANYONE know where and how I can get up with this man?

Grits - Dichotomy A

Hittin' Curves - So the first time I heard this song, I honestly thought they were saying Pimpin in the Ride. And you know, I wasn't really mad. (I now know that lyrics are Dippin in the Ride. But I still like Pimpin' better.) I am also not mad at the "countin' blessings like rocks" lyric. Put the music where the people are. Everyone might not be able to understand counting blessings like tall soy white chocolate mochas.

Mind Blowin' - PLEASE stop sleeping on 4th Ave Jones. Seriously, stop playing.

And I must give respect where it's due. There is a brief dialogue at the end of track 3, I Be, that will make you
A. Respect men a lot more
B.Respect YOURSELF a lot more
C. Make you think twice about calling a man a dog.
D. Make you think twice about being a female dog (insert applicable word here) to his male dog.

Destiny's Child - Destiny Fulfilled

I must admit that I love Destiny's Child's new single Lose My Breath. I bought the cd based mostly on that song and the snippets I heard on The Leak on MTV.com. I can totally understand how Lightchild was unimpressed. It's a total chick album with the prevailing message being "I don't really need your tired tale aside from on the occasions when I want to get my swerve on." But I must comment on my growing disdain for the group as a whole. I will probably be chastised as judgmental for the following paragraphs. Quite frankly, I don't really care.

Beef #1 - Vocal Production
I saw DC on Oprah this past Monday. They performed a brilliant medley of songs from previous albums and then Lose My Breath. I must admit their individual performances were almost flawless. They all have very distinct but beautiful voices. In the wake of the Ashlee Simpson debacle, it was refreshing to see that there are people who can actually SING. It was obvious that they ALL have talent.

So you can imagine my shock and awe when I got the cd the following Tuesday and heard how BAD Michelle sounded. Imagine Macy Gray under water with the occasional pterodactyl screech thrown in. I kid you not. I knew that Beyonce had done the vocal production on the album (because she mentioned it several times on Oprah.) So my question was, how did Michelle get such a short end of the stick? How did B let her girl go out like that? If you didn't know better you would think that M can't really sing. When in all actuality the girl can kinda blow. And of course your first question is did B do it on purpose? I mean, the vocal production WAS in her hands. It's just a theory...for now. I'm no Beyonce hater, it just seems a little suspect..

Beef #2
People are free to live their lives as they please. But I feel like when a person's lifestyle disparages a whole group of people, those being deprecated have a right to speak out and say, "HEY, that's not all of us." As such, I'm kinda tired of DC talking about their Christianity. You know a tree by it's fruit and the only fruit that I'm seeing them bear comes in the form of short/revealing clothes and compromising behavior and lyrics. By it's very definition, a Christian is someone who strives to be Christ like. I don't really think Christ would be too thrilled to know that your BOYFRIEND was puttin' it on you deep. All I'm saying is if you're going to be a disciple then you need to walk the walk, talk the talk, live the life. I'm not saying perfection. (All one has to do is read my posts and they'll know how far from that I am.) But I'm am saying raise the standard. Be a light. Put on some clothes. Tired of being treated like an object? Loosen up those pants, opt for a bigger sized T-shirt, stop dropping it like it hot at every turn. You want to be different, stand out in the world? Then stop trying to be like EVERYONE else.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12: 2

BE...blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe - Phil 2:15

I'm not saying that I don't like DC or their music. (I bought the cd for crying out loud.) But I am saying the Christianity that they sang about not compromising is in fact compromised with every action that contradicts the word of God. Your Christianity should not just be a moniker that you don whenever it's convenient. It's a lifestyle, it's a renewed mind, it's changed thinking, a higher standard.

I'm probably going to get blasted for that...Oh well.

Let it GO!!! Bush is still the president.
I'm so tired of people complaining. And if I hear one more conspiracy theory about how the young vote was not properly counted I'm going to scream. Just to set things straight, Headline News reported that a record number of 18-30 year olds did in fact turn out to vote. But the thing about is, a record number of PEOPLE turned out to vote. So the percentage of the aforementioned demographic that came to rock the vote or die or whatever remained unchanged from the 2000 presidential election at approximately 17%.

Also of note, please check out Stephen Christian's brilliant analysis (Nov 3 post) of why the choose or lose to rock the vote against bush punk rock or die demographic didn't show up like everyone thought.

And now I must be off. Have a great Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Grits-not just for Breakfast
And Then - tia

grit {v} - to have beef with, to meanmug, to hold ill feelings, to emit hateraration

So the saga continues....As Toya pretty much has a direct link to all things in my life, she was not unaware of the goings-on with myself and Ben. One of the things that I love most about Toya (most of the time) is her forwardness. She has no problem letting you know what she's thinking. There are times when I need that. I sometimes don't get innuendos and subtle nuisances. Often I need a strong "CHAMP...NO!!!" Make it clear, write it on tablets and run with it. Such was the case with the whole Ben situation.

Toya walked in my room around midnight the night before last and said, "Look, this is obviously bothering you. And since you have a problem with it you need to say something. Ben is obviously feeling himself a little too much. He told you something and you feel like it's not true. The bible says if you have a beef against your brother you need to say something."

Thou dost protest too much
I think I gave every excuse in the book for NOT saying anything. I just wasn't trying to hear her. I was under the impression that if Ben had actually lied, then he was out. I could forgive but that didn't mean that I had to be civil or anything. (Come to find out it kinda does..oops) Toya went on to explain to me the reasons why I had to say something. Not the least of which being that I would have to see him every week. And if I didn't say something it would turn into one of those situations where I would unconsciously start grittin' on the person who offended every time that I saw him. And before too long I would be full on hating. I'm talking drinking glasses full of Hateraid every morning type of stuff.

I guess my gross indifference was obvious because Toya said, "I see this is a little too fresh. I'll let you marinate in it a while." And then she politely walked out of my room. As I reached over to turn off the bedside light I remember thinking, "God, I'm not saying anything. She is so wrong." ummmm...Okay.....

Yesterday morning, I was hitting the down right PISSED stage. I had marinated all right. But not in the right thing.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things..
Phil 4:8

As I had spent much of the evening thinking about how my feelings had been hurt it was understandable why I woke up cranky. And I still wasn't checkin' for what Toya had said. Even though in the back of my mind, I had maybe a small inkling that she was right. Maybe...So I called an older wiser married friend of mine b/c I just KNEW that she would have my back. She would tell me what I wanted to hear: That I was perfectly justified in how I felt and as long as I forgave him in my heart, I could ignore him from now on when I saw him. Just as long as I did it in love. Yeah...okay. Of course my second friend said the SAME exact thing that Toya said. I have a problem with what happened and if I didn't take care of it, it could get ugly. Of course, I immediately looked for the cop-out.

Me: "So I can just shoot him an e-mail right???"
Friend 2: UMMMMM...no.

Man, I knew they were both right. That didn't make me want to do it though. But I did it anyway.

It was a slow day at work, it being so close to the holiday and all. So I grabbed my cell phone and went down to the lobby to make the call. It went something like this..

Ben: I was just thinking about you.
Me: Stop lying.
B: I was for real. I was out last night but I had to leave. And I was just wondering if you were there after I left.
Me: Whatever...(you ain't got to lie, Craig...you ain't got to lie....Name that movie)
B: For real...
(I finally tired of the conversation so I moved on.....)

Me: So you know why I'm calling, right?
B: (laughing) Man I know...I am in so much trouble. Let me have it.
Me: (Calling him by his first, middle and last name) Benjamin Cliofus Covington (an alias) what is your problem? First you blow me off, then you miss dinner, then you give me some lame excuse why you didn't make it and to top it all off you've been acting all kinds of weird. What is wrong with you? Seriously, what is your problem?

Oddly enough, he stuck to the story of getting the days mixed up. He went on to tell me that he really thought he'd already missed dinner and he was just flat out too embarrassed to call. (?) We talked for a while and I pretty much laid it out there. How I was feeling, how I didn't appreciate how he was acting and how I had to call because I was on the fast train to Gritville, population 1. He was cool. He apologized repeatedly and assured me that I was still his girl (umm...only because I choose to be. Not the other way around. Don't get it twisted boo-boo.) Then he asked if he had to make it up to the house because, "I saw Toya and she seemed a little...aloof."

You are correct sir. When one grits, we all grit. We are the 369. The collective. I told him that it is true that Toya also was not checking for him. He promised that he was going to make it up to us...Riiiiiigggghhhhhtttt. He better be bringing all kinds of goodness to the table. 369 good graces are not easy to come by.

In the end, I'm glad that I called. This had the potential to be Gritfest 2004. I think we let little (and sometime big) grudges eat at us until we can hardly stand to be in the room with the person who's wronged us. The only problem with that is if you never say anything, the other person moves on and probably never knows that you are ready to "lay hands" on him (and not in the good way) if given the opportunity. In the long run it would have been me who was hurt the most by holding a grudge. Ben would have moved on without a backward glance and I would have been left wanting to trip him every time I saw him. And what good would that have done...?

Oh ...and I like how he threw this in at the end...
Ben: Well if you get a chance, give me a call later this week.
Me: Uhn-Uh...NOPE. You know where to find me. YOU CALL ME.
Ben: (again laughing) It's like that?
Me: Very much so. You made "this" like that.
B: Aight...I'm gonna call you.
M: Riiiiigghhht...I'll believe it when I see the phone light up and the screen says Ben Covington calling.

Sometimes I really don't get boys...

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Second First Impression - tia
(again, it's too late to think of a good title and SFI is the cd that's playing right now.)

Before I get into this post I have to comment on some other stuff

The Detroit/Indiana Melee
HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ron Artest needs to have his behind whooped. I don't care if a fan calls your mom a wh*** and a n****. You don't jump in the stands and dot their eye. (You catch them after the game when the cameras are off.) But for real, the way he hit that fan (apparently because the fan through a seemingly empty cup at him) was so uncalled for. It almost makes me not want to sit close at a game. But don't think I would turn down courtside Lakers or Heat tickets.

Easily in my top 5 series of all time. I was all kinds of bummed when the show went of the air. But it needed to end. The drama was freakin' palpable. So much so that it was starting to make me tired.

Thank God for DVD though. I was actually home this weekend and didn't have to catch a flight or watch anyone's kids. So I decided that Saturday was Felicity day. After running some obligatory errands and handling some business I sat on the couch/floor from 2pm - 1am and watched Felicity (seasons 1-3) and ate some of my highly addictive cookies with some of my girls. I'm telling you, it was good times.

I learned a couple of things from watching
- The guy that I'm getting ready to post about is SOOOOOOO Ben.
- I am SUCH a Noel girl it's not even funny.

- Donald Faison is cuter than any one man should be.
- I can almost understand why Elena had a moment of weakness with Finn. Seriously, did you see him in the towel? SOOO wrong.

And now on with the post.

As I mentioned last week (I think) there was recently a guy. And I will not go into detail on his identity b/c Nashville is so 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon and if I say too much I know someone will figure out who I'm talking about. And I don't want people runnin' up on him. But I think as long a keep the indentifiers to a minimum everything should be okay.

So how the story goes, Dude calls me up late one night and explains that he might be feeling me. Cool. I'm feeling the same, so it works out. Fast forward a few weeks and I haven't heard from him. Not a huge deal because for once I was not an emotional slut (a girl who's easy in the emotions department; giving them away with out any sort of thought or remorse. ) So there was not a whole lot of love lost. We were friends first and I figured things would just go back to how they were. Ummmm......wrong.

We had dinner here last weekend for a friend of mine who is moving to Texas. I'd invited Dude over long before things got weird. I figured since I am a grown up I would leave the invitation out there. I'm cool and assumed he was too. Again...wrong. I sent out an email the Monday and Tuesday before to remind everyone to stop by on Saturday. Dude emailed me back and said that he had a prior engagement but would be by later that evening. About 2 hours into dinner I knew he wasn't coming. His loss. We do it right at the 369. We don't slack when we cook. We are not players...we do not play. You get one invitation to the 369 for dinner. If you can't make it for legit reasons, you're always welcome back another time. Blow us off though, you don't get another chance to come through.

Anyway, the next night a friend of mine ran into Dude. After the standard how-ya-doings, my friend casually brought up the fact that we'd missed Dude at dinner. Now let me preface this by saying that Dude is usually Mr. Smooth & Debonair. So you can imagine my friend's surprise when Dude began to turn red and stammer and mumble something about having to stay at his prior engagement (that we know for a fact ended no later than 9.) You can also imagine my friend's surprise when Dude began to back away from her and into a corner as if afraid that my friend was going to physically lash out at him. Now is it me or does his behavior seem a little sketchy?

My friend relayed this story while I was in St. Louis on business. (What's up Kevin) And as my friend is VERY animated, the story was all kinds of funny. But I'd pretty much stopped checkin' for Dude as b/f material a long time ago. So at best his actions were those of a slightly immature individual. Honestly, I didn't really think about it until the next time I saw Dude (who will be referred to as Ben from here out as what he did when he saw me was so Ben-like, it was ridiculous.)

I was standing talking to some friends when Ben walked in. As we were standing pretty much in the middle of the door it was impossible to miss me. So Ben dutifully walked up to me and said, "Tia, I'm so sorry about missing dinner. I...ummm...got the times mixed up and thought..umm...it was another time." He rambled on about getting the times mixed up for another 30 seconds or so. When I tell you that I wanted to reach out and touch him (translation dot his eye) I'm not kidding. I could not BELIEVE that he said it. I so wanted to believe that he really had gotten the times mixed up. But thanks to gmail.com I had the email that said he knew EXACTLY when it was. He finally just wandered off and I can't say that I was all unhappy with his departure.

I have relayed this story to a couple of my friends. None of which can believe that he went there. The shock of the whole situation pretty much carried me through the day. But then the pain of the situation set in. But let me explain why my feelings are hurt. I'm not hurt that it didn't work out b/w us. Or b/c he doesn't call anymore. Or even b/c he blew us off for dinner. My feelings are hurt b/c someone I thought was my friend appears to have lied to me. It sucks to be lied to. Because basically it means that the person telling the lie doesn't think enough of you as a person to grant you the basic courtesy of telling you the truth. When you break it down like that, it blows tremendously. I could care less if Ben doesn't like me. I'm a hot chick, someone else is going to like me. (Daniel Bedingfield, would be okay) But now my friendship with Ben is pretty much tainted. Now whenever I see him, which is EVERY WEEK (sometimes twice a week) , I will know that he didn't (doesn't?) value me as a friend. Of course I have forgiven him. It doesn't do me any good to hold a grudge. But it blows that someone who had the potential to be one of my roaddogs, one of my trues, one of my people, has now been relegated to "that dude I used to be real cool with."