Friday, September 19, 2003

Toya's Random Thoughts

This has GOT to be the longest work day in history. I honestly am wasting away here and I am sure it is due to the 5 max hours of sleep I have been getting all of this week.

Song of the moment: "Still In Love" Troop

Now I know that we have a lot of guys that read this blog so I am going to warn you ahead of time: I have some female issues I need to discuss with my sisters right now. You can opt to not read this or be privy to the behavior of a woman in the midst of her menstrual cycle. Your choice.

Why is my period 11 days early??!!??!! This would explain a lot. My stomach was so bloated this week that my belly button ring looked like a turkey timer. I should have known by the signs: thoughts of marriage, wanting to cut my hair, lower back pain, contemplating stabbing myself at my desk with a letter opener if I didn't get some chocolate soon. These are my tell tale signs.

Tia and I just had a conversation a few nights back about the struggle to find a decent tampon/maxi pad. Who makes these things? How can you decide? Do you know what ALWAYS stands for? We will ALWAYS change your pads so when you go to the store every couple of months you won't know what the heck you are looking for and you and 5 other lost women will be standing in the feminine aisle for an average of 15 minutes trying to decide "Was it the one with the dove or the 3 drops? Was it with wings or velcro? What do Overnight's look like now? I thought it was in a purple box." I am telling you, go to this aisle at the end of the month and witness the look of angst on these women's faces. It is so sad. Now they have ones in black. Well I thought they were so cute so I took these puppies home and low and behold, it is like sitting on a Post-It Note. It was so small!! Who makes these things!

It's so unfair. I would never want to be a man but I could really do without this monthly. How about once a year for 2 weeks? Grant it, you could only get pregnant once a year but at least you could go on vacation (I am sure God is shaking His head at my silly suggestions one again.) My most embarrassing period story happened when I was 16 and I was sitting on a stoop in North Philly in 98 degree weather in the middle of August. We were waiting for a friend of mine to come home and I thought I would be grown and wear a tampon. Note: if you don't wear them, don't let your first day be in public.. Well here I am waiting for him to come home and I am bleeding all over his doorstep. Panicked, I reached for my friend's Coca Cola and poured it all over myself. I don't mine people thinking I am a clutz but I would have no way been able to explain to my friend, a guy, that I had a little feminine mishap. So unfair.

So right now with my period 11 days early, I am no happy camper. Wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it go:

I Don't Know (to the tune of They Don't Know Who We Be by DMX)

The store, Aisle 9, the confusion, the grief
Have Midol, in hand, to give me, relief
With wings, with velcro, how can I decide
No more chocolate in the house, I broke down, I cried

I don't know (drip drip, drip drip) why we bleed (drip drip, drip drip)
I don't know (drip drip, drip drip) why we bleed (drip drip, drip drip)

The bloating, the headaches, the swelling of the face
The nausea, the cramping, my pad's out of place
Every month, with no fail, for 5 days I bleed
When I get to heaven, don't let me see Eve

I don't know (drip drip, drip drip) why we bleed (drip drip, drip drip)
I don't know (drip drip, drip drip) why we bleed (drip drip, drip drip)

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

I am going back through these old posts and this is the funniest thing I ever read!