Tuesday, October 7, 2003

It's Been A Long Time, We Shouldn't Have Left You...

Hey it's Toya. Tia is away this week and it's been sorta busy at the house. My younger brother came down this weekend for his birthday and it went pretty swell. It was a bit touch and go come Sunday however.

My brother, dad and uncle are the kind of people that can sometimes play TOO much. Actually, I can put myself in that category too. We sometimes take it too far. Knowing this, I warned my roommates in advance. My brother has calmed down considerably with age so there wasn't too much embarrassment but towards the end of his stay some mama jokes went flying and once again, my side of the family went too far. Grant it, I laughed so hard I nearly choked to death, but later I apologized to Tia who was on the receiving end.

Not too long ago while I was back home in New Jersey, I made a short film of my family so Tia can see why I am as crazy as I am . While my family is hilarious, I am noticing that it is often at someoneelse'ss expense. To put it plainly, we got JOKES.
I have often been complimented on having quick wit but that is just a nice way of saying I am somewhat of a smart ass. Sarcasm is often used as a defense mechanism. I know that this has been cultivated over time due to being in a house where people are quick to make you the butt of a joke. For me, my nickname has always been "factless wonder". Meaning sometimes I am not too quick to pick up on the obvious. So I would hear "Duh, Toy" a lot. A WHOLE lot. A quick rolling of the eyes and a wise cracking comment would follow by either my dad or my brother, making me feel like Fred Flintstone when he gets smaller and smaller and smaller. So I figured that either I continue to let people make me feel like an idiot or I fight back with some good comebacks of my own. While my bitingly honest commentary is often entertaining to those around me, I am starting to feel like this has made me a negative person. I have been around people who constantly have nothing good to say about anyone and it makes my skin crawl. I hate it. I had a friend where we couldn't watch television without her critiquing everyone on TV: "Look at her makeup. Oh she has picked up weight. She is so off key. Why is she sweatin' like that?" DROVE ME UP A WALL. To think that I have turned into one of those people with nothing nice to say, someone with little compassion, makes me rather disappointed in myself. I am just going to have to learn to not only hold my tongue but take my thoughts captive. The bible says out the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks so I am asking God to change my heart.

The thing is, sometimes people think because something is true, it'ss okay to say it. This is not always the case because as we all know, the truth hurts. If your intent is to hurt people and to tear people down, you should ask yourself why. Is it to make you feel better? Do you just genuinely hate people? Is there some sort of bitterness that you are dealing with? For me, maybe it is easier to rag on someone else instead of being the butt of a joke all of the time. Still, that shows insecurity and I don'tt want to be that way. This is not to say that the jokes will end and that I won't be giving my opinion on issues, I just don't want to be constantly negative. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. For instance, I was really critical of Jennifer Lopez for a good while. Well let me back that up, J-Lo. Jennifer Lopez I love, J-Lo gets on my nerves. See, there I go again. Any way I had jokes about her never seeming to be able to just be alone, jumping from one man to another. Then one day, I saw her diary on MTV and she was saying how it is hard for her to be alone because she has to deal with the voices in her head that are telling her things she doesn't want to hear and that they are usually right. That broke my heart. No one knows what she is going through right now and no one would want to go through it. She's a human being. Could you imagine turning on the TV and seeing an unauthorized hour long show about your failed relationships, weight gain and imperfections?

"and after this commercial break, we will talk about Toya's yo yo dieting, battles with her self esteem and her co-dependent hazardous relationship with a heroin addict."

Oh and then they want to bring on people that are your "close friends" to talk about you? People that you have probably not spoken to since high school?

"We always knew she was trying to be white. Hangin' out with all them skater punk kids. All them New Kids on the Block posters on her wall."

Nuts. I even want to have more compassion for 50 Cent, Ja Rule and the likes because honestly who has shown them right from wrong? Should we be mad at them or the machine behind them? Anyway, I am getting off track. That is a whole nother blog. My point is I want to love people more and not be so critical and I want the same respect. I'm gonna make a change for once in my life. It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right. As I turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat...(if you didn't get that, I am not gonna explain it to ya).

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