Wednesday, December 3, 2003

Toya's Random Thoughts

Bad Case of the Late Twenties

"I can't wait 'til I know what's wrong with me so I can say this is the way that I used to be/there's no substitute for time"- John Mayer "Split Screen Sadness"

I have been in quite a funk for the past few days and I am not quite sure why. It's different every day. I will be 29 in 23 days, one hour and 30 minutes (I was born at 2:15). I have been known to get a bit weird around this time of year and it is something that I rarely like to talk about it because I am my own worst critic. I get on my own nerves sometimes to the point that I get mad at myself about my own feelings. It's a clash between my mom's side of me and my dad's side; the "suck it up and keep it movin'" side vs. the "aww poor baby. I understand life is hard, I'll help you put up the streamers for your pity party" side.

I am starting to think that something's missing (I need to turn off this John Mayer CD ...right after Split Screen Sadness goes off) and it is all my fault. Somewhere down the road, I made a wrong turn and the consequences of life are catching up with me. You really can't do anything about that. Life is full of missed opportunities. But even so, you can't settle. You can't say "well I screwed that up. I better take the next thing that comes along." You still should want the best and aim for the best even if you feel like you don't deserve it. I think with some things I am just like "Lord, I'll take this. I know it's not the best for me but I am willing to settle because anything is better than nothing or waiting for something else that I am not quite sure that I am going to get anyway." This could be a job, a mate, a car, or any opportunity. You can't fill your day with the what ifs. That's the way this wheel keeps turning around. Okay, no more John Mayer, I'm trippin' now.

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