Sunday, September 7, 2003

Denial

I love my life. I like taking road trips out of town to go to a show or for any other reason without having to check with a significant other to see if it is okay with them. Why would anybody want to give that up?I get a little bored at times but what 20 something going towards their true destiny and purpose in life doesn't? However, as bored as I may get, there is rarely a dull moment in this house or in my life in general. I have the two best roommates in the world, I have a job which gives me free digital cable (VH1 Classics and VH1 Soul keeps me from giving my two weeks notice even though I am INSANELY bored at times), I am involved in a great church and my life seems to be one hilarious and continuous sitcom at times as if though I was the black Ally MacBeal.

So why am I all of the sudden having these thoughts of settling down? Honestly, I don't know. I had to face this while searching for a car this past Friday. Sidebar: Let me just say that this has been the worst summer EVER. I got in 2 car accidents (neither my fault) in a span of 3 months and now my car is totaled. The guy that totaled it has no insurance, has changed his phone number, and my insurance company can't find him because he lives in a trailor park and they don't have his lot number. Oh, but he's riding just fine in his car, isn't he? I, however, am taking the bus. Yeah, I am still a bit bitter. So anyway, this car dealer is really trying to swindle me and I am looking at the cars in the lot at this really sketchy car dealership around the way and I get into this crazy indecisive mode. Ever get so overwhelmed you feel dizzy and you just want to sit in the middle of the floor indian style and put your head in your hands, rock back and forth and start mumbling some ol' Rainman type gibberish? This feeling usually comes before one flips out. But instead of flipping out, I did something worse; Out of frustration, I uttered these forbidden words: "That's it. I need a boyfriend." Suddenly, I jumped back and looked around as if somebody said the president had just been shot. I then thought, "Whoa champ. You need to get yourself together right NOW." It is never until I have to make a decision about my car or something needs to get fixed in the house or I can't reach something in the kitchen that I start thinking about settling down. I don't need a boyfriend to help me make decisions and I can get a step stool to reach things in the kitchen. However, I do need to get over my issues with commitment and I just need to admit that some day faaaar from now, I would like to be married. I shouldn't be upset with myself for wanting something that is completely normal.

I am deathly afraid of commitment A few months ago I had developed a little crush on this guy at my church. He works with one of my friends and she was trying to set us up. At the time I was like, no way. I want no parts of that, but I finally admitted to being interested and she said she would find out if he had a girlfriend or not. Well one day, I was at the copy machine at work and I had this mental picture of us sitting across one another at Starbucks as if we were a couple. All of the sudden, I couldn't breathe! I got dizzy, my stomach got nauseous, and I had shortness of breath! I actually had a panic attack at the thought of commitment! I had to go sit down and put my head between my knees. I soon found out that he has a girlfriend and I was relieved...sort of.

I called my mom and told her that I didn't need to even be thinking about a relationship right now and that I was fine the way I was. My mom said,"No your not. You have been fine for 28 years. It's time." My brother, who I love to death even though he is CRAZY, told me the other day that I am "due". "You've been saving yourself for 28 years? Yeah, you're due. It's time."

I just started working at Starbucks and I saw that we were getting rid of come chocolate cheesecake muffins and I know Renee loves chocolate and cheesecake so I snatched one. I wrote a note on the fridge saying that this was just for her and put it in the refrigerator. Today, she told me that while she enjoyed it, she was thinking "Okay, Toya needs a man." Think about it: I leave cute and endearing notes on the refrigerator, I call her up to see how her day is going, I even give her gifts on Valentine's Day! And while I will willingly do this for Renee, Tia and the rest of my friends, I get queazy thinking about doing these things for one special person.

I was at a wedding this summer and can I tell you, nothing makes me more anti-commitment that weddings? Some women can't wait to get married after they leave someone's wedding. Oh not me. They start reciting those "forever vows" and man, I get all hot under the collar. Forever. The rest of your natural life. From now on. What?! At this particular wedding the minister recited this piece about what God's plan for us regarding marriage is:

Everyone longs to give himself or herself completely to someone, to have a deep and committed soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and unconditionally. But God says:
No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally, unreservedly to Me alone.
I love you, My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me; exclusively of anyone or anything else; exclusively of any other desires and belongings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing -- one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the very best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.
Just keep your eyes on Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I AM.
Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you.
You must be patient.
Don't be anxious. Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things others have.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
Just keep looking up to Me, or you will miss what I want to give you.
And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even this minute to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me .. and this is perfect love.


I heard him recite this and I thought "Bunk all that husband stuff, I want THAT! That is dope." I want a relationship with God that is everything like what he said. And while that is all good and all, it says in His word that it is not good for man to be alone and that He hasn't given us the spirit of fear. So I can act all holy and say, oh me and Jesus are just fine, but I know deep down inside, it's a front. Deep down, I think that I have to be somewhat perfect and a saint to get married. I know God has so much that He wants to do in me and to me I am soooo far behind. So anything that even smells like a relationship has me running like "No, I have debt. I can't clean out the bathtub before I leave the house and I always want things my way. You don't know what your're getting yourself into. Come back when I'm, perfect." I spend too much time trying to trust in myself and too little time trusting in God. Oh I can trust God for a car but I have a hard time trusting that He can change my heart, my imperfections, and make me strong enough to face one of my deepest fears: commitment. While God wants me to trust Him to fulfill all my needs, He also wants me to trust that He will send the right one in His time and that if I continue to trust and love Him, everything will just fall into place because I will be walking in obedience to Him.

A couple of days ago I made one of my wisecracking, sarcastic comments to Tia and she said "I cannot wait to see who your husband is going to be. Who will have to be the one to put up with that everyday." Truthfully, I can't wait either. I am a little nervous for the poor guy because I am a handful. However, while I am praying for courage and wisdom, I trust that God will send me someone who seeks Him and already possesses those qualities because he is going to need them. Also, I pray that he is a sound sleeper because I talk, snore and sometimes grit my teeth in my sleep. LOL!

No comments: